by Mandy Harbin
"Just be honest and trust your instincts."
I laughed without humor. "I think we've learned my instincts suck."
"You're not giving yourself enough credit." Then she narrowed her gaze. "You have to talk to him either way. In person. You won't be able to move forward until you do."
My hands started sweating. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"That's why you have to do it." She took a deep breath. "When you see him, talk to him. I mean really open up. Make him open up, and then you can decide what's best for you to do. If not, you'll always wonder, and it'll eat at you. You have enough drama in your life, Liv. Take a shot at happiness or make the mutual decision to end it. Don't let him decide for you. Decide together."
I sighed. "Couldn't you have just made me drink red wine?" I joked.
Laughing, she said, "You're not ready for red. We'll do a blush next."
What? "I was just kidding." I was not drinking red wine. But the knowing smile on her told a different story. The white wine had been a stepping stone into making me a connoisseur. My stomach churned at the thought of that. At least I had time before she started guilting me into trying other variations. Seemed her guilt was spread thin enough for now. "Fine, I'll go see Killian. Are you happy now, or do you have more guilt, I mean guidance, to dish out while our fish gets cold?"
"Happy? Yes. But text your dad now, so you don't forget."
"Mmm-hmm." She meant so I wouldn't choose not to contact him, not that I'd forget to. I pulled out my phone and sent the message. Then I picked up my fork. I wasn't going to give her another opportunity to address other issues in my life. I had a feeling if I allowed her, I wouldn't be getting up until I'd picked out my new career choice and college schedule. Cold fish was only good in sushi or tuna sandwiches.
By the time I finished eating dinner, my phone had beeped. Dad replied he was thrilled I wanted to visit and was very much looking forward to it. He was going to plan all sorts of father-daughter activities for us to do and told me to bring some comfortable shoes. I smiled a little at his enthusiasm. I wasn't his little angel anymore, but maybe I could become something else, something more meaningful to who I was now. Start a new beginning with my father. He was going to be the easier of the two men disguised as obstacles I had to tackle. Deep down, I knew he was a good man. He'd love me no matter what.
The obstacle Killian presented was another matter entirely. Visiting my father would buy me some time before I had to deal with him though. I knew this. I wasn't an idiot.
I also knew I couldn't put him off forever. I'd accepted this before guilt with a side of grilled fish had been served for dinner tonight. Mom was just nudging me to do it sooner rather than later, but she was right. I couldn't embrace the future without dealing with the past. I wanted Killian, but only if I could make him happy. That was what we had to figure out, because if I believed I could give him the kind of happiness he deserved, then I was not going to let him walk away.
But if I learned he really was better off without me, then I'd have to find the strength to let him go—for good.
21
Killian
I pulled on an old T-shirt and shorts after getting out of the shower and sidestepped some plastic bins that had been gone through and repacked. Spending Saturday morning mowing had been about as much fun as going through boxes from the attic over the last week. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, cleaning out the clutter and giving away old things for a good cause, but the task had been more than daunting. And that was just the physical. The whirlwind of feelings seeing some of this stuff brought up had been much harder to accept. I wasn't a puss, but there was nothing more real than the memories of days forgotten—and days I'd tried desperately to forget—staring me in the face. From my kindergarten graduation gown to Little League glove, I'd been bombarded with the happier times of my childhood. Then I'd come across a photo of me and Gabe playing, and the lukewarm and almost-fuzzies had gone to shit. It hadn't been a picture of us during our inseparable years, a time I would've expected to see immortalized in images. It had been one of us as toddlers, playing with some colorful toy and drinking from cups with lids. Seeing that had been like a punch in the gut. I hadn't known Gabe back then. Or so I'd thought. There was no doubt it was him though, which was proof our blood ties had been known and lied about for longer than I'd assumed.
