~ Buddha say, the mind is everything; what you think, you become. Oh my God! I'm feces! ~
~ I don't understand why, but every morning mom and dad sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee and staring at my carpeting. They're weird. ~
~ I want an ergonomic perch. I have some lumber to support. ~
~ Questions, questions, questions. Do you wanna go for a walk? Do you want a snack? What does a dog say? What are you doing? She's always asking questions. It's like, don't you ever shut up mom? Yeah, NOW who's asking the questions? ~
~ I was napping on my perch this morning when there was a loud bang outside. I was startled and fell into my poop below. Now I have poop between my toes. ~
~ It's no fun to stay up all night if your mom and dad don't care. ~
~ Mom gave me a pepper core today cuz I like the seeds. I saved some to plant in my poop, cuz it's good fertilizer eh? ~
~ Daddy has a friend that looks like a bear. He's big and hairy and loud and he's always coming over to mooch some dinner and one time he killed a neighbor's dog. Oh wait, that WAS a bear. Sorry, I got mixed up. ~
~ You should never laugh at your mom when she's mad at you. ~
~ About the heaviest thing I can carry is a pair of scissors. And a grudge. ~
~ My Facebook® friend, Sam the dog, got to help his daddy rake up leaves by running through them. I never get to help with leaves but I get to do the same thing with poop. Mommy sweeps the dried poop into piles on my playstand and I jump in the middle and scatter it with my feet and beak. I think mommy appreciates my efforts.
~ Mom asked me if I chewed the door frame. "No!" I lied. She said, "Oh yeah? Then who did?" "Daddy!" I lied again. I heard that 2 lies make a positive so I should be in the clear. ~
~ Mom says I have a sharp tongue. I say, the better to cut your throat old woman. ~
~ Mommy gets dizzy when she stands up really fast. When I stand up really fast, I poop. Good thing mom doesn't. ~
~ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead but if I do, I’ll leave a poop trail. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow but if I do, I’ll nip your butt. Do not walk beside me either, just let me alone pick at things on the ground. ~
~ If you had a nickel for every time you spent a dollar, you'd have like, I dunno, 85% of your money back. That's a pretty good return on your money. I think you could get rich that way. ~
~ I like cheese, but I don't like Swiss Cheese. Cuz somebody already took all the fun out of poking holes in it. That's my job. ~
~ If I was falsely accused of something by my Facebook® friend, King Crayon, and I had to kneel before him, I would wear knee pads. Cuz I got really bony knees. ~
~ If I ever become Prime Minister of Canada, I hope I'm not mean to people, like I am now. ~
~ My poop has such pretty colors. If I eat different things, I get different colors. I could put it on mommy's painter's palette and she could make art with it. A dab of this, a dab of that. I might put it in tubes and market it. The world needs more poop on their walls. ~
~ When your mom gives you dinner in your bowl and it's disgusting? Turning the other way and pooping on it gets your point across pretty good. ~
~ I asked where daddy was & mom said, "Daddy's at work" and I said "Yeah, working at the store". Mom said, "Don't be silly, daddy's working in the parks" and I said, "Then what's he doing at the store?" Mom talks in circles sometimes. ~
~ Do you ever poop and a little bit doesn't come out? It kinda just hangs there and waves in the air? And your mommy chases you around to make sure you don't drop it somewhere? And that just makes you run faster? And along the way, it picks up dust and stuff? I do. ~
~ Mom decided she'd pull out all her paints and paint a picture. It turned out awful. I told her that's okay, it's like the 1st pancake - it's never the best one. Ohhh, speaking of pancakes - would you drop that brush and make me one? ~
~ Admit it, you humans are fascinated with our poop. Always looking for it, wiping it up and saving it in Kleenex, practicing poopology to learn more about what it means when it's a different color or texture. And you're always taking pictures of our butts and plastering it all over the Internet. This is why you put our food in deep bowls instead of plates, so you can cop a peek. Don't bother denying it. ~
~ Mommy! My poop mound is getting higher & higher under my favorite perch - it's getting closer & closer to my butt! If it gets any bigger, a beaver or marmot family is going to move in to it! And if it's beavers, they're gonna eat all my wood toys! Listen to a word I say! ~
~ You know, human snot looks a lot like bird poop. Humans should be proud. ~
~ My mommy's a little loopy, her mind is kind of soupy.
