‘Fair point,’ said Matt.
*
In the evening, Matt dimmed the lights in the bedroom and we stood there looking at each other. It felt odd and awkward.
‘Who goes first?’ I asked.
‘I will,’ said Matt. He stripped off and lay on the bed on his front. I climbed up next to him and ran my hands up his back.
‘How’s that?’
‘Like you’re tickling me. Needs more pressure.’
I pressed harder. ‘Like that?’
‘Hmm. Not really. Maybe try my shoulders.’
I attempted to knead in the way that masseurs did, but I was on my knees and leaning over him felt uncomfortable. ‘We need a massage couch that we can get round if we’re going to do this. This is clumsy. Maybe we should do it on the floor. How does it feel?’
‘Like you’re pinching me. Try gliding up with the palms of your hands.’
‘OK but maybe we need oil,’ I said as I tried using my palms then felt the right side of my back pull. ‘Owwwwww.’
‘What is it?’ Matt asked and turned to look. ‘Arghhhhh.’
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘I’ve cricked my neck.’
‘And I’ve pulled my back.’
He turned over and lay on his back, and I lay back next to him and both of us started laughing.
‘You OK?’ I asked.
‘Yeah. You?’
‘Yes, but how about we do each other’s feet to start with. Remember? You used to massage my feet when the kids were young. You were good at it.’
‘I do, and you used to do mine. Let’s go and watch telly and do that.’
We hobbled off the bed like a pair of geriatrics and made our way downstairs, where we put on the TV to watch the latest series of House of Cards on Netflix.
‘Subtitles on or off?’ Matt asked.
‘On.’
Matt settled at one end of the sofa and I sat at the other and we took turns massaging each other’s feet. It felt good, comfortable and familiar. Maybe this is what love is, I thought, not the fireworks or intensity of passion, but something softer and safer.
‘It’s a start,’ Matt said when we’d finished.
‘Not very arousing, though.’
‘No, but it wasn’t supposed to be, was it? It was just to get us back touching each other.’
‘Job done. You still want to leave me?’
Matt squeezed my foot. ‘Never, Cait. Relationships change, don’t they? We can make it work again, and we still have a few sessions with Gina.’
I smiled back at him and felt a surge of affection. ‘Cup of tea and a biscuit?’
‘Please.’
*
Later that night, some devilish part of me couldn’t resist a quick look on Tom’s Facebook page. There were some new posts showing photos of him. I looked at the date. Yesterday. Hmm. Who’d tagged him in? I clicked through. A woman called Cici Williams. Hmm. My age, dark, attractive. They’d clearly had a day out at Regent’s Park Zoo. I was pretty sure he’d sold the location to her as an adventure. Hmm. He hadn’t wasted any time.
40
Matt
We were making progress, Cait and I, I reflected as I got ready to go to the gym for a morning workout, and I was beginning to think we would make it through this rough patch. Much to my surprise, the counselling was helping. We were talking more and I wanted to make it work because I couldn’t imagine life without her, even when she was being psycho-woman though she seemed to have calmed down lately.
I opened the front door to leave at the same time as Debs rang the doorbell.
‘Oh hi. Cait’s not here at the moment. She’s gone to the supermarket.’ Debs looked uncomfortable and didn’t make eye contact. ‘Is something the matter?’
She shifted on her feet. ‘Possibly, er … could I come in?’
‘Yes. Of course.’ I held the door open for her and we went through to the kitchen.
‘So what is it, Debs? Has something happened? Cait will be back in about an hour if you need to see her.’
‘Actually, I know she’s not here. It’s you I want to talk to.’
‘Me?’
Debs nodded.
‘Is it about the spa brochure?’
‘No. Nothing like that. It’s …’
I waited for her to get out whatever it was.
‘It’s about you and Cait.’
‘Me and Cait? What about us?’
‘I … this is really difficult for me, Matt.’
‘I can see that, but now you’ve got me worried. Has something happened to Cait?’
