‘Oh dear, still not sleeping well?’
‘No.’
‘Might be worth mentioning to Gina. She may be able to help. Anything else annoy you?’
‘The way you twitch your foot when watching TV.’
‘I do not twitch my feet.’
‘You do.’
‘OK, moving swiftly on,’ Matt said as I sipped tea. ‘What makes you happy?’
‘I’d say our family being together. For both of us.’
‘It’s true, I do love those times,’ said Matt. ‘You can’t beat the bubble of family, but I also like seeing the boys separately, quality time with each of them; otherwise all the old competitiveness comes out when they’re together and it can end up like a battleground.’
‘Really? Like when?’
‘Last Christmas when Sam was over and we played Twister. I swear the boys almost came to blows. I think Jed feels that Sam has outshone him and he needs to prove himself.’
‘OK. What else?’
‘How do you like to be kissed?’ I continued.
‘You go first.’
‘I like tender and passionate, anything but those cold dry kisses you give sometimes.’
‘Cold dry kisses? That’s harsh, Cait.’
‘Sometimes you kiss me goodbye in the same way you’d kiss an old aunt.’
‘I do not.’
‘You do. Like it’s an obligation rather than there being any real feeling.’
‘Really? I had no idea you felt like that, or that I did that.’ He looked upset.
‘Well, as you said, if we’re to move forward we need to be honest. What would you say?’
‘I’ve never really thought about it until now. Er … tenderly, deeply, it depends on where we are, you know – in the sitting room or in bed.’
I glanced back at the questions. ‘What turns you off sexually? I’d like to know. My answer would be a lack of feeling desired.’
‘Feeling desired?’
‘Yes. That’s a big turn-on for most women – to know, or rather feel and see, that they turn their partner on. I see nothing in you but disinterest. No fire in the eye.’
‘Oh, Cait, we’ve been together thirty years. Fire in the eye is for when you first get together.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes. What we have is deeper and I think you’re being hostile.’
‘No I’m not, I’m just answering honestly. What are your three most important qualities in a good relationship? I’d say communication, trust, nurturing for you.’
‘I can answer for myself, but nurturing? That doesn’t sound very sexy.’
‘It isn’t, but it’s what I think you want these days – looking after.’
‘Meaning?’
‘Someone to cook, shop for you, do your laundry.’
‘Hey, come on. I’m doing what I can, especially now my back’s better. We’ve agreed that can change. The house was your territory—’
‘Which needs go unmet in your relationship? I’d say acknowledgement, appreciation, desire.’
Matt let out a deep sigh. ‘I seem to remember that Gina said to have fun with this.’
‘I know. She must be mad. What could we do to improve our relationship?’
‘Stop doing questionnaires like this,’ said Matt.
‘You’re the one who insisted we do it.’
‘Only because Gina asked us to and we made a commitment to try and work with her.’
‘OK. Next question. What would you like to change about your relationship?’
Matt turned and looked at me and sighed wearily. ‘To go back to the days when we didn’t have to do stuff like this. Sorry, it was a bad idea, and especially first thing in the day. I am trying, you know I am but … I wish we could go back to the time when we didn’t have to work on our relationship.’
I nodded. ‘I know what you mean. Let’s leave it for now. Maybe we can talk about it all more when we’re with Gina.’
‘I agree. I am sorry, Cait.’
‘What for?’
‘Everything. That we’ve come to this. That we’re not working.’
‘No, no, don’t be. You know I’m grouchy in the morning. And what’s the alternative? To go back to those silences when neither of us knows what the other is thinking?’
‘I guess not. I don’t know.’ He sighed. ‘I think you’ve been right about so many things, one of them being that both of us had started taking each other for granted.’
An hour later, he was gone. He’d been planning the trip for a while and I couldn’t help but feel slightly miffed that he hadn’t considered a weekend away with me, not for a moment, especially as it was so close to our wedding anniversary. But then, why would he? I told myself. He probably needs time away from old misery me; it would probably do him good.
