by E. S. Carter
“I still don’t get it.” Josh shakes his head, “How is that an invitation for you to be inappropriate with my boss?”
I chew at my bottom lip, cursing under my breath at those noisy brats who caused all this confusion in the first place.
“Well, the thing is…”
“Spit it fucking out, H.”
All eyes snap towards Josh. He never swears. I guess that means he’s pissed off at me before I even bother explaining.
“Well, I thought she said…” I mumble the last couple of words and they get swallowed up by the music pulsing all around us.
“I can’t lip read, H. Speak up.”
Josh’s voice is hard, stern even and I’ve never seen this side of him before. Maybe there is more to the meek and mild teacher. Maybe he’s not always such a pushover.
I clear my throat and look over at him, but don’t meet his eyes.
“I thought she said, ‘Do you need any help with your blue balls’ and the thing is, I hadn’t had sex for a while and it was not long after Bella left and…”
I’m rambling and I know it. I don’t deal well with pressure.
I hear a restrained chuckle that quickly morphs into a full belly laugh and immediately the words stop vomiting from my mouth.
Josh is doubled over, clutching his belly and laughing hysterically.
Between his hiccups and chortles, he manages to get out, “You thought Mrs Primrose asked if you needed help with your blue balls? Seriously?”
I nod at him, not knowing whether to join in his laughter or wait for him to punch me in the face. A glance at Iz and Liam tells me they look just as bemused by Josh’s reaction, although they also look amused.
He takes in a deep gulp of air, wipes a tear from his eye and looks directly at me, the smile never leaving his eyes.
“Mrs Primrose has been married to her wife for ten years. She is no more interested in your balls than I am.”
Well, fuck me sideways.
“She was a right cougar hottie and could have invited me to play the meat in their sandwich, I wouldn’t have complained.”
Groans echo all around me.
“What? Like you weren’t all thinking the same thing. Lesbians are hot. Like, they are so hot it’s physically impossible for them to build a snowman.”
More groans, but I just shrug, “Scientific fact, my friends.”
I grab my beer and down the rest of its contents, “So, whose round is it next?”
I look expectantly from Iz, to Josh and then Liam. Each of them wears a similar smile and I’m not sure what I said to garner this response.
“What? You’re all looking at me like I’ve grown an extra tit. Who’s getting them in?”
Liam stands, placing his hand on my shoulder as he walks past me, towards the bar. “It’s good to have you back, H.”
The next week flies by.
I’ve tried numerous times to get out of this volunteer gig with Josh, but every time I bring it up via text or when he calls, he always manages to let me know how grateful he is that I’m helping.
Yeah, like I said, he’s got the ‘don’t kick the cute puppy’ trick down pat.
Saturday is here before I know it and I reluctantly make my way to Josh’s school to find out exactly what horrors he has in store for me.
The main car park is packed to bursting with kids and their parents everywhere; it’s like all my nightmares come true.
I borrowed my mother’s car and I’m thankful it’s a tiny, little city mobile as I manoeuvre through the busy parking area, finding a single space right at the back next to a hot as fuck muscle car.
If I were in a better mood, I’d laugh at the irony of me in this pathetic, bright yellow car that’s more like a hairdryer on wheels, pulling up next to this beast of a machine.
Yeah, if I hadn’t had to sell my pride and joy to clear some of the debts that ‘she who must not be named’ left me with, then climbing out of this banana mobile might have been worth a chuckle, but it’s not.
I reluctantly climb out, squeezing myself past the red Mustang and allowing myself a glance at all its curves, when a door slamming on the other side of the car grabs my attention.
Gracefully exiting the ruby mean machine, with curves that far exceed the vehicular ones I was just admiring on the Mustang, is a vision in white.
I can only see her head and torso from the angle I’m standing at, but bloody hell, this girl is fine.
Moulded to her frame is a tight, white t-shirt, displaying a killer rack. I drag my eyes up, away from her boobs just as she bends to get something out of the car and catch sight of her dark locks that are cut in a chin length, uneven style, with one side longer than the other.
