by S. J. Hooks
“Hey you,” she purred on the other end.
“Julia,” I gasped, drawing a deep, ragged breath. “Are you OK?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Why?”
She’s fine? How can she be fine?
“I-I just woke up and the living room is…are you hurt?”
“No,” she said slowly. “What’s going on, Stephen?”
“You weren’t here, and I was so… I can’t remember everything from last night, but…are you sure that you’re all right?”
“Baby, calm down. I’m perfectly all right. What happened? You were fine when I put you to bed.”
“You put me to bed? I can’t remember much after, um, after what happened in the hallway and even that’s…a bit of blur,” I confessed.
“Hmm, it’s too bad that you can’t remember, because that was the best sex of my life,” she chuckled.
It was? How can that be?
“But…I was so rough with you, Julia. I practically forced you!” my voice cracked.
“You did no such thing,” she said calmly. “No offense, Stephen. I know that you’re really strong, but you were pretty drunk and I’m sure that I could have taken you if you had done something I didn’t want.”
“What? What do you mean, you could have taken me?”
“Stephen, I did kickboxing for a few years and I’ve taken a dozen self-defense classes. I can take care of myself. You didn’t do anything last night that hurt me. It’s not in your nature. You really don’t remember all the orgasms you gave me?”
“No, not exactly,” I admitted. “I mostly remember throwing you around like a ragdoll.”
“You did that, too,” she said. “And I enjoyed every second of it.”
“Really?”
“I swear. I had a great time. You kept asking me if I was OK, if I felt good. You may have been drunk off your ass but it seemed like your main goal was to get me off as many times as possible. Mission accomplished!”
“So you really enjoyed yourself,” I said, feeling my shoulders drop in relaxation.
“I really did,” she said. “In fact, I might need you to date more often if that’s what happens afterward.”
Absolutely not.
“No, no more dates,” I said, breathing out.
“Really?”
“Yes, you were right. Seeing two people at the same time gets complicated.”
“So you won’t be dating anyone?”
“No, I’ll just see you.”
“OK,” she said softly.
God, I wish I could see her face. Is she happy about this?
“Um, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Nothing. I woke up a little while ago but I was too lazy to get out of bed.”
“Do you want company?” I blurted out.
I really wanted to see her and get visual confirmation that she was, in fact, fine.
“Sure,” she groaned, sounding like she was stretching. “Why don’t I come by your place with some hangover food? I assume that you could use that?”
“Yes,” I admitted sheepishly.
“Great. Let me jump in the shower and I’ll be over in an hour or so?”
“That sounds good,” I said, smiling.
“I’ll see you soon,” she said and hung up.
“I can’t wait to see you,” I said, even though she couldn’t hear me.
And…and I think I might be in love with you.
Chapter 15
I can’t be in love with Julia! It’s not rational. It doesn’t make any sense!
Throwing my phone on the couch, I paced back and forth in my living room. I should have been appalled by the mess, but I couldn’t seem to care at the moment. I had far more disturbing things to contemplate. I couldn’t be in love with Julia. Our arrangement wasn’t about that. It was about sex and nothing more. We had both agreed on that when we started seeing each other.
It can’t be love. It just can’t.
I didn’t have any personal frame of reference on this particular topic. As far as I knew, I’d never been in love before. Sure, there had been infatuations, and I’d always been fond of the women that I’d dated, but I hadn’t experienced anything that qualified as love. But I had no idea what it was like to be in love, therefore, I couldn’t know if that was what I felt for Julia. I had to have some sort of answer before she came over. How could I find out?
Asking Matt was out of the question. He had never harbored deep feelings for a woman, of that I was completely sure. Plus, he’d never believe that I was making an innocent inquiry and would know something was up. I needed to approach this logically.
What would I do if this was an academic query?
I knew the answer immediately. I would do research. Turning on my computer, I threw some clothes on while it started up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
Research. I’m good at that. I excel at research. I can figure this out.
