by Alexie Aaron
Burt winced and thought a moment before he responded, “It’s become a topsy-turvy world when I’m taking advice from the geek meister.”
“That’s Mister Geek Meister,” Ted corrected. “I’m an old married man now. I have a kid coming, and a wife who needs me. It matures you, dude.”
“So tell me, what do I need to do to return the dynamic of the group?”
“Not return, but evolve with it. Cid’s mind is on a certain code inspector. Audrey’s relationship with Doctor Matt has progressed. Did you see the pin she was sporting?”
“That green medical thingy?”
“Phi Chi. According to Google, it’s from the medical fraternity at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. It’s old, so probably his father’s or grandfather’s. I’d say our Audrey has been pinned.”
“Sorry, but I’m not understanding you. Pinned?”
“Going steady. Don’t you watch any old movies?” Ted asked.
“Not lately. Mia’s place is devoid of cable.”
“Oh, that’s right. I’ll talk to her about that.”
Burt waved him off. “No, I probably can’t afford cable anyway.”
“It means Audrey’s going steady. I think it’s a major step before engagement.”
“Awful quick.”
Ted looked at his boss and friend and chose his words carefully before speaking, “When you find someone who rocks your world, you have to reach out and grab them. Take a chance. In Matt’s case, he found an irresistible, happy, optimistic redhead. In Audrey’s, she found someone who understands her job. Hell, he’s got a ghost living with him. I’m not going to place bets on this, but I’d say it’s a good match.”
“Then why no money?”
“I thought you and Audrey were a good match,” Ted said bluntly.
“Ouch. I haven’t been batting very well the last two times I was up to plate,” Burt admitted.
“I can be selfish enough to be pleased by you striking out the first time,” Ted said.
Murphy, who’d been listening in, was puzzled by the last exchange between his two friends.
Mia, who stood just inside the screen door of the farmhouse, cleared it up with a comment. “I never thought I’d see the day that I was referred to in a baseball metaphor.”
Burt laughed. “Mrs. Martin, you’re as bad as your husband. Eavesdropper extraordinaire should be the Martin moto.”
“πάντa νa akoύτε,”Ted said proudly.
Mia refrained from a WTF and smiled as if she knew what he was saying.
Burt looked from wife to husband and back again at Mia and smiled, “You don’t know what he said, do you?”
“Nope, but it sounded important.”
“πάντa νa akoύτε,is Greek for always listening,” Ted explained.
Mia looked at him in awe. “He even speaks multiple languages. Now who couldn’t love a guy like that?”
Burt was decidedly uncomfortable, so he changed the subject. “You need to talk to Murphy about that little stunt he pulled on Mike.”
“No, I don’t,” Mia said. “I pulled that little stunt on Mike. Murphy was innocent.”
CRACK!
“Really? I thought you’d given up telekinesis?”
“I never said I’d given it up. I said I would be careful. Mike didn’t hurt anything but his pride. Hubris,” Mia said.
“So you were teaching him a lesson?” Burt asked.
“No, nothing as honorable as that. Just getting me own back.”
This made Burt laugh.
Mia looked at Murphy and mouthed, sorry. He winked at her.
Ted was momentarily jealous at the ease of their shorthanded interaction. He knew that in all relationships there were things that would never be perfect. Mia’s history with Murphy and his own history with Cid were a bit different, but arguments could be made that they were equal. He looked back at his wife, embarrassed to see her staring at him as if she was sizing up his thoughts. He knew she was becoming a stronger sensitive, but mind reader?
Mia walked out onto the porch and perched herself on the arm of Ted’s chair. Mia took in the atmosphere before speaking, “Burt, I’ve been talking to Father Santos. He has no immediate answer for us and doesn’t want to make a commitment until he sees this thing for himself. I dissuaded him until we were better prepared. He seemed to accept my recommendation and gave me a surprising lead on how to find, perhaps, a copy of the handbill.”
“Go on.”
