by Claire Adams
"Have you eaten already?" he asked me.
"Mm-hmm, while you were still asleep," I teased him. "We're losing daylight, Stone. We need to get on the water."
"Is snorkeling one of those things you have to do in the morning or else all the fish are gone or something?"
"No. I just wish you liked hanging out with me as much as you liked to hang out here," I said.
"You should just stay here with me then," he said, putting the cup down and holding my hand, pulling me back onto the bed with him. I giggled, falling into his lap.
"If only you were this excited to get out once in a while," I said, feeling his penis against my hip. "Come on, have something to eat so we can leave." I kissed him and wriggled off of his lap. He sighed and had his coffee, asking me to eat with him.
"I'm sure I'll love it," he said, eating a piece of toast.
"It's incredible. It's like visiting another planet," I gushed.
"I don't think I've met anyone who was this excited about fish before," he laughed.
"It's not just fish, it's everything. Turtles, coral, mollusks," I said. He was smiling, nodding patiently.
"They all sound delicious," he said. I frowned at him, making him laugh.
There was just something about the bottom of the ocean. It felt like being inside another universe or being in a beautiful picture or photograph. It was this beauty that seemed like it wasn't real, even when you were looking at it with your own eyes.
He had a shower and finally got dressed. We were lucky because the resort was right on the marine reserve. The water was perfect and clear and always full of life, we didn't have to go any further than Hulopoe Beach, the one he could see from his suite.
On one hand, I was running out of things that I could show him around the island, but on the other, I was getting to be with him when he experienced so many things for the first time.
I loved being the one who got to give him that. It was sort of dumb to think he would never have in his life if it wasn't for me. This was one vacation out of his whole life, but so much had changed for him already. It felt like this was him starting over, and I was getting to be with him as he did.
We were out on the beach, on board the excursion catamaran that was going to take us on a day-long ride around the bay, stopping at various snorkel sites where we could explore the reefs.
Some of the other guests were on the trip in the boat, and Nate was relaxed the whole time, talking to them, laughing, making conversation. This was a new man. Sitting next to him, feeling him hold my hand when I slid it into his, I felt like I was getting the guy he was when he was relaxed, happy, and sober.
I loved the change I had seen in him, not because it made me happy per se, but because he laughed so much easier and felt so much freer – like he was getting what he had come to Lanai to get.
The water was pretty warm since it was summer. I had worried a little that maybe he would be the type that didn't like open water or didn't like swimming, but he wasn't. The only thing I regretted about choosing snorkeling was that we couldn't talk at the same time as being under water.
It was beautiful, of course, as I had predicted. He stayed close to me the entire time, asking how I liked it and making sure I was having a good time, like I wasn't the one who had brought him out today. It felt like a date. We had been out on them before, but both times had been a little more private. The dinner we had had in the city was just us, he had rented out an entire restaurant, and the time at my house we were with Keno and Makani, two of my closest friends.
It felt like we were going public, sort of. It was dumb. I had never done this with anyone before. I didn't know if I was supposed to be feeling this giddy and happy with him, but I was and I didn't want it to stop. He would hold my hand or put his arm around me, kiss me. I hoped that meant it wasn't just me who was feeling like this. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but I didn't have a lot of other options to call this besides love.
It was only around four in the afternoon when we sailed back to the dock. We had spent the day together, and I still didn't want it to end. He had held my hand helping me off the catamaran and still hadn't let go. We walked slowly on the beach, fingers laced together.
"Did you want to do anything this evening?" I asked him.
"There's more?"
"There's your suite or my house," I suggested, inviting him over.
"Your place is closer. Did I leave anything behind the last time I was over?" he asked.
I smiled to myself. The only reason why he would ask something like that was if he was planning on staying the night. We walked the short stretch to my house and took turns under the shower. He was standing with a towel wrapped around his waist at my small bookshelf, looking at something when I came out of the shower.
"Abby?" he said. I was grabbing some clothes out of my closet.
"Hmm?"
"What the hell?" he said. I turned and saw him holding a CD. His CD. Well, his band's CD. Their first independent record. He didn't really sound mad, just surprised. "You didn't tell me you were a fan."
"You didn't need to hear that from me. I'm sure people always tell you they listen to your stuff," I said, pulling a tank top and shorts on.
"I would have actually wanted to know. Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. I walked over to him with a pair of his underwear that had gotten left here during one of his visits.
"Would that have changed the way that you spoke to me?"
"Probably," he said honestly.
"That was why. I didn't want you to care that I was a fan. You were on vacation. You didn't need to have to watch your back and be paranoid about what I wanted whenever I would speak to you or if I would try to steal your stuff and sell it on eBay."
"What's your favorite track?" he asked. I smirked looking up at him.
"They were all a little blah. Not really my thing," I said, dismissively. He laughed, sensing that I was making fun of him.
