by Cassy Roop
Curled into the fetal position on my bed, my heart and body reminded me constantly of the damage I had caused. I ached all over. The physical pain of what I had to do to the people I loved was more than just heartache, it was an all-consuming pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’d never forget the look on Dominic’s face when I told the police that he had paid me for sex. It wasn’t his disappointment or his anger that gutted me the most; it was the hurt that was written all over him. I had spent so much time trying to tear down his walls, only to have him build them back up again possibly even stronger than before. He had fallen in love for the first time in his life, and all I did was destroy him and proved to him that love truly wasn’t worth it.
Kelly hadn’t said a word to me since we fought the night before, after the club was shut down. I let her scream and vent every hateful emotion she was feeling towards me. I didn’t blame her one bit because I am sure I was feeling much worse about myself than what she was expressing. I hugged my knees into my chest harder as I recalled the words she said to me last night.
“How could you do this, Ashley? What the hell is wrong with you? You know it isn’t true!”
“I finally found a guy who I could actually see myself being with and you rip him away from me by having him arrested?”
“I thought you were my best friend? I thought you were like a sister to me. Please, Ashley, I am begging you! Stop this insane accusation!”
I forced myself to stop thinking about all the words she threw at me as the tears were forcefully falling from my eyes. They were already red and swollen from nearly twenty-four hours of unrelenting crying. Being forced to hurt people I loved made me angry. I indignantly wiped the tears off of my cheeks as I tried to sit up in the bed. The heavy weight that constantly pulled down on me made it difficult, but after a few attempts, I finally made my way to a seated position. I placed my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands, as I once again had to try to stop the tears that were in constant supply. I would be shocked if my body was not severely dehydrated from the loss of liquid that gushed constantly from my eyes.
There was a soft knock on my bedroom door, and I turned around to see Kelly standing in my doorway. I couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her the truth of why I lied and that the men we loved were in jail because I was trying to protect them all from a sadistic son-of-a-bitch who had threatened to kill them if I didn’t. I turned back around to look out the window in my room and watched as life passed by outside, but inside my life and heart were in a standstill.
“Ashley, can we talk?” Kelly asked softly and I could hear her trying to hold in her sniffles.
“Why would you want to talk to me?” I remarked as unaffected as I could make my voice sound.
I felt the other side of the bed dip as Kelly sat down. The creaking of the frame and springs were the only sounds in the room to be heard other than our breathing. We sat there with our backs facing each other for several silent moments before I felt the bed dip even more and her hand clamped over mine.
“Ashley, whatever it is you are going through, you don’t have to go through it alone. I saw how you looked at Dominic, and I know for a fact you are in love with him. I know you didn’t do it on purpose just to hurt him and Knox. Something else is going on.”
My lip quivered as I fought harder than I ever had in my life to hold my emotions in. Kelly’s safety was just as important to me as Dominic and Knox’s, so I had to do everything I could to keep the charade going.
“Nothing is going on, Kelly. I did what I did to teach guys like Dominic and Knox a lesson that they cannot just play with women’s emotions and then dump them. Now, they know how it feels,” I lied.
“That is bullshit and you know it, Ashley. There is something you aren’t telling me and I swear to God, I will find out what it is. Even though I am pissed off beyond all reason at you right now, I still love you and I am not going to let you destroy your life and mine because you are in some sort of trouble and won’t let anyone help you.”
Kelly got up from the bed and walked over to the door to my bedroom, but turned around before she exited.
“I love you, Ashley. Just...just remember that,” and then she left. Before I even had a chance to start crying all over again, my phone chirped from the table next to my bed. With a tentative hand, I picked it up and swiped the screen to see the text awaiting me.
Asher: Good girl.
What??
My head snapped up and I looked out of my bedroom window. I couldn’t see his actual face due to the glare of the sun, but I knew it was Asher staring back at me. We both stared for what seemed like a million seconds, neither one of us willing to back down before he finally shoved his hands into his pockets and walked away. I picked up the vase from the table next to my bed and threw it against the wall, and I watched as each shattered piece of glass fell to the floor as if it were my own heart breaking before my eyes.
It was misery in the purest form. I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs until my voice gave out and I could no longer speak, so I wouldn’t have to continue to say words that hurt the people I held close to me. It all felt like a sick dream.
How could this happen to me?
The nightmare was so torturous that I could barely stand it. Would I ever heal from it?
The pungent staleness of the courtroom was the first thing I noticed as Russell led me to the bench where I would sit and wait to hear my bond. The second thing I saw was Knox on the other side of the room wearing the same bright orange state issued jumpsuit and shackles on his hands and feet. His head was bowed as he sat and stared at the floor. Anger rose up again not only for me, but for a man who had been with me through thick and thin, only to have to fall with me as well.