“It just so happens that Ralph is a big collector of posters, handbills, playbills and the sort. Evidently, he got interested in this when he started designing sets. I’ve left a message on his voicemail. I’m going to drag Cid along with me to Chicago, if you can spare him?” Mia asked Ted but Burt answered.
“I can spare him. You should call and tell Audrey that you have a lead. This way the work isn’t doubled.”
Mia refrained from an Aye aye, Captain and just nodded.
Chapter Nine
Beads of sweat formed and ran down Cid’s back as he stood petrified, faced with the figure before him. Words would not form. He was struck dumb and unable to help himself.
Mia tried to reach out with her mind to give him support, but she found herself unable to move. Instinctively, she put a protective hand over her abdomen.
“All I asked you is, what do you think of my wedding suit?” Ralph asked.
Dressed in a pencil-thin, midnight blue, shiny rendition of something from Jersey Boys, Ralph tugged at the tight pants which belonged more on a teenager headed to the prom than a sixty-something man headed to the altar. The shirt was a tasteful cream, but it was outmaneuvered by the satin of the suit.
“This is a joke, isn’t it?” Mia asked Bernard, who leaned against the doorway.
He slowly shook his head.
“Ralph, have you had a stroke?” Mia said, advancing on her normally tastefully-attired godparent. She put a hand on his forehead. “Your forehead is cool, but you look ghastly. Perhaps the blue is too much for your delicate complexion,” she offered.
Ralph was stunned by her reaction. Tears sprang from his eyes, and he ran out of the room.
“Oh dear,” Mia said, swallowing hard.
Bernard turned back from watching his partner retreat down the hall and said, “I’ve been trying to come up with a way to delicately tell him the suit wasn’t working for him, but I never thought to use the word ghastly.”
Mia hung her head in shame.
“Tact isn’t her strong suit,” Cid reminded him.
“Well, look who finally found his voice,” Mia said acidly.
“What did you want me to say?” Cid asked.
“The truth, perhaps?”
“Ah, but the truth is for relatives. I thought it was better to just say nothing. Nod and smile is what my mother taught me,” Cid said proudly. “One has to have manners.”
“You mean, standing there with your mouth hanging open is being polite?” Mia scoffed. “Bernard, that suit is so…”
“Horrible,” Ralph said from the hall. “Humphrey Dunfrey said it was the latest in groom-groom apparel. I did so want to look different at our nuptials.”
“Who the hell is this Dunfrey?” Mia asked.
“He’s our new wedding planner,” Bernard answered. His voice held a large amount of disgust tempered with a practiced even tone.
Mia looked at Ralph and frowned. “Why would you need a wedding planner? My wedding was fabulous. You’re a set designer; surely, you could see that suit wasn’t up to the Ralph standard.”
Ralph sighed. “Part of me was horrified, but I thought it was wedding jitters,” he confessed.
“My advice is to fire the dude,” Cid said. “If you need help, all you have to do is ask. How about me building you and Bernard a beautiful pergola? You could set it anywhere. Throw in some chairs, and an outdoor wedding is at hand.”
Ralph looked at the handsome friend of Mia’s and said indulgently, “Now, Cid, thank you for your suggest
ions. And if I need a pergola built, you will be the first man I call. However, I want this wedding to be different. Bernard and I’ve been to so many weddings this summer that it seems that all the good ideas have already been taken.”
“So Humpty Dumpty talked you into Jersey Boys?” Mia asked.
“HUMPHREY DUNFREY not Humpty Dumpty,” Ralph corrected. “And the theme was supposed to be Sinatra’s Vegas.”
Cid and Mia looked at each other puzzled.
“Ralph, the kids are too young,” Bernard pointed out. “Frank Sinatra and his Rat Pack used to run Las Vegas. They were big on expensive suits and booze.”
Cid spoke up, “If you want Vegas, go to Vegas.”
“Today’s Vegas is all showgirls and those circus performers,” Ralph sniffed. “I thought I could be Dean Martin and Bernard…”
“Sammy Davis Jr.,” Bernard said in a pinched voice.
“I don’t get it,” Mia said. “Bernard is more of an ebony David Niven.”
Bernard smiled widely.