But I couldn’t use any of my usual search engines. Love in literature and poetry was too vague and there were far too many variables to consider. I needed facts. While I hardly ever used Google in academic research, I now saw no other choice but to type in “signs that you are in love.” I groaned loudly and scrubbed my face with my hands when I saw the results.
Three hundred million hits.
I did find a little comfort in the fact that I apparently wasn’t the only one who had trouble in this particular area of life.
“Signs that you’re in love…for fools,” I read out loud. That seemed oddly appropriate, since I was certainly a fool when it came to love. I clicked on the website and started reading with my heart in my throat.
Your stomach flips when you see this person.
That was true. I did get strange flutters in my stomach when Julia smiled at me. I just thought it was indigestion.
You’re willing to go somewhere you hate.
Check! I really hated her apartment, but I went there to see her.
You give up on casual dating.
Well, I had only had the one date, but I had decided not to see any other women. That was three out of three so far. This was not good.
You fantasize about this person all the time.
Double check! I fantasized and dreamed about her.
You act like an idiot.
Yes, I did. For someone who was supposed to be intelligent, I marveled at my own idiocy whenever she was around.
You hope every phone call you receive is from this person.
No, that wasn’t true! Finally. We texted each other, we didn’t speak on the phone. But I did hope every text message I received was from her. Damn it!
I swallowed a couple of times, staring at the screen. There was no denying the evidence. All the answers pointed in the same direction: I was a fool, and apparently in love.
But…I don’t want to be in love with Julia!
Absolutely nothing good could come from this revelation. She was all wrong for me: a wild party girl whose priorities in life were completely different from mine. We couldn’t even see each other openly because she was still in my class, and I was still her professor.
Plus, she doesn’t want to date you. Did you forget about that?
Julia didn’t date and she didn’t want a boyfriend. She wanted casual sex and nothing more. But then why would she offer to come over and hang out with me today? Surely she wasn’t expecting sex, seeing as I was hung over. If she just wanted sex then she would have waited to see me until I was feeling better.
I shook my head, regretting it instantly. My headache was back with renewed force, so I slowly made my way to the couch, lying down with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Maybe I was in love, but I couldn’t tell her that. She’d run for the hills if I revealed that I wanted something more and I couldn’t risk it. The only thing I was absolutely certain of was that I wanted to keep seeing her in whatever capacity I could.
Maybe the signs didn’t matter, and I didn’t love her. Couldn’t it be possible
that I was just overcome with lust for her? I certainly did my fair share of lusting after her, so that seemed plausible enough. I closed my eyes, running my hands through my hair. I didn’t know anything anymore. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be sleeping with one of my students, I would have laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But the fact remained that I was now having sex with a student on a regular basis, and it seemed that all logic and rationality had left me.
What the hell am I going to do?
Having no answer, I sat up and started cleaning up the broken glass from the wine bottle. I moved around the apartment on autopilot while tidying up the mess I’d made last night. After washing up, I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Was I really in love with my student?
The doorbell rang, making my heart pound wildly in my chest.
Julia.
Ignoring my headache, I ran to the door and pulled it open, looking her over. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits and smudgy makeup, but it didn’t bother me. Impulsively, I pulled her into my arms. She seemed unharmed, but I had to be sure. I took a step back, running my hands over her arms, her back, and her neck, finally cupping her face in my hands.
“You’re OK, you’re OK,” I heard myself whisper before my lips captured hers.
She let out a surprised sound but kissed me back after a second. My arms encircled her and the kiss quickly increased in intensity. I heard her dropping something on the floor as she fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me closer.
When I felt myself becoming aroused, I pulled back. It hit me with startling clarity that I had not intended for the kiss to become sexual. I had kissed her because I was relieved that she was all right and safe. I had kissed her because I was happy to see her. I had kissed her because…because I was in love with her.
I’m in love with Julia.
This was a nightmare. I was in love with the beautiful, unattainable girl in front of me and if I told her, she’d leave. She wanted none of my love. Groaning loudly, I dropped my head on her shoulder.