She is quite the quack, I won't take it back
But at least she cleans up my poopy. ~
~ We had this black&white cat hanging around for a year or so. I liked him a lot and I named him Stinky. He didn't like coming in the house or being petted or anything. And he never came when I called 'kitty, kitty'. Stinky was kind of a loner. Later, I found out he was a skunk. ~
~ The closer you get to fire, the prettier the colors. The closer you get to death, the brighter the light. The closer you get to poop, the more it stinks. Take your pick. ~
~ So, I'm sitting down below on the corner of my cage apron, all fluffed up and content when suddenly I have to poop. I let one fly on the carpet below & asked for my snack. Mom said - you don't get a snack for that, there's no paper there. Okay fine. I stuck my head in the cage door and pulled out the paper from the bottom of my cage, dragged it out, over to the corner and dropped it below. Now, I realize the poop is now below the paper but really, it's just a matter of semantics. Paper - poop, poop - paper. What's the difference? You wanted paper so now you gots paper. Give me my snack! ~
~My beautiful ebony eyes, they really can't disguise
That sweet I’m not, I’m really a snot
And I’ll never apologize ~
~ Soooo, mom had been saving some of my feathers but they were kinda dusty so she washed them. Then dad washed a big jar that her dill pickles were in and put them in there to keep them clean. She just went to pull one out for somebody and all my feathers smell like pickles - Not 'Pickles', but 'pickles'. She ragged on dad for not cleaning the jar good enough but I found it kinda fitting. ~
~ Mom told me if I touched her chocolate pudding, I'd be in a heap of trouble. I would have sooo much fun in a heap of trouble, I could just forage around and pick any trouble I wanted. Or I could stand on the top and play King of the Castle - or King of the Trouble - and give my Facebook® friend, King Crayon, a run for his money. ~
~ When I write my own book, I’m gonna have scratch&sniff pages and also peel&lick pages. That way, if the book's lousy, people will still say it smelled and tasted excellent! ~
~ I have been in 2 different newspapers now - write-ups about our book, Pickles The Parrot. Imagine! My carpeting is imposing pictures of me onto it! I've never been able to poop on my face before. ~
~ Toast is confusing. Mom&dad made a toast when mom's first book was published. Mom tells me if I keep teasing the dog, I’m gonna be toast. Then in the morning, with breakfast, she asks if I want toast. I'm never really sure if I should answer that. ~
~ Guess what? I get snacks for a reward when I beak the books on the signature page! And learning a new phrase - "Beak the book!" I don't always cooperate though and when I do, some of you may have noticed I got a little carried away on your books. But hey, that's just the kinda hair pin I am. ~
~ Mom thinks her ancient computer stifles her writing. I don't think it stifles her enough. Probably the only people who buy her books are the kind who moves their lips when they're reading. ~
~ Mom has finished the second book and it's now at the printers! How bout a big square of applause! ~
~ I'm getting pretty famous because of mom's book. I think they should make a movie about me and make me the star of that movie. But I heard the camera adds 10 pounds so that would make m
e 11 pounds! That might make it a scary movie. ~
~ I seem to have acquired a whole whack of Hedgehog friends. I was thinking that if I get enough of them, I could have myself an army but then I started thinking that maybe they wouldn't really make very good warriors. In the morning, I'd be like - okay, let's go to war! And they'd be like - well, I dunno, maybe, maybe not (cuz they’re hedgers). And then, if you got them out on the battlefield and gave the order for attack, it would be okay if the Hog side of them kicked in and they attacked like wild boers but what if they just started darting and dodging and hedging the enemy until the enemy broke through and took me prisoner. I could only hope the enemy was fluffy little bunnies. ~
~ I'm joining the army. I heard theys got something called a mess hall. That sounds like my kinda place. ~
~ I have a turtle that I play fetch with. But I usually fall asleep by the time he brings it back. I tried to teach him to roll over but he only goes half way and ends up on his back. I think he's mistaking 'roll over' for 'play dead'. ~
~ I don't like sitting directly in the sun, I prefer shade. And it's hard to look at it but mom says you can tell time from the sun. Sometimes I look but I've yet to find any numbers on it. ~
~ Dad was laying on the couch and I thought he was asleep so I climbed down and started on a walk-a-bout. He yelled, "You get back up!" so all my fun was ruined. Dad should tell me when he's asleep. ~
~ You can't eat stuff out of a box of Animal Crackers if you notice the seal has been broken after you bought it, unless you find the seal shaped cookie first. ~
~ Dad was talking about the car and how much horsepower it has. From what I can figure out, 150 horsepower is how many horses he can drag around with the car at one time. But if he does, I'm calling the SPCA. ~
~ If the Red Cross blood mobile got into an accident, you should stay away cuz I bet it would attract a lot of mosquitos. ~
~ I'm going to have a painting class and teach poop art. You must bring your own supplies. Oh, did I mention this is a finger painting class? ~
~ Mom told me that the moon is made of cheese but then I saw on television that it's actually hard as rock. I guess that's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long. ~
~ Laughter is the best medicine. But don’t count on it if you have, like, the plague. ~
~ No one is listening until you fart. ~
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About The Author
Georgi Abbott lives in Logan Lake, British Columbia, Canada with her husband (Neil), their Min Pin dog (Neeka) and Pickles The Parrot. She has written two other books, Pickles The Parrot and Pickles The Parrot Returns. Both books are about life with Pickles and his humorous antics. She also speaks about parrot behavior, diet and other parrot related issues.
Follow Pickles on Facebook®:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001506453441
Pickles’ Website: www.picklestheparrot.com
All books available everywhere in paper book and ebook.
Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed Page 10