by Robyn Carr
She had always been very good at doing just as she was told. She closed her eyes, leaned into his lips and gently breathed. Ah, that was what she remembered. It was very, very nice. In her head she was already pressed against that rock-hard chest, wrapped around him like her grandmother’s shawl, but he didn’t embrace her. So she embraced him, though somewhat clumsily. It must be hard for him to imagine that this almost-forty-year-old woman who’d been married for sixteen years was pretty inexperienced in this…this kissing men she barely knew.
But she did know him. She knew him well. They’d become friends during those phone chats. It was just that she’d been focused on keeping him at a respectable and platonic distance because there were two things that were glaringly obvious to her. One, she could fall into him and devour him like a hot fudge sundae, and two, she was a little too vulnerable to be in that kind of relationship right now. It held the potential for people to get hurt.
He pulled back. “That’s more like it. You appear to be a little rusty.”
“You don’t,” she said a bit breathlessly.
“I’ve been thinking about it a long time,” he said with a shrug.
“Sam…”
“Me first. Are you dodging me, Clare?”
“No,” she said. “No, really. I’ve been…Well, you know.”
“No, I don’t. Level with me.”
She took a calming breath and said, “You’re sweet, Sam, and I like you. Who could help but like you? I appreciate that you’ve stayed in touch since the accident. And what you did today—well, much as I resisted, it was wonderful of you.”
“But…?”
“But any kind of relationship, with anyone, is way down on my ‘to do’ list. I have monumental things to accomplish, not the least of which is a divorce. I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m not ready.”
He pursed his lips and gave a sharp nod, as though he understood. “Fair enough, Clare. It’s been a rugged few months for you.”
“Thanks for understanding, Sam.”
“No problem. I’m not here to mess with your head. That first night I met you, the one thing I could see was that you were a woman who could think straight even under stress.” And finally he removed that hand, but not his eyes. And, she instantly missed the hand.
“Hah!” she laughed. “Me? I was speeding, remember? And a basket case at that!”
Unruffled he just chuckled under his breath and said, “Do you know how many people actually shoot each other in situations like you found yourself in? Believe me, a few tears, ten miles over the limit—it was downright stoic.”
“There was this ice bucket,” she said. “At the foot of the bed? I doused them both,” she admitted.
“Well good for you,” he said. “I like you, you know.”
“I like you, too,” she said. “But I’m not ready for more than that.”
“Okay then,” he said, taking her hand and leading her back to the car. “Take me home—I have things to get done today. Since I’m not having sex.”
“Yes, sir!” she said with a big laugh.
They didn’t talk during the ride home. She enjoyed the driving and he, apparently, enjoyed the scenery and his sound system, though he did reach over and put his hand on her thigh. Common sense told her she should tell him to remove it, but she happened to like it there. What the hell, she thought. I should have something to look forward to. A fling with a drop-dead gorgeous younger man wasn’t entirely out of the question. Was it?
Once they were back in her drive she left the car running as she unbuckled and got out. He crossed to the driver’s side and she thanked him again. As he was backing out he lowered the window and said, “Clare? Get to work on that ‘to do’ list, okay? I’ll be in touch.”
Right after that drive, Clare rented a car. She had always hated the whole process of shopping for and buying cars and she just wasn’t up to it. But one of the items in her “to do” list had to be taken care of right away, before the start of school. She had to see Pete, the football coach.
Jason didn’t play football; he liked to save himself for snowboarding and varsity football players weren’t allowed to ski during the season because of the risk of injury putting them off the team. Football practice started in early August, a month before the start of school. The team practiced all morning, every morning, and school would start in a few days. With nerves taut and heart hammering, she went to the field and watched what she judged to be nearly the end of their session.
Pete stood on the sidelines, his broad back moving with the force of his shouts, his raised hand and emphatic gestures. Every time she saw him over the years, she had quickly averted her eyes lest he see her, approach her, engage her. She hadn’t allowed herself the luxury of watching and remembering him. She never let herself think about how handsome he was. Once they had been so close, such good friends, bonded by her relationship to his older brother. Then once they had been too close.
He shouted at the boys and dismissed the team. He turned toward the bleachers to walk off the field and spotted her almost immediately. He glanced, then stared, then tentatively raised a hand in her direction. She returned the brief wave. Well, she wouldn’t have to chase him down or even find him in the parking lot as he prepared to leave. But she hadn’t thought it would be this easy.
While the team ran off the field and the managers were busy stuffing supplies into big canvas bags, he walked toward her. She didn’t think her heart could pound any harder, but it did. He leaned on the railing in front of the first row and said, “Hey. I’ve been wondering about you.”
“Hey, yourself. I heard you called Maggie. That was nice of you.”
“It made the paper—the accident. Jesus, Clare—that was an awful wreck.”
“I came through it pretty lucky. You have a couple of minutes? To talk?”
“Sure,” he said. But he stayed right there, the railing safely separating them and, with him standing on the ground and her sitting on the bleachers, he was looking up at her.
“I took a teaching job at this high school,” she said. “English. Sophomore English.”
His face brightened, no question about that. That gave her encouragement if not courage. So maybe he didn’t hate her so much anymore?
