~ Smoking's kinda lame eh? Now, bursting into flames, THAT'S pretty cool. Why do things half-assed? ~
~ If you have a saw, I don't think you should practice on your leg. Not unless you have some industrial glue handy. And that stuff dries fast so make sure you place your leg just right otherwise, if you have one leg facing forward and the other one facing backwards, you'll just go round in circles. Not that there's anything wrong with that. ~
~ I hid some more cruddy food in my talon bucket and after a week or so I had myself a furry little friend. He's cute as heck but stinks to high heaven. ~
~ Dogs are annoying, until they get new squeaky toys. ~
~ If I was in a boat and it capsized and I was going to drown, I'd hold my breath, sink to the bottom and walk to shore. Along the way, I'd stick algae and stuff all over my body and then I would slowly rise from the shallows going "Grrrr, Grrrr" and wave my arms around, looking like a sea monster. I think that would be a good trick. ~
~ Be kind to earth. Because, like me, it can come back to bite you in the ass. ~
~ Mom&Dad took off for a couple of days and the last thing they told me before they left was not to have a party and wreck the place. But I found the Tetley and had a rowdy tea party. I'd have gotten away with it except for all the telltale poop on curtains, lamps and counters. Now I'm grounded. ~
~ They say it's far better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. But who wants a mouth full of doubt? You either have to open your mouth or swallow it and swallowing it gives me diarrhea. ~
~ If you're ever worried that you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, don't worry cuz there are worse things. Like a body breakdown. Now, that could really give you a nervous breakdown. ~
~ Mom keeps finding pieces of tinsel left over from Christmas. She throws them in the garbage but I think she should throw them outside cuz the snakes could use them as mirrors. ~
~ I'd like to go to an opera and when they hit those high notes, I'd sit in the audience, sing along with them and give them a run for their money. I bet they'd turn around and give those rose bouquets to me. And throw me an after-party! ~
~ If you're helping mommy bake a cake and you notice she didn't put any potato in it, make sure you grab one and throw it in when she's not looking. Later, she'll thank you. ~
~ You know how annoying it is when you're down to the last bite of something really good and somebody snatches it away and eats it themselves? Well, that's not true. It didn't annoy me at all today when I snatched the last bite of mom's muffin. ~
~ If you're traveling in a time machine and you want to go to the future but you put it in reverse instead, I think it would be a good idea to have rear view mirrors. Otherwise, you could end up in yesterday by mistake and I don't like yesterday cuz yesterday I got broccoli for supper. ~
~ Whoever said to be nice to your fellow man, probably wasn't a parrot. I mean, that makes no sense at all. ~
~ Mom has Tarot Cards, Runes, Chinese Fortune Sticks and a Crystal Ball. The Crystal Ball is too big for me to do anything with but everything else makes great birdie chewing stuff. Just as I was reaching for a Tarot card, mom said, "Touch that and you die!" She lied - it wasn't even the card of death, so I snatched it anyway and now I'm waiting to meet a tall dark stranger. ~
~ My inner voice keeps talking to my inner ear. My indoor voice is just as loud as my outdoor voice. Lately I have to put a glass up to my skull to hear the voices inside my head. My sleep walks and my brain has a mind of it's own. I think I need a head transplant. ~
~ One day I ... no wait, it wasn't me. One day this other bird flew ... no wait, he walked. He walked to the window ... no, I think it was the door. He opened it and went outside ... what am I thinking, it opened into the bathroom. Don't you hate it when people do that when they're telling you a story. It's like you just want to rip their tongue out of their mouth and eat it. ~
~ Mommy says bananas are good brain food so when she gave me a piece, I hung upside down so it would go to my brain and not my tummy. I think my tummy was mad though, cuz it was growling. ~
