A woman who loved herself too much had little room in her heart to love anyone else.
“It’s still Halloween?” she said with a groan, making him laugh.
“It is. And you’ve missed dinner.”
Her gaze flew to his as she pushed a tangle of hair out of her face. “What about you and the boys? Did you eat?”
“Tommy and I fed the boys, but I was kind of hoping…” Still caressing her shoulders, he found himself dealing with an unexpected bout of nerves.
He hadn’t invited a woman out in so long he realized he was out of practice. “I was wondering if you’d like to go out for some dinner?” He wished his nerves weren’t thrumming and he didn’t feel like he was holding his breath, waiting for her response.
“Go out for dinner?” she repeated, as if he’d asked her to dance naked down Main Street.
He laughed again. “Yes, you know. You and me. A restaurant where someone else cooks and serves the food.”
“No food fights?” she asked suspiciously.
“Nope.” He shook his head, crossing his arms across his chest. She looked far too enticing and he feared if he didn’t do something with his hands, they would end up around her, on her. And he’d been carefully keeping a leash on his emotions since the night he’d kissed her. He’d been so staggered, so stunned by the impact of that kiss that he knew just one was not going to be enough. He craved more.
And that frightened him enough to back off a bit. He’d been far too careful all these years to let hormones push him into something he’d regret.
Since she’d arrived, their relationship had slowly grown, until now they had what he considered a very solid friendship. Or at least that was the word his mind could accept.
He was at the point where he realized he could no longer deny his interest in Natalie—not just as the boys’ nanny, but as something far more.
It frightened him, but he’d vowed to simply take things slow and not do anything foolish to jeopardize the friendship they’d developed, or her presence in his home and with his boys.
“Tonight, throwing food is not allowed,” he said with a firm shake of his head.
“Thank goodness,” she said with a pleasurable sigh that lifted her bare, slender shoulders.
It had been a long time since she’d had dinner alone with a man. And she suddenly found the thought of having dinner alone with Jared very appealing.
Be careful, she mentally warned herself, struggling to balance the pleasure she suddenly felt with the responsibility she carried. She couldn’t afford to get involved with Jared. She couldn’t afford to care about him.
Too late, her mind echoed. It was far too late, she realized, looking at his face, realizing somehow she’d grown to care about him, had become emotionally involved with him, his family, as well as his life.
Jared was unlike any man she’d ever met. Kind. Loving. Giving. Generous, and the most wonderful father she could ever have imagined or wanted for her children.
But he isn’t their father, she had to remind herself once again, though the thought always brought on a mixture of pain and regret.
In the past few weeks, since Jared had kissed her, she’d found herself daydreaming, wondering what her life—and her children’s lives—would have been like if Jared had been their father.
Wonderful, she realized sadly. Absolutely wonderful.
But wondering and wishing did not make it a reality, she reminded herself firmly.
Jared was not her boys’ father.
But she was their mother.
And she couldn’t ever forget the reality of the situation, not ever.
Soon, very soon, she was going to have to tell Jared the truth. Time was running out, she realized sadly, trying to bank the panic that rose at the thought of having to reveal to Jared exactly who she was and why she was there. She knew she couldn’t contain or control her own feelings about Jared much longer. Or keep up this charade of who she was much longer.
He’d come to trust her and rely on her, and that’s exactly what she’d wanted, intended. So why did it make her feel so miserably guilty?
Looking at him now, feeling the warmth of his body so close to hers, she clutched the sheet tighter, aware of his gaze going over her, setting off pulse points of tension within her and heating her skin until it felt as if his hands were touching her, not just his eyes.
Struggling to pick up the threads of the conversation and banish her wayward thoughts, Natalie licked her dry lips, aware that Jared’s gaze followed the movement of her tongue, sending a wicked thrill dancing over her bare skin. He hadn’t kissed her since that night in the yard, and she wasn’t certain if she was relieved or remorseful.