‘No, I mean yes, not bad, or at least it might be—’
‘Debs, whatever it is, please just come out with it. Is Cait all right?’
‘Yes, she’s fine, but there’s something I feel you ought to know. I … I’ve been agonizing over this for ages, but last night I thought, no, Debs, you just have to go and tell Matt.’
‘Tell Matt what?’
‘Do you know a man called Tom Lewis?’
I felt a prickle of anxiety. ‘I can’t say I do. Why? Who is he?’
‘He’s someone Cait used to know when she was at university.’
‘OK. And?’
‘He got in touch with her recently.’
‘OK. When recently?’
‘A few months back.’
Warning bells were beginning to sound. ‘And you’re telling me this why?’
Debs squirmed. ‘I … I thought you should know. I am sorry.’
‘And why should I know? What’s this old acquaintance got to do with anything?’
‘He was more than an acquaintance, Matt. He was her boyfriend for a year.’
I cast my mind back. I knew Cait had had lovers before me, of course she had, but none that she was still in touch with, to my knowledge. ‘I don’t understand why you’re here telling me this, Debs. An old boyfriend has been in touch with my wife. And what has that got to do with you precisely?’ And why hadn’t Cait mentioned this to me herself? I wondered.
She looked directly at me. ‘Because I believe you deserve better, Matt. I know you’re a good and kind man and I don’t think Cait appreciates you.’ She stepped forward and put her hand on my arm. I took a step back. I didn’t like the way this was going and I wanted her to go.
‘I think you need to think very carefully about what you’re saying, Debs. Cait is supposed to be one of your best friends. Does she know you’re here?’
‘Of course not.’
‘And what are you hoping to achieve by coming here behind her back?’
‘I wanted to let you know that I am here for you, Matt. As I said, I don’t think she appreciates what she might be losing.’
‘Losing? Who said anything about anyone losing anything? Is she seeing this bloke? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?’
Debs nodded. ‘She is. Personally I think she’s making a big mistake.’
‘Mistake? What’s been going on, for heaven’s sake? Has she been having an affair?’
‘I … I’m not sure what’s gone on, but I know she’s been seeing him.’
I felt a hot flicker of rage ignite deep within. I wanted to know more, but not from Debs, not like this. ‘Debs, I don’t know what your motives were for coming and telling me this, but it really is none of your business. It’s between Cait and me.’
‘Please don’t tell her that I told you.’
‘But you did and, just out of curiosity, how did you find out about this?’
‘She told me. He’s on her Facebook page. At first she said he was living abroad, but then she told Lorna and me that he was currently in the UK and that she’d seen him.’
I was finding it hard to take in. ‘On her Facebook page? And she said she’d seen him?’
Debs nodded. ‘I know. It’s not fair on you.’
I felt sick. I wanted Debs to go but also needed to know what she knew. ‘She might just have been seeing him as one would any old friend.’ Though that doesn’t explain wh
y she didn’t tell me, I thought.
Debs said nothing. Her silence spoke volumes.
‘Cait confided in you?’ Debs nodded again. ‘And you’ve completely betrayed that trust.’
Debs looked shocked. ‘Only because I thought you deserved to know.’
‘It’s for Cait to tell me, not someone who calls themselves a friend but who clearly isn’t.’ Did she sleep with him? How far had it gone? I wanted to know, desperately wanted to know, but wouldn’t humiliate myself by asking.
‘Hey. No need to be like that, Matt. I knew you’d be angry but I was trying to help.’
‘I would say you’ve done more damage than given help. I think you should go. Now.’
Debs stepped closer to me and looked into my eyes. ‘But, Matt, I see who you are. I see … I’ve felt … and I know you felt something too.’
I moved away. Oh god, one drink in a bar, a bit of careless flirting, and she’d got completely the wrong idea. ‘No. No. It wasn’t like that. I think you ought to leave, now, before you say or do anything you regret. Debs, out, now.’ I went back into the hall and opened the front door for her.