~ If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? I would call Dominos Pizza and say "One large #8 with extra cheese please." Cuz like, I’m not supposed to have cheese but I’m dying anyway eh? ~
~ Mom says I can be very selfish sometimes, that I only think of myself. I told her "Mom, when it comes to giving, I stop at nothing." I noticed that when mom's confused, she has alot more wrinkles in her face. ~
~ Mom says we have bicycles hanging from our eaves troughs. I guess that's where people keep them until the snow’s gone and they can ride them again. ~
~ One day, me & mom & dad will be dead and gone and people will look at all the nice pictures we left behind and never once suspect the insanity that went on our house. ~
~ At night, I look out the window and into the lighted windows of our neighbors. I like to see what they're watching on TV but mostly, I like to catch them picking their noses. ~
~ Mom didn't turn on the TV for me this morning so I got a hold of the remote control and in the process of trying to make it work, I got a little carried away and chewed it to pieces. Mom said "Didn't you see the 'ON' button??" I said "Yes, but I don't believe everything I read." ~
~ I have bird friends and I have human friends. For my human friends - don't be jealous that you aren't a bird. Yes, it's pretty cool that we can fly and play with toys all day and hang upside down and everything but don't forget the downside, which is licking your own butt. ~
~ There's nothing more satisfying that the sound of poop splatting between your dog's ears. ~
~ What if you were in a coma for like, 20 years? And when you woke up all the humans were dead from pollution or hiccups or something? I'd be like, who's gonna make my breakfast?? ~
~ Mom can be such a bag. I told her, why don't you just be honest with me, why don't you open up and tell me why you're so miserable sometimes. Finally she told me "Well Pickles, it's a mixture of menopause, my insecurities, childhood trauma and bad drug combinations." I said Jeez mom, that's not honesty - that's what you call a secret. ~
~ Sometime I feel like lying down, next to a trail, in the long grass. When people walk by I’d be like, hi there, how's it going eh? And people would get down on their hands and knees, cuz they'd be real surprised that grass talks, and say - I didn't know you could talk. I'm so sorry for all those years I kept stepping on you. And I’d be like, that's okay but to make up for it, you have to strip naked and run through the trail, out on the street and yell to everyone passing by - TALK TO GRASS, DON'T MOW IT! Cuz that would be really funny. ~
~ I was helping mom brush her teeth in the bathroom by getting into stuff on the counter. When she dropped her toothbrush, I snagged it thinking I'd brush my own teeth. I looked in the mirror and my teeth were gone! I don't remember losing them, maybe I sneezed them out, but all I know is that I ain't seen no tooth fairy. I'm gonna have to steel mom's dentures and put them under my pillow one night. ~
~ I saw a Bluebird outside my window and I wondered - Is this the Bluebird of Happiness, or the Bluebird of Evil? Cuz, I think it's a good idea to know before you invite him in for snacks. ~
~ My mommy has a friend with a baby. Sometimes the baby comes to visit and I try to talk to him but all he does is laugh and slobber. I told him "Look kid, you'll never get anywhere in life with that attitude." Then he regurgitated on me and I said, "Now, that's better." ~
~ What if termites found my cage and crawled up & started eating my perches & wooden toys? I think I’d say to one of them "Take me to your leader" and then I’d follow the line to their hiding spot & tell the leader to stop eating my perches or I’d have nowhere to sit. But he'd be like some mean tyrant and refuse to stop his army. So then I’d eat him & eat all the little ants all the way back to my cage. Problem termited ... um, I meant terminated. ~
~ My mom I shouldn't
ride her, you never know what's inside her.
Good sense I lack, I can't hold back
And it's kinda like tickling a tiger. ~
~ I was thinking of hitchhiking to California to see my fiancé, Fiona. But I don't have thumbs. I'd just be that bird, giving the bird on the side of the road.
