by ML Hamilton
Sneaking past the back of it, he broke into a run and located his car. Pulling open the door, he sank into the seat and sat for a moment, breathing hard, the pounding of his heart fighting for supremacy over the lull of the drug. Slamming the key into the ignition, he started it, threw it in reverse, and peeled out of the parking lot.
The hour-long ride to his parents’ house was spent in wild speculation of what might have happened. Halfway there, he felt the muscle spasms start, particularly in his stomach and across his mid back. He curled an arm around his abdomen and tried to keep his focus on the road.
He parked half in and half out of the driveway, throwing open the door and climbing out. Adam appeared in the doorway, stepping out to greet him. “Come in, Josh,” he said, motioning to the interior.
Joshua hurried into the house. “Where’s Mom?” he demanded, then stumbled to a stop.
His mother and sister were sitting on the couch, holding hands. James was standing beside them. Joshua’s eyes fixed on his mother’s face. She had tears in her eyes and she was looking at him like he’d never seen her look before – as if she was staring at a stranger.
Joshua’s gaze whipped to James. “You son of a bitch,” he said, then turned on his heel, but Adam was blocking the door and he was a lot bigger than Joshua.
“Just calm down, Joshua,” said Adam, holding out a hand. “Let me take a look at you, okay?”
Joshua’s eyes narrowed. “Are you blocking the door, Adam?”
“I want to help you.”
“Help me! Leave me alone.” He shot a look over his shoulder at his mother. “All of you. Stay the hell out of my life! You’re suffocating me!”
“Joshua!” scolded his mother, rising to her feet. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. I want to be left alone.”
“So you can take drugs, son?” asked Adam.
Joshua whirled back to face him. “I’m not your son.”
Adam’s expression hardened. “I’ve raised you most of your life. You are my son. Right now, you’re obviously confused and scared. We can help you. That’s what families do, Josh. Let me take a look at you and we’ll get you the help you need.”
“I don’t want your help!” he shouted. “I want you to leave me alone!”
“Joshua, please,” came Jennifer’s voice and then she took his arm with both of her hands.
Her touch wasn’t rough, but any contact caused pain to spear through Joshua’s arm and into his body. He cried out and hunched over, pulling it from her grasp. The reaction was immediate. Everyone converged on him, wanting to help him. From the corner of his eyes, Joshua saw Adam move away from the door.
He sidestepped them and was beyond his step-father before he could react. The cold air of the night struck him as he hurried down the front porch and toward his car. He could hear his mother begging his step-father to stop him, and he heard Adam’s calm response.
“I’m calling the police. They’ll pick him up and we’ll put him under a psychiatric hold.”
James and Jennifer followed him out of the house, calling to him, but he ignored them. He had to hurry. He wasn’t having the police get involved in this. He rounded the back of the car and pulled open the door, dropping inside. Jennifer ran to the opposite side and banged on the window, but Joshua ignored her, pressing the lock and shoving the key into the ignition. He started the car, then looked over at his sister’s face. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was begging him to stop. Beyond her, he could see his mother running toward him.
Suddenly, Joshua realized what he’d become. Staring into the faces of his family, seeing the anguish he was causing, he was filled with self-loathing. He’d never be able to look them in the eyes again. They knew what he was, what he’d become, and he was causing them shame and unbearable pain.
Looking away, his eyes came to rest on the oak tree in his parents’ yard. Swallowing against a rise of bile in his throat, he threw the car in gear, slammed his foot on the gas pedal, and closed his eyes
The impact threw him into the steering wheel and it folded around him. The last thing he heard was the scream of his mother and then everything faded away.
* * *
Joshua jumped as the memory came to its violent end. He ran a hand over his upper lip, realizing he was sweating. He shot a sheepish look at James, but his brother was still sleeping.
Closing his eyes, he forced himself to slow his breathing. It was only a memory now, and had no more power to hurt him. Unless his family ever found out the truth. They thought he’d been so high, he’d lost control of the car. It was a lie of omission, one of his last remaining lies, but one that he never wanted to divulge. Only his psychologist knew, and she was bound by her confidentiality oath.
He looked at his brother again, then rose to his feet and turned toward the bedroom. He was going to wake up Elena and make love to her. She would chase away the demons and let him get some sleep at last.
* * *
Joshua fidgeted beside his brother as they waited for the woman to find James a seat on their flight. He couldn’t help looking over his shoulder and keeping all of the airport police in his line of sight.
“How do you want to pay for this?” she finally asked, looking up at them.
Joshua fumbled for his wallet and pulled out his credit card, handing it to her. She gave Joshua a look as she took it from him, staring pointedly at his shaking hand. James closed his fingers around Joshua’s wrist and squeezed gently. “You’d better calm down,” he muttered.
Joshua drew a deep breath and pulled his hand away. “I know.”
“It’s all right. No one’s going to play any games with me right here.”
“You don’t know what it was like, James,” Joshua muttered. “I was so damn scared.”
