“I did?”
“Yeah, I was worried.”
Worried about more than the alcohol. She saw a lot.
Niko giggles. “That’s cute, but as you can see, I’m fine!”
So fine that Niko returns to bed.
Maybe things are fine.
(She’s lying).
Okay with it presently, she washes her own hands, wipes her oily face on the hand towel, then flicks off the light. Inside Niko’s closet, she exchanges her thong for one of Niko’s. And does the same for her socks. And when she opened the drawer, two empty liquor bottles rattled each other. They’re gone when the drawer is closed, and she stretches an undershirt to her belly, ripping her shorter hair through the collar.
Oh yeah, I got a haircut and new clothes, including thongs.
She was way happy because all these freedoms came mama approved, and in only the day she’s had them, she’s seen her mother’s complaints. It’s like Niko and I have no boundaries. She probably shoulda figured that out sooner, but she figures it’s why Niko’s bathroom intrusion irked her. Or why she thinks, in the future, she should, A) build a makeshift bed on the floor, or, B) stay in Niko’s room past the French doors, but not, C) sleep in the same bed with Niko.
And bring her own change of clothes, she’ll do that now.
And, okay, she’s got to say it.
What’s up with those empty bottles?
When she saw them, her heart leapt into her throat.
She was gonna ask about it, but saw Niko on her cell phone.
“Mom, I thought I might reach you, call me back, okay?”
Hm.
What destroyed Niko could’ve been her mother. Yesterday, Kana left… To work. Niko wore a brave face. It allowed Kana to go without regret. It also reinforced all of Niko’s suspicions. That her entire life was fake and thereby worthless. To me, Niko2.0 is the fake one, but to Niko, it’s 1.0 who never existed. After last night, it’s clear that 1.0 is unsalvageable. And with it, that part of my life. Who knows, maybe that’s why the A), B), C) is in her head. She’s finally accepted the truth. And if it’s the truth, then all that’s left is damage control.
She leans against the doorframe.
“Why are there empty bottles in your drawer?”
Niko lies. “It’s nothing. I had to hide them from Nana.”
She knows it’s a lie. “Is it cause your Mom left?”
“No, it’s not.”
It’s “not” like Niko’s “not” dating Hazu.
“You can tell me. I swear it’s okay.”
“It’s not my mom, I mean it.”
“Then, what was it?”
Niko turns to the wall like she did to the bathroom mirror or away from her school locker. It’s uncommon for Niko to be so outwardly emotional. Niko builds impenetrable walls so no one sees her pain and no one can screw her over. Niko was taught this by the best, her mother, and it’s something that Niko has, throughout the years, perfected.
Until Donna Harly came along.
Niko snorts. “It’s like this year will never end.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s nothing.”
“No, tell me, what do you mean?”
It comes in a whisper. “Mackenzie was right.”
“What?”
Niko’s louder. “Mackenzie was right.”
“Right about what?”
“Donna knew about my plan. She was ready.”
It started a day or so before the party. Signs that Donna had her own plan. It reinforced Donna’s authority, and according to Niko’s source, sending Donna a “message” wasn’t sufficient any longer. People needed more. So Niko deduced a modified plan allowing said people to see her rise in conjunction with Donna’s fall. Also, Niko accelerated the timeline, promising—the boys, the Stars, and Scott—to seize the Bitches, then cut Donna out.
Its failure ends the shortest membership in Bitches history: mine. It also means Niko’s been excommunicated.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“You were right.”
I was? “I don’t understand.”
Niko almost curls in disgust. If she has to hear those words, “I don’t understand” or if she must explain herself anymore… Like she didn’t already feel like a freak all the time. She wipes her eyes again and wishes she were wearing her fake breasts. “I played so many sides against one another that, when it was time for everyone to do their part, no trusted me, and they waited for everyone else to go first, then no one went at all.”
Oh yeah, I did say that. “What’re you going to do?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
It “doesn’t matter” like Kana leaving “doesn’t matter.”
