“What’s wrong with you?” Roslyn asked as Lexi put her hand on the bar to brace herself from another dizzy spell.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you think you might want to get it checked out before you take another tumble and bust up your face again?” she suggested wisely.
“Yes. I was kind of waiting until school was out.”
“Well, guess what? School has been out, and it would be nice if I had someone to go out with who wasn’t going to fall off her bar stool.”
“You fall off your bar stool all the time,” Lexi kidded her friend.
“True, but I think you need to go to the doctor. Not that you’re not dating a doctor. He hasn’t given you a thorough exam yet?”
“No. Not yet.” Lexi frowned at the floor.
“What’s the deal?” Roz pushed.
“We don’t see each other that much. When he came over last week, I got sick. This week he got called out right when we were about to head upstairs. It just hasn’t worked out yet.”
“Well then, make an appointment with Nichole.”
“Okay. I will.” When Roslyn raised her brow, Lexi added, “I promise.”
Lexi called Nichole’s office and made an appointment for the next week. She spent the rest of the day speculating about when Jeremy might come over next. She’d thought they would see more of each other once she was done working for the summer, but so far it hadn’t worked out that way.
She didn’t see him the rest of the week. He had some lectures to attend on top of his already hideous schedule. Twice she met him near the hospital for a quick lunch, but they didn’t have a lot of time.
She started to worry about where this was going. Could she really do this? She knew it wouldn’t be like this forever, but she kind of needed someone in her life right now.
She decided not to let it get her down and went shopping for a new outfit that would make her feel better.
She wasn’t a big shopper and usually employed Kelly or Roslyn to help make it bearable. That day she just wanted to be alone. Since she and Ian had split she hadn’t had a lot of extra money to spend frivolously. But she decided a new outfit was what she needed so she splurged before she went to meet Kelly for an early dinner.
“You look great,” Kelly said as she hugged Lexi.
“I do?”
“Well, aside from the yellow eye, yeah. Ian told me you fell?” As expected, she didn’t look convinced. Stupid Lifetime Movies.
Lexi hadn’t seen Kelly in a while because of Aidan’s baseball practice. And because it felt weird being excited about another man who wasn’t Kelly’s brother. Lexi was hoping this new relationship wouldn’t come between them, but already she feared it had.
“Yeah. I fell. It was nothing. I’m fine.”
“Well, you look fine to me. Happy.”
“Thanks. I bought a new outfit today. That must be it.” Lexi nodded but could almost feel the smile fade away as she got ready to ask the question.
“How’s Ian?” Why did she always feel the need to ask? Why couldn’t she get over him?
Kelly gave her the sympathetic frown/smile she had perfected since Ian and Lexi split.
“I don’t really know. I hardly see him. I called a few times, but he comes up with excuses why he can’t come for dinner. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”
“Maybe I should check in,” Lexi said, almost giddy with an excuse to talk to him again.
“Maybe you should focus on your hot doctor,” Kelly suggested.
“Right.” Lexi nodded and laughed.
She needed to move on.
Ian got a text from Lexi late one night.
WHICH OF THE WALL ANCHOR THINGIES HOLDS MORE WEIGHT? THE WHITE ONES OR THE BROWN ONES?
She always got energetic when she first got out of school for the summer. She never wanted to waste the summer.
He texted back immediately. Let it not be said Ian Montgomery didn’t learn from his mistakes.
WHAT DOES THE PACK SAY? he wrote.
THERE ISN’T A PACKAGE. THEY’RE JUST IN THE DRAWER.
Ian tried to remember what was in the junk drawer in the laundry room.
WHICH ONE IS BIGGER? he typed back.
THE WHITE ONE IS THICKER BUT SHORTER. THE BROWN ONE IS SKINNIER BUT LONGER.
ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE CASE? he wrote, making a lewd joke.
LOL. Good, she got the humor.
YOU DON’T HAVE A DRILL SO YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO USE EITHER OF THEM. He remembered he’d taken all the tools when he left.
I HAVE A HAMMER. CAN’T I JUST POUND IT IN?
NO!
NEVER MIND. ROSLYN GAVE ME SOME HEAVY-DUTY TACKS. I’LL JUST USE THEM.
TACKS ARE NEVER GOING TO HOLD THAT PAINTING.
Nothing.
LEX?
Nothing.
“Shit!” he said out loud to his empty apartment. He looked at the clock; it was five after ten. “Damn it, Lex!” he said as he packed up the drill and got in his car to go be her knight in shining armor or her annoying ex with a power tool, whichever.
He rang the doorbell three times in a row, as if he could stop her just before she made a horrible drywall-marring mistake.
She opened the door wearing one of his old shirts and a pair of leggings. Oh, God, leggings. He was instantly hard.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came to help hang the picture before you bitch up the walls.” He sounded disgruntled, but his smile ruined the effect. The truth was, he didn’t want to be anywhere else.
She laughed as she opened the door, letting him in. The sound filled his heart. He’d been working on being alone and he was much better at it, but it still sucked.
“Do you have like flashing lights and a siren?” she said.
