Katie shook her head. “I don’t think so. He’s been acting weird for the past several weeks. Distracted, distant, it started right after Easter.” She bit her lip. “I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Oh, Katie, that not it. I’m sure of it.”
“How do you know?”
Abby clinched Katie’s hand. “Because, he’s crazy about you.”
That answered the question of whether he’d told Katie. She wondered what her daughter-in-law would think if she knew the reason for her husband’s angst. Would she be happy for her brother or appalled at her mother-in-law’s behavior? Either way Katie would know it wasn’t her fault.
The explanation leapt to Abby’s lips, but she bit it back. If Jackson had wanted to share this with his wife, he would have. “Why don’t you head on home. I’m sure we can manage without you. You’ll feel better when you’ve worked this out.”
Katie threw her arms around Abby. “I don’t know why mothers-in-law have such a bad reputation. You’re the best.”
“I hope you still think so twenty years down the road,” Abby said, hugging her back. Then she watched Katie scoot across to the parking lot, adding another topic to the list she and Grant needed to discuss.
Chapter 20
Abby stared across the picnic area. Half a dozen families separated the spot Chris had chosen from the one where Grant sat with Heather and Grace. Those feet felt like miles, and her life which seemed on the verge of coalescing into a seamless fabric of perfection was unraveling at the seams.
Grant met her gaze and gave her a wink before turning his attention to his family. The sly gesture he offered Abby should have soothed her continuing unease. She kept watching them, feeling guilty for doing so and for wishing things were different.
“Do you need more lemonade?”
Chris’s laugh pulled Abby from her thoughts. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked you if you wanted some lemonade,” he enunciated.
She nodded, letting him refill her glass.
Beneath his perfectly threaded eyebrows, his green eyes bored into her. “What’s got you so distracted?”
“Just thinking about all the things I need to take care of,” she answered, hoping to pull him off the scent.
“Is that Grant’s wife and little girl with him?” he asked, following her line of sight.
“Ex-wife,” she said, wondering how many times she’d made that correction. Then she made a point of turning her attention elsewhere. “Do you think I need to go buy more ice for the concession tent?” she asked, choosing a focal point one hundred-eighty degrees from where her mind lay.
“No, they’re good,” he remarked, undeterred from his mission. “Exes, you say. They look pretty cozy.”
“I guess so,” she answered. Jealousy was such an ugly emotion, still she couldn’t quite get the green-eyed monster inside her tamped down. She couldn’t bring herself to dislike Heather, much less hate her. She was an open woman who’d been lovely to Abby.
“I don’t usually make judgments on other peoples’ lives, but I gotta say whatever came between those two, they need to get past it. Anybody can see they belong together.”
Her head jerked toward her friend. “What makes you say that?”
He gestured toward the happy trio. “Look at them. What a beautiful family.”
Family! The word resonated in her ears. Regardless of what happened between Grant and her, those three would always be more.
“Look how well they get along,” Chris continued, unaware how his words affected her. “I’ve seen relationships work on less.”
The impact of Chris’s words hit her full force. Her sister had said virtually the same thing. Abby finally saw what everyone else could: Grant and Heather belonged together. She’d completely lost her mind, thinking falling for Grant was a good idea. Problem was she had fallen for him, and who wouldn’t. Despite her need to keep things under wraps, he’d accepted the relationship on her terms. What would happen when he woke up and realized the little she could give wasn’t enough for him?
Grant said he only regretted things he hadn’t done. What if he realized what he should have done was reconcile with Heather, that he’d wasted his opportunity to give Grace a sibling?
Abby knew what she had to do and it was going to kill her to do it. This was for the best, she told herself. If she removed herself from the equation, everyone would be the better for it.
All those days of worrying whether Grant would accept her decision to take the job in London had been for nothing. In the end, she was taking the option from him. She sent a silent thanks to the universe that she had the option of escaping for a year.
As if he could feel her emotions from twenty feet away, Grant’s gaze shot to hers. His smile faded reading the stricken look on her face.
She cut her eyes toward the gazebo where they’d met this morning. She’d never make it till this evening to do this.
Grant’s chin bobbed.
“Are you okay?” Chris asked, touching her hand. You’re looking a little pale.”
She cleared her throat. “I’m fine. I need to check on something. Can you take care of things here?”
“Sure,” he said, his brow furrowed. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Leaving him to clean up, Abby felt like a condemned criminal as she dragged her feet toward the gazebo. Her sins were many and as she approached the man she loved, she was about to add to them.
It was the last thing on God’s green earth she wanted to do. Selfish Abby, the one who’d wanted something she had no right to, wanted it all. Acceptance from her family, an exciting career abroad, and for a man to accept whatever morsels of love she could offer. He deserved better. Better than she could give him.
Her words would hurt, for a while. Then he’d come to realize it was for the best. Especially when more children filled his home, and he had a woman who deserved the kind of love Grant could give.
Following as soon as discreetly possible, Abby found Grant leaning against the gazebo’s opening. Arms folded, long legs cocked, he was a titan at rest. Her pulse quickened both in response to his commanding presence and the awful task that lay ahead.
