After all, if these things had a stomach at all like other animals, there were really only two ways out. It was either down the tubes or back up the way we came.
“Frank,” Gabriela said as she looked up at me, “there isn’t much time. You’d best–”
“Yeah, yeah, I get the idea. How the fuck do I get myself in these situations?” I interrupted as I dropped to my knees, expressing my displeasure with my gruff tone.
Before my companions could answer, the diammal’s digestive system leapt into action. A furious vibration rattled my teeth as facets opened up along the chamber’s surfaces. I barely managed to pinch my nose and take a deep breath as clear, oily fluid gushed from those small gaps.
For humans, the process of throwing up is pretty damned nasty. All sorts of stomach-churning sights, smells, and feelings ranked it just below “Violent Stabbing” but well above “Chapped Lips” on the Frank Butcher “Top Ten Most Unpleasant Bodily Experiences” chart.
Now, it was a totally different deal with diammals, even from the inside. It was more like riding a really angular and oily water slide at a theme park. I mean, it wasn’t pleasant and was a bit rough.
Whatever bodily fluids I was being drenched in didn’t feel great either. In fact, it sort of felt a lot like being dunked in bleach without being nearly as hazardous to my health. Still, in comparison to what could have happened, being forcefully ejected in total darkness out onto a stone-slab floor wasn’t half bad.
As I got the fluid out of my eyes, I realized it wasn’t quite as dark as I’d thought it’d be. The air was suffused by the same faint glow I had seen looking out the castle window earlier. There was enough light for me to see a crystalline ceiling about ten feet above us. We definitely weren’t in another part of the diammal, that was for sure.
My skin tingled from our bath as I started to pick myself up. While the air was crisp and cool, it wasn’t the deathly chill of Structured’s great outdoors either. Our trusty steed loomed behind us (though maybe we should come up with a new word for this particular, uh, riding arrangement).
It was an immense crystal beast and its bulk pretty much filled up the entire empty space of the chamber. Only faint glimmers of light were visible behind it, probably whatever was keeping the bad shit outside from getting in here.
The walls of the chamber we had unceremoniously been deposited within matched the same stone construction of the floors. Simple tiles of solid rock that definitely wasn’t from around these parts. Probably the same stuff as the castle I had toppled, and I half wanted to call upon la Corazon and take a look. If I was a betting man, I’d have bet it was woven with ten shades of magic to keep it in one piece.
For the Whites, the place was unusually plain, with not an engraving or tapestry in sight. Ahead of us though, I caught a glimpse of what had to be the portal back home.
To my dismay, it didn’t resemble the thing from Stargate at all. Look, I’ve got a talent for talking and even I’m having a hard time putting this thing into words.
The portal was, I guess, like seeing a thousand-million little televisions all going at once, each one a razor thin slice of a screen. Each one of those flickering images I knew instinctively to be a glimpse of some place on Earth (or our universe), from offices to fast food restaurants to the void of deep space. Oh, and each of those slices of space was constantly shuffling and shifting in position and order. It was an utterly chaotic mess of space time doing the Macarena, and truth be told, it hurt my little mind to stare it, but stare was all I could do.
Two hands grabbed my shoulders, one soft and warm and the other big and lumpy, before those hands turned me abruptly around. The mesmerizing spell of the portal broke, and I shook my head like a drunk trying to shake off a hangover.
“Frank, I’m so sorry,” Gabriela shouted, something I finally noticed would be necessary over the white noise the portal put out. “I should have warned you not to look directly at it.”
“Does your mind continue to function?” Ah, Abner, so bluntly clinical. “If it does not, be not ashamed. Mortals with stronger minds than you have had their brains destroyed by gazing into the vastness of the universe.” Maybe Play-Doh had some cracks of craziness in that lump of clay he called a brain. I mean, how would I answer if my brain had turned to jelly?
“No, I’m cool.” I rubbed my eyes until they were raw. “That’s some wicked picture-in-picture shit you wizards have.”