"As long as you like this record more than the second one, you're good," he said, sitting on my bed. I joined him.
"What's wrong with the second one?"
"Did you listen to it?" he asked. I nodded.
"Didn't it sound a little off to you?"
"It sounded different," I supplied.
"That was because it was our first with a major label. What they don't tell you when you work with them is that they care more about the money than the records they're making. They make music that they can sell. They produced the hell out of our sound. They rewrote lyrics, chopped up tracks, and changed the music. They did a hack job on my songs."
"That's why you left?"
"One of the reasons. I want to make the stuff that I care about, you know? Yeah, the music industry doesn't exist unless people are buying music, but shouldn't you care about the music you actually make? Make something that you aren't ashamed to ask people to pay for?"
"You don't have to work in the industry if you don't like it," I said.
"That's the thing. I do, at least some parts of it. I love the collaboration, creativity, the people who are really artists, whose music comes from somewhere real... I like that."
"Then make your own music on your own terms," I suggested. "You're a talented musician, and you're passionate. That has to be more than a lot of people already working in the industry even have."
"You really think I could do it?" he asked. I nodded vigorously. He smiled. "I was talking to my dad a while ago, and he was telling me something similar."
"You should take his advice," I said.
"He said I needed to take this time off to think about what I wanted but I think I've known what I wanted all along."
I sighed a little. Time off, he said. That was what this was for him. He was going back at some point. A desperate thought flashed through my head, a frantic what if. What if he could stay? No, Abby, I thought. Get a grip; he had a life before he came here, and it's waiting for him back in LA.
"You want a solo career?" I asked, s
napping out of my fantasy.
"I want to write my own stuff. If I collaborate, I want to do it with people I trust, who aren't fucking leeches trying to make as much money as they can on worthless noise."
"You've always wanted to make music, haven't you?" I asked. He smiled like he was remembering something.
"My first memories of being alive involve music. Music was the way my mom and I used to bond. It was the thing I felt was mine. All the best times of my life were set to music. Notes and melodies just made sense to me," he said.
I could hear the passion in his voice. I couldn't imagine how fulfilling making music was for him, but I was happy there was something that shone so bright in his life.
That was why he had to go back to LA. He would be miserable any other way. I would be miserable without him, but some things in life were replaceable. Others weren't. I fought what I was feeling to be happy for him.
"Guess your dad was right then," I said lightly.
"Guess he was."
I made sandwiches for us to eat at dinner and we ended up turning in fairly early. He was asleep before I was, pressed into my back with his arm around my waist. I laced our fingers together and snuggled harder into him.
How much longer would I be able to do that? I had to remind myself every day to focus on the present with Nate, but with the end in sight, it was getting harder and harder to do.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Nate
My phone was ringing. What fucking time was it? It was so early in the morning. I opened my eyes and saw Abby's sleeping body beside mine. I turned and looked at the bedside table where my phone was, next to the lamp. I slid out of the bed so I didn't wake her and went to the bathroom. Today was one of those rare mornings I seemed to be up first.
I squinted at the number, but didn't know whose it was. I put the phone to my ear, closing the bathroom door.
"Hello?" I asked, clearing my throat.
"Nate Stone?" the person asked. I frowned.
"Yeah?"
"My name is Wes Barry. I've been trying to reach you for weeks. I'm a producer here in LA." I narrowed my eyes.
"Well, you found me. What do you want?"
"I know some of the guys who worked on your last record," he said. "I was wondering if we could talk."
"What the fuck about?" I asked, running the water and splashing some on my face. I heard Wes Barry laugh over the phone.
"Everyone's talking about you, Nate. You wouldn't believe the rumors they're telling about you."
"If the rumor is that I ran away to Hawai'i to join a cult and I'm never coming back, they're true."
"I wanted to hear it from you, Nate. Are you ever going back to Remus?" he asked.
"Why do you care?"
"Because I think the answer is no. And if that is the case, I have an offer for you – if you're interested, of course." An offer, huh?
"What kind of offer?" I asked.
"Your own music, however you want it. I know your sound and I like it. I know what I heard off your second album with your band and that wasn't it."
"So what do you want to do about that?"
"I want to sell your music. I have a contract here for you I think you'll really like. Tell me where to send it and you can have it by tonight."
"I'm not looking at offers right now."
"You'll want to see this, Nate."
"How many records would I owe you?"
"How many do you want to give me?"
"Stop bullshitting."
"No bullshit, Nate," he said.
This sounded too good to be true. I wasn't about to make the same mistake that I had with Remus again with this guy. Even though I hadn't gotten out of my thing with Remus yet, I was interested in what this guy was saying. This could be my out. I was sure at this point that I was making music in the future – yes, one hundred percent – but it was not going to be with Remus. They could kiss my ass. I was done.
"I hope you didn't call me to hear a yes from me immediately," I said.