“He is, isn’t he,” Ralph said as he surveyed his groom-to-be. “He looks so stunning in a well-cut tuxedo. Oh, oh, oh, I’m seeing the set of The Thin Man…”
“Ralph, that’s William Powell not…” Cid started.
Mia stomped on his foot.
“Ouch! What the hell, Mia?”
“He’s on a roll, and it’s rolling away from Vegas…” Mia said through her teeth.
“A Nick and Nora Charles party. Ted and Mia are Nick and Nora. Martini glasses…”
Bernard patted Mia on back. Ralph had dug his teeth into the project.
“Bernard and I arrive, he as David and me a young Redford…”
Cid was about to point out the inaccuracies when Mia stomped on his other foot. He lifted her up and placed her on the couch, away from his feet.
“People are always picking me up,” she complained.
Bernard shook his finger at her. “If you would behave, then you wouldn’t be having timeouts.”
“I came here to crochet,” Mia said loudly. “Yoo-hoo, Ralph, what the hell do I do after I chain…”
“What? Oh, we were going to work on those vests. Tell you what, I’m going to call the girls in, and they’ll make them for you. Just talk them through it. I don’t have time to watch Mia make a big ball of knots. Not when I have a planner to fire and a wedding to plan!”
Mia looked up at Bernard and asked, “Who are the girls?”
Ralph shushed them and picked up the house phone and dialed. “Mavis, Ralph here. Mia’s got a little knitting, crochet project that needs quick hands and closed lips. Yes, that leaves Betty Sue out, but bring her anyway. Could you come up and… Sure, ten minutes would be fine. Bye!”
“Mavis and Betty Sue live downstairs in 3B. They used to make costumes for the musical productions that tried out here in Chicago. They’ve been retired for a few years, but I assure you, they are still as quick and talented as ever,” Ralph’s singsong voice praised. “You’re going to love them, Cid. They’ll eat you up.”
Cid looked more frightened than ever. Mia didn’t hide her amusement at his discomfort. “I don’t think he means literally,” Mia said. “Come on, let’s set up over by the window. I expect the old darlings will need plenty of light.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call them…” Bernard started to say, to warn her that these weren’t old darlings but vivacious active women. He changed his mind, thinking that Mia could use a dose of her own medicine. “I wouldn’t call them darlings. You’ll have to wait on them hand and foot,” he lied. “No, not you, Cid, these gals are definitely old school. Mia, you’ll have to fetch and carry.”
“Maybe we should go home,” Mia suggested to Cid. He nodded. They got as far as opening the door to leave. Standing on the other side of the door from them were two elegantly dressed older women, mirror images of the other. Each held, tight in their strong hands, a long wooden stick. Mia later would discover that each twin held one rosewood, US size thirteen, knitting needle topped with a shiny point protector. But that’s not the image she and Cid beheld. To them, their respective fairy godmothers had finally shown up.
“Mavis, Betty Sue, may I introduce our goddaughter Mia Martin and her friend Cid Garrett.”
“Not little Mia Cooper!” one of the delighted duo exclaimed. “I remember when you were this high.” She used the needle, sweeping it elegantly downward.
“Wow,” Cid said impressed.
Mia was disappointed. She expected her boots to be changed into glass slippers.
The women looked at the awestruck couple and then at Bernard.
“Are they both simple?”
“I’m afraid so,” Bernard lied convincingly. “Both were dropped on their heads as toddlers.”
“They were not!” Ralph cried from behind them. “Mia, move out of the way and let the girls in. My dears, you look a picture,” Ralph said, assessing their clothing. “If I wasn’t besotted with Bernard, you would have turned me,” he teased.
The women breezed by Mia and Cid who turned their heads and watched the women all but dance into the room.
“I thought they were something straight out of Grimm,” Mia whispered.
“I was more on the Disney train, but we arrived with the same thought,” Cid said.
Bernard reached beyond them and closed the door. “Ahem, you have ready and willing workers. I suggest you get the lead out.”
