Allelujah!

by Alan Bennett

  Valentine Possibly. It may never happen. People get hauled in now and again so it’s as well to be prepared. I’m just hoping they may’ve forgotten me. It’s not a problem.

  Ambrose Oh, incidentally, one of my old pupils has promised to look me up …

  Valentine I know. Don’t worry. I’ll alert them at Reception.

  He is pushing Ambrose off.

  Mr Jessop died this morning.

  Ambrose That’s rather rude.

  Valentine Why?

  Ambrose Didn’t he realise there’s a queue?

  As they leave, Andy pushes on Joe in a wheelchair.

  Andy There you are.

  Joe And? Is that it?

  Andy This is Fatima Whitbread. Somebody’s supposed to come and wash you.

  Joe Not you?

  Andy No fear. I’m just work experience.

  Joe Yesterday’s lad had a cig. He passed the time of day. Gave me a drag.

  Andy It’s no smoking.

  Joe So? Live a little. Your mind’s not on this.

  Andy On what?

  Joe Experiencing work.

  Andy It’s boring.

  Joe Well, that’s one lesson you’ve learned. Work is boring. Tell me about your life.

  Andy I’m young. I haven’t had one yet.

  Joe Well, you see, now that you bring it up, I have. I’ve met several members of the Royal Family for a start. Only the lower levels, I admit. The ones that are in the background when they’re all on the balcony. And on one never-to-be-forgotten occasion, in Batley of all places, I opened the door for Michael Parkinson, who thanked me personally.

  Have you had sexual intercourse?

  Andy Yeah. Loads of times.

  Joe What do you reckon to it?

  Andy It’s alright.

  Joe So do you want to feel my foot?

  Andy Your foot? It wouldn’t be top of my list.

  Joe Not in a sexual way. Clinically. I’ve no feeling in it and I have to keep checking it’s not returned. The lad yesterday was gearing up to do it, only then he had a call on his mobile.

  Andy I bet he did.

  Joe You could wear rubber gloves. In fact, I’d prefer it if you did.

  Andy Listen. I couldn’t feel your foot even if I wanted to. Health and Safety.

  Talking of which, can you sign this?

  He gives Joe a form.

  You have to sign to say I’ve been satisfactory. I have to have your signature or I can’t go up to the next level.

  Joe Well you haven’t been, have you? Satisfactory.

  Andy Just sign the fucker.

  Joe ‘Did the trainee attend to the requirements of the patient?’ No, you bloody didn’t.

  On a scale of one to five. Excellent. Good. Average. Poor. Poooor. I’m an unsatisfied customer. And we’re all customers now.

  Gilchrist comes in with her trolley. A Healthcare Assistant helps her transfer Joe from his chair to a bed.

  (To Gilchrist.) That’s not me, that mark. I don’t leave marks on the floor. Or anywhere else. It’ll be a woman made that mark. Else a kiddy. I don’t leave marks. When I’ve been in a place, there’s no evidence I’ve ever been there. I want it writing down. I don’t want it on my slate.

  Andy I can’t see no mark.

  Joe Because you’re not a professional. Someone with qualifications.

  Talking of which, I’m one of the aristocracy here. I can wipe my own bottom. Can’t I?

  Gilchrist You can. Good morning, Joe.

  Joe Don’t ‘good morning’ me.

  Gilchrist is preparing the washing things when Colin comes in, still wheeling the bike.

  Colin Hello, Dad.

  Joe I’m not your dad.

  You? My son? Got up like that? Come on.

  Colin So who am I?

  Joe That’s your problem. Somebody they’ve sent round. Some joker. They must think I’m barmy.

  Gilchrist Not good today, I’m afraid. He’s got an infection.

  Joe I never have.

  Gilchrist How would you know?

  Andy Nice bike.

  Colin Do you want a go?

  Andy gets on the bike.

  Joe My son works in London and he wasn’t a bit like you.

  Andy Hey, look: ‘No cycling in the hospital precincts’.

  Joe Not to put too fine a point on it, you look like a nancy.

  Colin So is that a problem?