Big Red nodded slowly. “A suitably homely way to put it, Frank Butcher.” He swept his gaze between the two of us, his thick brow furrowed into a lump. “Doctor, please prepare the Bearer for what is about to happen. I must attend to our friend and send him back on his way.” He had the air of somebody in charge. He expected his command to be done. It wasn’t quite overbearing, but you’d have to be a total idiot not to catch it.
The doc gave him a nod before he turned and plodded toward the diammal, which combined with the blaring noise of the portal, gave us a shred of privacy. Gabby leaned close, barely raising her voice enough to be heard over the static. “So how are we going to do this, Frank?”
“Well, let’s start with how this is going to go down.” I thumbed at the portal behind me. “I can’t figure out exactly what to do without knowing what to fuck with.”
“First off, it’s safe to look in the direction of the portal, but not directly at it.” To provide some assurance of that, Gabriela did exactly that, turning at my side but keeping her eyes low instead of straight. “We’ll enter the portal by walking into it, simple stuff. I would suggest closing your eyes at the last moment.” I turned and mimed her stance as she continued. “Not only is it a bit unsafe to stare into infinity, it will help reduce the general nausea and disorientation being ripped across the dimensional barriers tends to cause.”
Though the portal’s flickering lights kept drawing my eyes toward it, I kept my neck locked. The whole situation started to make a little more sense now that I wasn’t being engulfed by the vastness of all space.
At the base of the portal, arranged along a circular pattern, were five obsidian plinths that came up to my knee. Etched into the stone floor was the only carving to be seen in the chamber, marking out a circle at the perimeter with lines forming a pentagram between the plinths. There were all sorts of other mystical sigils and runes and assorted bullshit along those lines, but they were Greek to me.
“Those little column things, that’s the stuff that keeps the portal focused?” I asked, tilting my head towards the nearest one. I could hear Abner in the background. It sounded like he was making some kind of soothing sounds in the general direction of the monstrous diamond thing.
“Yes, the markers and the carvings interact as a combination protective and controlling circle,” she noted. “Damaging either would cause the portal to start acting erratically, but the markers are our best bet.” She flicked a finger subtly at the base of the one I was looking at. “The stones are set into place, no mortar or the like to keep it solid.” I gave her an incredulous look. The idea they wouldn’t make something so important actually, you know –sturdy– was fucking ridiculous, but she gave a little shrug. “I’m not an expert on dimensional translocation, Frank. I can only guess it has something to do with the ritual magic involved. They can have very finicky requirements, especially as they grow in power and scope.”
“Well, their fuck-up is our salvation.” I rubbed my eyes one more time, wincing at the burn. “Simple enough plan here. We’ll try to go together, and I’ll shoot or kick over a rock before we jump. We’ll avoid Abner’s rabbi and the big guy won’t be able to track us immediately … assuming we’re not blasted across the universe in the process.” To be sure, I patted at my waist, feeling the comforting weight of the Beretta tucked into my pants. There might have been only three bullets left, but that would do.
Gabriela frowned, her brow wrinkling. “That won’t exactly work, at least not so simply.” She glanced behind us, no doubt to keep an eye on Abner. “It’s incredibly
dangerous for two people to enter a portal like this at the same time.” She tapped her lip. “Think of it like a Star Trek transporter accident kind of thing. The warping of time-space could merge two beings into a mass of flesh, bone, and twisted–”
I put a hand over her mouth as my overactive imagination got revved up. I didn’t need to get sick before we did this. “I’ve got the gist.” I pulled my hand away and frowned. “Sorry about that.”
Gabriela only looked offended for a moment before nodding with a smile. “It’s all right. I didn’t think it would get to you so much after all we’ve already been through.”
I flashed her a smirk. “We’ve all got our particular little triggers, ya know?” I nodded my impressive chin at the rocks again. “So we simply change things up.” I glanced at her. “You go first when the time comes. Keep cool and don’t look back, okay? I’ll take care of everything.”
Gabby replied with a glower. “Frank, what the hell are you thinking of doing now?”
“Trust me, okay?” I gave her a hopefully comforting thumbs-up. “Frank Butcher isn’t planning on checking out today.”
