~ I love to sing and I love to sleep. I think mommy would rather listen to me sleep. Doesn't she realize it's HER voice I'm using? Now she knows how the rest of us feel.” ~
~ It doesn't matter how much money your family has cuz as long as you love each other, you are rich beyond compare. On the other hand, love won't buy all the fancy toys I want so, I'm getting a little bitter about love. ~
~ I got on mom's hand and we were going for a walk around the house when she stepped on a sticky patch of the floor. It made a loud ripping sound when mom lifted her foot cuz her slipper kinda stuck to it. Scared the bejeezus out of me! Between the rip sound and my sudden flapping, it scared the bejeezus out of little Neeka dog. And between the rip, the flap and the scurrying dog, it scared the bejeezus out of mom! She lost her balance, tripped over the dog, I fell off her hand and onto the dog, the dog ran one way, I flew the other and mom was left standing there, dogless and birdless with no idea where either of us got to. Jeez mom! Pick up a mop now and then! ~
~ Mom says I'm pigeon toed. And here I thought I was a purebred. I wish my birdie mom would have messed around with a bat instead. ~
~ I like the rocking chair but I’m too little to rock it. I have to call the dog so he jumps up and makes the chair rock, then I to tell him "Get down!" so it keeps rocking. Then I call him up again and tell him to get down again. That's how he gets his exercise. ~
~ Beep, beep, beep, beep! I'm backing up the aviary - everyone out of my way! Beep, beep, beep beep! Movin' this mother over to the potato patch! Beep, beep, beep, BEEP! Watch out - I don't drive too good, but I sure know how to do the backing up beeps! ~
~ Neeka the dog was sneezin' his nose. He looked like some kinda cartoon dog, he's so funny. He couldn't stop so I got right down on the bottom of my playstand for a front row seat. I was laughing and laughing until all the sneezing and laughing got mom's attention and she came in the room. That's when the fun ended. ~
~ I'd like to ride on my little dog Neeka's back but Min Pins barely have any hair to hang on to and mom says I’d puncture his skin. But a good idea would be for me to ride him, puncture him and then we could stick a hose in his mouth and use him for a garden sprinkler. I think he'd like that cuz then he'd feel useful. ~
~ I saw a snail crawling in the grass on the bottom of my aviary and I wondered, "Whoa little snail, where ya goin' in such a hurry?" ~
~ I defied grafity today. And lost. Tomorrow, I'm gonna defy logic. I think I have a good chance there. ~
~ I yam what I yam & I feed it to the dog. He is what he is and he eats like a hog. We loves YAMS! ~
~ Neeka thinks food grows out of the kitchen tiles when mom or dad is cooking. He sits there staring at the floor, just waiting for something to pop up. Dumb dog. Everybody knows food grows out of bowls. ~
~ Okay mom, so you don't like it when I toss your pork chop on the carpet. The dog and I don't mind eating off the floor, why should you? ~
~ I think it would be nice to live my life as an majestic eagle who soars through the sky and dominates all little creatures, rather than a stupid eagle who flies into a sharp branch and pokes an eye out. ~
~ Mom&Dad went out of town for a xmas party & I had to baby-sit the dog. I thought, when you baby-sit, you're supposed to change diapers so I spent most of the time wrestling Neeka cuz he wasn't being very cooperative. ~
~ I was on the back of the couch, barking at the paper man through the window & wondering why my dog Neeka wasn't sitting next to me barking too. Instead, he ran through the house, out the doggie door and appeared out the window. The man threw a COOKIE over the fence for him! And he didn't even share it with me, after all the food I throw to him. I'm gonna throw him a hot pepper next time. ~
~ Last night I felt like going to bed early so at 4:30 I climbed in my cage, said "Lights off" and waited for my bedtime almond. Mom said it was too early so I climbed out & right back in and said "Now?" Mom said no. I climbed back out, back in & said "Now?" Mom kept saying no, I kept going back & forth asking "Now? until she gave up, gave me my almond and covered me up. Don't know why she didn't listen the first time. ~
~ Mommy gave me a tough almond to crack before I went to bed. I don't like to work too hard for my almonds & this one didn't have a nice crack to get started with. I threw it to the cage bottom, expecting her to bring me another one or crack this one for me. She didn't. I couldn't give in front of her so I had to wait til I was covered and sneak down and get it. She's a tough nut to crack. ~
