“Hello? Hello? Isn’t anyone there?”
Her brain releases enough dopamine to sedate a dinosaur. It turns her to the grins one gets after escaping certain doom. “Oh, my God, Niko, thank God, it’s you.”
Niko is confused. “Why? What happened?”
“I called him!”
Niko gasps. “What did you say?”
“Nothing, I hung up!”
Niko laughs. “You dork!”
Hey! “Shut up!”
Niko laughs again. “Okay, I need to tell you something.”
Niko implies Kana’s abrupt departure. As anything bad is best ignored, Niko and Kana never mentioned it, so she did the same. The illusion didn’t last. Whatever those pills were, they knocked Kana out. That’s when I heard my mother. “I want you to call me if anything funny happens, and if she is drinking or anything, I’ll drive you home.” Well, it was Niko who drove. Once Kana was in bed, Niko drove her home.
My Mom has yet to freak out about it.
“Niko, I overheard that Kana’s leaving. It hurt me, too.”
Niko laughs some more. “Oh, that? I’m fine with it.”
You are? “Really?”
Niko continues to laugh. “Yeah, she’ll be back Sunday.”
It’s still no laughing matter.
She hears whispers. “Is there someone else there?”
“I’m sorry, Hazu’s being a jerk.”
That and he’s—along with Niko—drunk. She knows because, upon examination, Niko has a slur. It worsens now that Niko’s admitted he’s there, and Niko whispers a response before she gives three quick, open-mouth kisses. (Like BJS, openmouthed kisses have a fart). What can’t be heard is Niko’s wrapped in a blanket and in Hazu—crammed into the back of his 7, and but for her panties, she’s naked. What’s great about that, for Niko, is how—before they made passionate, sweaty love—those C-cup breasts were tossed in the dumpster behind the Thai place where they ate.
Hazu did it, even though Niko begged him not t0.
“Why’re you with him?”
“I’m taking him to meet my mom.”
“I thought you told her you weren’t dating him.”
Niko gets a tone. “Technically, I’m not.”
That’s so gross. “I’m hanging up now.”
Niko talks fast. “I’m serious. I need to tell you something.”
“Fine.”
“With my mom leaving, this might be my last big party, so the plan’s changed. Tomorrow, I’m taking Donna down.”
She slides off her pillow. “Down?”
“Yeah, I’m going to take the Bitches from her. It’s… It has to be this way. And my source says I have to do it now.”
Oh yeah, the “source.” Forget being angry over this Hazu bullshit. I’ve got my own. She meant to tell Niko all day… She didn’t know how to say it so things wouldn’t get worse. She’s gotta say it now. That key on her desk wasn’t free.
I’m in the Bitches. I better start acting like it.
“I have to tell you something.”
“What?”
“When Mackenzie was distracting me in the showers, she, like, said she knew you were gonna take over. I didn’t get it cause you didn’t tell me at first that it was part of your plan.”
Niko feels legitimate concern. It’s why Niko disregards it.
“It doesn’t matter.”
She begs to differ. “Donna knows, so does Mackenzie. It wasn’t a bluff—what Mackenzie said this morning.”
“How can they know? This part just got invented.”
She knows that, too.
“Your source isn’t your source. She’s working for Donna.”
Niko sounds too innocent. “That can’t be.”
She doesn’t know how to put it. “Niko, you tell these people so many different things. Are you sure they’ll listen?”
Niko sounds too innocent again. “They don’t trust me?”
She dislikes how that sounds.
“You just need to be extra careful.”
The call is over.
She wants to get angry at Niko for lying about Hazu.
She cannot, and not because of her own lies. You see, after Sadie Hawkins, Niko gave BJS, but when Niko was done, Niko shouted, “Ten more minutes!” What followed was the four collisions necessary for a girl to remove her undies, and what followed that was Niko moaning in either pleasure or child birth. It was an eternity before Niko subsided, and longer before Niko emerged, wrapped in a blanket, to pee in the bushes. She knew what happened. Niko put her pussy on Hazu’s face. Very fair of Hazu. Regardless, she didn’t understand why Niko did it—any of it. Now, she supposes, she doesn’t understand why Niko does anything for Kana.