  Joe Who for? Not for me. It might be a problem for you. Carry on claiming you’re my son and looking like that and I’d belt you.

  Gilchrist He’s having a bad day.

  Colin Dad, I’m your son

  Gilchrist pulls a screen round the bed.

  Gilchrist I’m going to take your trousers off.

  Joe Of course you are. That’s what your sort always does.

  Andy I’ll go wait outside.

  He goes to the other side of the screen.

  Gilchrist What are you? Work experience? Well, this is work. This is experience.

  Andy I don’t want to see his willy.

  Gilchrist Nor do I, particularly.

  Joe No danger. These days it’s swelling the ranks of the unemployed.

  Gilchrist You going to be a nurse?

  Andy No fear. Computers.

  I’ve given him my form but he won’t sign it.

  Gilchrist It’s not important.

  Andy I thought forms were important.

  Joe They were important in the pit. Checking who’d come up and who hadn’t – that was important. That’s something else you’ve learned.

  Gilchrist continues the bed bath.

  Gilchrist Could you help me?

  Colin is plainly reluctant and turns his head away so he doesn’t see his dad’s nakedness. Joe doesn’t like it either, and he struggles.

  Joe No, no. Get off me.

  Colin Where’s the tea place?

  Andy Down the corridor.

  Colin Do you want some?

  Joe Not from you. I don’t know you.

  Colin goes.

  Hey. You, whatever your name is, you could have that bike. Nobody would know. Clear off with it. I wouldn’t tell. And anyway I’m daft.

  This one wouldn’t say, would you?

  Has anybody warned you about women?

  Andy We’ve had talks about men.

  Joe It’s women you’ve got to watch. One stopped me the other day. Cracked on she was selling flags. Flags! She must have been sixty if she was a day. I said you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  Gilchrist takes no notice of this monologue as she washes him.

  Ow.

  Gilchrist Sorry.

  Andy He’s rude.

  Gilchrist He’s old. He’s on tablets. Take no notice.

  Joe Mind you, this one likes me. Do you know why? Because I don’t do it in my trousers. Isn’t that so?

  Gilchrist Well, it’s not because of your qualities of mind or your occasionally malodorous feet.

  Joe I’m very good in that respect.

  Gilchrist The feet?

  Joe No. The lav. That’s why I’ve lasted so long.

  Gilchrist takes no notice as Colin returns.

  Colin Out of order.

  Joe Oh hello, Colin. Haven’t seen you for a bit. To what do we owe the pleasure? I’ve just had a feller in here claiming he was you. A nancy. I said if he were my son I’d leather him. What must his mother feel?

  Colin Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe she’s dead.

  Joe Have you bought me aught? Nothing? Not even a grape?

  Colin I couldn’t think of anything you’d want.

  Joe A clean vest. When I was in once before, that’s what your mam always brought. She was a good ’un.

  What’re you got up like that for?

  Colin I came on my bike.

  Joe Oh, this lad’s got a bike. Where from?

  Colin London.

  Joe If you’re a civil servant, why aren’t you in a suit? I tell people you’re chauffeur-driven.


  Colin It’s the Minister that’s chauffeur-driven. And I’m not a civil servant.

  Gilchrist (having finished) Right. Done. Does that feel better?

  Joe A bit.

  Gilchrist So what do we say?

  Joe We don’t say anything. It’s your job.

  Colin Dad.

  Joe mutters something.

  Gilchrist I didn’t hear it. You don’t say it, you don’t get something else.

  She has taken out her iPhone.

  Joe I am obliged to you, Sister Gilchrist, for washing me. We had showers in the pit. Not that you’d know that.

  Gilchrist Good. Now …

  Joe Not yet. I want the lav. Take me to the lav, please.

  Gilchrist Do you want to take him?

  Colin No. I don’t.

  Andy And I’m not.

  Joe I can wipe my own bottom.

  Gilchrist Yes, well we must be thankful for small mercies.

  She wheels him out, leaving Andy and Colin.

  Colin So who are you, pushing my dad around? A trainee?