“Niko, you can tell me. What’s going on?”
Niko meant it. It doesn’t matter.
At least the specifics don’t. She got bitchy for sure, but who cares about that? She drank too much. Maybe she even yelled at the walls. Either way, what fragments of her meltdown are in her head are enough to be big time gossip, and by tomorrow, Mother Superior will know about it, and Mother Superior will also know with Kana gone, post-Prom was another unsupervised party. It ups the consequences. Suspension, expulsion, Administration intervention. It’s too big for Niko to acknowledge. It makes her feel cold and sick. As it’s also too late. To change it so her mother never got in trouble. To stop herself from becoming Niko2.0. To take back what she did in Coeur d’Alene. And to forget what happened at post-Prom.
Hopefully, it’s not too late to fix what has been broken. That was Niko’s final thought, last night, before she went black. “Maybe it was for the best that Donna knew.”
“How so?”
Niko balls up, her knees to her chin, and her arms clutched like a vice around her shins. “I’ve thought a lot about how you said I was becoming like Donna, and I don’t want to do that.”
There’s no way to praise Niko without sounding sarcastic. She tries, anyway. “I’m glad to hear that. I mean it.”
Niko seems to believe her. That turns Niko shyer. Holding shut her eyes to hold shut any tears. “I didn’t mean to use you. I guess I was afraid to lose anyone else, but now that it’s over and things are going back to normal, I feel so guilty.”
“Guilty?”
“I’ve done horrible things.”
Horrible things? “I don’t understand.”
Niko sniffles. “What if I’m changed? What if I can never be good again?”
She is stuck in the doorframe. It’s too hard to move, so she reassures Niko from a room away. It might as well be an ocean. She’s pissed at herself over it. What makes it worse is that it’s not Niko. She figures her help is useless. It’s best to be distant and offer meaningless advice. “Don’t be so critical. Whatever you did, you were confused.”
“You don’t understand. You just don’t get it.”
She only wishes that were true. “I think I have an idea.”
“You do?”
After midnight, the party shifted gears.
What started a high school romp transitioned to new people who were not in high school and not from Prom. Along with them came the shady elements that fascinate the Yeti. As she shifted though rooms, in tag with Niko, her absentee friendship became stark. Niko would drink, then sing, then dance, and drink, then snort a white powder. That wasn’t the worst. On the deck, she bore witness to the nightmare that was Niko2.0. She would’ve never guessed, but she should’ve known, or had a premonition—somehow Niko must have dropped a hint.
“I saw Scott.”
Niko sounds dead. “I know you did.”
She leaves the topic alone. “I saw something else.”
Niko sounds cold. “I know you did.”
“Was it cocaine?”
“Yes.”
She knew that. Unlike her mother, she confirmed it before getting angry. The countdown is on, however. For Niko, of all people, to use cocaine. Pair it with those empty bottles and it’s t
hat… I should’ve told Mother Superior everything. “If you made some small mistakes, then—”
Niko interrupts. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.”
Niko breaks into shivers. “I can’t say it. I tried like twenty times this week and I can’t say it.”
“Just tell me.”
“If I tell you, you’ll think I’m ugly.”
That’s probably true. “Please, just tell me.”
Niko hiccups air that she chokes on, then coughs a fit.
“It’s that I’m not really a virgin any longer.”
In retrospect, she shoulda shown more sensitivity. And she should’ve left the freaking doorframe, joined Niko on the bed, and tried to solve this. But in the moment, she had little in her mind, save her doubt, and less to do, beside put her hands through her hair and cover her fallen jaw.
Why would Niko do that?
Sure, Niko stuffs her bra, advocates frequent masturbation, and makes BJS, but that’s not intercourse. As backwards as it sounds, Niko’s love for sex enhanced her desire to stay a virgin. In fact, on several occasions, Niko’s told Hazu it’s not gonna happen, at least not yet, and backwards as it sounds, Hazu’s respected that. He’s a creepy SOB, but it’s not in him to force Niko to have sex. If you saw them together, you’d get that.
