Dean looked at her as if she’d just spoken Dutch.
‘You’re a virgin? You’re trying to tell me you’re a virgin?’
‘Yes and no,’ Carly said. She’d meant only to think it. Yes, she was a virgin. No, she hadn’t been trying to tell him so. ‘Technically.’ It really wasn’t all that technical. It was really pretty clear. But ‘technically’ sounded better than ‘completely’. ‘I’m just … not … I don’t feel ready. You know? I’m just not quite ready.’
‘You’re sixteen, right?’ A flat indictment. Judge, jury and executioner.
‘Yeah. But … That’s not so weird. Is it?’
A long wait. Carly already knew she wouldn’t like the answer.
‘It’s very weird. It’s, like … freakish.’ He levered to his feet. ‘I can’t believe I wasted all this time with you. Shit. Nothing’s right today. I hate this fucking day.’
Another knife punch to the gut. But now Carly’s gut was ready. She had shut off all the nerve centers, and the blow landed in a field of nothing in the darkness inside her.
Dean walked away.
‘Where are you going?’
It sounded so thin and pathetic and lame that she’d gladly have pressed an off-switch on the entire universe if that would have deleted it.
He stopped. Looked down at her over his shoulder. In more ways than one.
‘I’m gonna go make some time with a girl who’s not looking for something so … special.’ He imitated her voice on the last word.
The final insult.
Or so Carly thought.
Halfway back up to the cabin, Carly passed Dean and Heather. Walking down to the lake. Hand in hand.
Dean grabbed the blanket off Carly’s shoulder.
‘We’ll be needing that,’ he said.
Heather flashed Carly a smile of smug and utter victory.
Carly quickened her steps and trotted double-time up to the cabin.
There she grabbed her suitcase from the corner of the bedroom floor. Threw in any of her clothes she happened to see lying around. Latched the bag with the sleeve of a long-sleeved tee-shirt still hanging out.
She marched out the front door of the cabin and up the driveway, shifting the heavy bag from hand to hand as she walked down the road. In the direction of somewhere that wasn’t the lake.
It was already nearly pitch dark.
Ned’s Bait & Tackle stood out in neon in the night, the only man-made object for a mile. There was a payphone out front. Just like she remembered. Just like Dean said. It made her feel saved.
She followed the directions on the phone to place a collect call, punching in her home number by heart. When a recorded voice asked her to say her name, she said, ‘It’s me, Carly,’ in a slightly shaky voice. Then she decided she could say she was only cold. That maybe it had sounded like she was trying not to cry, but really her teeth had just chattered slightly.
The line rang six times. Then the answering machine picked up.
Carly hung up and pressed her forehead to the phone. Closed her eyes. Snow began to swirl. Lots of it. Big flakes, quite suddenly. She glanced over at her shoulder and watched the flakes settle on her jacket in the neon glow.
She scoured her pockets for quarters, and found six. If she hadn’t found any, she had no idea what she would have done. Even dollars would have been of no use. She dialed Teddy’s cell-phone number by heart.
He picked up on the second ring.
She said his name, but it was noisy wherever Teddy was. She could barely hear him. He could barely hear her.
‘It’s Carly,’ she shouted into the phone, though he probably still couldn’t hear her. And she didn’t have much time. Not for six quarters.
‘Wait,’ he said. ‘Let me take this outside.’
The background noise faded, then sharply cut off, replaced by almost complete silence.
‘Teddy, it’s me. Carly.’
‘Carly. Where’re you calling from?’
Only then did she realize how close she’d been to losing it. To falling apart.
‘I’m in trouble, Teddy. I need to get home. Can you come and get me?’
In the midst of those words, Carly couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.
‘How much trouble? What kind of trouble? Should I be calling 911 here?’
‘First I need you to call me back. Before we get cut off. Let me read you the number of the payphone.’
‘Wait. Let me see if it comes up on my cell phone. Yeah. I’ve got it. I’ll call you right back.’