“No feeding Ruth or Ditka under the table?” she asked.
“Not tonight, I’m afraid. They’ll have to get their own dates.”
Date? A flutter of nerves chilled her, and Natalie looked at him in surprise. She wasn’t certain she wanted to consider this a date. It had too many connotations, too many implications she wasn’t sure she could handle right now.
And it scared the daylights out of her. If she’d met Jared under different circumstances, she would have been thrilled about going on a date with a man like him.
But not like this.
The thought merely terrified her. A date would put their relationship on a whole different level, a personal level, one she knew she simply couldn’t allow under the circumstances. She’d been desperately struggling to keep her feelings for Jared under tight control, knowing that any kind of personal relationship with him was an impossibility for more reasons than she could ever begin to name.
Even entertaining the idea of going on a date with him stirred up all kinds of images and feelings better left alone. No, she couldn’t date him, couldn’t go on a date with him, couldn’t allow or encourage any personal feelings for him.
No matter what.
For his sake, she couldn’t allow him to think she was available for a personal relationship with him. No matter how much she might want it. It was impossible under the circumstances, and would seem far more heinous and dishonest, when he learned the truth of their situation.
She knew she had to keep things on a professional basis.
“No spilled milk or juice?” she asked, stalling nervously.
“Not unless I get clumsy.” He touched her cheek, his gaze soft. “The boys were beat. I gave them their bath and tucked them in. Tommy’s in for the evening, so he suggested we might want to get out for a little while.” Jared’s gaze drifted toward the window. “It’s a beautiful night. There’s a nip in the air, but it’s almost the first of November so it’s to be expected. But it’s not so cool we can’t enjoy the evening. I thought we might drive into town and have a nice, quiet dinner.”
“So you’re offering me a dinner I don’t have to cook?”
“You got it.” His gaze held hers. “What do you say?”
Feeling awkward, and more than tempted to just let things slide, she chose her words carefully, knowing she had to take a stand. “I’d say I’m starving, Jared,” she said slowly, lifting her gaze to his and holding it in spite of the fact that it made her blood heat. “And your offer is very generous and much appreciated. But I think I’d feel better if we didn’t call it a date.”
Jared lifted one brow in surprise. but sensing something was going on that he didn’t quite understand, he waited, trying not to feel stung.
“I work for you.”
“Hmm, yes, I’m aware of that,” he said with a smile, trying to ease whatever had caused her discomfort.
“And I just think it might be improper for me to date you.”
“Improper,” he repeated in surprise. “I see.”
Wanting him to understand, Natalie touched his arm. “Jared, I’m sorry, but I just think we should keep things on a professional level. For the boys’ sake.” Another lie, she thought, watching his face. Would the lies she had to tell him ever end? “If something should happen…”
Her voice trailed off and she searched for the right way to phrase this so as not to hurt or offend him, and yet not reveal the real reason she couldn’t and wouldn’t date him. “What if we find we dislike each other? Intensely?” His amused grin made her rush on. “Jared, I value my position here, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.”
“Nat.” Sensing her distress, Jared lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. “I’m sorry, it never occurred to me that you could interpret my asking you to dinner as improper.” Still holding her gaze, he hesitated. “I hope you realize that nothing—nothing could jeopardize your position here. I told you, you’re welcome to stay as long as you like. It’s your choice. The boys and I…” He smiled, letting his voice trail off. “Well, let’s just say we’d like you to stay forever, but—” He held up his hand to stop her protest “—I understand perfectly, and I’m glad that your position here is so important to you.”
He admired her sense of honor and obligation, as well as her sense of propriety. It was touchingly old-fashioned, and nothing could have impressed him more. “So rather than call this a date, why don’t we just say it’s a grateful employer buying a very dedicated employee a much-deserved dinner out?”
She laughed, glad he’d taken it so well. “That sounds wonderful.” Her stomach grumbled, and she pressed her hand to it. “Besides, I’m starving.”