“No, but I’ll look into getting some.”
“I hope the white one will work because the brown one met an unfortunate end.” She held up a mangled brown anchor.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Turns out you can’t just pound it in with a hammer.”
Don’t say I told you so. Don’t say I told you so. Don’t say I told you so, he repeated inside his head.
“Where do you want it?” he asked. He was in his glory because she needed him. So stupid.
“In my room. I want to look at it when I wake up,” she said. Her words tugged at his heart a little.
He held out his hand and she turned over the other anchor before following him upstairs.
At the top of the stairs he turned left to go into their bedroom.
“Oh, uh . . . not that room. The one on the right.” She pointed.
He stopped and stared as she passed him to go into what had been the spare bedroom.
He followed her inside. The bed was made and the room was neat, but it was definitely being used for more than a guest room. Her books and laptop were piled on the nightstand. There was a towel hanging on the back of the closet door, which was open and full of her clothes.
“Why are you sleeping in here?” he asked without thinking first.
She shrugged.
“The faucet dripped in the master bathroom and the sound kept me up, so it was just easier to stay in here.” Another shrug.
“Did you call a plumber?”
“No. I didn’t want a big bill.”
“Lex, if you need something, just ask. I’ll help.” He tried not to sound angry.
“Why would I ask you, Ian? It’s not your responsibility. You were already generous enough to give me the house. You aren’t expected to help pay for its upkeep. And you’re certainly not responsible for hanging paintings at all hours of the night.” Her bottom lip trembled, and he realized everything she’d said was a lie. The dripping faucet, the plumbing bill.
She just didn’t want to have to sleep in their old bedroom. Probably because it hurt like hell.
He pulled her into his arms as she started to sob.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered over
and over again.
“No. I am. I’m such an ass, Lex. I can’t stop hurting you, no matter how hard I try.” He guided her over to sit on the edge of the bed and sat down next to her with his arm still around her. “And I should have texted you back and told you I was thinking about you and sticky buns, because I was. I think about that weekend all the time. I don’t know what my problem is.” He raked his fingers through his hair.
“Your problem is me,” she said softly.
“No. You’re definitely not my problem. Except when you try to hang a painting.” They chuckled, and he kissed her hair. Then he kissed her cheek, before moving to her lips. She pulled away. “You’re still with the ravioli guy?” he guessed by her reaction. She nodded. “Why didn’t you call him to help with the wall anchor thingies?” He used her own words, which made her lip pull up on the one corner.
“He’s a surgeon. He can’t risk hurting his hands.”
“Seriously?” he said. She laughed at his expression.
“No. I didn’t want to ask him. He works all the time. When he isn’t working, it seems rude to ask him to do fix-it things. Besides . . .”
“Besides?”
“He’s never been in my bedroom,” she said in a rush, like she was embarrassed. Ian couldn’t have been happier. Of course he knew from experience that Lexi didn’t need a bedroom to have a good time, but chances were they would have started with the more conventional venues before branching out.
He got up and inspected the wall until he could hide his smile.
“You want it here where this big dent is?”
“Yes.” She sighed.
He got his tools out, knowing how the tool belt turned her on. He could feel her watching him as he worked. He didn’t mind at all. Unfortunately, the job didn’t take as long as he wanted. The anchor was installed in minutes.
“When did you start to hate me, Ian?”
He just about dropped the drill on his foot and turned to face her with his brows creased.
“I don’t hate you, Lex. I’ve never hated you, not once, ever.”
“When did you realize you didn’t love me anymore?”
“I—I—what does it matter? Why are you asking me this?” He reached for the painting so he had something to do.
“I never got the chance to ask you. I thought we were going to go to counseling. I thought I’d be able to find out what happened, but I didn’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that. I just couldn’t do it.” He would do anything to go back and do things right. Maybe they would have had a chance if he’d been able to face her. If he’d talked it out and told her that he was terrified of failing her.
He sat down on the bed next to her again.
“The night I got the papers from the lawyer, I read over them and then went to see Jimmy,” she whispered. He had to lean in closer to hear her. “I didn’t understand why we were getting divorced when we hadn’t tried everything. Jimmy told me it was a mistake. He said something must have happened at the lawyer’s office and they sent out the papers by accident.
“It made sense to me, so I believed him. I went home that night expecting a call the next day, or another letter saying it was a mistake, like Jimmy said.
“A week went by and my attorney contacted me, explaining they had gotten their copies. I realized then it wasn’t a mistake. Jimmy was wrong. I don’t think he was ever wrong before.
“He never spoke to me about you again after that night. He never mentioned your name or told me when he saw you. I think he knew it hurt too much, and he was saving me from that pain. But part of me wondered if he was saving himself, too. Did he ever talk to you about me?”
He swallowed and nodded. “Yes. Every time I went to see him, he talked about you. Not so much about how you were doing, but he would talk about times from before. It felt like he was twisting the knife. Trying to make me feel it when I was so set on keeping it out.