His hooded eyes tracked her movements as she walked toward him. Then, as she drew closer, he reached for her. He would have taken her in his arms, as he had that morning, always looking to soothe away her worries with his touch.
Every cell in her body screamed to accept what he’d always offered so freely. Instead, she put out her hand, her palm making contact with his chest. She fisted his shirt, knowing it was the last tender touch she’d have from him.
As he studied her, his brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”
His concern tore at her. From the beginning his thoughts had been for her. Abby had ignored what was right, even as those around her pointed out the truth. It was past time for her to fix that. “Me,” she croaked, her throat growing tight with emotion. “I’m what’s wrong.”
“It can’t be as bad as all that,” he said, brushing a tendril of hair from her face. “Tell me what’s going on, beautiful lady. I’m sure we can figure it out.”
Tears welled in her eyes. There was no figuring this out, or talking it through, no compromises, explanations, or promises. There was simply what had to be done. If only she find a way of doing the right thing without hurting him.
Abby knew he’d fight her tooth and nail if she tried to explain he’d be better off without her. He’d also argue if she pointed out the number of people who’d benefit from her stepping aside. The only way he’d let her go was if she used the one thing he’d never fight her on. She’d have to lie and tell him this was what she wanted.
Her stomach rolled at the thought. God, she hated lying, and she stunk at it to boot. It was a skill she was going to have to get good at if she was going to get through this.
She dove in, wanting the conversation over as quickly as possible. It was only a matter of time before she totally
lost it and she’d never convince him if she was sobbing. “You know that conversation we’ve been putting off,” she began.
Grant took her by the arm, shaking his head. “Let’s wait till we get back to your house. I want to hold you while we talk.” He had them several steps from the gazebo before she could stop him from hauling her to the parking lot.
“No,” she barked. Getting lost in his embrace was part of the problem. He overwhelmed her good sense and had from their first touch. Abby jerked from his grasp. “I can’t wait any longer.” She drew in a deep breath, praying for strength. “I’ve decided I’m definitely taking the job in London.”
Grant stopped then doubled back. He cupped her face, his blue eyes so tender they tested her resolve. “That’s fine, baby. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me. We can work something out. I can come visit you as much as you like.”
Abby cut off the visual her brain created. Wouldn’t let herself imagine passionate reunions and stolen weekends spent exploring London. She’d known all along he’d be willing to do that. All her angst about whether or not he’d meet her half way was misplaced, perhaps her heart’s way of deflecting the issue.
Mastering the emotions fighting for release, she forced the lie to her lips. “See here’s the thing. I don’t want you to visit.”
“Abby, don’t do this,” he pleaded. “Every time things get too real for you, you push me away.”
The epiphany changed nothing. She made her voice cold, like she was speaking to a stranger rather than the man she loved. “I think it would be for the best if we didn’t see each other anymore.”
Confusion washed over him, as if she were speaking a foreign language. Then his jaw clenched. “Best for who?” he roared. He circled her, raking his fingers through his hair before facing her. His heated gaze locked on to her. “Sure as hell not best for me.”
“For me. This is what I need,” she said, patting her palm against her chest. Abby threw herself into her act as if she could convince her heart as well as him. On some level she hoped it would be true, that giving him up now was better than being left down the road when he finally figured things out for himself.
“Did Jackson say something to you?”
Abby shook her head. “No.” Which was part of the problem. Right now her son would rather anger and worry his wife than face a mother he was embarrassed by. She wouldn’t further damage her relationship with him, nor would she knowingly risk Jackson’s place in his wife’s family.
“I came to this decision on my own.” She drew in a breath and pressed on despite the ache in her chest. “What we have…” She had to start thinking past tense. “What we had was lovely, and I’ll never forget it. But, let’s face it. It was never going to turn into something permanent.”
Grant paced as he barked back a response. “If this is about me saying I wanted more children. I was just thinking out loud.” He took her by the shoulders. “All I want is you.”
Still caught in his grasp, Abby raised her chin, forcing her gaze to his. Her heart stopped, seeing the hurt in his eyes and knowing she’d been the one to put it there. “I warned you from the beginning, I wasn’t good at relationships.” Like a killer going for the jugular, she finished him off. “It’s not that I’m not good at them, I don’t want one.”
Twisting the words he’d offered her, she drove the knife deeper. “You once told me you’d take whatever I could give.” She opened her palms. “I’ve given you all there is.”
She knew the moment she’d succeeded, that her lies had taken root. Hurt flared in his eyes for a split second before he hid it behind an impassive mask.
“I see.” He released his grip on her. He hated her now. She saw it in the way his jaw clenched.
His hatred for her could fester for the next hundred years and it still wouldn’t be as much as she despised herself. “Thank you, for understanding,” she said, her voice small. She dug her finger nails into her palm to keep the emotions at bay. The movement shot pain through the mending bones in her wrist. She absorbed the stabbing sensation, feeling she deserved that and more for the pain she inflicted.
He drew in a breath, his eyes closing in resolution. When he opened them, she had to look away from their iciness. She stepped toward the gazebo’s entrance, unable to watch him leave. In fact, as his footfalls resounded against the ground she had to grab the bench she’d stumbled into to keep from following after him.