“Good.” He stood up, then glanced at the clock on the nightstand. “I still have to shower and change, so why don’t we meet in the living room in, say, an hour?”
“Perfect.” She needed some time to pull herself together as well.
“Oh, and Nat,” he said as he headed toward the door, “we found the lizard.”
“You did?” Thrilled, she swung her legs over the side of the bed.
“Yep.” He paused, turning to her with a smile just as she stepped barefoot out of bed. “But tread lightly. Matilda’s still on the loose.” Natalie’s screech sent him laughing all the way down the hall.
Chapter Five
“I hope you like steak,” Jared said, as he slipped the valet his keys and went around to help Natalie from the car.
“I love it,” she admitted, accepting his hand and ignoring the spark of electricity that arced between them. “Besides, I’m starving, and right now I’m not too fussy,” she admitted with a laugh, glancing up at the restaurant.
“It’s not real fancy, but the steaks, which they specialize in, are fabulous.” He opened the door and led her inside. The restaurant had wood-paneled walls and an oak plank floor covered in sawdust. Candlelight flickered, casting long, soft shadows. “This is about the best restaurant in downtown Saddle Falls, not counting the Saddle Falls Hotel dining room,” he added with a smile, taking her hand and following the hostess to their table.
Jared pulled out Natalie’s chair, caught a whiff of her perfume and inhaled deeply, savoring the potent scent. She was dressed a bit differently tonight. Instead of jeans or leggings and a T-shirt, she had on a white pantsuit that showed off her figure. The jacket was double-breasted, and she’d worn it with a lightweight, silky blouse that dipped low in front to reveal just enough cleavage to make his mouth water.
She had on slender high heels, which brought her just about eye level with him. Her mouth was tinted a deep pink, and slightly shiny, making him ache to taste her.
Clearing his throat, and his thoughts, Jared went around and took his own seat. Their table was in a small alcove near a window, providing a beautiful view of the evening sky.
A waiter bustled over, pouring water, lighting the candle on the table and handing them each a menu. Natalie laughed when she looked at the selections offered. “You weren’t kidding.” She glanced across the table at Jared. “There’s only steak and potatoes on this menu!”
He frowned a bit, more nervous than he’d been in years. Perhaps because he’d never spent more than a few minutes alone with Natalie. Tonight they had the whole evening alone together. “Would you prefer to go somewhere else?”
“No. Not at all.” Still smiling, she shook her head and reached across the table to touch his hand, aware that he was probably just as nervous as she was. “This is perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
She glanced around. There was a small smattering of other guests—a few couples, one large family and a few lone individuals—but there was enough privacy so they could talk.
Sipping her water, she watched Jared, amazed at the transformation in him. He wasn’t wearing a suit, but had on clean, pressed jeans that molded his powerful legs like a glove, and a white dress shirt with a gray, pullover cashmere sweater.
His hair was still damp from his shower, and he’d shaved. It gave her a slightly heady feeling to know that he’d gone to so much trouble just for their “non-date,” as she’d started to think of it, and she was grateful she’d worn something other than her usual leggings and T-shirt.
She’d chosen a white pantsuit, casual, lightweight and very comfortable, and she’d worn her hair down. There was no reason to put it up tonight, since she didn’t have to worry about chasing the boys or getting it caught in anything.
“Are you ready to order?” The waiter hovered, pen in hand. After taking their dinner order, he returned with a bottle of wine and a large basket filled with warm, crusty bread. The yeasty aroma made Natalie’s mouth water. Famished, she broke off a piece of bread while the wine was poured.
“So are you recovered from your day?” Jared asked with a smile, leaning back in his chair and sipping his wine.
“I don’t know that I’ll ever recover,” she said with a laugh, setting her bread down. “I never realized how rambunctious all those boys could be.”