~ Mommy says I have a mind like a sieve. That's supposed to be an insult? Those little sieve holes serve a purpose - they let all the stupid, watery, diluted, insignificant stuff through while retaining the meat and substance that's important. Like my really good thoughts and ideas, and my telekinetic powers of course. The junk that gets through my sieve is better than the stuff that stays in hers. ~
~ Bad luck is just good luck gone bad. I think it happens when you forget to put it in the fridge. That's where I keep my good luck but one time we had a power outage and it went bad and killed all my food. ~
~ I can look to my left and my right at the same time. A cyclops can't. ~
~ I think I’m gonna start experimenting with drugs. I've been eyeing the medicine cabinet and have decided to try the Tums but I will keep some Graval nearby just in case I get too high and need something to help me come down. ~
~ If I went into a coma, I’d do it with my eyes open. Then, nobody would know I was in a coma. ~
~ Houseflies are so cute the way they clean their faces just like kitty cats. Because of their eyes having thousands of lenses, they probably think they're being groomed by thousands of little paws. But I bet they get all disappointed when they see another fly and think - woo hoo, a party! - and then they find out it's just one fly, and the one guy you'd never invite to a party. ~
~ Boy is mommy cranky today. I think she's had it with winter and I guess it didn't help when I started her day by bonking her in the head. She's so hard to live with sometimes. I wonder if she's always been a miserable cow. One day I overheard Nana saying they almost lost her as a child, but they didn't take her far enough into the woods. ~
~ You can't hide a piece of broccoli in your bowl of water. ~
~ As most of you know, my cousin is Murray the Magician (as seen on America's Got Talent). I'm going to get him to teach me how to saw a man in half. It's my kind of thing eh? But he probably won't let me practice on a real live man - he'll probably start me on a little boy. ~
~ Mom says us birds are kleptomaniacs. I say to all my fellow birdies - don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. ~
~ Sometimes I worry a lot about things. I have to tell myself - stop worrying right now, set aside your worries until 3:00. Then at 3:00, I take a nap. HA! Take THAT you stupid worries - once again, I've outsmarted you. ~
~ When the world says, "Give up", hope whispers, "Try it one more time". Mom says, "Try that again and I’ll wring your little neck". I don't have a hope in hell. ~
~ I don't like monkeys. Ever notice how they just stare at you, looking all wise and human like? It's like they know something you don't know. Like, when doom's day is coming, or how they got the caramel into Caramilk. Or maybe they're trying to hypnotise us! They should wear sunglasses. ~
~ Monkey's aren't very shy, are they? I mean, they'll do anything in public - including fornicating. I watched a video of a monkey in a zoo, peeing in his mouth, which was disgusting, because monkeys shouldn't live in zoos. ~
~ I don't think we should get mad at people & things. We spend all that time being mad while they don't even know and they go around all la de da and happily living their lives. So we waste time being mad while they have fun. So, instead of being mad - do something to make THEM mad. But spy on them to make sure, just in case the plan backfires. ~
~ Where do sins come from? Who determines what a sin is - the sin? They just woke up one day and said - for now on, I’m gonna be a sin and make people use me? If I did something & somebody told me it was a sin, I’d say - no it isn't, it just thinks it's a sin and there's medication for that. ~
~ I walked right off my ropes today, straight into the air and fell to the ground. I had been giving mom a hard time and she told me to cut it out, that I was on very dangerous ground. So I wanted to walk this ground she spoke of. She was right - it was dangerous, invisible ground. ~
~ I have this little hat I like to wear but I can never find it. I look and I look until I stand there scratching my head & when I scratch my head, lo & behold - there it is, right where I left it, on my head. Other days I wear my hat all day long only to discover, it's not there at all. ~
~ One time, mom got mad at dad and told him he was about to become 'that funny smell coming from the attic'. I was kinda worried about him but then I thought - well, at least he would cover up that funny smell coming from the basement. ~
~ I don't know why our human mommies didn't breast feed us. Oh wait, yes I do. ~
~ Consider the porcupine. And while you're doing that, I’ll consider the skunk. Boy, if only I could lift my tail and squirt stinky stuff like that. I bet mom wouldn't mess with me anymore. Not without a gas mask. ~
~ As a bird I need to purge, I let it go as real good gurge.