Victoria sat a few rows behind Knox, and I was grateful for her support. I knew she was the one who would post our bail for us and that she had to be here, but I was still thankful all the same. She had helped me out so much over the years opening numerous clubs and finally settling in Chicago with us after a jealous ex-boyfriend threatened to harm her in Reno.
I took small tentative steps towards the front of the courtroom, mostly due to the limited motion of my legs from the shackles, but also at the nervousness I felt about the situation. The sound of the chains echoed through the stark silent courtroom with each step and Knox lifted his head to look at where I was coming down the aisle. He gave me a curt nod before he clasped his hands together and began to twiddle his thumbs back and forth, fighting the same nervousness that I was feeling.
What if we were denied bail? What if I never got to find out the reasons why Ashley lied and it landed Knox and me both in jail? All of the questions revolved in my brain as I finally reached the front of the room and sat on the hard cold bench of wood. Even though the wood was cold and hard, it was still softer than the bed back at my cell, and I welcomed the comforting change.
Toby made his way into the courtroom and took a seat at the table in front of me before glancing back to give me a reassuring look and motioned for Knox to join me on the bench.
“All rise for the Honorable Judge Hudson,” the bailiff called out into the room and everyone made their way to a standing position. The judge adorned in the standard black robe made his way behind his bench.
“You may be seated,” his raspy voice called out to the room.
“Mr. Michaels and Mr. Tanner, you are being charged with operating a business under false pretenses and prostitution. The prosecutor has recommended that you remain incarcerated. Mr. Johnson, what do you have to say on behalf of your clients?”
Toby stood to address the judge and all I could think about was how the prosecutor wanted Knox and me to remain in jail. None of this made sense. Prostitution charges, even though they were completely untrue on our part, were not a serious enough offense to not allow bail and to keep someone locked up. My mind began to wonder about the entire situation in general and how all the pieces didn’t add up as Toby pled our c
ase to the judge.
“My clients have not committed violent crimes, Your Honor. In fact, they haven’t committed any crimes at all and you will see that after the investigation. They are not flight risks and are upstanding citizens with merely a traffic violation or two between them. That certainly doesn’t constitute the continuance of their incarceration.”
“Duly noted, Mr. Johnson. Under the circumstances, I must say that I agree with you and am posting bail at one hundred thousand per defendant. The Celtic Knot is to remain closed pending the investigation and trial. Dismissed,” the judge said as he slammed the gavel down onto the bench. The sound echoed through the silence of the courtroom, and I exhaled a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I turned around to look back at Victoria, and she nodded in understanding before she slung her purse over her shoulder and ran in search of where to make the payment to post our bail.
I hadn’t talked to Knox since we were taken away in handcuffs the night before. He hadn’t said anything to me, only sat next to me as his leg bounced up and down with rapid, nervous speed.
“You ok?” I asked him. He continued to bounce his leg as he rubbed at the cuffs on his wrists.
“I just don’t understand, Nic. Why would she do this to us? It was completely unexpected and out of character for Ashley. Something doesn’t add up. Call it intuition if you want, but I don’t think she did it on purpose.”
I sat silent next to my friend for several moments before I opened my mouth to speak to him. I tried to hide the emotions in my voice as much as possible.
“Well, regardless of why she did it, she still did. Maybe if she was honest with us about what is or was going on, we could have stopped this. Instead, I had to make the biggest mistake of my life by falling in love with a woman...her. Fuck, why was I so stupid?” I gritted out.
“Nic, don’t beat yourself up over this. I don’t think Ashley did this because she wanted to hurt us.”
“Well you know what, Knox? She fucking did. She hurt, gutted, and left me feeling void all the way down into my bones. She has ripped me in fucking two. I...fuck...I don’t know.” I said as I leaned down and rested my forehead on my fists. My heart ached with so much pent up anger and frustration, but most of all it hurt so much, I felt like I was trying to explode from the inside out. Ashley had turned me inside out so that my most vulnerable thing was exposed and at the first chance she got, she drove a stake right into it.
“I think we should try to find out why she did this, Nic. We cannot leave it up to the police to investigate. Something about the cops on the case has me feeling guarded. Especially Russell. I have this vibe that he is out to get us.”
I couldn’t have agreed with him more. Russell’s attitude, actions, and demeanor all told me that he couldn’t wait to lock us up and throw away the key. There was seriously something fucked up happening and I would make it my mission to find out just what.
Russell smugly walked over and stood over where Knox and I remained seated. He loomed over us with authority, trying to intimidate as he looked down on us with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Time to go, boys,” he said with a shit-eating grin. Why it pleased him so much to think he had authority over us, I would never understand. When this was all over, I would finally find out what the fuck was going on and I would make sure that asshole lost his job for his involvement in the situation. I had no doubt in my mind that he was.
“Wait!” Victoria’s voice echoed off the walls in the courtroom as she came running down the aisle towards us.