If it’s not Hazu, then it leaves only one other.
Like with the coke, she confirms. “Hazu or Scott?”
“Scott first, but them both.”
What? “You’ve done it with them both?”
“After you fell asleep, Hazu and I hooked up.”
“Last night?”
“Yes. He’s my boyfriend again.”
That’s good news, but only if it means…
“So you and Scott aren’t together?”
“No.”
It’s another moment where sensitivity was appropriate. She was too relieved. “Thank God. You’ve got to stay away from him, like for real, understand? That guy is trouble.”
Niko hides her face again. “I know.”
“It’s… He’s a grownup. You’re too young for him.”
“I know.”
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, it’s that—”
Niko interrupts. “I only dated Scott to hurt Donna, but I lost control and I…” Niko wipes her eyes, then cries tears like sneezes. “It was supposed to be Hazu. After this was all done, I was gonna be with Hazu. That’s what I wanted.”
Yeah. Good time to leave the doorframe.
I’m a shitty friend.
“Is that why you hooked up with him?”
“Yes.”
“Did you tell him about Scott?”
“I told him I was a virgin. He can’t know. It’ll kill him.”
Or it’ll get him to kill Scott. Either way, it’s a bad outcome.
It’s also beside the point.
While tons of stuff happened in Coeur d’Alene, the biggest—what caused the blond tips and the “message” idea—was, at some point, Niko became Niko3.0. Another bastard child from another bastard identity crisis. The first one caused by Kana. And the second by Scott. Sadly, the incidents are mirrors. In both, Niko could’ve wallowed in self-pity, yet despite being the victim, Niko acted like the perpetrator. In the fall, Niko took it upon herself to join the Bitches, then when that failed, Niko decided to destroy the Bitches, and by accident, with Scott, destroyed herself.
Throughout such, Niko never shed a tear. Not one.
Niko’s too-flexible self has gone into a too-tight roly-poly ball. Finally separated from the doorframe, she holds Niko. It sounds dramatic and it feels awkward, but she fights it and her belief she’s messing up, cause Niko needs dramatic examples. Niko needs… A mom. This is it. This is what Mother Superior, Nana and her own mother have felt all these years they’ve substituted for Kana. Now it’s my turn, I guess. It’s left her to wonder if this Niko, Nik0 3.0, who cries into her shoulder like she might not stop, believes in anything at all, or if Niko3.0 is simply a Niko who accepts chaos as life’s only truth.
She can’t let that happen.
“Listen, whatever you did, anything at all, during your time in the Bitches, or for Donna, or something that hurt me or yourself, just forget about it.”
Niko gasps for air. “I can’t.”
She gets it. And wears her motherly voice again. Already forgiven Niko for all that’s been done, and ready to tell Niko all Niko needs to hear. Maybe I’m ready to forgive my mother for doing the same. “It’s in the past, it’s over. You’re not bad, you’ve not changed, and if you wanted Hazu to be your first, then he was your first. It can still be your choice.”
Only a virgin could think that.
“I wish, but it’ll never be that way.”
“Then forget about that, too. And forget about Scott. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a shithead.”
“He is a shithead.”
Niko is crying pretty hard again.
She is holding Niko tighter.
“Believe me, one day, you’ll meet a boy who’ll treat you like a princess, maybe even Hazu will do it.”
“No. I don’t want to be a princess any longer.”
Every girl wants to be a princess.
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“Then, what do you want to be?”
“I want to be a Queen.”
7.