But thinking about the past and the lies I'd lived drew my attention away from Liv. Did I prefer thinking about how my parents hid the truth about Gabe's paternity from me? Hell no. When Granddad told me the truth before I rushed off to find her, he hadn't been specific with the timeline. I'd been reeling from the truth and driven by the need to find Liv that day, but after I found the photo, I'd asked more questions and had gotten answers I'd rather not have learned. Focusing on my new history helped me to not think about Liv. I just couldn't risk letting her take over my mind. No, I wouldn't allow it. Because if I did, I'd have to fight the urge to pick up the phone and call her or send a text. Hell, or hit the interstate to go to her. Knowing where her mother lived did not help my resolve. Several times I'd passed the exit that'd put me on the path to where she was. I had to grit my teeth and lock my elbows to keep from turning. My body knew what it wanted. My heart wanted it even more.
My head held onto control by the tiniest thread. The only thing stopping me at this point was knowing I'd be a reminder of the hardest day of her life. If not for that, I wouldn't be able to control myself.
Enough. I couldn't change the past, so I wouldn't spend all my time dwelling on it. I walked out of my room and to the kitchen where I heard someone. Maybe I could catch Granddad and chat with him a little before he left. Now that I'd started my full-time job, I was away more than I had been before, which was shocking since I'd been gone a lot. Part of it was my own doing, not wanting to take the chance of coming home to an empty house and deciding to work late instead. Margo kept him as active as he could stand it. He'd bristle, but deep down, I knew he enjoyed her company. She'd been a good match for him.
I walked in and frowned at what I saw Granddad eating. "You having chips for breakfast?" I asked, glaring at him.
"No. I had bacon for breakfast. I'm having chips with lunch."
I shook my head. The man wouldn't live much longer eating like this, but he was grown. He could clog his arteries if he wanted. Lord knew I'd tested the skills of my liver too much over the last month. We all had our faults.
Margo walked in and huffed at the clock. "That girl is fifteen minutes late," she muttered.
"What girl?" I asked as I swiped a chip from Granddad's plate on my way to the fridge. A sandwich sounded like a good idea. It was almost noon, and I hadn't eaten anything yet this morning.
"A volunteer. College students who want to go into nursing volunteer over the summer to test it out. It weeds out those who can't hack it, and for those who still want to pursue the profession, it looks good on their nursing school applications."
"Oh, I should leave out some false teeth or something," Granddad said with a chuckle.
"You don't have dentures, Cecil."
"But she doesn't know that. Best to give her a taste of what she's getting into."
I pulled some deli meat and cheese from the fridge and grabbed the bread from the counter before sitting down beside him. "Hazing the newbie?" I tsked. "Shame on you."
"She'll have to deal with more than false teeth if she wants to be a nurse for the elderly, son."
I glanced at Margo and then half-smiled at him. Even being referred to as his son—my father—didn't have the same effect it once had. I still hated it, but my granddad's years were numbered. I could hold on to the anger for something he had no control over, or I could chose to ignore it. Ignoring it was the right thing to do now. "I have some plastic vampire fangs you can use."
He winked at me. "Now you're thinking."
I stood and made my way to my bedroom. I found those fangs in one of the boxes I'd come across and knew exactly wher
e they were. As I passed the front hall, the doorbell rang. She was finally here. At least Margo wouldn't have to report her or something. "I got it," I called over my shoulder and walked to the front door. I'd have to sneak the fangs back to Granddad while this girl wasn't looking. I was smiling about that when I opened the door.
I froze.
"Hi, Killian."
"Liv," I breathed. Holy shit. I couldn't move anything but my eyes, which were raking her in. She was beautiful, even more so than I remembered. Her hair was still blonde with black and hot pink streaks, the colors shining in the sunlight.
"Um, can I come in?"
I blinked and cursed myself for acting like an idiot. "Sorry," I mumbled as I stepped back.
"You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago," Margo said as she stalked into the foyer.
I gaped at Liv. "You're the volunteer?" How'd she even go about signing up for something like this? And why would she do that knowing she'd be around me?
"I-I don't know what you're talking about." She shook her head and darted glances between me and Margo.
"Sara Jones?" Margo asked.
Liv shook her head. "I'm here to see Killian."