She only had the chance to shake her head in exasperation at me as Abner’s heavy footfalls echoed over the blaring noise surrounding us. Good, I was about done with being here. This shit was giving me a serious headache. Besides, I was eager to find out if this plan would really work.
Oh, I was pretty sure Gabriela would get away clean. See, Abner knew he had someone on the other end, so it was safe to send us on ahead before him. On top of that, he was going to make sure we were both through before he came along, just in case one of us (he’d be thinking about me, the troublesome little scamp that I am) made trouble or did something stupid. The golem might be a bit on the edge, but he was sharp. I had to grant him that and a bit of grudging respect. Dude had his shit together.
Too bad I couldn’t trust the asshole.
“Are you both prepared?” Abner bellowed, although I wasn’t sure why he felt the need to sound so angry.
I gave Gabriela a reassuring nod, not that she needed it, and she called back, “Right. Frank knows what to do.” She looked in the vague direction of the portal. “Are you going first so your creator knows to expect us?” I knew it wasn’t going to work, and so did Gabby most likely, but I can’t blame her for trying.
“He is already expecting you both.” Clayface pointed onward with a blocky finger. “In case there are difficulties, I shall take up the rear. Please go on ahead.” Maybe it was my own paranoia at this point (justified in my opinion; none of these wizard types other than Gabriela had been honest so far), but there was a smidge of a threat in his tone.
“Frank?” she said with a look toward me. Had to give the doc props for playing to the drama of the situation.
“Go on, Doc,” I nodded. “I’ll be right behind you.” I’d have to use the gun. I had a feeling that Abner would get clued in if I lingered too close to one of the plinths as Gabriela went through. My palms itched as she began to walk towards the edge of the circle—I’d have to time it precisely. Too early and Abner had a shot at stopping us. Too late and Gabriela would wind up right in the lap of whoever the golem’s rabbi-in-chief was.
Gabriela bravely stepped forward, stopping right at the edge of the protective circle to give a final glance back. In response, I gave her a wink and a nod.
Things moved awfully fast after that. Gabby took another step forward and her form started to waver. My instincts twitched hard, and I knew it was time. Taking a preemptive step to one side, I drew down on the innocent piece of stone. I had only three bullets, and I really didn’t know how unstable this thing was, so I decided to be sure and let loose two 9mm slugs.
Abner let out a strangled cry, caught in the Tri-State area of Shock, Fear, and Anger, but I ignored him. The plinth rocked on its edge and the whole portal rippled as if someone had slipped the fabric of space-time a dose of acid right as Gabriela winked out of existence through it. There was no way to be sure if it had entirely worked, and I hoped to hell it did as the plinth settled back into place. As it did, the portal snapped back to its original, freakish cacophony of noise and images.
“What did you do, you fool?” That incoherent shout crystallized into utter shock as Abner barreled forward. His big arms were coming up, and I didn’t think it was to give me a happy hug.
Needless to say, I didn’t have a moment’s hesitation about running for the portal. While I knew I was way faster than old Tons of Fun on most days, I had also seen just how terrifyingly fast he could get when he was pissed off, and I had a feeling I was pushing all his buttons. There would be no time to aim at a plinth, so I rolled the dice by kicking one of the things on my way.
The thing toppled over as I almost definitely broke my big toe. See, this is why I prefer combat boots instead of the soft leather things I had swiped from the plague doctor. I turned into the portal and clamped my eyes shut. The thing had started turning all sorts of crazy colors, quite a bit different from what I had seen when Gabby went through, but I was too far along to chicken out now.
I only had time to give Abner the middle finger as I dove in. My stomach instantly started to churn and spin as my inner ear had a total freak out. Even through my eyelids, my brain was assaulted by a motley assault of garish colors and bright light. Oh yeah, barfing was definitely going to be in order when I got out of here.
That was my last thought as an overwhelming clap of thunder (or the interdimensional equivalent) shattered my thoughts, and I was spit out somewhere … else.
