***
A few days later there was a real breakthrough. They had found Paul's car. It was parked near the ferry port, so it seemed he really had gone to France, perhaps as a foot passenger, but none of the staff or customs recognised his photo from around the time he had left. It would make sense if he was abroad, as he'd made no attempt to contact me, his family, his office or anyone else that we knew of.
Paul's car was brought back home and when it appeared on the drive, my heart lurched. It was a beautiful Mercedes, but I felt sick at the thought of actually getting into it and sitting in the driver's seat where he'd sat so many times. I kept it for a while, undecided what to do with it, so I just let it sit there on the drive. It was a constant, painful reminder of Paul and I just couldn't bear it anymore, so I contacted the dealer and we came to an arrangement.
As it was nearly new, they agreed to take it back and I got a very decent price for it. This was a very welcome boost for my bank balance, but we were managing okay because the company that Paul worked for kindly agreed to pay me an allowance until the police discovered his whereabouts.
The boys were so versatile and were adapting to our new life on our own much better than I was. During the day, I could keep busy doing all the usual things like shopping and chores around the house, and I even got back into gardening. However, I was not eating much and had lost a lot of weight, so was not up to going back to the gym. My heartache got worse in the long evenings and lonely nights. My happy married life was gone, perhaps forever, and I realised just how very lucky I had been.
The police investigation stalled and no more clues turned up. Five months later, I resigned myself to moving house. I would have to try to build a new life and escape from all the memories in our family home. I focussed on clearing out the house, but it was tough getting rid of all Paul's clothes. There was no point taking them with me, so I gave them to a charity shop. It was good having something constructive to do, looking at different properties and choosing a new home for us. I sold the house very quickly and also got rid of the furniture, except for three single beds. I hadn't slept in our marital bed since Paul had disappeared, so that went as well.
We found a lovely house with a big garden much closer to the town where the boys went to school. Being in a new location certainly helped me a lot, and I really enjoyed shopping for new furniture. I bought myself a new double bed, ornaments, pictures and even crockery and kitchen utensils. This was truly a fresh start for all of us and I was determined to make a go of it.
Chapter Three
The next three years were peaceful and I came to terms with the idea that I was single again, although legally, I was still married to Paul. I'd gone back to the gym and was quite fit again and did get some attention from men, but so far, I was not interested in anyone. I'd got a part-time job in a solicitors' office as a secretary, which I enjoyed greatly, and the boys were going to senior school.
There was a good crowd of people at work and occasionally, we would all go out for a drink in the evening or go to lunch in a local bistro. It was all good fun and gradually, I felt the past receding further and further away, lifting my spirits.
It was on one of these outings that I first met Steve, a local estate agent. We had a lot of dealings with him at work through the conveyancing department. He was about five feet ten and had light brown wavy hair and blue eyes. I warmed to him immediately and eventually, he came and sat beside me for a chat.
"What can I get you to drink?"
"A white wine please," I said, happy to receive his attention so promptly.
"Why don't you all come and join us," he said as he turned to face me, "and Helen, I'd love you to sit next to me."
I was slightly hesitant as I hadn't actually talked to a man on a personal level since losing Paul. "Okay," I said as I moved to the other table.
Steve sat down and moved closer towards me. "So what do you like doing in your spare time?"
"Oh, I go to the gym twice a week as I like to keep fit."
A smile crossed his face. "Me too, I'm a member of a squash club and play a couple of times a week."
I paused and took a sip of my drink. "I really love horse riding, although I haven't got my own horse yet."
He looked at me intently. "That's amazing, I love it too. My parents have got a small farm and they keep two horses. I usually ride every weekend and any other chance I get."
"You're so lucky to have your own horses," I said with excitement.
I was extremely flattered by all this attention, especially from a younger, good-looking man, but at the same time, I felt rather shy and nervous. Just before we were due back at work, he floored me with his next question.
"Shall we exchange phone numbers?" he asked as he reached into his pocket and got out his mobile phone.
I paused as various thoughts shot through my mind. Did I really want to do this? What would it lead to and could I handle it? I had to give an answer as he watched me and waited.
"Is it okay if we do it next time, as I've really got to rush back to work," I said as I reached for my handbag.
"Sure," he said, looking slightly disappointed.
I got up quickly, shortly followed by all of my workmates. We said our goodbyes and headed for the door. Once outside, I felt relieved as we walked back to the office. I needed time to think. Was I ready to get involved with another man, and did I really want to anyway?
I asked myself that question a thousand times over the next few days, contemplating what he'd said. It had been nearly seventeen years since I'd dated anyone, so I felt very nervous about it. Still, I had a few days to think about it over the weekend, which I did and in fact I could hardly think of anything else.
On Monday, I thought I would ask one of my colleagues, Tom, about Steve as he was also a member of the squash club. I knocked on his door and went into his office during a break.