My heart was racing. Why was she here to see me? I swallowed and looked at Margo. "Can you give us a few minutes?"
"Um, sure. I'll take your granddad out back and have him pick the tomatoes from his garden. Just holler at me if Sara shows up." Then she looked at Liv. "Sorry for the confusion, dear. I was expecting a nursing volunteer who is late and thought you were her."
"That's okay." Liv smiled at her, and I fisted my hands to keep from stroking her face. I knew how soft her cheeks were, and I ached to touch her again.
I heard Margo walk away, but I kept my eyes on Liv. She shifted her stance and twisted her fingers together. At least I wasn't the only one nervous.
"Can we sit down for this?"
I nodded stiffly and forced my body to turn. I could've walked into the living room. Hell, I should have, but I went to my bedroom instead. It felt more private in there. When I opened the door and saw all the boxes, I swore a low oath at how messy it was. "Sorry. Been cleaning out the attic." I scooped up some lingering clothes and junk and set them aside. She sat on the edge of my bed and I leaned against the wall. It was better to stay on this side of the room rather than sit beside her. "So, how've you been?" I groaned and shut my eyes at how cheesy I sounded.
She laughed softly. "At least you didn't ask me about the weather."
"That only applies when attending hurricane relief parties." I smiled at her, and my heart melted when she returned it, not looking away. "God, I've missed you," I whispered. I couldn't keep it in. I missed her desperately and my heart wanted to shout it. She bit her lip and looked away. I winced internally for making her uncomfortable again. "It won't change anything though." She had to understand I wouldn't push her for something she didn't need.
Her head snapped up, and she glared at me. "Why not?"
"Um...because it doesn't." What did she mean? "Why are you looking at me like you're about to rip my balls off, firecracker?"
She stood and took a few steps toward me. "Because I just might." She crossed her arms. "Why are you being so selfish?"
"What the hell?" I walked toward her. "If anything I'm being selfless. So fucking selfless it hurts. Do you think I don't want to be with you?" I asked incredulously. The fire in her eyes died a little and that hurt me more than her reaction. "Oh shit, you do. No, baby." I gripped her arms and shook her a little. She looked up at me, her eyes searching. "I...I...oh hell, I love you, okay? I do, that's why I called things off." I let go of her and stepped away. If I didn't I would toss her onto my bed and chain her to it so she'd never get away.
"You know how messed up that sounds, right?"
I sighed, but didn't turn around. "This whole thing is messed up. My father kidnapped you, raped you, would've killed you—"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Raped me?" she squeaked. I turned around, and she was shaking her head. "Your father never touched me. Not like that."
My head was spinning. "He never raped you?"
"No. I've never been raped."
I took a few tentative steps toward her. "What about that d-word? You can't stand to hear it. I know he used it when he had you. You don't have to lie to protect me from the truth."
"Kill, I swear to you your father never tried anything like that with me. According to Gabe, he'd planned on giving us to the two of you. Not use us himself."
I flinched. "I would have never hurt you." I would've stood up to that man before I allowed that to happen.
"I know. What I'm saying is that wasn't his intent."
I nodded. "Okay, but the trigger word. It—"
"Darlin'? Yeah it still bothers me."
My eyes popped open wide. "You just said it."
She smiled. "Yeah, and I've tasted red wine, too." She shivered. "It's gross, by the way."
My feet were moving, but by the time I realized it, I was standing in front of her again. Since we were beside the bed, I sat so I wouldn't look threatening to her. "Red wine?"
She bit her lip again and nodded. "Your dad drank it. He made me and my sister drink some. I've hated the smell of it since."
My eyes narrowed. "If he wasn't dead, I'd kill him."
She smiled and reached out. Her palm touched my face and I leaned into it instinctively. I should stop this, move away from her. I lifted my hand and grabbed her wrist instead, making sure she didn't let go of my face. I wasn't sure how long I could stand this contact without going insane, but I was willing to test my limits if this was the reward.
A reward I'd consider as punishment once she was gone again.
"Other than make me drink red wine, hit me, and chain me up, he didn't do anything to me. Not that what he did wasn't bad enough, just not as horrible as you assumed."