“With your pretty face, you’re lucky they didn’t strip search you,” remarked James wryly, taking the slip and the pen from the woman. He braced it on the counter and handed Joshua the pen.
Joshua blinked at his brother in shock, but when James’ lips tilted a smile, Joshua relaxed a little. He scrawled his signature and gave his brother the pen. James smiled at the woman and handed her the slip, receiving Joshua’s card and the ticket in return. Then he took his brother’s elbow and led him out of line.
Joshua allowed James to guide him back to the rest of the band members. Elena met them and slipped in against Joshua’s side.
“Everything all right?” she asked, marking Joshua’s anxiety.
James smiled for her as well. “Great. We’re ready,” he said brightly.
Julian rolled his eyes, then led the way to the terminal. As they got in line before the metal detector, James leaned close to his brother. “Let me go first. Then you and Elena. Let Dominic guard your back. You don’t have any reason to suspect him, do you?”
Joshua cast a quick look at Elena. She was frowning. “No,” he said, shaking his head.
“Suspect him of what?” Elena asked.
“We’re just trying to keep Joshua from a strip search,” James remarked, elbowing Joshua in the ribs.
Joshua forced a tight smile and Elena relaxed beside him. She might not know the real reason he’d been pulled into interrogation, but he knew she didn’t want it to happen again.
Joshua almost bolted as they moved through the terminal. Putting his backpack on the conveyor belt, he stared at it so long, Dominic had to push him forward. He closed his eyes as he passed through metal detector and hunched his shoulders, waiting for an alarm to go off.
Elena pulled him close. “Are you all right?”
He nodded stiffly and followed his brother to the end of the conveyor. James grabbed his backpack for him. The plane was already boarding by the time they reached the terminal.
Joshua followed Elena and James onto the plane and sank into the middle seat. He could feel Dominic’s looming presence at his back. Being in a constant state of anxiety took its toll and Joshua was exhausted. He stared at the back of the s
eat, trying to calm himself, regulating his breathing. He hardly heard the announcements and only realized they were moving when the plane accelerated for the climb into the sky. Once they were air born, Joshua was able to relax a little. Leaning back against the headrest, he closed his eyes and let sleep drift over him.
* * *
His own moan of pain brought him awake. He blinked open his eyes and hissed as the light forced his pupils to contract. That set up a network of pain radiating to every part of him, every muscle, every nerve, every cell. He wanted to curl against it, but something prevented him from moving. Panic rose up where the pain left off. He tugged at the bonds on his wrists and tried to twist away.
“Easy, Josh,” came Adam’s voice in his ear and his big hand stroked the hair off Joshua’s forehead.
“Adam?” he managed in a hoarse voice. “I can’t move.”
“It’s all right. It’s just a precaution.”
“Precaution? Where’s my mother?” He closed his eyes against another wave of pain.
“Keep breathing, Josh. It’ll ease,” said Adam, stroking his hair again. “Your mother is sleeping in the chair next to you.”
“Why can’t I move?” he whispered.
Adam didn’t answer and Joshua forced open his eyes, turning to look at his stepfather. His vision was blurry, but Adam’s face looked haggard and drawn.
“What happened?”
“Things have been a little more complicated than we hoped, Josh.”
“Complicated?”
Adam nodded. “The withdrawal process put a strain on your kidneys. You went into kidney failure, but they treated you right away and your kidney function has been improving steadily.”
“Why can’t I move?”
“You had convulsions, Josh, hallucinations. The doctors couldn’t chance you might hurt yourself or others.”
Joshua tried to swallow. His throat ached, all of him ached. Even the roots of his hair were sensitive. “I hurt all over.”
“I know, son, but it’ll get better now. This is the first you’ve been lucid in a long time.”
A sick feeling pooled in Joshua’s stomach. “How long?”
“You’ve been out of it for more than a week,” answered Adam truthfully.
Joshua stared at him, frowning. “More than a week? I don’t remember any of it.”
Adam nodded.
“Have you been here all that time?”
“One of us has always been here, Josh. Most often your mother. It’s been impossible to get her to leave. We love you, boy. We want you to get well.”
Joshua felt his face heat with shame and hurt. He closed his eyes over the burn of tears. How could they love him? He’d done the unspeakable, failed them.
“Adam, I…” He didn’t have the words to express what he was feeling. “I shouldn’t be here.”
Adam mistook what he meant. “I know, son, but we’re going to get you well. It’s going to be all right, Joshua. We’ll get through this together.”
Joshua kept his eyes closed, but a tear leaked out under his lashes and rolled across his temple.
CHAPTER 16
The woman wore a mousey brown suit with matching brown shoes. Her hair was neatly cropped and curled around her face. Her eyes behind her glasses looked enormous, a chocolate brown with heavy lashes framing them.
She thrust her hand out at him and beamed a smile. “Hi, I’m Dr. Staddler and you must be Joshua.”
Joshua stared at her hand, but didn’t take it. The minute his mother had told him about the psychologist he was on the alert. Being tied to a hospital bed, being committed against his will – those were bad enough. Having some quack pry into his life was another issue entirely.