Realising that I’m staring, I shake myself off and lock up the banana mobile, hoping that she doesn’t think I arrived in this garish, go-kart.
As I approach the back of the car, movement catches my eye again and I stop to watch her drag a giant rabbit’s head from the passenger seat.
From here, I can see the rest of her is now clad in the matching bunny bottoms and furry top, and she pays no attention to me as she reaches up and pushes the giant head over hers. A few seconds later, the curvy beauty is transformed into a giant, pink bunny, complete with floppy ears and buck teeth.
I’m openly staring now, but figure that she’s a bunny, she’s used to it.
“Hey, can you give me a hand with my eggs?”
The words come out mumbled from inside the huge head and I realise, Bunny Girl is talking to me.
I point to my chest, like a complete idiot and mouth “Me?”
The giant head nods once and a garbled, “Please,” comes from its depths, while a pawed hand motions to the boot of her car.
The old H would have had at least one joke to make about her outfit, but I find myself struck mute by the hot chick in a bunny costume.
The first hot girl since ‘Nut Gate’ to finally stir some life into my Davidson and I can’t even find the words to make a joke about fertilised eggs. Actually, my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth, so I can’t find any words at all.
I precariously stack up the egg boxes and load them beneath one arm, while grabbing her bunny basket with the other.
Yes, bunny basket, as in a jumbo basket, covered in bunnies.
Fuck, I can’t even think of something funny to say about that.
Where has my mojo gone when I need it?
“Thanks for helping, carrying anything while wearing this is impossible. Believe it or not, this head weighs a ton and I end up walking more like a duck than a rabbit.”
“Do you often dress up or is this your first time?”
What a stupid fucking question.
I slam the car boot and walk towards the school with Bunny Girl. She’s right; she would make the perfect waddling duck.
She waddles a little faster to keep up, “Yes, I love role play. You should see some of my costumes. Wonder Woman, Naughty Nurse, Dominatrix X; you name it, I have it.”
I stop dead in my tracks causing her waddling to falter.
“Did you just say you dress up often? As a Dominatrix?”
The bunny head turns to look my way and a muffled snort erupts from the girl within. “Yes, Yes I did.”
My jaw hits the floor and I scramble to stop the egg boxes from falling out of my arms.
Her snort turns into full blown belly laughing, and she doubles over, her giant head lolling to one side.
“I… I just can’t…” more uncontrollable giggling, “I’ve just always wanted to say something like that to someone. I’m sorry… I’m pulling your leg.”
She straightens, hiccupping slightly, “Your face is a picture, and totally worth the stitch I have in my side from laughing so hard.”
She extends her furry paw to me, “Let’s start again. Hi, I’m Delilah, but my friends call me Lilah.”
I look at my full arms and then back to the pink paw thrust at my chest.
“I’d shake your paw, but, umm�
� I don’t want to fertilise… I mean scramble your eggs.”
Fuck. This bunny has got me flipped like a pancake, and I’m dangerously close to escaping the pan and ending up on the floor.
Ruined. A ruined, fucking pancake.
The bunny head tilts slightly to one side, “You’re a funny guy. I like that,” is the quietened response that I can’t help but smile at. Even off my game, this bunny thinks I’m funny.
“I’m H, well my name’s Harry, but everyone calls me H.”
“Pleasure to meet you Harry, and thanks again for helping a bunny out.”
She turns and begins her duck waddle towards the school’s playing fields that are now decked out with all manner of games and stalls.
When we reach the stall with the sign ‘Easter Bunny’ painted on the side, she turns and reaches for the stack of egg boxes in my arms.
“This is me for the next two hours, or until my eggs run out. Are you a parent or are you helping for the day?”
I open my mouth to reply because I’m not ready to say goodbye to Bunny Girl yet, when a voice calls out from behind me, “H, I’m glad you made it. You’re with me on the touch rugby stand.” We both turn to around to see Josh striding towards us.