After a dozen near misses, the stylist has finished. Niko’s hair, previously at her shoulders, still remains such on either side of her forehead. The rest tapers shorter to the rear, and at front, Niko has bangs cut to her eyebrows. In true Niko fashion, this style obeys the Personal Code while doing an “in-your-face” to the Administration. For this the stylist has done well, and while he’ll receive no credit for the cut, he’ll at least be the recipient of a substantial tip. Or not. As Kana requests he break the hundy in her hand and minutes later his assistant is back with the bills—while he still waits for that shotgun.
(Cause all he wants are his brains blown all over the floor).
He smiles goodbye anyway, then encourages each to return. It’s washed out by Niko, who’s had a mini-meltdown at her phone, which keeps buzzing. This continues—on the elevator, down Fifth Ave, even at this intersection where the crosswalk is seconds from turning. The strange thing is that in-between Kana’s phone also buzzes.
Kana doesn’t seem to notice.
“Who’s calling you? The person you were arguing with?”
Niko’s dismissive, so obsessed with her haircut she stares at her semi-transparent reflection in the store display windows. “It’s someone I need to talk to, but this isn’t the time.”
“Is it this Haruhide person?”
“No, Mom! I said we’re not even that close.”
Niko’s phone buzzes again. Then, Kana’s does.
Kana ignores it. “Seriously, honey, who’s calling you?”
Niko gets defensive. “I could ask you the same question!”
This logic breaks Kana, but only momentarily.
“Niko, be honest with me. Is it that boy?”
Niko ignores her. “Speaking of boys, there’s a boy named Mike Holler. He’s the hottest boy at school, but not in the ‘he’s
actually hottest’ sense, just that he’s the prototypical…”
Niko carries on for three paragraphs that last a city block—wowing Kana with Mike’s various achievements. And nearly wowing me. Yet, her opinion of him is the same—Mike, even if nice, is an airhead for dating Donna. Besides, there’s the blue eyed boy, and he’d never date anyone in the Bitches. Except me! How she knows, she is not sure, but it gives her confidence that some boys are redeemable. Or that some don’t ever need to be redeemed.
Either way, she’s unreceptive to Niko’s Mike ranting.
Kana notices. “Baby, you’re forgetting an important part.”
Niko’s almost offended. “What that?”
“She might have an existing crush.”
She’s not surprised that Kana knew. We’re sensitive types. They’ve also got a shared facial expression thing that Niko has difficulty recognizing. “I might have a tiny one.”
Now Niko’s legitimately offended. “You have a crush and you didn’t tell me?”
“It’s small and it’s not a big deal.”
Kana disagrees. “It’s always a big deal.”
“I guess, but he won’t like me, and—”
Niko interrupts. “Why not?”
“Why not?” is how Niko got Hazu. For Niko, it works. For her, it’s different. The blue eyed boy… He’s hot. Not that she’s shallow like that, but he’s too pretty for her. She knew it this morning, then purposely forgot it during her daydreaming, and after school when she searched for him. But, she knows this won’t happen. She knows it because, when someone’s too good for you, you just know it.
“I don’t know. I just do.”
Niko speaks as if her life hung in the balance. “Who is it?”
She goes for honesty. “I don’t know.”
Niko almost faints. “What? How do you not know the name of a boy you’re crushing on?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I really don’t.”
Niko speaks, once again, as if her life hung in the balance. “Tell me something about him.”
Niko probably knows him. If not, Niko’ll play detective until she does. She prefers Niko didn’t, but like with her uniform, this secret won’t last long. “You met him this morning.”
“The rude one who wouldn’t leave?”
He wasn’t rude! Take it back! “Yes, it’s him.”
Kana’s intrigued. “Do you know something about him?”
“Yeah, I know a few things.”
“Like?”
She shares Kana’s interest. “Like?”
“Well, he’s in astronomy with us.”
In an instant, she paints her class, and while insignificant faces are drawn in obscene detail, he cannot be placed. “I’ve never seen him there.”
“I guess he wasn’t there today, but he usually sits in front.”
Kana gets excited. “If he’s in your class, it will be easier to learn about him.”
Sykosa, Part I: Junior Year Page 19