“K,” Mia said and linked her arm through Cid’s. “Come on, if we’re lucky, we’ll get these vests made and have all our wishes come true too.”
~
Mrs. Irma Mullins stood looking out her front window. Moments before, Max Madison had left with Peachy. He explained that he and his wife were going to be staying with his in-laws in Plainfield while Kim convalesced. He thanked her profusely and declined her offer to water their plants while the couple was away. He said some exterminators were expected in a few days, but he had given them a key so she didn’t have to worry about being home to let them in.
“The mail, would you like me to bring it in?” she asked.
“I’m having it forwarded,” Max said. “Again, thank you for your kindness.” He left her house and got in the car. Peachy mewed as he jostled the small animal cage when he opened the back door. Mrs. Mullins waved at Max from the doorway. She sighed. It seemed strange that the young man didn’t even duck into the house to see if everything was locked up.
She glanced from the window to the foyer table and back again. Inside the table was the emergency key the Madisons gave her years ago. They had exchanged keys as a safety measure. Irma was happy to have the young couple looking out for her, and she, in turn, was pleased to be trusted with the entry to their home. Which the thought of would not leave her mind. She had given the set of keys Max had left with her the night of Kim’s accident to the handsome couple the other day. They didn’t seem to have enjoyed their time inside. They left without returning the keys to her. She reported this to Max, and he assured her that the couple had his permission to keep the keys. He also told her that the couple confirmed that the ranch house wasn’t safe to be in right now, but he didn’t elaborate on why. This should have dissuaded Irma. Max’s own actions of avoiding his home should have pushed the idea of taking that other key and going in for a snoop, out of her head. But Irma was cut from a different piece of cloth. She walked over to the table and yanked open the drawer.
“I’d only be checking on the place,” she reasoned out loud. “Just to make sure the doors are locked and the windows… It looks like rain. What if they have one open?”
She grabbed the key and stepped outside onto her porch. The cloudless sky called into question her last reason for entering the house. Irma looked around her, and the neighborhood was quiet. The Druthers weren’t outside gardening. There was no one to see her. She strode down her driveway and onto the sidewalk. The soles of her sensible shoes absorbed the sound of her footsteps as she walked. The Madisons had put in a brick walk to increase
the curb appeal of their ranch home. Irma headed up this walk, stopping only to pick up an errant piece of litter. She smiled. Here was her reason for entering the Madisons’ house. Garbage pickup was tomorrow. If they hadn’t been back inside since Kim had her accident, then there could be a smelly receptacle inside, not to mention a litter box needing sifting.
She hummed the State Farm Insurance Company theme song, only breaking out in song after she unlocked the door, “…and like a good neighbor, Irma is here!”
Wilford Druthers nudged his wife Barbara. “Barb, she’s at it again.”
Barb pulled back the front curtain from the kitchen bay where the two of them were sitting having a cup of coffee. “I guess I should have warned the Madisons about that woman.”
“Now, dear, she’s harmless, just a bit nosy,” Wilford argued.
“You didn’t think she was harmless when you caught her going through your gardening shed.”
He raised his hands. “I stand corrected. I wonder what she’s doing?”
“Could just be taking care of the cat,” Barb suggested.
“No, I saw Max take the cat with him.”
“Perhaps we better keep an eye out just in case she decides to take any souvenirs from her browse.”
“Like their forty inch television?” Wilford asked.
“Now how do you know they have a forty inch television?”
“Read it on the box they put out on recycling day. Come to think of it, I better get our recycling together,” he said getting up. “You let me know if the old woman needs any help with that TV.”
Barb laughed. “I will.”
Irma wrinkled her nose. She was right; Max didn’t think to take out the kitchen garbage or empty the litter box. She decided to see to this task right away before checking out the rest of the house. Irma had always been curious about the ranch house, or more correctly, the ranch houses. There were two identical houses built side by side when she moved in. One of them had been torn down, and Irma always wondered why. She had tried to make friends with both sets of homeowners but found the renters in the now-demolished house standoffish. The Madisons’ house had pleasant enough people residing there, but they seemed uninterested in being neighborly.