  Andy No fear. Work experience. What do you do?

  Colin I’m a management consultant.

  Andy Like a civil servant?

  Colin Better.

  Andy Got up like that?

  Colin I cycle. I’ve won races. You like it here?

  Andy The hospital?

  Colin The town.

  Andy It’s where I live. I’ve never been anywhere else. What’s London like?

  Colin Beats this.

  Andy Clubs and that?

  Colin Clubs. Food. Everything.

  Colin gives him a card.

  If you find yourself down there, give me a call.

  Andy You don’t know me.

  Colin No. Let’s say you strike a chord.

  Gilchrist wheels Joe back in as Andy rides out on the bike.

  I was born here. I know what it’s like.

  Joe Now for the floor show.

  That’s why we get on. I sing out.

  Gilchrist You’re a model.

  Joe The doctor says I’ve got the prostate of a twenty-year-old.

  Gilchrist Right.

  Gilchrist plugs her iPhone into some speakers. It plays dance music as she levers Joe out of his chair.

  MUSIC: ‘Love and Marriage’.

  He dances with her in a beautiful olde-tyme dancing way. As they dance –

  Colin He can’t walk but he can dance still.

  Gilchrist It happens.

  Joe You’re champion at this. Though it’s old-fashioned.

  Gilchrist That’s why I like it.

  Joe You were never tempted by disco?

  Gilchrist With a chair at home? How?

  Joe Pick of the partners here. Nobody dances like me. His mother never liked dancing.

  Colin She didn’t like you dancing. She liked you singing.

  Joe He can sing, our Colin. Voice like an angel. Go on, sing.

  He collapses as the camera crew plus Salter appear.

  Salter Sister Gilchrist.

  Gilchrist Too late. You’ve just missed Lionel Blair.

  Salter This is what we’re looking for.

  Alex gives a thumbs up.

  (To camera.) This woman (i.e. Gilchrist) does more for this hospital than its most dedicated surgeon. ‘One of the old school,’ people say. Do you know what I say? I say, ‘Thank God for it.’ We are fortunate in this hospital still to have our geriatric ward. Other keynote hospitals have long since hived them off. We cherish ours, as we cherish our Sister Gilchrist. (To Gilchrist.) Have you got a philosophy when it comes to old people?

  Gilchrist No different from babies. The first priority is to keep them clean. And I don’t mean clean as masked by air freshener … Pine Fragrance, Forest Glade … because you know that underneath there is the smell of urine – can I say that? – whereas I like my wards to smell of fresh air or smell of nothing at all.

  Will that do?

  Salter (to camera) Outspoken, perhaps, but a treasure.

  (To Andy.) Oi. You.

  They move the bed.

  (Ushering out the camera crew.) Trust Sister Gilchrist.

  Beds in apple pie order

  Apple pie in apple pie order. No dribbles.

  Joan Collins, Shirley Bassey, neat, sweet-smelling and above all clean.

  Colin and Joe are left.

  Awkward silence.

  Joe Your Auntie Violet came last week.

  Colin Yeah?

  Joe Just put her head round the door.

  Colin You should have taken her picture.

  Joe What for?

  Colin She died three years ago.

  Joe You don’t like this place, do you? They told me. London wants to close it down.

  Colin Maybe.

  Joe I tell you, it’s a sight better than the care home – The Cedars. They were all barmy. Here it’s only some of them. And it was only with my chest being bad that I got in here.

  Colin They say you’ll be a lot better, once this infection’s cleared up.

  Joe I don’t want to be better. Better means back to the care home. I don’t know why I had to be put anywhere.

  Colin Dad. You’ve forgotten. After Mam died, you couldn’t look after yourself. Else you wouldn’t. You didn’t wash. You didn’t eat. You used to wander the streets.

  Joe I used to wander the streets? You were the one who used to wander the fucking streets. It didn’t get you put in a home. It ought to have got you arrested. It’s what killed your mam.

  Colin It never was. It was coping with you.

  Valentine approaches.

  Joe Go away, you. You wouldn’t understand this. This is father and son. Private.