She looked shocked by my reaction but began to leave. ‘Please don’t tell Cait.’
‘Just shut the door behind you, will you?’
When she’d gone, I stood for a moment to steady myself, took a few deep breaths to calm the anger that had erupted deep inside. Cait, what the hell have you done? I asked myself.
I went up to her study and opened her laptop. I knew she kept all her passwords in a book in the right-hand drawer in her desk. They were easy to find and there were the log-in details for everything. A moment later, I’d got into her Facebook page. I scrolled down to find friends. She had 179. I scrolled down again and there he was. Tom Lewis. I clicked on his profile. A good-looking man. I wanted to smash his smiling face in. Bastard. I read a few of his posts but saw nothing from or to Cait. I pressed on messages and ah … there they were. I wasn’t sure I wanted to read them. This was Cait’s private business after all, and it might be completely innocent, might be a harmless flirtation with the past, just as mine had been with Debs. I cursed myself for that. But why else would Cait have been working and pressing so hard to get our relationship to work? One last attempt to revive our relationship? Or was it all a lead-up to her telling me it was over between us? No. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I owed her that much at least, and not to go prying into her messages like a jealous lover. Trouble was, I was a jealous lover, and what Deb had said had thrown me. In all the time we’d been together, I had never doubted Cait’s fidelity – never had any cause to until now – and I felt furious.
By the time Cait returned home about an hour later, I’d marginally calmed down. I’d skipped going to the gym and given what Debs had told me a lot of thought. Although part of me wanted to confront Cait the moment she walked through the door, I wanted to check the facts. Debs might have got the wrong end of the stick, just as she had here today in thinking there was something between her and me. So why hadn’t Cait told me about this Tom? I asked myself over and over again. Was that because there was or wasn’t something to know? I had an idea of how to approach it.
‘Cait?’
She dumped the shopping bags on the island. ‘Yes, Matt.’
‘I thought I’d join Facebook. Could you show me how to do it?’
She turned away and started putting away groceries. I couldn’t see her face, gauge her reaction. ‘Yes, course. It’s easy. But why?’
‘I never had time before but, as we’ve been discussing, in this chapter of our lives, it’s important to keep up friendships. I thought it would be a way to stay in touch with old friends and maybe make some new.’ As she turned back to me, I studied her face for any sign of panic. Cait had never been good at hiding what she was feeling, but she didn’t appear flustered. I decided to push it a bit more. ‘How do you find friends?’
‘They find you mainly, and I can pass some of our mutual friends over to you. Not everyone uses it, though. You soon get used to who does and who doesn’t.’
‘And do you ever get people wanting to be your friend who you don’t want?’
Cait laughed. ‘All the time. God knows where they appear from, but there are ways round it. You can put privacy settings on so that not everyone can see your posts, or you can accept some people so as not to hurt their feelings then put them on a restricted list so that they don’t see everything. It can really take you back to the playground – especially if someone unfriends you.’
‘Maybe I won’t bother.’
‘No, you should. It’s fun. People post all sorts of weird and wonderful things. I’ll show you. Give me ten minutes to set it all up.’
‘OK.’
She disappeared upstairs. A short time later, she called me. ‘I can show you now if you like.’
I went up to find her in her study and sat next to her at her desk, where she proceeded to show me how her Facebook page worked. I didn’t tell her I already knew because I’d registered a few years ago then deleted my profile because I never used it.
‘And, once you’ve registered, if you scroll down my friends, you can click on their profile then click “Add Friend” if you want them on your list.’
‘Sounds simple enough. I’ll go and give it a try. Who are your friends?’
‘All sorts of people, Debs, Lorna, a lot of our local friends.’
‘Anyone from the past? School? University?’
‘A couple,’ said Cait as she turned her face away slightly and began to fiddle with some bits of paper. She was as cool as a cucumber. Who’d have thought it? Had she been lying about other things? Other people? Was this Tom fellow one of many? How would I know without confronting her?