Jared watched the candlelight play over her beautiful features. “I’ll bet, but do you think it did the trick? Do you think it’s going to help Timmy?”
Wanting to reassure him, she covered his hand with hers. “I think so, Jared. He seemed very relaxed and comfortable with the boys, quite a few of whom had been teasing him.” She shrugged. “You know how little boys are—they can be cruel one minute and best friends the next.” She glanced up, surprised to find Jared watching her intently. “I’ve been working with him after school to recognize his letters and print them correctly. He’s doing much better, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to make an appointment to get his eyes examined. The boys will be off almost three days for Thanksgiving, and I’d like to bring him into town to have it checked out.” She shrugged. “The problem might be something as simple as his vision.”
Jared nodded thoughtfully, then a slow, sexy smile curved his mouth, making her wary. “What?” she asked. “Why are you smiling like the cat who ate the canary?”
Shaking his head, he laughed, lifting her hand and giving it the barest hint of a kiss, sending a thrill racing over her. “Because you continually amaze me.”
“Amaze you?” she repeated in surprise, aware that he had laced his fingers through hers and was holding her hand. And she was enjoying it. “Why on earth do I amaze you?”
“Because of your instincts with the boys. You are absolutely totally in tune with their needs—physical, mental, emotional.” He hesitated, not certain he should put this into words. He glanced at her and realized he needed to. “I’ll bet you were a terrific mother.”
She froze and her gaze darted to his. For a moment, she wasn’t quite certain what to say, how to respond. She simply stared at him, then swallowed hard, glancing down at the white tablecloth. “I…I like to think I was,” she said quietly, “but most mothers are pretty intuitive about their children.”
“Kathryn wasn’t,” he said flatly, surprising her.
She glanced up at him. “I’m sorry.” Not certain what else to say, Natalie sipped her wine.
Jared sighed. “Don’t be sorry. I should have known, but I guess I wanted children so badly I didn’t realize that she wasn’t exactly mother material.” He stared into his wineglass for a moment. “I met her while I was in Las Vegas for a cattle auction.
It was one of those fluke meetings.” He shrugged, but there was regret in his voice. “She was beautiful, I was smitten. My brothers tried to warn me that she was spoiled and selfish, but I wouldn’t listen.” He smiled wanly. “I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly. We were married almost immediately.”
“What did Tommy say?” she asked, watching him. She knew how important Tommy was to him. To all the Ryans, from the stories she’d heard.
“Tommy…” Jared blew out a breath, then dragged a hand through his hair. “At first, ‘congratulations.’ But Tommy’s a big believer in family. You simply accept someone if they’re part of the family, no questions asked.”
She thought about the way Tommy had accepted her, and smiled. “That sounds like him.”
“Anyway, Kathryn knew I wanted children, and we tried for several years. Finally, we talked about adoption. She didn’t want to adopt,” he said quietly. “She wanted to just give up the idea of a family, but I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t.” He looked at Natalie, pain shadowed in his eyes. “Family is everything to me. To all us Ryans. The thought of being married and not having children was not something that ever occurred to me. Kathryn knew how I felt before we got married.” He glanced around the room, then brought his gaze back to Natalie’s. “Her father was some hotshot attorney in Vegas. He knew that we’d discussed adoption. I’d actually gone to him out of desperation to see if he could talk to Kathryn, to convince her to consider it. Well, he occasionally handled private adoptions, and had called because he was handling the adoption of twin toddlers—”
“Timmy and Terry?” she asked, praying her voice didn’t betray the fear and anxiety coursing through her. Kathryn’s father had placed her sons for adoption. It was difficult not to feel angry and resentful.
But she realized quickly she also should be grateful they had ended up with someone like Jared Ryan.
“Yeah.” He took a sip of his wine. It suddenly tasted bitter. “I said yes immediately. In fact, I went to get the boys myself.”
“Your wife didn’t go with you?” she asked, stunned.
Anything for Her Family Page 8