10
From the gymnastics my gut was doing and the piercing spike of pain in my skull, part of me wondered if I didn’t get sucked into a black hole or had my atoms scattered across the universe.
Now I’d been through a couple of magic portal doohickeys already so I know how that was supposed to feel. It hadn’t felt good before, warping space and shit plays havoc with the brain’s sense of where the hell it is, but this was a whole new level of bullshit. Basically, it was par for the course with how things had gone ever since I’d gotten into the world saving business.
I kept my eyes screwed shut to make it just a little less horrible, up to the point where the sensations smoothed out into the strange serenity of free fall. I opened my eyes right before I splatted back first into an open dumpster. At least it was a full dumpster. I mean, that’s a mixed blessing, but I’ll take smelling like day-old scraps from a chicken shack over a broken back any day of the week. The piles of garbage bags strained and burst under my weight, coating me with all manner of rancid sludge. Another happy landing, as Obi-Wan would say.
That happiness lasted about three seconds before I felt the need to flail madly for the lip of the dumpster. Grasping hold, I barely managed to pull myself halfway up and out before my stomach engaged in full-on rebellion, throwing up every last bit I had in me. It wasn’t much.
I was only now starting to realize how fucking hungry I was, like four-fried-chickens-and-a-coke hungry. The only plus side to that is it didn’t take me long to conclude my “business” as it was, leaving me feeling wrung out and leaning over the edge of said dumpster, shirt plastered to my skin by three-day-old mayonnaise and stale beer.
Time might have been of the essence, but every man has his limits. I was butting right up against mine, so I pulled myself out of the dumpster, trying not to step in my own puke, and leaned against the alley wall. I deserved a few minutes to chill the fuck out because any guy who could shake off landing in a dumpster after falling from who knows where was way more of a bad ass than I was. That’s for damned sure.
As I struggled to calm my back-flipping insides, I took it as a sign of supreme luck I could recognize everything, at least on a basic level. That was a dumpster, a normal Earth dumpster, and this was certainly an alley in the slums of a large city. I could even pick out where the homeless guy who lived in the appliance box stuffed at the back of the alley took his nightly piss.
The heady aroma of smog
, shitty food, trash, and urban decay delighted my nose with its utter mundanity, and my ears perked to the sounds of some asshole playing his recycled junk pop music way too fucking loud.
I didn’t know if I was home in terms of the exact place, but I was back on Earth and likely back in the good ole U. S. of A. That alone was cause for a little celebration.
Too bad I didn’t have my wallet, my cash, my keys, my cell phone, or anything useful besides my wits and experience. I guess whatever I had in my noggin would have to be enough.
By the creeping daylight, I figured it was a bit after noon and no one looked to be wanting to come down this particular shitty alley, so it was as good a time as any to take stock of my situation and resources. No point in panicking over where I was, if Gabriela had made out all right, or how I would get to Mom’s apartment until I knew what I had to work with, right?
Honestly, I had been in such a hurry to get my would-be surgeon’s robes and mask so I could get the fuck out of Torture Central I hadn’t checked the guy’s pockets or pouches or any of that shit. I gave myself a pat down as I brushed off some of the crumbs and trash I had gained from my dumpster dive. Between that and turning out my pockets, I wound up with more than I could have hoped for.
Naturally, I had the Beretta still with its one remaining bullet. I had clean forgotten about the scalpel I had pocketed off the surgeon’s table so I counted that to the plus side of my arsenal. More importantly, it turned out Dr. Plague had a wallet which I now possessed. Considering that guy was likely buried under several tons of rubble, I didn’t feel too bad for going through his wallet. Besides, he had been a sadistic bastard with stupid clothes.
The California driver’s license identified him as Jerry K. Restov. The picture was a typically shitty DMV shot, blurry enough I could probably fake it in a pinch if I was lucky. Old Jer had a bank card, an American Express (fancy!) card, and a couple of twenties. Between the cash and the cards, I could probably get to where I needed to go, even if I was clear across the country. More importantly, I could get some grub, maybe even some clothes.
Feet of Clay_An Urban Fantasy Novel Page 7