“I thought it would be more fun for you than the Hook-A-Duck you got stuck on last time.” He looks towards Bunny Girl and says a quick, “Hey Delilah; fur looks good on you,” before guiding me from the stall and away from my bunny.
“How’d you know Bunny Girl was Delilah?” I ask with a quick look over my shoulder to watch her setting up her display of eggs.
Josh follows my eyes and smiles knowingly, “She’s something else, hey?” I nod slightly in response, still staring back at the big, pink ball of fur, just wishing for another glimpse of the girl underneath.
“Delilah is a Physiotherapist who works with one of our students. The bunny costume was a bet she lost with that student. That’s how I know who’s inside the bunny.”
I walk with my head turned towards the Easter stand, watching as the pink bunny gets farther and farther away.
“Can you stop pining after the bunny and get your head in the game?”
I drag my eyes from Lilah and look over at Josh as we approach a cordoned off area with inflatable sides.
“These kids can be ruthless with their tackles, so watch your crown jewels and don’t let them take you down or you’ll never get back up.”
“Great. I can’t wait.”
We climb over the sides of the temporary pitch and begin to pull out all the balls, cones and bibs.
I can’t help but steal a few glances back towards my new furry friend.
“So… Bunny Girl, I mean, Delilah. Is she single and ready to mingle or is she another school hottie with a girlfriend?”
Josh stops mid-bend and drops the remaining cones to the floor. He walks slowly towards me and sets his hand on my shoulder as we both look at Bunny Girl who is now handing out chocolate eggs to the gaggle of children that surround her.
“I don’t know her that well, but she’s an amazing woman. You two would probably have a lot in common.”
“Like what?”
He gives my shoulder a squeeze before dropping his hand, “Like humour, quirkiness… life. You should stay at the end and offer to help her tidy up. Maybe you can find out if she’s available for mingling.”
He walks away, back to his duties and moments later we are swarmed by a gang of eight-to-eleven-year-olds, all ready to kick our arse.
Two hours of touch rugby with a rowdy bunch of kids is a whole new world of pain. I’ve been elbowed in the eye, ribs and nuts and took a nasty tackle to the floor when a kid, who swears he was only ten but looked more like sixteen, dived on me from behind. This tackle resulted in, at least, a dozen other kids joining the fun and creating a ‘pile-on H’ mountain.
Yeah, it’s been… Hell.
I drag my broken and weary body around the pitch, helping Josh pick up all the equipment and ponder whether I smell too badly to approach Bunny Girl and offer her a hand. Hell, she can have both hands if I just get to see her face and those white cotton encased tits again.
What can I say? I might have been de-balled, but my libido is finally coming to life and I’m not risking it running away again.
“Thanks for today, mate.”
Josh hands me a bottle of water and smacks me across the back, jarring a few of my war wounds in the process.
“Yeah, it was fun-ish, but don’t go asking me again in a hurry.”
I stop bagging up the bibs to look over at Bunny Girl’s stall. I think most of my injuries were caused by looking over at her and not focussing on the devil spawn who were intent on unmanning me.
The bibs are snatched from my hands and I tear my gaze away from my new obsession to see Josh staring at me with a soppy grin on his face.
“Go, help the girl out. I can finish up here.”
My leg is already over the inflatable siding as I ask, “You sure you’re okay to clear up on your own?”
He laughs and nods his head in the direction that my body is screaming at me to walk towards. “I’m not sure wild horses could keep you away for much longer. Besides, I spot my girls walking towards me.” His face lights up.
I look over my shoulder to see Laura and Baby Ivy heading our way. Laura wears the same beaming smile as her husband and for a brief moment, I feel jealous.
Will I ever get what they have?
Will the woman of my dreams ever walk to me with that same smile on her face?
Will I ever see her cradling my child?
Woah! Hold your fucking horses!
Where did that thought come from? I’ve been unable to get it up for months and now I’m thinking of making mini Harrys or Harrietts.