"Tom, have you got a moment?"
"Sure," he said, looking slightly surprised.
I pulled over a chair and sat down opposite him. "I wondered if you could tell me a bit more about Steve as I know you play squash with him at the club."
"Yes," he nodded, "I do know him quite well. He's a great guy."
"Do you know if he's married or got any children?"
"No, he's never been married or had any children. He's had various girlfriends and lived with a woman for a couple of years and although it hadn't worked out, they'd stayed friends. I haven't heard a bad word about him and I've always found him great fun to be with and totally down to earth. Why do you ask?"
"Well I met him at the pub the other day and he asked for my number so I thought I would check him out before I went any further."
We talked for a few minutes more and then I returned to my desk feeling pleased. It seemed he really was a genuinely nice guy and my first impression about him had been right.
As it turned out, Sophie, our receptionist, was off sick with flu and Jeff, one of the legal clerks, had gone on holiday for a week to Spain, so it was suggested that we put off going to the pub until they got back. I didn't let on to anyone, but this was a huge help to me and I now had more breathing space to think about the situation with Steve.
Life went on as usual during that period and Ben had his friends round on his birthday for a sleepover and we had a big pizza delivery. They had a great time watching videos and playing with all their gadgets. When I asked the kids about possibly getting together with Steve I was surprised how laid back about it they were. I was so proud of them putting me first and thinking of my happiness.
The following day was parents' evening at the school. Jamie's best subject was French, and Ben's was art, but they were both sporty and loved football and swimming. I was very pleased with their progress, in spite of the absence of their father, and felt very proud of how well they were coping.
***
One week later, both Sophie and Jeff were back at work, and we were due to go for our regular drink that lunchtime. I was a
bit apprehensive as we set off, but I thought I'd just go with the flow, and see what happened. There was always the possibility that Steve had changed his mind or just forgotten about it, so I thought what will be, will be.
I was quite excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and hoped no one noticed I had taken a little bit more care over my appearance that day. I had a new outfit on and shoes and had visited the hairdressers the previous day, so I felt quietly confident, but nervous, as we walked into the pub.
He was there, looking tanned and fit as he smiled and waved. He immediately got up and dashed over to us. We all got our drinks and went to sit down in the usual corner.
"It's great to see you again, I missed you last week," he said.
I raised my eyebrows and smiled at him. "Two of my colleagues were away so we were a bit busy and couldn't come."
He laughed. "Oh, I see. I thought you were trying to avoid me."
"No it's true, I wouldn't do a thing like that," I said reassuringly.
He leant back in his chair and relaxed. "Well it's great that you're here now."
"So what have you been up to then?" I asked.
"I've been down to the farm looking after the horses and I wondered if you'd like to come with me this weekend. We could go for a nice long ride."
I beamed with excitement. "I'd love to, that would be perfect."
He moved in closer and put his arm round the back of my chair. "Well, why don't I pick you up on Saturday morning about eleven?"
I looked into his eyes. "That sounds great."
"Shall we have another drink then now that's settled?" he asked as he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"You're not backward in coming forward are you?" I joked. "I'd love another, thanks."
We exchanged numbers and I gave him my address, and then headed back to the office with the others. I felt more relaxed and happy than I had in a long time. It felt so right, and once again, my life was about to change out of all recognition forever.
I seemed to have a permanent smile on my face. Everything was new and bright and the world was a wonderful place again. I was floating on air, light, carefree and young again. Was I falling for this guy?
As I lay in bed that night, I thought of Steve and could think of nothing else. He made me feel so good about myself, and as I drifted off to sleep, it occurred to me that I hadn't thought about Paul for quite some time.
***
I was thrilled to be on a horse again.
"I'll race you to that tree," said Steve as he pointed into the distance.
"You're on," I cried grabbing the reins and we galloped off across the fields jumping over the hedges.
Inevitably, Steve was winning as I was a bit rusty. He reached the big old oak tree first and had jumped off his horse just as I arrived. He grabbed hold of me and we fell on the floor together laughing.
"You look really beautiful," he said as he held me in his arms and gave me our first proper kiss on the mouth.
The horses were gently grazing as we lay looking up at the blue cloudless sky.
"That was exhilarating, I haven't felt so alive for ages. It must be the effect you're having on me," he said as he stroked my hair.
I turned to look him in the eyes. "Me too," I said softly.
We stayed there for a while embracing, enjoying the moment and the feel of each other's warm bodies close together.
After a while we parted and then got back on the horses.
"Now I'll race you back," I said flicking the hair out of my eyes.
I tried to get a head start on Steve. I don't know if he let me but I reached the stable first and won. We stabled the horses and went into the farmhouse to make some tea.
After spending the afternoon at the farm looking at all of the animals, Steve took me to a lovely Italian restaurant where we had an excellent meal. It was a great end to wonderful day.