Out it goes, it really flows
And I eat it again when I get the urge. ~
~ One way to find out if you have a curse on you, is if beetles start crawling out of your ears. Which would be okay, if you need more protein in your diet. ~
~ What if, just before it snowed, you released a whole bunch of paint balls in the clouds? And the snow would come down in pretty colors. But I’d use nothing but green so everything would look like summer. Or snot. ~
~ I would like to live in a teepee. I could chew that thing up in no time flat. ~
~ I think somebody should invent a Rodent Rocket. Then gather up all the rats and mice, pack them a lunch and shoot them to the moon. The Man in the Moon would have company, they could eat cheese to their hearts content and they wouldn't have to worry about brooms. ~
~ I never get mad, I just get even. Well, I guess I get mad too. Sometimes I lose my temper but if I get even, that would make me even-tempered. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a very even-tempered, easy-going kind of bird. Nothing gets my goat. Cuz I keep him in a cage. ~
~ Sometimes, when you read a good book, it's like the writer is right there in the room with you, telling the story. So I just tape everything he says rather than waste my time reading. That way, I can play with my toys while listening to a good story. ~
~ You shouldn't get upset when people break their promises. I don't. Cuz they're the ones with a bunch of broken pieces of promises that don't work anymore. ~
~ I am so good with bells, I think I could be hired to work in a bell tower. Unless being hunch-backed is a prerequisite. Then i'm hooped. ~
~ If I was stranded on a desert island, I’d be lonely so I’d teach all the animals to talk. But if they got cheeky and started talking smack, I would have to teach them to be quiet. Kinda defeats the purpose though. ~
~ I need my own pet, one I can kiss and scratch. I was thinking about a porcupine but then I thought nooooo, not a porcupine. Cuz they always end up squished on the highways and I’d end up sad. So, maybe a Bobcat. And I’ll name him Robert. ~
~ Is my shadow an extension of me? Or am I an extension of it? Who follows who? Why does he stick to my feet, or am I stuck to his? How come I can't hear him when he opens his mouth to laugh after we hear a good joke? I guess, only the shadow knows. And he's not talkin'. ~
~ If you open up a can of worms, you'd better use them within a couple of days. Cuz even worms have an expiry date. ~
~ First I lost my almond, I dropped it and it rolled under my cage. Then I lost some feathers. Next, I lost my little piggy that lights up and I can't find it anywhere. I thought I lost my drum set but then I realized I never had one. I was so upset about losing everything that I started losing my mind but then I thought - that's stupid, I should've lost my mind before I lost everything else cuz then I wouldn't care about what I lost. ~
~ If you are having a birthday par
ty, don't assume that everyone will bring presents - like toys or bags of walnuts. Before the party, ask them first - and ask often. Cuz otherwise they might be embarrassed. ~
~ I've decided it's not a good idea to be chewing a toothpick when you're talking to someone, cuz what if they say something really funny and you start laughing so hard that you spit the toothpick right in their face? Especially if it's your last toothpick. ~
~ I'm SO excited! I love to ride my supper bowl back to my cage after I help mom make my supper and I just found out, today we're having a supper bowl party!! I guess that means I get to go on supper bowl rides all day long. I can't believe ......... excuse me ......... WHAT DID YOU SAY MOM? ...... SUPER bowl party? Oh. Okay, apparently it's a SUPER bowl party. Awesome - she has a SUPER HUGE supper bowl for me to ride .......... hold on ........... WHAT'S THAT MOM? FOOTBALL, YOU SAY? Wow, this just gets better and better. Apparently my huge supper bowl is as big as a football!! Why, I could ride IN my supper bowl .......... What NOW mom? .......................... uh huh .......................... hmmmmm. Well now. Seems I was mistaken. Wish she'd learn proper pronunciation. ~
~ They say that a lot of people have heart attacks while watching the Super Bowl cuz they get so excited. They say not to drink, smoke or eat fatty foods on Super Bowl day. They should add one more thing to that list .... don't go to sleep on a perch next to someone who's team just scored. ~
~ If your mom ever calls you a bad bird, just say, "I know you are but what am I?" It really annoys them. ~
~ Ohhh, I wish I could slam a door. Wouldn't that just be the topping on the cake? To be able to argue with mom, stomp out of the room and slam the door behind me. I tried it once, but the door just kinda went 'click'. But it was a loud click. I think she got the point. ~
~ In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is bacteria. I'm gonna start bathing in booz, and letting mom lick me dry. ~
~ Mom was ticked tonight! Last night, she gave daddy a list of things to pick up on his way home from work today. One of the items was 'cough candies' but dad read 'couch candies' and thought - well, that's a cute thing to call TV munchies. So he bought her candy instead of cough drops. Mom insisted she wrote 'cough' but dad still had the list to prove that indeed, she did write 'couch'. Mom's still coughing. ~
Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed Page 4