He stalked away and with each step, the cracks in her heart grew. Never had doing the right thing felt so wrong.
Chapter 21
Abby rolled over in bed and caught a whiff of aftershave. She buried her nose good and deep in that sandalwood scent she loved so much. “Grant,” she groaned, more asleep than awake.
Her fingers tunneled beneath the covers, reaching for him. She found nothing but cold sheets, and the sudden deviation from her dream jolted her awake. “Oh, God,” she cried as the events of yesterday rushed back with sickening clarity.
For hours after Grant stalked away, she couldn’t move from the gazebo. She didn’t weep, though, far from it. Her fist muffling the sound, she screamed till her throat was raw. Abby raged against a fate that would have her fall in love only to require her to give him up.
Finally, her anger spent, she emerged from the protection of the gazebo. A couple families remained at the park, but thankfully they were absorbed with their own pursuits, and she was able to make it to the parking lot unnoticed. Abby had no recollection how she made it home. Her only thoughts once she was behind the wheel were of finding some way of stopping the stabbing pain in her chest.
She stumbled through her house and collapsed fully clothed into her bed. The tears started then and hadn’t stopped until her body couldn’t make any more. Silent sobs took over after that, till she finally fell asleep. It wasn’t a restful slumber. Bent on torture, her unconscious mind replayed every touch, kiss, and word she’d shared with Grant.
Thank God, there were some self-preservation impulses in her and they’d mercifully yanked her from her dream. The only point in reliving what she could no longer have was punishment for the pain she’d caused him, and she had the rest of her life to work out her penance.
Abby shifted in the bed, telling herself it was time to get up. She quickly found intent wasn’t much help when her body wouldn’t cooperate. She let herself go limp, but if she thought avoidance would fix things, once again she was sadly mistaken. With her face touching the sheets where Grant had lain next to her, her whole brain seemed one giant olfactory nerve. She pulled the cotton to her face and breathed deeply. Then she drew her shirt to her nose. She even sniffed her hair. His scent permeated everything.
Until last night she’d reveled in the way his scent marked her. Bolting to the floor, she snatched the covers from the bed. Once she got started, she didn’t stop till she cleaned everything that could be thrown in the washer or scrubbed with bleach.
Later, while she pulled the last load from the dryer, she realized she still had a very large, expensive reminder parked in her garage. How was she going to get that thing back to him? All day she’d half expected Grant to show up at her door. If he had there’d have been no way for her to keep up the pretense. She reached for her phone, knowing she needed help.
Half an hour later, her back door opened. “Girl, I’m glad you called. I have got to tell you about my date last night,” Chris began. That was as far as he got. One look at her and his smile evaporated. “Good Lord, Abby, you look like death warmed over.”
She knew exactly how bad she looked, having seen her swollen eyes and washed-out face in the mirror. She tried to cover some of the effects of an eight hour crying jag, but there were some things makeup couldn’t fix.
He rushed to the table, touching her arm gently. “Is it your wrist?”
She wanted so badly to tell him yes, but at the moment she needed her friend more than she needed her pride. “My arm is fine.”
He cocked his head. “I get the feeling I
’m missing something here.”
She took several deep breaths, trying to ease the tightness in her chest. “Grant Davis and I are…” Her voice broke. “He and I were having an affair.”
Chris dropped into one of her kitchen chairs. “You were what?”
Abby clenched her jaw, angry not at Chris who had plenty of reasons to be upset, but at herself for keeping the one person who might have talked some sense into to her in the dark. She poured her frustration into her explanation. “An affair. You know dating, kissing, having sex. That thing you’ve been after me to do.” She waved her arms above her head like a lunatic as she rambled on. “Well, I’ve been doing it with my daughter-in-law’s brother.”
Her hysteria must have shown on her face since his indignation melted away. “Oh hell, all those things I said yesterday. “ He took her hands in his, asking her softly. “My God, why didn’t you tell me?”
She struggled to recall her brilliant logic for keeping things on the down low. “I wanted to be discreet in case things didn’t work out.” As the words left her mouth, she realized a part of her always thought it was a matter of when, not if things went sour for them.
Chris shook his head. “How long has this been going on? Was it serious?” He waved his hand in her direction. “Of course it was serious.”
“Yeah, I…” Abby’s words trailed off and it was several seconds before she could speak. “I love him.”
He blinked. “Did he break up with you?”
Abby shook her head. “No. I did.”
“Was it because of what I said?” he breathed. Chris took her hands in his. “You know I don’t know my head from a hole in the ground.”
Abby waved her hand, cutting his concern off. “Not because of you. It just wasn’t right. I’m leaving for London soon and I don’t want to try to manage a long distance relationship.”
“But if he loves you,” Chris said.
She should have known better than to attempt to fool him. “I broke it off because I love him…” She put her hand over her mouth to stop a sob that was threatening to escape her lips. After a second she tried again. “I love him, and I want what’s best for him. He needs to give his marriage to Heather another shot, and he’ll do that if I’m not in the picture.”
A Risk Worth Taking Page 16