But, I still let my boobs get felt up.
And here she is, sitting on pillows, obsessed with this boy since Kana’s lies hurt that much. And yesterday, to escape the shame of her uniform, she wore that lingerie. So explains what drives Niko to Hazu. It isn’t love or lust or poor morals—it’s pain. It’s the hurt and it’s what one does to alleviate it, even if only temporarily. At least Niko’s actions are redeemable, as the lengths Niko will go for Hazu are equal only to those which Niko will go for Kana. Would I go as far for my mother as I would the blue eyed boy? She might. If her mother didn’t hate things like thongs or masturbation or…
That’s not right.
Her mother saw her on the pillow, and at some point, her mother left a bag on her desk. Inside it is the lingerie, washed and folded, Niko loaned her. And it… You know what? Girls are complicated and too complex. It’s not worth figuring them out. I’m lying. Girls are simple. As simple as it’s obvious. Kana betrayed her. And I betrayed my mother.
When she hid Model UN.
When she hid Niko’s situation.
When she hid the lingerie.
That she’s currently hiding the bikini Kana bought her.
It’s the “secrets.”
They’ve lead her to the downstairs couch, otherwise known as a minefield. It takes a sec, but she says it. She gets misty. “I got the lingerie from Niko.”
Her mother is emotionless. “Thank you for telling me.”
That wasn’t all she came here to say. “Do you ever see stuff from my perspective? You’re stricter than the Academy. All the girls wear makeup. I’m not doing anything weird.”
“I think some of it is okay, I don’t like the speed.”
“The speed?”
Her mother takes a moment to lower the TV volume, but it can still be heard in the background. It’s not about anything, but the noise will fill the gaps. And there will be gaps. Her mother’s in one, as she considers what to say. “With Niko, you get whatever you want, when you want it. You want a haircut,” her mother snaps her fingers, “and I’m supposed to take you. You want lingerie? You borrow it until you get permission, which is like not asking permission.”
“But, Mom…”
Her mother interrupts. “It’s disrespectful.”
Okay, she gets that. “That wasn’t my intention.”
“You have to think before you make choices.”
“I know.” She catches herself. This is her pattern. She agrees with her mother to bypass any dialogue. Her mother knows it, too. She tries to be mindful of her tone. She’s tired from a long day and she fears it’ll translate to her words. There. That was the thought she needed. I need more rest. She rids the thought from her, then focuses herself—physically feeling the pressure to move forward. It’s been two years. Like rest is gonna make a difference. “You can ban me from seeing Niko, so I don’t ask cause then it becomes Niko’s idea.”
“It isn’t?”
She wants to implode. “Mom, that’s disrespectful.”
Her mother surprises her. “I shouldn’t blame Niko. Some of those things are your idea.”
A concession. One step from an apology. How unfortunate, as she only desired cooler tempers, not for her mother to admit fault for anything. Primarily because she’s n
ot ready to. Too late now, the ball is, so they say, in her court. The words don’t come. In fact, she enjoys the high ground, then thinks—and she’s disgusted with herself over it—if she wanted, she could hurt her mother hard. Or she could forgive her mother, if she even knows how.
She’s tried all week and it ends at the same place: “secrets.”
One day after her talk with Kana in the chapel gardens, Mother Superior fetched her from class. In her office waited Kana, dressed up in skintight jeans that were buttoned way too high and a shirt that fit her bust like it was made of elastic, but her face was flawless and the hair on the one side was braided, so her ear and its giant earring were visible. Next to Kana was her mother, conservatively dressed with a fair amount of makeup and hair like she were about to begin as a substitute. She was in her elementary jumper. Everyone took turns talking, and when it was Kana’s turn, Kana said, “Honey, it’s okay to talk about Niko with your mom or Mother Superior. I didn’t mean them.” She knew enough to agree, but like any astute kid, she recognized that Kana’s concession was like when a grownup forces her to apologize for something she isn’t sorry for.
I knew Kana didn’t mean it.