***
The next five months were a whirlwind with Steve. That first date was really romantic and it will always be a special memory for me. I didn't sleep with him until the third date and it was a complete revelation, after all, it was nearly four years since I'd been with my husband and I'd completely forgotten how enjoyable it could be. I realised that making love with your husband was nothing compared to having a new lover. A husband was safe and comfy, but a new man could take you to new heights of passion, and Steve was certainly capable of that.
The boys also got along well with Steve and I think they were glad to have a man about the house again. They'd kick a ball around in the back garden, cook on the barbecue together and play video games. Steve lived on the top floor of a modern block of flats in the center of town, like a penthouse flat with a small terrace, which the boys loved to visit as they'd never been in a place like that before.
By now, I was attracting attention from other men as well. In particular, there was a guy at the gym who always made a point of talking to me if we were both there at the same time. Although I thought I was in love with Steve, it was still very flattering being chatted up by someone else.
It was around this time that I also met a new girlfriend called Jenny who I had a lot in common with. She was single, having divorced her husband who'd ran off with a 22 year old, and she had two young daughters. We started going shopping together and I really enjoyed my time with her.
I did notice one thing about Steve which I found a little bit unnerving and confusing. He seemed compelled to flirt with every barmaid or waitress, and even though he was with me, he would exchange banter or pay compliments to them, which I found a little embarrassing.
One night, we walked into a pub and he immediately approached a woman sitting at the bar and gave her a peck on the check. I had never seen her before but he obviously knew her and he made no attempt to introduce me. She appeared to be alone and I just thought it was strange. I didn't take issue with him over it as I didn't want to cause an argument in front of everyone. I tried hard to brush my feelings aside and ignore it, but each time it happened, which it did everywhere we went, it made me cringe a bit more.
I didn't know what, if anything, I could do about it, and I certainly didn't want to bring it up with Steve and possibly have a row, which we hadn't had, as yet. I was upset about this trait in his character, but it seemed automatic with him, that whenever even a remotely attractive female was in front of him, he would behave in this way. I told myself to stop being so insecure and stupid and remained silent on the subject, but I certainly felt my infatuation for him diminishing each time it happened. I guess he just wasn't sensitive enough to realise how it made me feel, and he carried on, regardless.
So it was at this point that I started to spend more and more time with Jenny, going shopping and out to lunch and even taking the kids to the park together. She was really good company and the boys liked her girls, even though they were younger and didn't want to play football!
Being divorced, Jenny was not quite so well off as we were, but she had a part-time job in a clothes shop and got a staff discount on all of the clothing and shoes that she bought which was a great help. She was great at managing money, far better than I was, and we saw each other nearly every day which I really enjoyed.
Steve did realise that I was cooling off, as I only saw him once a week now, and he asked me what was wrong. I made various excuses, saying how busy I was with Jenny and the children, but could not bring myself to tell him the real reason and I suppose I felt a little ashamed for him. But if he couldn't figure it out for himself, then it was just too bad.
One day, I invited Jenny and the girls over for the whole weekend, and dropped Steve out completely.
"Look Helen, please tell me why you're doing this. I thought we had a great thing going together. I just don't understand what the problem is," he said over the phone.
"I'm sorry Steve, but I just don't want to get in too deep with anyone right now, it's been too fast for me. I need to broaden my horizons and go out on my own and just enjoy my fre
edom," I replied, hoping he'd get the message.
There was what seemed like a long silence after this, until he said, "Well, all right then, I just wish I knew what was going on with you. Perhaps we can talk when we see each other in the pub," and with that, the call ended. I felt bad about it, but if he couldn't control his stupid impulses, what could I do about it.
I opened a bottled of wine and sat at the kitchen table with Jenny. "When's the last time you've been out with anyone?"
"God, I can't even remember. I've met no one since my husband left me," she said wistfully.
I poured her a glass of wine. "Well I think it's about time we went out and had some fun."
She looked at me with excitement. "You're dead right. What a great idea."
Jenny and I decided to hit the town that night and visit as many pubs as we could find. She was a few years younger than me, but I was always told I looked much younger than my age so I thought we looked good together. In fact, we were sometimes asked if we were sisters!
Jamie was old enough to babysit Ben and the girls and was quite happy to do so, and they all thought it was a great idea for us to go out and have some fun. It was all innocent enough and we were like two young girls as we tried on our different outfits. Jenny had lovely clothes anyway from where she worked, and I'd kitted myself out quite well as I often went shopping. I was amazed at how quickly I was forgetting about Steve, and when the boys asked about him, I just said I was backing off a bit, which they happily accepted.
We decided to do a pub crawl, and walked into town, going into the first of the numerous pubs that were there. It was packed and very loud music was playing, so we had to shout our order over the bar. We both loved wine, but felt it best to have Spritzers so that we could last longer. That was just as well, as the night turned out to be longer than we thought.
The Long Dream Page 2