Calm the fuck down, Davidson.
Let’s go and seal the deal first. At the very least, find out if she’s single.
I approach her stall and see mountains of empty foil wrapping littering the floor, but not a chocolate egg left in sight. I was kind of fancying a little choccy pick me up, but those bloody kids have pillaged the lot.
Bunny Girl is now headless; her big furry bonce is sitting on the table looking at me while she has her back to me and is bending over like those chicks do in the fitness videos when they touch their toes. Straight legs no bend to the knees. It looks weird, yet still hot and I imagine her peachy rear clad in a shiny pink lycra leotard, instead of the fluffy pink bunny fur it is now.
“Are you going to keep staring at my arse or are you going to be of use and help me pick up some of this bloody mess?”
I flick my eyes away from her arse to see her head between her legs and she’s looking at me from her upside down position with a shit eating grin on her face.
“I wasn’t…” I attempt to deny my lycra fantasy but she cuts me off.
“You were, it’s fine. I’ve heard loads of men have bunny tail fetishes. Your secret is safe with me.” Still upside down, she winks at me before lithely unfurling herself to her full height.
I can’t help myself and my mouth shifts into gear before my brain, “Why do you make it so hard for yourself? Bending like that might be a sight for my sore eyes, but it has to be killer on your muscles.”
Something passes behind her velvet brown eyes, but in a blink it’s gone and she shrugs before replying, “It’s more comfortable than it looks, you should try it.”
She turns away from me once more and grabs a roll of black rubbish bags from the table, tearing one off and handing it to me.
“Be of some use, Banana Man, while I go and change.”
She smirks at me before waddling off in the direction of the car park.
Banana Man? What the…?
I smack my forehead with my palm and drag my hand down my face.
She saw me get out of the Banana Mobile.
Great. Just, great.
Ball-less, bunny-less and I’ve gone and lost my man-card too.
I shake my head and bend to col
lect up the rest of the trash muttering to myself, “Hey, Delilah. Fancy coming out for a coffee with a loser?”
“Yes.”
I spin around so fast I almost land on my arse but I manage to right myself at the last second by grabbing the table, causing the bunny head to roll off onto the floor, where it lands, straight at her feet.
She does that super hot bending move again and picks her head up from the floor. I know I’m gaping like a Goldfish gasping for air, but I swear she just told me yes.
“Yes, I said yes. I’d love to go for a coffee with a loser.”
I snap my jaw shut and squint my eyes. Is she a mind…
“No, I’m not a mind reader, you’ve been saying all those things out loud, not thinking them.”
With that, she turns tail and walks away, throwing over her shoulder, “Meet me by that yellow hairdryer you arrived in and I’ll take you for a ride in a real car.”
Then she’s gone and I’ve lost the ability to speak.
I’m going for a ride with Bunny Girl, in her sexy as fuck Mustang.
Giddy up!
When I saw him unfold his tall frame from out of that teeny, tiny, yellow car, I had to hold back a laugh. That was until I saw the melancholy on his handsome face.
From that moment on, I was determined to be as dorky as possible. My mission: Make the cute guy with the sad eyes laugh.
My first few attempts to get him to crack a smile failed dismally. All they served to do was humiliate me and make me look like a bit of a nutcase, but I wasn’t going to give up that easily.
When he came back to help me tidy up, and I caught him blatantly checking out my arse, I couldn’t help but tease him. Watching a slight blush creep over his strong cheekbones and seeing his flummoxed reaction, made this game a lot more fun. It also hid my embarrassment about my leg problems. Something he noticed, but I found easy to gloss over. It made me more determined to chase up my Doctor’s appointment, so I could finally bend without creaking again.
I use the teacher’s locker room to strip off my bunny costume and pull a long, maxi skirt from out of my bag. Luckily, the crinkly fabric hides the haphazard way I stuffed it in earlier. A quick spritz of perfume and flick of my hair, and I’m ready to take Harry for a ride in Clarabelle.