“Uncuff them, officer, they have posted bail,” she said sternly as she waved two yellow pieces of paper under his nose. Russell let out a frustrated harrumph as he reluctantly removed the handcuffs from Knox’s wrists and mine. Once all of our restraints were removed, he gave us one last go to hell look before storming out of the courtroom.
“Thanks, Vic,” Knox said as he rubbed at the red marks that now marred his wrists.
“I’ve got a change of clothes for both of you in the car, let me go get them and we can get out of here.
It felt good to wake up in my own bed the next morning; I thought to myself as I rose up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. What didn’t feel good was the lack of sleep I got and the lucid dreams that my subconscious determined that I needed to have about Ashley. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw hers looking back at me, taunting me in my sleep over what we had and lost. As I sat in bed, I thought back to Knox’s comment yesterday about how he thinks that Ashley didn’t say that we were running a prostitution ring on purpose. Could it be possible that there was a good reason behind what she did, or was it because she just wanted money or something else?
I was brought out of my thoughts as I heard a noise come from the other room. Since I live alone and I don’t have a dog, it only meant one thing, someone was in my apartment. Reaching under the bed, I grabbed my Rugger three fifty seven and cocked it in place. Slowly, I pulled the covers off of my legs and rose from the bed as softly as I could, trying not to make a noise. With tentative steps, I crept down the hallway from my bedroom with my back facing the wall so that I could see behind and in front of me. I pointed the gun out in front of me as I stepped into the living room searching for the intruder. The room was empty, but then a bang followed by a curse sounded from the kitchen and I crept towards it with nervous steps.
“Gotcha, you fucker!” I yelled as I dashed around the corner and pointed a gun at the intruder.
“Jesus Christ!” Knox yelled as the coffee bag that he was holding slipped from his hands and spilled out onto the floor.
“What the fuck, Knox?” I berated him as my hands still slightly trembled from the nervousness I felt. “What are you doing here?”
“I spent the night on your couch because I was afraid that you might go off and actually do something stupid, Nic. We need to keep level heads about this situation or it could turn out really bad,” Knox said as he tried scooping up the coffee grounds from the floor. His statement was passé, like he stayed the night over at my place all the time. Which he did not.
When I felt like my heart rate had returned to normal and my breathing not at a hyperventilating pace, I soaked in the words of his statement. Just what stupid things did he think I would do?
“Like going off to confront Ashley, you dickhead,” he said when he saw the cogs turning in my brain. Knox knew me well, too well in fact. Sometimes, I think he knew me better than I knew myself.
Truth was, I had thought about confronting Ashley. I wanted to know what drove her to tell lies, about not only me, but Knox and the club as well. But the biggest question of all had to be, why? Why did she do it? How could she take something like what was happening between us and stomp it all to shit?
“That, right there, is the reason I stayed, man. That look on your face. Even now, you are thinking about going to her. Listen, you can’t, not yet at least. I want to know just as badly as you do why she did what she did, but we have to be smart about it. If she was out to gain something from it, she could use our confrontation against us. If she…” he trailed off as if he had a sudden realization.
“If she what?” I asked impatiently. The more I thought about Ashley, the deeper I started to sink back into the black hole that I felt inside. Fuck, I need a distraction, and since I didn’t have the club to go to, my normal diversion to fuck hard was not an option.
“Have you thought about the possibility that maybe someone forced her to do it, Nic?”
I pondered his question briefly, it was possible, but if that were the case, she could have come to me and I would have helped her. She didn’t have to crush my world and my heart at the same time.
“Why are you giving her the benefit of the doubt, Knox? Are you forgetting that your ass was thrown in jail right along with mine? Are you forgetting that both of our reputations are on the line over this shit? I mean...fuck!” I said heatedly as I pulled on my hair at the temples. The sting of pain did nothing to diminish what I was feelin
g. I looked down and realized that I was still in nothing but my boxers after waking to find Knox this morning. I stormed off toward my room, even more pissed off than I was when I woke up. Why was he defending her? As I threw on some clothes, I didn’t know who I was more pissed off at, Ashley, my best friend, or myself.
My face felt like it had been hit with a baseball bat. I was so stopped up that I had to breathe through my mouth the entire night, which caused the awful taste I now had in it. I smacked my lips trying to create moisture to lubricate the desert that had formed in my mouth. Karma is definitely against me because if it weren’t bad enough that my heart and soul were broken, I was now sick on top of it. Trying to muster up all the strength I could, I rose from bed to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth to try and get the awful taste out of my mouth. I fell into the doorframe on my path to the bathroom from my equilibrium being off balance and I would probably have a nasty bruise tomorrow from the impact with my shoulder.
I groaned as I looked in the mirror at my appearance. The woman staring back at me had dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes, a puffy face, and matted hair from lying in bed the whole day prior. My usual illuminated skin had lost its shine and now looked dull and lifeless. I hadn’t eaten much in the last several days and my stomach grumbled in angry protest. Reaching for some toilet paper, I blew my nose to try and relieve some of the pressure that made my head feel fuzzy.