~ I've been begging and begging mom for a felt pen. Mom says you'll never be happy if all you do is think about all the stuff you don't have. Yeah? Well how bout I rip your lips off your face - then we'll see how you really feel about that. ~
~ I didn't like what mom served me for supper so I hid it in my talon toy bucket. I got away with it for about a week, until the ants told on me. ~
~ If mom ever dies, I'm going to mount her head on a wall. Out of respect. ~
~ Sometimes, when I’m feeling sleepy, I turn my head so mommy can only see one eye. Then, as I start nodding off, mommy thinks I’m winking at her and she feels flattered. ~
~ Sometimes, I feel the need to escape and go to my imaginary place. But last time I tried to get there, the road was blocked by giant turtles. They said they were checking for nuts but I didn't believe that. I should have though, cuz they confiscated my stash. I should have ran the road block cuz I'm pretty sure I could have out ran a turtle. Unless he was some kind of turbo turtle. ~
~ Mommy's mean. Every time she sees me yawn, she yawns too and it makes me stop mid-yawn. I wait for her to finish her yawn and then I try to yawn again but she mocks me again and makes me stop. I can't yawn when somebody's mocking my yawn. Yawning is serious business and she shouldn't mess with it. Nothing worse than a ruined yawn. I need a yawn. Big bad yawn. If you say yawn enough times, it stops making any sense. Yawn. ~
~ You know when you fall asleep and then you dream you're falling, falling, falling ... They say that if you ever hit bottom in your dream, you're dead. I think they're confusing that will real life. ~
~ When I shut my eyes, the whole world dies until I open them again. I hold the power of life and death. It's a burden I must carry. ~
~ This morning I said, "Want breakfast. Want corn." Daddy said we're out of corn. I said, "Want some potato." Daddy gave me spaghetti. I didn't want spaghetti for breakfast so I made him wear it. Now he has to find another shirt for work. That'll learn him. ~
~ Sometimes mom snaps her fingers to the music. I can't snap my talons but I can make the sound with my beak. I don't know how snapping turtles do it with their funny little feet. ~
~ Earning someone's trust is extremely valuable. That way, you can get away with stuff because they never suspect it. ~
~ Why do you humans have that ugly, flappy skin around your ear holes? You don't need it - look at me, I got no ugly flaps and I can hear just fine. If Van Gogh was deaf, how did he hear he was any good? ~
~ Eggs are so delicious, I have to wonder how birds don't eat their own when they lay them. I would like to meet the bird that lays chocolate eggs. Now THAT takes willpower. ~
~ I think a good invention would be banana that scratches your head and gives you beak rubs. How 'bout it Science? ~
~ One of these days, I wanna fly through a drive-through window at Burger King and get a Jr. Whopper for mom - no onions, no tomato. Just fries for me. I just have to learn to hover in one place for a long time while I wait for my order. Or plan it so a car is driving right behind me and I can sit on the hood. Then I could pretend I was a hood ornament. And a mighty handsome one at that. ~
~ You can't catch a hardball in your beak. ~
~ If your mom is trying a new diet and she's feeding you all the crap that she's eating, it's really lousy for you but even worse cuz she's cranky cuz she doesn't like the crap either but no matter how mad you get, never tell your mom her diet's not working. ~
~ I asked mom when lunch was ready and she said I
could have lunch at any time. So I ordered it last year. ~
~ Kerfuffle kerfuffle kerfuffle kerfuffle. Sorry, I just like saying that. Plus, it drives mom into a kerfuffle. ~
~ Has your mom ever handed an almond (with shell) to you through the cage bars? And when you go to take it, it won't fit? And there's nothing you can do but slide it up and down the bars, or let go and lose it? Yeah. That's what I thought. My mom is a sick woman. ~
~ I don't like pudding skin. I don't like the way one minute it's all soft and creamy and the next minute it grows a skin. If it can grow skin, it could probably grow legs and walk around. It's just that pudding is so tasty, nobody's ever left it alone long enough to find out. ~
~ Your body lets you know when something's wrong. You should listen to your body. Especially when it tells you you're dead. ~
~ Did you know that when mom's are mad, they don't blink? ~
~ On my windowsill, there is a winter fly who has died of old age. Is it wrong to eat dead things? Should I only eat them alive? Oh, who am I trying to kid - I like them crunchy. ~