*
I went downstairs to find bags and rucksacks in the hall and Jed and Martin finishing off toast and tea in the kitchen.
‘What’s happening?’ I asked. ‘Are you going somewhere?’
Jed came and put his arm around me. ‘We are! Grandpa’s offered us his house so we’re heading over there today.’
‘Today? Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I just did.’
‘It’s a bit sudden.’ Matt and I had discussed it but I didn’t think anyone else had.
‘Not really. We’ve been chatting about it for weeks and then last night thought, why hang about? See, we need our space, Mum,’ Jed said, ‘and I can see we’re cramping your style here.’ He glanced over at Martin and sniggered. No doubt a reference to the day they found me with my head in Matt’s groin. ‘It’s the perfect solution until we get sorted.’
‘Sorted how?’
‘Decide if we want to carry on travelling or settle down. While we do, Grandpa’s house is standing empty, and he’s more than happy that we’ll be there for a while or until it sells.’
‘Sells?’
‘Yes. He’s putting it on the market.’
‘He is? So, he’s decided to stay with us?’ I said.
Martin and Jed exchanged glances. ‘Er … best let him fill you in on his plans. But isn’t it great? Everyone’s happy. We won’t be getting in your way, messing up your kitchen, Grandpa will have peace of mind knowing his house is occupied, and we’ll have our very own home for a bit. A win-win all round eh?’
‘Makes sense I guess.’
An hour later, they were gone.
*
When I came down to make lunch I saw that there was a suitcase in the hall. I went through to the kitchen and found Dad sitting at the island.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked.
‘Ah yes, Cait. I’ve been meaning to have a word, but you’re always out at one of your classes or away with your friends.’
‘Are you going somewhere?’
Dad smiled happily. ‘I am.’
‘Back to your house with the boys? But they’ve just left.’
‘Lord no. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, love, but – thing is – I need my own space and a bit of quiet, and Lorna has come up with a solution. She’s offered me part of her house. I’ve seen the plans and it looks perfect and it will save her looking for lodgers or having strangers there when the time comes.’
‘Oh but … yes, I knew of her plans, but haven’t you been happy here?’
‘Yes. No. Thing is, love, I didn’t realize how much I’d got used to living on my own. I need my own kitchen, my own sitting room and, more than that, my independence. Not that I haven’t appreciated being here. I have, and it’s made me realize that I like a bit of company now and then, but not full time. I like it over at Lorna’s. She’ll be around in the background and I think she’d like to know someone’s nearby too, which I will be. Plus, there are her dogs. Walking Otto and Angus has reminded me what a joy dogs are, the perfect company. I don’t want the responsibility of owning my own, not at my age. I wouldn’t want them to end up in a rescue centre if I pop my clogs, but Lorna said I can borrow her
s any time I like, and I do like. Same breed as my old Brandy.’
‘But the building work hasn’t been done yet.’
‘I know. Plan is, I’ll stay on her side while the building on my side is completed. Shouldn’t be long now, and you know that place, the house is huge, she’ll hardly know I’m there. Lorna and I have a lot in common. We’ve both lost our partners and she doesn’t want to replace Alistair. Plus, there’s her beautiful garden to spend time in and I could help her with a bit of pruning. She also said I can have one of the old sheds out there, do a bit of hammering when I fancy. And you’re not far away. What do you think?’
I smiled at him. ‘I guess it makes sense, Dad, and you were always happiest pottering in your shed with a dog getting in your way. I think it will be great, really.’ I meant it too. I could just envisage him there and the image made me glad.
Dad looked at me tenderly. ‘But how about you, Cait?’
‘What about me?’
‘You seem restless. I’ve only been here a short time, but long enough to see when my daughter’s struggling with something. I don’t think I’ve seen you relax once since I’ve been here.’
I shrugged. ‘I’m OK. Just not sure what to do with myself any more.’