Carly set the phone gently in its cradle, and pressed her forehead against it again. When it rang, the vibration made her jump. She picked it up.
‘Now where were we?’ Teddy asked. ‘How much trouble? Should I be calling 911?’
‘No. Not that much trouble. I just couldn’t stay there. I just walked away. And now I’m at this little shop that’s closed, and it’s snowing, and I can’t go back there, and it’s cold, and I have to get home somehow. Nobody answered at the house. Why didn’t somebody answer at the house? Where are you? Where is everybody?’
A long silence. Then Teddy said, ‘When it rains, it pours.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means we’ve got ourselves a situation here.’
‘Still not following.’
‘OK, I’ll say it clearer, then. My whole world’s falling apart here, Carly. Yours, too, you just don’t know it yet. Everybody’s world is falling apart. And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse. But if you need to get home, fine. Of course I’ll come get you. Where are you?’
‘I don’t know.’
Another long silence.
‘You do realize that doesn’t help our situation.’
‘I don’t know the name of this road. But I’m in front of this little store called Ned’s Bait & Tackle. It’s near a town called Fish Fork, which is like the tiniest town in the world, hardly even a town, but this is sort of on the other side of it. It only took us an hour and a half to drive up here from Tulare.’
Silence.
‘Fish Fork? No. Never mind. This is no time to make jokes. Besides, it’s too easy. Ned’s Bait & Tackle. OK, fine. I’ll look that up. I’ll try to get the address from a listing on the business. And I’ve got the number of the phone booth in case I can’t find you. Hold tight, OK? I’ll be there as quick as I can.’
‘Teddy? What’s going on there?’
‘Please, Carly. One disaster at a time.’
When she’d let him off the phone, Carly sat down on her suitcase. Leaned her back against the bait-shop window. Waited. Set her internal clock so she’d be prepared to wait a long time.
The snow covered her in light veils as she sat.
It might have been a cold ten minutes or a cold hour later when Dean’s dad’s four-wheel drive SUV pulled up. Pulled off the road and into the dirt parking lot in front of Ned’s Bait & Tackle. Carly didn’t figure she could handle seeing him until it came clear why he was here. Maybe to apologize. Maybe to share more thoughts on what a freak and a loser she was. So she kept looking up into the falling flakes. It was a world she could almost live in. If she just never looked down again.
The engine shut off. For a few moments, it had been the only sound in her world. It felt good to get back to all that snowy silence.
In the absolute still, Carly heard the window power down.
‘You OK?’
It was not the voice of Dean. It was not even the voice of a boy.
Carly looked down.
It was Janie. Janie had gotten the keys somehow and driven all the way out here to find her. To see if she was OK.
‘I’m fine,’ Carly said, and tipped her head back up to the sky again.
‘You need a ride or something? Want me to drive you back down to Tulare?’
‘That’s a nice offer,’ Carly said. Still without looking down. ‘But I called my friend Teddy and he’s on his way up here to get me.’
A long silence. Carly
listened to it with great care.
Then Janie said, ‘You know. I dated Dean about three times. Sophomore year. He’s a total jerk.’
Carly said nothing for a long time. Right up until the time she said, ‘Thanks.’ Without even knowing she was about to. ‘Why’d you even come up to his cabin, then?’
A question she probably had no right to ask. But it was too late.
‘Because Hunter was here.’
‘Oh. Hunter’s nicer?’
‘No. Hunter’s a total jerk, too. But he’s so hot, who cares? You sure you’re OK? You want to sit in the car till your ride gets here? Are you freezing?’
Yes and no, she thought. She’d almost gotten used to the cold. Accepted it as normal. She thought of the inside of Dean’s car, the ride up. She should have known, even then, that she was never a part of anything. Now that had been cold. This was fine.
Carly wanted nothing less than to go backward into any part of that world. And Janie’s pity made her uneasy. Made her feel like even more of a jerk.