Also, she knew this meeting happened because her mother tattled to Mother Superior. Tattlers can’t be trusted, whether it be about Niko or not, so she decided to trust Kana. She’d keep all the secrets. She’d lock her mother out. I… I did lock her out. Wait, that can’t be true. She never picked Niko or Kana over her Mom. Except, I did. And her mother, never one to give in, fought to get her back. From different classes, to the masturbation incident, to separate high schools, to… All her mother’s sins were mistakes, so were Mother Superior’s, maybe Kana’s, too.
Her sins are unique—as it’s the original sin.
I started it.
Now that Kana’s abandoned Niko—along with all my faith in her—she sees. She also hates the secrets. “Kana bought me a bikini. You won’t like it, but I had to accept it.”
Her mother does a short nod. “Please bring it to me.”
Wow, that was easy. It’s just as well. I’d have to seriously shave for it. “And my reason for wanting a haircut or a bikini isn’t swim. I knew you couldn’t say no, so that’s why I said it, but I want them and thongs, so what makes that okay?”
Her mother is rock solid. Like she fears movement will release whatever fit fired upstairs. “There must be rules.”
“Like?”
“What Niko gave you was too adult. You’re not old enough for it and Niko also isn’t, but I’m not her mother. You give that thing back to Niko, and if we buy you underwear,” her mom’s not gonna say thongs, “then we do it together. On the condition that that’s all you wear, I see you in anything else—”
She interrupts. “I can follow that rule, I promise.”
“And don’t pressure me to make decisions.”
No secrets. No games.
That’s gonna be hard. “I’ll try to stop.”
“We both need to be comfortable.”
“Can I ask when we’ll go?”
“Tomorrow after your haircut.”
So she is getting the haircut. She knew that.
“Can I ask one more thing?”
Her mother wants to launch into a speech about how it’s never enough, but once again… “What?”
“Can Niko please drive me to school?”
Her mother rubs her temple. “I have to think about it.”
“But, Mom—”
Her mother interrupts. “I said don’t pressure me to make decisions.”
With that, she shuts up, then stands up and backs away, a little surprised this dialogue didn’t degrade into an argument. (Her father, who’s been hiding in the kitchen, must be short of breath). Either way, she still hasn’t forgiven her mother. It stops her at the stairs. At one time, as a little girl, she thought people who held onto grudges for years and years were stupid babies. Looks like I’m a stupid baby. If she told her mother she forgave her, it’d be over.
It’s what she should do. It’s the right thing to do.
She about-faces. “Mom?”
“Yes?”
She knows she’s not gonna say it.
At this point, she’s more comfortable hating her mom.
“Nothing, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Part I (Cont.): Junior Year.
IX.
The sun fries white the blue sky as birds chirp like summertime, tucked away in nests on the branches of these infinite evergreens stuffed as tightly as the cigarettes in her soft packs. A soft pack right beside her, calling to her—nothing more than a jackhammer hangover. Already dehydrated, sweat trickles down her sleek curves as her body, which smells like coconut suntan lotion and Niko’s peach scented shampoo, deepens in tone. In that suit made of some suspicious stuff that hugs her breasts like one of those beds on TV that promise a bowling ball can be dropped from a ladder without Tom’s knowledge.
She flips onto her stomach, holding her girls in place while she clears herself of her bikini strings. She does not want to have tan lines for Prom, if someone bothers to ask her. This love business interceded; nevertheless, Prom remains a priority and should he ask, fret she will not. Her dress and her shoes already reside in a mall boutique, hanging lonely off a plastic mannequin with no eyes or mouth. They sing to her. Don’t wait for the boy to ask! Just buy me! It’s an enticing melody, and on her every mall venture, she checks out its price tag.
It’s pricey. And her body is sleepy.
Between prolonged blinks, she watches the water volleyball game. It’s Niko, Mackenzie, and Tom versus Timmy and Clyde, who think they’re the North Seattle Community College water volleyball champions. Timmy shouts things like “Set!” and Clyde spikes the ball and crashes into the water. She ogles his shirtless body without his notice since her sunglasses are the disguising type. She thinks that he’s thin but not works out thin. He looks better with his guitar. Finished with him, she spies on Tom. He looks good without a shirt, except his arm. It’s scarred all over and her spying has given her ample chance to review it. Also, he and Mackenzie are acting like team sports require conjoining.