‘Cait, love, at your time of life you have to stop running and take stock. Recognize that you can stop. We spend so much of our lives striving. It starts straight after college – striving for the perfect job, to find the right partner, build a family, find the house and where you want to be in life. All that time on the treadmill, going somewhere, with something to achieve, but if you stop and look, I think you may find you’re where you wanted to be and you’ve got a lot of what you were aiming for. You’ve had your career, had your family, you’ve got your home. You don’t need to strive any more, so why not appreciate what you’ve got; enjoy your achievements. Maybe it’s that time for you. What more do you want?’
I recalled that Tom had said something similar when we’d first met up. ‘That’s just it, Dad, I don’t know.’
‘How about you give yourself some time out? You don’t always have to be doing things. Why not sit back and smell the roses for a change?’
‘I’d have to grow some first.’
‘I remember when I was about your age, one phase of my life had ended and the next not quite begun. Reaching sixty is a turning point for many. See it as a gift that you don’t have to prove anything any more; you don’t, nor does Matt. Rearrange a few things and start to enjoy your life with Matt now that the boys have grown and gone.’
‘I have a fear that it’s all over.’
‘Not over, just beginning a chapter at a different kind of pace, but you have to let go and embrace that this is actually a new phase. Life is what you make it, Cait. Think about it, then create a different kind of existence, a bit slower maybe, but it can be just as fulfilling if you give it some thought.’
‘You mean retirement?’
‘I do. It doesn’t have to mean the end, there are all sorts of things you can still do, but just stop for a bit and you might realize that there’s no place to go because you’re already where you were aiming to be. You can get off the treadmill. Learn to be, to be a human being instead of a human doing.’
‘Food for thought, Dad.’
He kissed the top of my head.
An hour later, Lorna came to collect him and he was gone.
I noticed Yoda heading for the back door. ‘Don’t tell me that you’re moving out too?’
Yoda looked at me with disdain, blinked his eyes and walked away. A moment later, I heard him go out through the cat flap.
*
After lunch, I joined my walking group on the canal in the rain and tried to take in everything that was happening. Everyone gone. That awful questionnaire. I wished I’d made my responses kinder. Matt considering going. Me thinking about Tom. I knew the ball was in my court with him. He’d made his proposal; I’d told him I wasn’t ready. I thought about what Dad had said. Time for a new chapter. Would Tom be in it? Maybe it was time to go and find out. I could do it this weekend, I thought, while Matt’s away. Is it too late to invite him to meet up somewhere? I wondered as the group trudged on, anorak hoods down, jeans splattered with mud.
When I got home, I took a deep breath and texted Tom. Am alone for the weekend. Want to meet up? Cait.
In the meantime, I cleaned. The kitchen is immaculate. The bathrooms are sparkling. The sitting room is tidy. The beds are made. The house is silent. Time for a list.
Send Tom the ‘get to know each other’ questionnaire I was supposed to do with Matt.
Write the list for Gina of all the household chores plus the admin that needs doing.
Make up my mind who I want to be with for the rest of my life.
I checked to see if Matt had sent a text to say he’d arrived and met up with his friends. He hadn’t.
I texted Jed to see if he’d settled in. No reply.
I called Lorna’s to speak to Dad and check he’d got everything he needed. No reply.
I checked to see if Tom had replied. He hadn’t.
What was it Churchill said once? I asked myself as I took a bottle of wine out of the fridge. Bugger the lot of them, that was it. Yeah, I’m right with you, Winston.
35
Cait
The next day, I was in a taxi on my way to meet Tom in London. He’d replied late last night, delighted that I’d decided to go and see him. I was feeling very apprehensive as the cab drove through the streets towards Barnes, partly because of the fact that I’d got no sleep due to the butterflies in my stomach, and partly because I’d got up early to buff, wax and oil every inch of me, just in case … I felt like a teenager about to have sex for the first time. How would it be? Although there was a time I knew every inch of Tom’s body and how he liked to be touched, that was a long time ago. Matt was the only man I’d had sex with in over thirty years and we’d given up on each other. I was out of practice. Would Tom still find me attractive when he saw me naked? Would I remember what went where? Of course I would. Breathe, Cait, relax. I reminded myself that it wasn’t just about sex, though I had no doubt that was on the agenda today, it was about chemistry and connection and Tom and I had that and more. All the same, I felt tense, caught between anticipation of what could be wonderful and anxiety about taking the plunge into something I might not be able to return from.