~ I ate some supper last night and then I went to play with some toys. Mom came over and asked "Was it a good supper? Did you eat good?" And I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
~ I got regurge all over the back of daddy's hand and he tried to wipe it on mommy. I thought he'd appreciate it and if I'd known he was a regifter, I would have eaten it myself. ~
~ I wish food would scream when you ate it. It would make for an entertaining dining experience and really make you feel alive. ~
~ If someone tells you they're gonna make you eat your words, ask for juice to wash them down. ~
~ I ate a French fry before it could start talking French to me. French is so romantic and I didn't want it to seduce me into not eating it. I mean, make up your mind - are you French, or a fry? My belly says fry. ~
~ Mom's always telling dad she wants a globe of the world on a pedestal. That would be really cool cuz then all the flies would look down and freak out and think they flew too high. ~
~ I like Jello. It wiggles & jiggles & tickles inside me. ~
~ If you chew on a piece of chalk, you can drive your mom crazy. ~
~ I heard mom telling dad that she wanted a potato patch. That would be a good idea, since I can't seem to eat a whole potato. Iron-on patches probably wouldn't be a good idea for a potato patch though. Maybe an eye-patch. Cuz potatos have eyes. ~
~ Next time someone tells you "that's how the cookie crumbles", tell them you don't know what they mean and ask them to demonstrate for you. Then, eat all the cookie crumbs. And when they get upset that you ate their cookie, tell them "well, that's how the cookie crumbles - get over it." ~
~ Breakfast in bed! Not mine - mom's! I left little bits of toast & egg everywhere in case mom gets hungry in the middle of the night tonight. Unless the bedbugs find it first, but I hid everything pretty good. ~
~ MOM! If you're gonna put grape juice in my bowl, I’m gonna wade in it! If you don't want it all over my feet and the walls, serve it to me on a spoon like you’re supposed to! Are you retarded or something? ~
~ I love the twisty super bowls - I like to sit on the rim while mom twists them. What a fun ride - it makes me dizzy! But, if I’m gonna get dizzy, I should have a little baseball bat and pinata. ~
~ MOMMY! When you put that lump of crud in my bowl, I just assumed I wouldn't like it. Just as I tossed it with my beak, I got a taste of it AND LIKED IT but it was too late, it was flying out of my mouth! Could I have more please? The dog ate mine. ~
~ Scary monsters coming to our house all night! "Trick or treat" they say, "Give us something good to eat!" To get rid of them, you have to give them food. I thought monsters ate people but these ones seem to prefer potato chips. Phew! ~
~ If I were a bat, I wouldn't fly around looking for bugs to eat or blood to suck. I'd use my radar to find a Jello tree. I'd eat a bunch & then I’d take some & fly into people's hair and leave some there to get all sticky. ~
~ I get TWO breakfast's today! I already had peas but now Daddy's making porridge! Mom said "yuk" but I said "spakrak!". I don't really know what that means; it just kinda came out of my beak. I think I was just trying to find the opposite word of 'yuk'. ~
~ When I’m finished eating cottage cheese off a spoon and you don't want it thrown across the room, get the stupid spoon OUT OF MY FACE! ~
~ The people at the grocery stores must wonder why mom always buys like, 10 grapes, 3 brussel sprouts, 4 little pieces of cauliflower, 1 little broccoli spear, 1 celery stick. I bet they're thinking she eats like a bird but probably sneaks whole cakes when nobody's looking. ~
~ I like cats but there bones get stuck in my throat. ~
~ I like rice pudding. But I like my pudding on the side. So, I guess I like rice and I like pudding but not rice pudding. Forget I mentioned it. ~
~ Beware the killer carrots! Mommy grated a long piece off a long carrot and I was so excited that when she dangled it in front of my beak, I snatched the end of it so hard and fast that the rest of it whipped all the way around my neck! It clung to my feathers so when I pulled the end, all it did was tighten it's grip. It had me in a choke hold and I fought for my life. I won in the end but for now on, I’d like my carrots diced please. ~
~ All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast of porridge, bananas & rye toast. ~
~ Beans are so confusing. Once upon a time, I thought beans were green beans then daddy introduced me to a jelly bean and tonight mom shared some of her porkn' beans with me. I mean, c'mon! Why does mom insist on messing with my mind? I otta bean her in the head. ~