‘No, I’m good,’ Carly said. ‘Thanks, though.’
Flakes swirled down into her face for a couple of moments more. Seconds or minutes, Carly didn’t know. She’d lost the ability to judge. Swirling flakes against a black sky gave no frame of reference. For anything. Life was not demarcated in any way. Not any more.
The engine of the SUV fired up again.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Janie said.
Then she powered the window up, backed out on to the snowy road, and disappeared around a hairpin curve.
Carly looked down, briefly, watching her go.
Yeah, Merry Christmas, she thought. ‘Tis the season to be jolly. Oh joyous night. Oh wondrous freaking everything.
She leaned back even farther, so that the crown of her head rested on the cold front window of the bait store.
At some point, without realizing it, she must have drifted asleep.
A slamming car door brought Carly bolt upright. Her neck screamed complaints when asked to suddenly straighten out again. But she didn’t voice that pain.
Teddy was standing right in front of her.
She looked up into his face for what seemed like a long time. Watched the swirling flakes gather on his shaggy hair. She couldn’t see his face well enough to gauge the look in his eyes.
‘Now you know why your mom didn’t want you to go,’ he said.
With some effort, she pulled stiffly to her feet and threw her arms around him. He sighed. Wrapped her up in warmth. Not just physical warmth, either. Every kind of warmth. Every version of warm that existed anywhere in the world.
A moment later he held her at arms’ length by the shoulders.
‘Question number one. Should we be making a stop at a police station? Or a hospital?’
Carly shook her head.
‘Nothing happened against your will?’
She gathered herself up to speak. It wasn’t easy.
‘He stopped when I told him he had to stop. But then he just … He just … He totally turned on me.’
Teddy sighed, and pulled her close again. Carly let the tears flow. She could feel her teeth chattering, and couldn’t figure out why she should be colder now, all wrapped up in Teddy. Maybe it was because of the truth. Letting the truth back in.
Teddy held her at arms’ length again.
‘Let me tell you something about boys. It’s a subject I happen to know a thing or two about. Because I used to be one. In fact, there are those who’ll tell you I still am. So take it from a pro. A surprising number of boys are assholes. Not all. But a surprising number. Total assholes. Well, no. Not total. Assholes, but not complete assholes. This is the part I’m trying to tell you. They’re actually not trying to be assholes. They’re trying to figure out how to be men. And, let me tell you, it’s not as easy as it looks in the directions. And all the different ways that man thing gets modeled for them … well, that’s definitely not helping. I’m not trying to let them off the hook. I’m not saying it’s not their fault. Exactly. Because if it’s not their fault then whose fault would it be? I’m just saying they’re trying to figure out something tricky. How to be a man is a tricky thing to figure out on your own.’
Carly sniffled. She could barely see Teddy through the snowflakes that had gathered on her eyelashes. Carly had her mother’s thick eyelashes.
‘How old were you when you figured out how to be a man?’
‘When I get there, I’ll be sure to let you know. Now come on. I don’t have snow tires, or chains, or four-wheel drive. I’m in a low-clearance vehicle here. And it’s really coming down. We need to get out of here while we still can.’
‘I don’t like this,’ Teddy said. ‘I don’t like this one bit.’
He maneuvered the car around a series of tight turns, at about five miles per hour. Every now and then the rear tires fish-tailed dangerously on the icy road. It made Carly lose her stomach, like a sharp drop on a roller coaster.
‘I can’t really touch the gas or the brake. Or it tries to spin out. And it’s steep here. I’m putting it in low.’
Teddy shifted the automatic transmission, and Carly heard and felt the deep thrum of the engine.
‘We’ll be down soon,’ she said.
Somehow she knew, or at least felt with all her being, that in a minute they’d return to a reasonable altitude. To something like the world she’d always known. Then this nightmare would be over. Unfortunately, that reminded her there might be other nightmares. Waiting.