  Valentine Sorry. Sorry.

  Joe Stuck in here with a load of old lasses. It’s just lucky I’m easy to get on with.

  Do you still do that?

  Colin What?

  Joe Go out on patrol. Walk the streets.

  Colin No.

  Joe Found what you were looking for?

  Pause.

  I’d something to tell you.

  Pause.

  Gone.

  When I was in here years ago with appendicitis, I was on Mountbatten Ward. This time they put me on Dusty Springfield. So don’t tell me there’s been no progress. Oh, that’s it.

  That woman. The nurse. Gilchrist.

  Colin She likes you … God knows why.

  Joe I’ll tell you why. It’s because, when I want to go, I sing out. With her, it’s a religion. (He becomes furtive.) I’ll tell you something else an’ all.

  Colin Dad, if it’s stuff about women, I don’t want to know.

  Andy has come in, still on the bike.

  Joe Listen, I was a tally man down the pit. I know about keeping tabs and I’ve watched her … You’ve got to keep on the right side of her and I’ll tell you for why –

  Colin Dad. I won’t listen. You’re poorly.

  Can you take him back?

  Joe No. I haven’t finished.

  Colin (calling after them) I’ll come in later on.

  Andy pushes Joe off past Valentine, who, seeing the coast is clear, now approaches.

  Valentine Alright, Joe?

  Joe Bugger off.

  Valentine We haven’t met.

  Colin No. Colin Colman. (Peering at his name tag.) Doctor …

  Valentine Valentine.

  Colin Unusual name.

  Valentine My actual name is Valiyaveetil. I changed it because nobody could pronounce it.

  Colin When was that?

  Valentine When they let me in.

  Colin Lucky.

  Valentine Why?

  Colin Much harder these days. Still, you’re doing a good job.

  Valentine I hope so.

  Colin Though I wouldn’t have thought that geriatrics was overcrowded.

  Valentine I like old people. Your father’s very proud of you. My son the civil servant.

  Colin News to me.

  Va
lentine That’s fathers.

  Colin And I’m not a civil servant. I just work in Whitehall.

  Valentine Any news re the closure?

  Colin If there is, nobody has told me.

  Suddenly, there is uproar. Shouting. Valentine pushes Colin out of the way as a doctor, Fletcher, rushes through with a terrified patient in a wheelchair.

  Fletcher Back. Back. Out of the fucking way.

  Bed on Shirley Bassey! Bed on Shirley Bassey!

  He rushes the wheelchair across the stage and they disappear. Valentine is unperturbed.

  Valentine One of the innovations that commended itself to your Minister and which we hope went in our favour at the Inquiry was that, here at the Beth, the placement of patients, finding a patient a bed, has, in routine cases, been made the responsibility of the individual doctors. Emergencies, of course, are rather different.

  Colin That looked like an emergency.

  Valentine No, no. And the doctors like it, the young ones particularly.

  It was a brainwave of Mr Salter’s and I gather they’re thinking of wheeling it out for the whole of the NHS. Beds after all are our main problem.

  Colin Tell me about it. And where would that bed be coming from?

  Valentine Geriatrics. Shirley Bassey, Dusty Springfield.

  There’s been a death … And death means a bed.

  Colin Which a larger establishment would probably have anyway.

  Valentine Maybe, But patients love this hospital. It doesn’t scare them as some hospitals do.

  Colin It scares me. We don’t like small.

  Valentine We?

  Colin People like me, who are trying to wrench the NHS on to a sensible footing. We don’t like cosy.

  Valentine Patients do. The cosy, the familiar. Same doctors, same faces. And on our wards in particular, if the doctor is familiar, and perhaps even more the nurse, then death may be less unfamiliar too.

  Colin Cosy is lazy. Cosy means stagnation.

  Valentine Not altogether. Are you familiar with the notion of peristalsis?

  Colin I am not a doctor. I know nothing of medicine. Peri-what?

  Valentine Peristalsis is the involuntary contraction and relaxation of the intestines, whereby the contents of the gut move through the body –