‘OK, I’ll go and join on my computer. Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome,’ said Cait. ‘Jed and Sam are on there and post sometimes too. I bet they’d love to see that you’ve joined.’
I went to my den and to my computer. I’d made a note of her password, so I opened her page and scrolled through her list of friends until I got to the bottom. There was no sign of Tom Lewis. She’d clearly just deleted him from her list so that I wouldn’t see him and question her. Oh, Cait, no, I thought, no.
41
Matt
‘A familiar complaint in a relationship is that one is always the first to initiate sex and the other has to be persuaded,’ said Gina in our session with her a few days after the Facebook saga.
‘Or in our case, neither initiates or has to be persuaded,’ said Cait. ‘We both gave up a while back.’
‘Ah … And does that work for both of you? Some couples do opt for a celibate marriage and are perfectly happy to have companionship, but it has to be mutually agreed or it can lead to resentment on the part of the one whose needs aren’t being met. Matt, how do you feel about it?’
I shrugged.
‘Are you interested in her sexually?’ Gina persisted.
‘I still find her attractive, but my sexual battery has gone flat lately.’
‘Cait?’ asked Gina. ‘Do you still find Matt attractive?’
‘I do but, if I’m honest, I haven’t thought about him sexually for a long time.’
‘After the initial years of early passion, sexual attraction can fade,’ said Gina. ‘When you’ve seen each other hung over, grumpy, stressed; when you’ve done each other’s laundry, put away each other’s socks, seen each other unwell and so on, it can all get comfortable. The familiarity we seek works as the ultimate passion-killer.’
‘Exactly,’ said Cait. ‘So what do we do about it?’
‘It’s not going to come back overnight. I’d like you to continue with your non-sexual massage—’
‘Neither of us is very good at that,’ said Cait.
‘Then learn,’ said Gina. ‘Buy a DVD, do a course. How do you think the people who do massage got good at it?’
‘Right,’ said Cait.
That’s her told
, I thought. Gina could be very direct when she wanted to be.
‘But also take turns in giving each other pleasurable non-sexual things. Think about things you’d like to do with each other. For example – cook together, go for a walk, run a bath for the other and put candles in the bathroom. Whatever works to make you closer and make you each feel more cherished. I want you to think of ten things you could do that you would enjoy doing together or do for each other. Write them down, then fold up the pieces and put them in a hat and pick one out when you have time.’
‘Ten?’ asked Cait.
‘Ten,’ Gina confirmed. ‘Is that OK with you, Matt? You seem very quiet today.’
I shrugged again. I wasn’t in the mood for therapy. What Debs had told me had shaken me to the core and I wasn’t sure what was real any more.
‘Is something bothering you?’ Gina asked.
I shrugged again then looked at Cait. ‘What are we really doing here, Cait?’
She looked surprised by my question. ‘You know why we’re here. To improve our relationship and go forward in a more positive way.’
‘And do you really want to do that?’
‘Of course. Why else would I be here?’
‘You tell me.’
‘Has something happened since our last session?’ Gina asked. ‘I felt we were making such good progress but, Matt, you seem to have shut down.’
‘He has. He’s hardly said a word all weekend,’ said Cait.
‘Have you anything you want to say?’ asked Gina.
I shook my head. ‘Nope. Let’s just do the exercise.’
I began writing, though I could feel Gina watching me.
Theatre.
Walk in the country.
Lunch in town.
Mooch around the antique markets. We used to like doing things like that.
Cinema in the afternoon.
Cocktails somewhere glamorous. Cait likes a bit of glitz. I wonder if she had cocktails with this Tom fellow? I felt a surge of jealousy, and with it a wave of panic followed by acute sadness. Could it be true that she had another man and all this was a sham? I glanced over at Cait to see how she was getting on. She was chewing the end of her pen and looking out of the window. Part of me wanted to confront her, but not here, not now. Another part didn’t want to know.
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