I looked into her eyes and saw the honesty there. "But you weren't a virgin," I said softly. "And you avoided men. How were you able to have a relationship?"
She moved closer and was standing between my legs now. Her other hand found my hair and both rubbed along my face and scalp. I wasn't sure if she was avoiding the question, but her touching me like this was driving me mad. I was two seconds away from ripping her clothes off before chaining her to my bed. "Baby, you have to stop that," I panted, begged really. I wrapped my hands around the outside of her thighs.
"I lost my virginity in high school. To another social outcast. It wasn't a great experience, Kill. We'd both been drinking, and the smell of liquor on his breath gave me flashbacks. I silently wished for him to stop but never opened my mouth. I just wanted it over. It was the only time I tried before meeting you."
"Firecracker," I breathed and pulled her to me then. I wasn't happy about this, not at all. She deserved to be cherished and loved, her body worshiped. Not taken in a fog of alcohol and regret. But the selfish side of me was fucking grateful my father hadn't been the one to take her innocence, that he hadn't known her body like that. She kissed the top of my head, her sweet breath fanning me, and I squeezed her closer. She lifted my head up, and I knew right then I was a goner. I'd give her whatever she wanted.
For the rest of my life.
"I love you, too, Killian," she whispered. "So don't think for one second I'm letting you walk away."
I shot up from the bed and crushed my lips to hers, my tongue demanding entry, my heart exploding regardless. I kissed her with all the passion I'd denied myself, all the love that belonged to her. And she reciprocated. For the love of god, she reciprocated and I was completely lost to her. I'd lose myself over and over.
The doorbell rang, and I reluctantly pulled away. "I should get that," I whispered.
"I got it," Margo yelled. I chuckled but was so happy I didn't have to leave Liv's arms right that second that I was going to give Margo a raise. She deserved one anyway.
"So a new nurse is coming here, huh? She better not be pretty." Liv frowned.
"Doesn't matter, firecracker." I stroked her hair and then leaned in and smelled it. God, I'd missed this. All of this.
She turned her head and snorted. "Your room is seriously messy."
I pulled back and took her hand. "I told you I was going through old boxes.” She looked over to the side of my room and took a couple of steps. Then she halted and stared in the corner. She cocked her head to the side as if she were studying something. I looked over there but didn't see anything special. She let go of my hand, and I would've protested but she walked purposefully to the corner and reached for something. When she turned she held an old baseball cap.
"Is this yours?"
I wasn't sure what she was getting at, but I nodded. "I used to play Little League."
Her eyes shut slowly. "Of course," she breathed. Then she looked at me and strode over to me, wrapped her arms around my neck, and kissed me hard. By the time she pulled away, I was panting and felt so limp that I would crumble at her feet...well, one part of me wasn't limp. The rest definitely was. I couldn't explain her reaction, but if it generated her kissing me like that, I didn't care to try to understand.
"It was you." Her smile shined brightly.
"What was me, baby?"
"That day your father kidnapped me." I stiffened. "No, don't do that. Remember? I had my allergy attack, so Gabe's mom set me loose. I saw a boy who walked in and ordered me to leave. He was wearing this cap." She lifted her hand, showing it to me. "It wasn't Gabe. I'd met him already. What other boy that age would just walk into the house?"
I nodded slowly. "It could've been. But I was so out of it, I don't remember a lot of that night. Doctors said seeing my mom get killed traumatized me."
"It was you." She smiled. "I know it. I can see it now." She rubbed my chest. "I've often wondered what happened to that little boy. You saved my life," she whispered.
I squeezed her to me. "You saved mine, too. Everyday."
A knock sounded on my bedroom door, so I pulled away from her. I kissed her forehead and grabbed her hand to pull her with me. I just couldn't stop touching her, so I saw no reason to. When I opened the door, Margo stood there smiling. "Sorry to bother you two. I'm taking your granddad to the retirement home with Sara. He thinks she should watch some of the more, um, detailed care involved with the elderly.”