“The only time I ever took Meeghan to his place, he was polite and talked to her like she was his favorite guest. Then, when she got in the car, he pulled me to the side and told me to never bring her to his house again. Not that I would have anyway. It felt so wrong.
“I thought I would punish him or try to force him into accepting my new life by not going to see him anymore, but he wouldn’t have it. He showed up at my apartment to visit and kept talking about you.”
“He probably wasn’t helping my cause,” she said with a smirk.
“He was making sure I didn’t forget how you made me feel.” He got up and adjusted the newly hung painting, tilting it to the left to make it level. “I didn’t stop loving you, Lex.”
He heard her quick breath behind him.
“I left because I couldn’t see you hurting anymore. I couldn’t see how disappointed you were while trying to be brave and hopeful, when all I did was fail you over and over again. I left because it was easier than asking you to give up.
“After I left, I felt relieved. No pressure, no heartache, no seeing you in pain. I realized you were better off without me.
“I filed for divorce and started dating Meeghan right away in the hope you would hate me. Because I sure as hell hated myself. I thought it would help you move on if you saw I had. But I wasn’t really moving on. I was just deluding myself. That’s why I broke up with her after I saw you at my sister’s. Because that night I knew you were still part of my family, and she never would be.”
“I thought you left me because I was broken and couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
“Lex.” Tears came to his eyes and he didn’t bother to hide them. “That’s not true. You gave me everything. I’m so sorry I never told you before.”
“I never thought you would leave me. It was the one thing in my life I thought I could be absolutely sure of. Even when things got crazy, I thought it would be fine because you would be there. We would get through it together.
“Then, when I started to drown and I needed you to throw me a rope, you handed me a boulder instead.”
More tears flooded his eyes as he stroked her back and brushed the hair out of her face. When she looked up at him, he leaned down and kissed her.
He had kissed Lexi thousands of times, but this kiss felt like their first. The nervous tension. He moved closer to deepen the kiss, and she backed away, crushing what was left of his soul.
“I have a boyfriend, Ian.”
Right. He had forgotten all about him.
“Do you still want to have a boyfriend?” he asked, hoping the other guy didn’t matter.
“Whether I want to or not, I have one. I don’t do this.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Her father had been unfaithful and it had destroyed her mother’s life. She would never consider cheating on anyone.
“I’m glad you told me what you were thinking back then, but the thing is—I don’t trust you now, Ian. Whether you left for me or for you, the fact is you left. What would keep that from happening again?”
He didn’t have an answer—yet. He was making headway in his therapy, but he was far from ready to make promises.
“Thank you for hanging the painting.” She stood up and just about fell over. He reached out to catch her before she hit the floor. She was as white as a sheet.
“Lex?” He touched her clammy cheek while she blinked up at him. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy.”
“Again? Maybe I should take you to the hospital,” he suggested with worry in his voice.
“No. I’ll be okay. I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow anyway.”
“How many times has this happened since you fell?” he asked.
“Twice.”
What was wrong with her? He tugged at his hair. He didn’t have any right to take care of her, and her new boyfriend was a doctor so she didn’t need him. He felt helpless.
“Do you want me to take you to the doctor’s tomorrow?” he tried.
“No, thanks. I think I just over
did it today. I’m kind of tired.”
“Sure. I’ll go so you can get some rest.” He kissed her forehead. “Be happy, Lex.”
“You too.”
He left knowing he would never be as happy as he had been when he lived there with her.
He might learn how to live on his own and deal with being alone, but he would never be happy without her.
Never.
Chapter 12
As Lexi walked into Nichole’s office the next afternoon, she felt like a weight had lifted.
She and Ian had finally talked out their issues. She’d finally got the closure she needed. As much chemistry as they had, it couldn’t make up for the lack of communication.
Lexi was ready to move on with Jeremy—or give it a shot anyway. She would always love Ian, and as wonderful as it would have been to fall into bed with him again last night, she knew what the morning would bring.
More doubts, worries, and silences until he left again to escape.
She couldn’t live like that.
She pulled out her phone and sent Jeremy a text that said YOU’RE STAYING WITH ME TONIGHT.
Then she followed Nichole down the hall, feeling content to be making the first step in picking up the pieces.
She hadn’t known Nichole long. She was best friends with Cooper, Lexi’s divorce attorney and Roslyn’s new fiancé. She was funny, and as she started asking questions, she seemed very capable and professional. Good. Lexi wanted to get her health problem worked out so she could move on to better things.
“I’m sorry I went a little crazy the last time we went out,” Nichole said.
“What do you mean?” Lex didn’t understand the problem. She hadn’t gotten wasted or anything.
“I was going on and on about wedding stuff. Afterward, I realized that was really insensitive. You and Riley are going through divorces. The last thing you want to hear about is my dress and flowers.” She frowned as she wrote something on Lexi’s chart.
“I’m really happy for you, Nic. Honestly, it’s easier to be happy now than it was when we went out.” Lexi smiled. “It helps to be dating a hot doctor.”
“Spill. Who is he and where does he work? I’ll have him checked out through the nurse’s network. Those nurses are better at digging up dirt on someone than a private detective.”
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