"Of course not. I can send you the contract and you can tell me what you think. Take your time," he said. I knew what that meant in music, and it didn't mean take your time. It meant get back to us before we lose interest and sign someone who's easier to work with than you.
"Awesome, I guess," I said.
"I'll be in touch," Wes Barry said before he hung up.
I looked at the phone. Now was as good a time as any to start thinking about my next move. It was just sort of unexpected, and it sounded like there might have been a catch. I was just talking about this with Abby, maybe it was a sign, but I wasn't dumb enough to go into it headfirst without making sure it wasn't another sham contract that would trap me into something I didn't want.
I walked back into the bathroom and saw Abby standing with her back to me, getting dressed.
"Morning, babe," I said, walking over and kissing her.
"I was wondering where you were. Was that your record company on the phone?" she asked.
"No, it was another producer," I said vaguely.
"He made you an offer? I heard, Nate, you can tell me."
"He's sending me a contract to look at for a deal I can start when I go back to LA."
"That's great. That is what you wanted, wasn't it?" she asked.
"It's good news, but I have to look at the contract first. I can't just sign it."
"But he's giving you what you want, right? A way to make your own music, exactly how you want?"
"If he really meant what he said, yeah." She smiled sadly.
"Then you're going to take it. You're going to start working with him when you go back to LA."
"I might, but that won't happen for a while, Abby."
"Tomorrow, in a few weeks, does it make a difference?" she asked.
"You're upset," I said.
"I'm happy for you, Nate. This is what you wanted."
"But it's not what you wanted."
"I want you to be happy," she said, walking past me into the bathroom. I heard the water running and the sound of her brushing her teeth.
It was getting real now. We couldn't pretend that my life in LA didn't exist anymore. I didn't want it to end either, but she was a lot more upset about what was happening than I was.
I walked over to the bathroom doorway, looking at her reflection in the mirror.
"Come with me," I said. She was patting her face dry with a towel. She turned to look at me.
"Come with you where?"
"To LA. This doesn't have to end when I have to go. You can come with me. We can stay together."
"I can't leave the island, Nate."
"Why not?"
"I've built a life here. I have no real family left; the people here are my family. There's a reason why I came to Lanai and not Oahu or the Big Island. Nobody knows about what happened to me here. They know me as Abby Terrell; they have no idea that I'm that girl from Texas – and I need it that way. I can't be back in a place where everyone wants something from me because they know about my past."
"We can get a place outside LA, and I can just go for work," I said. She shook her head.
"We have different homes and that's okay," she said. "It's not over yet; let's not worry about what we can't change. I don't want to spend the rest of the time we have together worrying," she said. She walked over and kissed me on the cheek before leaving.
How long has this been on her mind? I thought. Obviously longer than it had been on mine. I was the one leaving her after all. Why didn't she want to come with me, though?
There was long distance, I guess, but that wouldn't have been the same. I couldn't wake up next to her if we were long distance. That wasn't okay. I didn't want to give up on what we had because of the offer, but when the hell was something like this going to happen again?
I could stay here. That was an option, right? I'd have Abby, but what else? Would the offer still stand? Would they give me a contract even if I didn't live close enough for it to be conveni
ent? I didn't want to live here and be traveling back to LA all the time anyway. What the hell would be the point if I stayed here to be with her, but never saw her?
I needed to get out of here. I wasn't figuring anything out on my own. There was only one person I could talk to about this besides Abby. By now, I basically knew that I could count on finding him at the bar when I needed to talk. I'd miss that when I had to leave. I didn't have any people I could really count on in LA. If anyone was left over from when I was using, I didn't want to be in contact with them anyway.
Keno waved from the bar as I approached.
"Hey, man," I said, sitting down.
"Hey. You haven't needed a drink from me in a while. What’s up?" he asked. I laughed.
"It's not that bad yet," I said.
"What happened?"
"Summer's almost over," I said.
"You're upset about that? Is it Abby?"
"Of course it's Abby. It's like we can't pretend anymore that I'm not leaving. I think she's becoming distant since she thinks she's losing me."
"Can you blame her?" he asked. I sighed, irritated.
"I told her I didn't want to break up."
"What are you going to do? Stay? Are you going to make her do long distance?"
"I told her she could come with me."
"You don't even have to tell me what she said. The fact that you're here now tells me everything I need to know."
"She doesn't want to leave Lanai," I said.
"A lot of people who live here never want to leave. I don't know that much about how she got here, but I know she has nobody on the mainland to go back to."
"She'd have me," I complained.
"That’s not enough, brother; she still wouldn't be home. Why do you want her to go with you? Why can't you stay?"
"I got an offer from a producer in LA for a new deal," I said. "If I take it, I can't stay here, I have to leave, but I don't want to leave her behind."
"You gotta choose," he said gravely.
"I don't want to choose. That's like asking me which one of my lungs I'd rather lose, left or right. I can't see a life in LA without music, but I can't see it without Abby, either."