“Wow,” he said. “That’s great.”
“So—we’ll be running into each other.”
He smiled happily. “I wouldn’t mind that a bit.”
He was such a fine-looking man. Not like Roger, who was too handsome for his own good. But in so many ways Pete’s good looks appealed to her more. His light brown hair was cut so short it wouldn’t even need combing, and he had stayed fit—flat belly, strong shoulders and arms. Sweat stained his torn T-shirt and dirt and grass marked up his sweats, but he looked good like that. As though he’d been working hard. And there was rough stubble on his cheeks and chin—he hadn’t shaved before coming to practice. Rugged looking, that’s what he was. All man. She remembered. She shivered.
“Look, this is hard, but I want to talk about something. Something I know you don’t want to talk about.”
“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You know what it is. Nineteen years ago. We have to put that to rest.”
He ducked his head uncomfortably for a moment, then looked back at her. “I’m sorry, Clare. I’ve been meaning to say that for nineteen years. I’m sorry for what I did to you—it was entirely my fault.”
She was brought up short by that. “I…Ah…It’s just that, I thought I did it to you. Put you in that position of hurting your brother. I know how much you worshipped him.”
“You didn’t do it to me,” he said.
“Okay, maybe we were both at fault. And, I think, carrying around that guilt and pain all this time. I really want to let go of it now. I’ve been having trouble since it happened. Enough is enough.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Stop saying that, it was both of us.”
She took a breath. “Have you been struggling with the guilt, too?” she asked.
“Oh yeah,” he said, with a chuckle that did not come from being amused. “But I don’t think the same way as you. This isn’t going to get me any points, I’m pretty sure, but I didn’t have that much guilt over what I did to my brother. Some, sure, especially right after he died. I felt like a real slimeball, you know? But then he was gone and missing him was so much more real than feeling guilty about anything. The thing that worked on me for nineteen years was that it hurt you so much.”
“I’m still not sure how it all happened,” she said. He looked away briefly so she hurried on. “Wine, opportunity, loneliness—whatever.” Then more quietly. “I’m sorry, too.”
“There you go,” he said. “We’re both sorry.”
Something about that was odd. She didn’t understand. She said, “Every time I ran into you, you looked so damn uncomfortable, I thought you couldn’t stand to look at me.”
He looked totally shocked. “Me? No! No! I thought it was the other way around, that you hated me.”
“Oh, no, I never did, Pete. In fact, you don’t know how many times I thought if that hadn’t happened between us, we might have been so much help to each other when Mike died. As it was, we avoided each other like the plague.”
“Well, I doubt I’d have been much good to you…or anyone. I was pretty useless for a few years there. Later, though, when I got myself straightened out a little, I thought about you a lot, and how I never did anything to help you get through it. I hated myself for that, too. But honest to God, I thought if I even approached you, you’d freak out and snap. You…you seemed so hurt. So damaged by it. I knew I had to give you time. Space. And then—”
She waited for him to finish and when he didn’t, she prodded. “And then?”
“You got married.” He shrugged. “It made sense for me to keep my distance.”
“I’m getting a divorce now,” she said, and looked down as if she was ashamed of that, too.
“Oh damn, I’m so sorry! I went through that a few years ago. Me and Vickie—it was terrible.” He put his foot on the bleachers’ floor and hoisted himself up, leaping over the rail. Then he leaned back on it, facing her. “That’s tough, Clare.”
“Well, so it goes. This is for the best. So—you and Vickie now?”
“She remarried almost right away.” Then he laughed. “Seemed like it to me, anyway, but I guess it was over a year later. Okay,” he said, laughing again. “Two. Two years later. We do fine now. In fact, we’re better with the girls than we were when we were married. And get this—I actually sort of like the guy. But don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to seem soft.” And to that he added a large grin.
“That’s good to know. So there’s hope.”
“Can I ask you something personal?”
“Sure, why not? I can always blush and run.”
“You were never the blush-and-run type. It’s just…Is there…Do you…Well, do you have someone else in your life?”
“Like a man?” she asked, astonished.
“Yeah, because that would mean you’re leaving one relationship for another one and if you’re doing that—”
She cut him off with her laughter. Suddenly it seemed so funny, after all the years of Roger fooling around, the very idea that anyone would come along and lure her away from her vows seemed ludicrous. What was even stranger was that she hadn’t had an affair. Why hadn’t she? “No,” she finally said. “No, there was never anyone else for me. He had all the someone elses. So I left him.” And then there was that little thing about how she’d been unfaithful once and that was so awful, she wasn’t about to do it again.
“Oh,” Pete said, somewhat taken aback. “I hadn’t expected you to say that.”
“Why not? It’s not like it doesn’t happen.”
“Yeah, I know—but it shouldn’t happen to you. He must be nuts.”
“Thanks. I think.”
He just looked at her for a long moment, a sentimental smile on his face. Finally he said, “I guess if we’re both teaching here and you aren’t in a relationship, it wouldn’t be inappropriate for us to be friends.”