‘What was going on when I called, Teddy?’
‘Oh, God,’ he said.
Then, for an extended and difficult moment, she thought he might not be willing to say more.
‘You know,’ he said at last, ‘I was about to offer to go find this guy and beat the crap out of him for you. If that would help your situation. I don’t mind doing the ninety days or whatever the law would give me. I’d be happy to. Except it wouldn’t help your situation, and we both know it. Word would get around, and then no boy in the whole school – hell, the whole town – would ever come near you again.’
‘Why are you changing the subject?’
‘I’m not. I’m trying to tell you, Carly. I was just thinking … you know … the part I just said. And then it hit me that you really don’t have a problem at all. I mean, not an ongoing one. Because you’re never going to see that guy again. Because your mom is home packing you guys up to go. She’s not only moving to another town, she’s talking about another state entirely. I think she said New Mexico.’
Carly waited for some emotional reaction from herself, but all was still and calm inside. Probably because she didn’t believe a word she was hearing.
‘New Mexico?’
‘I think it might have something to do with that guy.’
‘What guy?’
‘You can drop the act, Carly. I’ve known for a long time.’
‘Wade.’
‘Yeah. That guy.’
‘She’ll change her mind.’
‘Not this time.’
‘She always changes her mind.’
‘Not this time, Carly. This is a whole different ball-game.’
‘What happened while I was gone?’
The back wheels spun with an alarming whirring sound, and took on a life of their own, drifting close to the edge of the road. And the path of the headlights illuminated what lay beyond that edge. Not much. Just a long way down.
‘Shit,’ Teddy said, and took his foot off the gas.
Carly instinctively braced her hands against the dashboard. The car stopped sliding with maybe a foot to spare.
‘I better concentrate on what I’m doing,’ he said.
They navigated the twisty mountain road in silence for several minutes.
The car didn’t slide again. The snow was letting up some. It was thinner hitting the windshield, and there was a thinner build-up on the road in front of the headlights.
They were coming down into the valley.
‘Now there’s a shocker,’ Teddy said calmly. ‘I can’t imagine how anyone could’ve seen that coming.’
‘You think my mom knew there wouldn’t be?’
‘I think it crossed her mind.’
Silence. Until the road looked familiar again.
‘Just one more thing I wanted to say,’ Teddy said, startling her. ‘I think you know better than to believe everything you hear about me. About anybody. Right?’
She waited to see where he was going with that thought. He didn’t say more.
‘That’s it?’
‘Yup. That’s it. Just don’t believe everything you hear. Just promise me you won’t believe everything that’s said about me. That’s all I’m asking, Carly. Seems like a small price to pay for the ride.’
Teddy pulled up in front of the house and shifted into park. He didn’t pull into the driveway. He didn’t turn off the engine.
‘Do me a favor,’ he said. ‘Do us both a favor. Do the whole world a favor. Jump out quick before she sees me. And don’t tell her I brought you home. Tell her one of the guys drove you down, or that everybody came back early.’
Carly just stared at him. None of this seemed willing to click into place.
‘You’re not coming in?’
‘No,’ Teddy said, as much an expelled breath, a rueful laugh, as a word.
‘When will I see you?’
‘Well, that’s a problem.’
‘You’re never coming in the house again?’
‘When your mom moves you all out … rent’s paid till the end of the month.’
‘I’m not going. I want to stay with you.’
‘That’s not an option, Carly. That’s never going to happen. She’d never allow it. No way in hell. Besides, I can barely look after myself right now.’
Carly felt the tears, pressing again. She pushed back. Hard.
‘So I just never see you again?’
‘When you get settled, call me on my cell and let me know where you are. That way I can let you know when I find a place to live. But don’t let her find out we’re in touch or there’ll be hell to pay. Now hop out. Quick, Carly. There’s going to be trouble if she looks out that window.’
‘It couldn’t possibly be as bad as you’re making it out to be.’
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