~ Sorry mom. I thought that bowl of grapes was a jackpot for meeee. I've tested almost every one and they're just fine. I thought you might like some wine so I stomped them real good too. It's okay, your guests won't mind. ~
~ Forget footprints in the sand. Butter's much better. ~
~ I've heard say that great thoughts reduced to practice become great acts. I had a great thought! So I acted on it. Bad move. Apparently, when you put a pea in your nostril, they're not content to just sit in the opening to freak mom out - they want to drill all the way to your brain. ~
~ It's easy for you to just sit there wishing for stuff. You may not get it, but it's easy wishing for it. ~
~ POPCORN! What an amazing and delicious invention! I'm gonna try that with everything - popbanana, poppotato, popnut, popoatmeal! The possibilities are endless! ~
~ Mom asked me today what the most important thing in the world is. I was going to say 'peace on earth' but then I said 'breakfast!' Pancakes, to be exact. Phew! I'm glad I didn't blurt out 'peace on earth' cuz then I'd still be hungry. ~
~ You know 'treading', to me, means 'walking on'. So when mom told me about treading water, I assumed I could walk on water. I cursed her all the way to the bottom of the sink. ~
~ I heard mom say she likes turkey so I fluffed up nice and big and pretended I was one. Then I heard her say she wants a turkey so I said "gobble, gobble, gobble". Next she was talking about stuffing a turkey and I thought it would be great if she stuffed me full of pine nuts til I was full but just as I was about to act like a turkey, I heard her say something about cooking and carving it! So I cawed like a crow. Don't ever eavesdrop on just part of a conversation. ~
~ Mommy went out but I didn't care. Then daddy said he had to go. "GO?" I said, "No, no, no, no! Where you go??" He told me he had to go to work to make some money. Dammit. Him and his 'get rich quick' schemes. ~
~Do you think plants cry when they're dying? I hate to see anything cry. I'd be like, shut up cry baby celery! If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about! Then I’d eat the celery to shut them up. And because I like celery. ~
~ Don't you hate it when your toes smell like garlic all day? ~
~ I wanna go head to head with a piranha. In the air though, cuz I can't swim. ~
~ I have learned that it is important to eat because food is an important part
of a balanced diet. ~
~ If I was going for a walk and came to a fork in the road, I’d look for people having a picnic and give it to them. Cuz they probably lost it. And they'd probably be like - hey, thanks man, I couldn't eat my potatoes without that. And then they'd offer me some as a reward and I’d show them how to eat without a fork. Cuz they seem like nice people. ~
~ When you eat your Pretty Bird Pellets, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, or crunch them very fast? Eat those tasty morsels, but tell me when I ask, when you eat your pellets, do you eat the red ones last? ~
~ Mom said I wasn't allowed to have chocolate. She said, "It's bad for you, it could kill you. You're not getting any. End of story." Well, that was a crappy story. And she calls herself an author. ~
~ Poe - tay - toe. That's how you say it. Not like, ta - ma - ta. They're very different. I don't like tomatos, so I never say it anyway. That way, I can't be corrected. Now, you can also say 'taters' but only if you know them well. Like me. ~
~ Pickles like tickles. Bananas wear pajamas. Peas you can tease. Honey tastes funny. Rice is nice. Beans just stink. You should always have fun with your food - except for beans. They don't deserve it. ~
~ I was playing on my ropes and boings and at the end of one rope, I have a big bell. I was hanging off it, swinging and attacking it when suddenly I fell off it. I forgot to fly and landed hard on the floor. Forgot to fly. I'm a sad excuse for a bird. ~
~ Eggs give my mommy gas. I'm glad she didn't know me back when I was an egg. She might have taken one look at me and farted. ~
~ I don't usually read the newspaper, even though it's delivered to my cage every day. Just because you read it doesn't make you smart. Eating it does. Cuz the words kinda stick to the ribs and stay with you so even if you forget what you read, you always have the knowledge inside when you need it. Except sometimes the words get a little mixed up and then it's kinda like playing scrabble. So anyway, eat your newspaper for breakfast. ~
~ I have decided to feed my dreams so I can eat in my sleep. Peppers perhaps. ~
Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed Page 8