“No, I guess it wouldn’t.” We used to be such good friends, she thought. Way back when they had classes together, when he was on the football team and she was a cheerleader, when they hung with the same crowd during her last two years of high school while Mike was in college. And though she hadn’t seen much of Pete after moving to Reno, she still thought of him as a friend. It hadn’t occurred to her until now just how much she missed that. “You know what? It was stupid for us to not be friends for so many years. If I hadn’t been so ashamed and guilt-ridden, I could have gotten a lot of comfort from your family. And given it.”
“Mom still asks about you. You were always her favorite.”
“Tell her I send love, will you? And yeah, we should be friends.” She stood up.
“I think Mike would have wanted that. Well, he’d have wanted to kill me at the time, but now, being dead and all, I think he’d be okay with it.”
That startled a laugh out of her. “Pete!”
“What? I’m serious.” Then he grinned again and this was what she remembered, that he had a light heart, that he was so much fun.
“That’s something. Are you able to do that—joke about Mike?”
“Oh yeah, we all do. It gets you through, you know? We miss him, we always will, but most of the pain of it is gone. My mom said, ‘Mike isn’t hurting and we should let that part go as soon as we can and hang on to the good stuff, the fun stuff.’ She’s just amazing.”
I miss her, Clare thought. “So, I’ll see you around campus?”
“Looking forward to it.”
She grabbed her purse and began to walk down the bleachers to the stairs. “Clare,” he called out to her. She turned and he asked, “Why did you think I wouldn’t want to talk about it?”
“Why? That note. ‘It never happened. We’ll never talk about it.’”
“Oh, that. That wasn’t for me. You cried all night. I felt like a monster.”
“God. We put ourselves through so much,” she said. “What a sad pair.”
But he said, “Thank you for doing this. I always wanted to and didn’t have the guts.”
She just smiled at him and waved him off like it was no big deal, but inside she was remembering that it was her who couldn’t face him, or let go of the hurtful parts of the past.
She drove home feeling fifty pounds lighter. She felt good down to the soles of her shoes.
But then later, alone in the house, right in the middle of laying out lesson plans on the dining room table, she was suddenly in tears. Racked with sobs and feeling a sense of loss more profound than she had in many years. All that time they hadn’t talked, hadn’t worked through their issues. God, she thought, it was one night! And neither of us meant to hurt anyone! We should have forgiven ourselves and each other so long ago. Gotten back the bond we’d once had.
So now, she thought, it’s going to be okay. She dried her tears and embraced that invigorating feeling of starting over. With old and treasured friends.
Five
Clare was awash in paperwork. It was the one thing that appeared to have increased tenfold since she had entered the teaching program eighteen years ago. It seemed there was a report to file for every phase of her program and for every student. She learned of all this in the week that preceded the first day of school; there were five days of training, one of which she missed for the doctor’s appointment that deemed her physically fit to work. Two of the training days were dedicated to the new teachers. There were twenty-five of them in the district, a number that astonished her. And twenty-four appeared to be twenty-two years old. It seemed that Clare and the head of the English Department were the only two over thirty.
There was one young woman in the back of the room who attracted Clare’s attention by the sheer tension she seemed to radiate. She was a tiny thing,
probably a size two, and her clothes were a little too big, as if she’d recently lost weight. It was impossible to picture her holding off a class of strapping fifteen-year-old boys. Or girls, for that matter. Some maternal instinct kicked in and Clare sat herself beside her the next day and learned her name was Reenie, short for Maureen, and she was a wreck.
“I can hardly eat, I’m so nervous,” she confessed in a trembling whisper.
“Don’t get all worked up about this,” Clare said, even though she herself was all nerves. “Just take it one day at a time and be sure to ask for help if you need it.”
“I did my student teaching here. The high schoolers are brutal.”
“If they sense you’re scared of them, you’re cooked,” Clare said.
“We’re all cooked,” she said. “We have a new principal. And she has a reputation.”
“What?” Clare gasped. “Mrs. Donaldson isn’t here? She hired me!”
“I hear she got a fabulous promotion to some state board job, and had to leave suddenly. The woman they hired to replace her has only been teaching about ten years.”
“Well, she must have some incredible credentials to land in this job,” Clare defended. “Best to keep an open mind.”
As for asking for help—Clare soon learned it was every man for himself. She was short of textbooks and left to scrounge through the entire building, from storage rooms to boiler rooms, to find what she needed. Then there was the matter of preparing her classroom; it should be welcoming to the students. She decided on a theme—Fall Literature. She wanted to make huge letters shaped out of books and leaves that would set the stage for reading assignments with a strong sense of season, but when it came to finding supplies, she was on her own.
She had met some of the teachers before, during her substituting, and those she hadn’t met were not unfriendly, but clearly she was the newcomer and without a clique. As it happened, Reenie had the room next door, eleventh grade English, and it was obvious that Reenie was relieved to see her. As they compared schedules, reality hit home hard—six classes and one planning hour. Reenie’s planning hour fell at the beginning of the day, Clare’s at the end. There would be no honors classes for these new teachers—no getting by with the top students. Those kids, who were also the best behaved, took tenure. In fact, Clare and Reenie had two remedial classes each.