‘I’ve brought us a lunch from the deli,’ Tom said when he opened the door and ushered me through to a beautiful sitting room with high ceilings and a tall bay window overlooking a courtyard garden full of pots of red geraniums.
‘Very elegant,’ I said as I looked around at the tasteful pale grey and ivory furnishings in the room.
‘It suits my purpose for now.’
‘Where’s your friend?’
‘Out of town visiting his kids,’ he said as he went over to an ice bucket where there was a bottle of champagne on ice. He popped the cork and poured two glasses. ‘To celebrate you being here.’
I drank the glass in seconds to quell my nerves and immediately felt tipsy. Tom set out the food – cheeses, artichokes, sun-dried tomatoes and olives – but when he’d filled our plates and we’d sat down, neither of us ate much. The air felt charged with sexual tension. We both knew why I was there.
‘I got your questionnaire,’ Tom said as he topped up my glass. ‘Where did you find that?’
‘Online,’ I lied. ‘I thought it would give us a good opportunity to get to know each other better.’
Tom smiled. ‘I can think of more pleasurable ways,’ he said, but he got up from the table and went to fetch his laptop while I gulped down another slug of champagne at the insinuation.
Tom sat back at the table and began to read from the screen of his computer. ‘OK. Let’s go. What’s your favourite colour? The colour of your eyes.’ I groaned. ‘I know. Sorry. Corny. Next. What’s your favourite flower? You. You are my favourite English rose.’
‘You’re on
a roll of cheesiness here,’ I said, but I was glad for the questionnaire because it broke the ice and put us more at ease with each other.
‘Favourite restaurant?’ Tom continued. ‘So many. A fish place on the shores of Lake Como. A beach café in Thailand at sunset. I’m trying to make this as romantic as possible. Favourite food? Again too many. Where would you like to go on holiday? I would like to take you to my favourite place in Bali. A quiet and heavenly hideaway with views that will blow your mind. We had a few holidays when we were together, remember?’
I did. We’d hitch-hiked around the lakes once and, another time, we’d gone to the south of France with a bunch of Tom’s friends. I remembered I’d wanted to go to Greece, just the two of us. Another time we’d gone to stay in Rye, with his friends again. I’d wanted to go to a festival on the Isle of Wight with Eve but, back in those days, Tom led, and I followed without question.
‘What annoys me?’ Tom continued. ‘Fascists. Politicians. Narrow-mindedness. Queues! Don’t get me started. What makes me happy? So many things. Being with the people I love. Having a project. Watching a sunset/sunrise with someone I love. Happiness is a state of mind though, isn’t it? Can it be manufactured? Hearing from you makes me happy. Ah, now, this a good one. How do I like to be kissed? Tenderly, passionately, teasingly, erotically, softly, deeply. And where do you like to be kissed? Neck. All over, and again some. Are you listening, Cait? You look far away?’
‘Just remembering the past,’ I said. As I sat there with Tom, so many memories were flooding back, memories I’d conveniently forgotten until now. We’d always eaten where he felt like eating, gone to the exhibitions he’d elected to see, spent time with his friends; always done what he’d wanted to do. He had been Mr Cool, and whatever or whoever he deemed worthy of attention had immediately become cool too. In fact, he had been utterly selfish, his wants and needs always first, but I’d never let myself acknowledge that because, along with everything else that he’d desired, he’d selected me and that had given me credibility.
‘What might make me happier? If you shared my life, Cait. Possibilities make me happy. Anticipation.’ He reached out and took my hand and stroked my thumb as he continued reading the questions. ‘What turns you on sexually?’ He looked straight at me. ‘I challenge you to find out.’
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