She tilted her head when he didn’t accept her hand, then swung it wide and motioned to her office. “Come in, please.”
Joshua rose slowly, watching her, and waited for her to enter before him. She walked briskly behind her desk and settled into the seat, clasping her hands in her lap. With an abrupt motion, she indicated the chair before her desk. It was black leather with a rounded back. Joshua warily sank into it, his hands gripping the curving arms.
“I’m pleased to meet you finally. I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough for a session.”
Joshua simply nodded.
She paused as if she’d expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, she picked up her good natured prattle. “Why don’t you tell me something about yourself, Joshua?”
His eyes drifted to the clock on the edge of the desk. The frantic spinning of the second hand distracted him. It seemed that strange, mundane things had the ability to hypnotize him now.
“Joshua?” she said with just a touch of annoyance, enough to make sure he knew who was running the show.
He blinked up at her. “What?”
“Tell me something about you. Who is Joshua Ravensong?”
He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know.”
She sank back in her chair. Her expression changed from happily ditsy to whip-cracking serious. “I want this to be a good experience, Joshua, but we should establish some realities at the beginning. Counseling is a mandatory part of the rehabilitation program. Without it, the rate of relapse is alarmingly high. Therefore, we can do this easily or you can make me work at it, but it helps a lot more if you participate willingly.”
“Are you saying I can’t leave this hospital unless I spill my guts to you?”
“I’m saying that you can’t leave until you show me that you are ready to face the daily challenges of being a recovering drug addict.”
“So, I can’t leave until you say so?”
She drew a deep breath. “No, you can’t. You’ve been committed. Your parents have taken over legal responsibility for your life. That won’t be returned to you until you prove that you are able to handle it.”
Joshua stared at her, trying hard to still the sudden pounding of his heart. He felt light headed and nauseous. He supposed he’d known this, but he hadn’t really thought of the implications. It made him feel claustrophobic.
“Does that idea bother you?” she asked, narrowing her eyes on him.
He forced himself to shrug. He might have to divulge information that he’d rather keep private, but he didn’t have to let her see what he felt about it. “I guess it might bother any prisoner to know they are being held prisoner.”
“Do you feel you are ready to take control of your own life?”
He glanced at the clock again. “I guess not.”
“Why do you keep looking at the clock?” she asked.
“Trying to see how much time we have left. Don’t you operate by the hour?”
She smiled, but it wasn’t a pleasant smile. “I’m not like a typical counselor, Joshua. I deal with people who are facing life and death crises. We can take as long as I think is necessary.”
Joshua sank back in the chair with a grimace of pain. The muscles in his abdomen and back had begun their familiar spasm. His hands tightened on the chair arms so he could hide their trembling.
“Now,” she said, folding her hands beneath her chin, “tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? What are your passions in life?”
“I wasn’t lying to you,” he said miserably. “I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know who I am. I’ve forgotten how to live without the drugs.”
Her look grew sympathetic. He hated that almost as much as he hated her dominant role. “What about the music? Isn’t that still an important part of who you are?”
Joshua looked down. He honestly didn’t know. He hated the fact that the last few recordings had been done when he was high. He hadn’t heard them again, but he was afraid it would be obvious, at least to him.
“I just don’t know.”
She studied him a moment. He found he couldn’t meet her eye. “What about your family? They must be important to you.”
His eyes lifted and met hers. A shudder went through him. “My family?” He almost choked on the
words.
“They love you dearly. I’ve never seen a family so focused on the welfare of one of their own the way they are.”
Joshua looked away. “You’ve got it wrong,” he said. “I destroyed any love they felt. All they see is what I’ve become, what I am. They look at me and they see an addict, a failure. And all I see is the pain I’ve caused them. It would have been easier for all of us if I hadn’t survived the car crash.”
“I don’t believe that. I’ve talked with them myself.”
“You’ve talked with them?”
“Of course. That’s part of the treatment. We have to know how much support the patient has outside of the hospital.”
Joshua grimaced. “So whatever I tell you will be reported to them?”
“Not at all. Everything you say here will be confidential… well, unless you tell me you intend yourself or anyone else harm. That I can’t keep secret.”
Joshua stared at the ground. God, he wanted to be anywhere else at this moment.
“Joshua, I need to know something and I need you to be honest with me.”
He slowly lifted his head. “What?”
“Did you really want to die when you drove your car into that tree?”
Joshua narrowed his eyes on her. “My family believes I lost control of the car.”
“I understand,” she responded. Then she leaned forward. “But this is just you and me. I’ve read the police report, Joshua. There was no sign you attempted to break, no skid marks, just a straight line through the lawn right up to the tree.” She paused and fixed him with a stare. “Did you really want to die?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I already told you. I didn’t want my family to ever look at me that way again, as if they were staring at a stranger. I didn’t want to see that pain again.” He shook his head. “It would have been better for all of us if I died.”
“How? The grief would have been crippling for them.”