SS1 has noticed. “Sykosa, you let him do that?”
SS2 agrees. “Yeah, you let him do that?”
The Sluts are lined up 1-2-3. SS1’s in a skimpy number with no makeup. SS2’s the same. SS3’s in a one-piece, partially in the shade, as she fears cancer or something impractical.
“I don’t let him do anything.”
SS1 yawns. “My boyfriend has called me twice today. He says he’s going nuts without me.”
SS2 yawns, too. “Yeah, our boyfriends have called us twice!”
As stupid as they are, the little hoes make an excellent point. “We’re not like that with each other.”
SS1 yawns again. “Whatever.”
SS2 yawns too. “Yeah, whatever!” Then, after some seconds, she pokes Sykosa and whispers. “It’s alright, you’ll get him!”
Niko lays her palms flat on the poolside and lifts herself in a blur. Water fallen like that girl in Fast Times, only Japanese and in a silver bikini. Her thumbs roll underneath her bottoms to release her vacuum packed ass cheeks before she puts her hands on her sides and pouts like her mother does for all those cameras. “Are-you-gonna-come-in?”
“I’m not interested.”
“Why?”
Tom—no, he wouldn’t do that—shouts! “What? It’s so easy!”
“I know how to swim, Tom.”
“What’s it about, then?”
It’s about how she’s never entering the water with Mackenzie again! “Leave it be, okay?”
Niko sits Indian style. “I can’t believe he said that.”
“It’s alright.” Or it’s not. Like, why is she the only one who sees? The ocean tastes like piss, pools feel like chemical spills, and lakes are sewage dumps. All an ocean, pool, or lake has done is force her to wash her hair. She likes water that’s hot. Steam-covered mirrors, cloudy
shower doors, bath robes, and fancy smelling soaps. She’d like to kiss him in a bath, or fuck him in that lagoon, which is the pool. Whose side are you on? “The only thing I like about water is—”
SS2 interrupts. “Psst, Niko!”
Niko turns around. “Beautiful, what’s up?”
“You’re so beautiful in your bikini!”
“Aw, gorgeous.” Niko slinkies herself over and kisses SS2 on the forehead. “Let’s make love later, honey.”
“Okay, Niko!”
That’s a joke.
She mentally separates from the Girl-to-Girl Male Attention Supplement Session—too confused to be anywhere physically near human affection, artificial or otherwise, and in need of Niko. For one, Niko’s experienced, but also her best friend and something like Tom professing his…emotions—she can’t even think the “L” word—after a page of details she fails to notice about herself feels like best friend territory. She won’t mention anything within earshot of the Sluts. As a result, from the start, his confession backfired. She stayed with Niko all night in the wake of Scott and avoided Tom, including when he suggested that she share the guest room he had claimed as his own.
That said, before she ran off to the main suite to be with the Queens, she kissed him, and then, this morning, he gave her a long hug in the second dining room before grabbing her butt. It’s a good sign, I think. “What’s there to do but swim here?”
“We can hike a trail. I mentioned it to Clyde and he might go, but we’d be limited because rock stars don’t exercise. All they do is drink, party, and fuck, or so he says.”
Cute. “Um, can we sneak off and do it?”
Niko winks. “Yeah.”
Timmy shouts. “Aw no, you guys ain’t sneaking off, uh-uh, everyone outta the pool!”
Who knows how he heard that. Niko shrugs. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” She fastens her top and fluffs her hair. “I have to get a pair of shorts.”
Niko glares back at the Sluts. “You guys gonna come?”
SS1 shakes her head. “Exercise, yuck!”
SS2 shakes too. “Yeah, exercise is yucky!”
Inside, she pulls cutoffs over her ass and decides against a tee-shirt cause this bikini top is too good to her ta-tas. Plus, wearing this top and these shorts while walking through the woods is cliché horror movie. Maybe she’ll hear a growl in the bushes, and he will take her in his arms and protect her and then they’ll run from the serial murderer, and in her movie, they both get away and make out in the cabin forever! Okay, not forever, but until they find a phone, and she calls Niko and tells her everything about it.
Sykosa, Part I: Junior Year Page 21