“Poor thing,” she said softly, rubbing my back. “Do you feel sick?”
Yes. Lovesick, apparently.
I nodded and felt her usher me into the living room, where she had me lie on the couch.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ve brought a few things to make you feel better.” I heard her walk back into the hallway to take off her coat and shoes before returning to my side. I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“Your eyes are all red,” she said, looking concerned.
“Yeah, I don’t feel very well.”
“Drink this.” She handed me a large cup with a straw. I knew better than to question anything that Julia offered me and took a large drink of the pink concoction.
“God, that’s good,” I said, taking another sip. “What is it?”
She smiled. “It’s a fruit smoothie—bananas, raspberries, some vanilla soy shit, and a little ginseng.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling back.
“You’re welcome. Most people eat a bunch of greasy stuff when they’re hung over, but that’ll just give you an assquake.”
I threw my head back and laughed, even though it hurt.
Assquake! You’re so funny. I love you.
“Ow,” I moaned, holding my head after my laughter died down.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “Sit back and relax.”
I did as she told me, watching as she put on a movie and pulled a sandwich out of the bag she’d dropped in the hallway. I smiled when I saw that it was just like the one I’d had the first night we slept together.
“You made this for me?” I asked, even though it was evident that she had.
“Yeah, I felt a little guilty about those texts I sent you, if they’re what caused you to drink so much.”
“That’s OK,” I said honestly. “I’m the one who should be apologizing.”
“Why?”
“I never meant to be so, um, rough with you. I hope I didn’t scare you?”
“Not at all,” she said. “I liked it.”
“Really?” I asked, taking a bite.
Mother of God, this woman can make a sandwich.
“Yeah. I mean, don’t misunderstand me or anything. I’m not really into whips and chains, but it was really hot that you took control.”
“Whips and chains?” I repeated, feeling a little shocked.
She shrugged. “I’ve dabbled a bit.”
“Um, dabbled in what, exactly?”
“Bondage. You know, getting tied up. Playing with a few toys. No whips, though. That’s a bit too freaky for me.” Her crooked grin made an appearance.
Bondage!
I nearly choked on my sandwich and coughed loudly. Julia patted my back and I took a drink of the smoothie.
“You like that?” I choked out, staring at her.
“Sure,” she said, smiling.
Oh, dear God, I couldn’t possibly do that, could I? That’s no way to treat a lady.
“But I don’t expect to do anything like that with you,” she said.
Thank God. But…why exactly?
“You don’t?” I asked, and I was more than a little shocked to hear that my voice was laced with a hint of disappointment.
“We can if you’d like,” she said. “I think it would be pretty damn hot being at your mercy.”
I pictured Julia tied to my bed, completely under my control.
That does sound appealing. God, I’m such a pervert. What’s happened to me?
“Stephen, are you still with me?” she laughed, waving her hand in front of my face.
I’d zoned out. “Sorry,” I said, trying to get the image out of my head.
“So, is that something you’d like to try?” she asked curiously.
Will she think I’m a degenerate if I say yes?
“I—I, um, I…” I stammered like an idiot.
“Can I take that as a yes?”
I breathed out, giving her a small nod while blushing like a schoolboy caught looking at a nudie magazine. Or like myself caught looking at a nudie magazine, if I were being honest.
“Cool.” She grinned. “I can’t wait!”
“Um, Julia. Are you sure you’d be OK doing that with me?”
“Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
I didn’t understand why she trusted me so implicitly. I could have severely injured her last night when I tossed her across hard surfaces and had my way with her. I outweighed her by at least sixty pounds and she was so small compared to me.
“What if I unintentionally hurt you somehow?”
“Are you kidding me? You’re the most considerate lover I’ve ever had. You seem more focused on my pleasure than your own most of the time.”
“Lover.” That’s definitely a step up from “sex buddy.”
I felt a rush of warmth in my chest. I was Julia’s lover. Her only lover. Stephen Worthington, the studious geek who couldn’t get a date to prom, was now the lover of this beautiful young woman.
How am I today, you ask? I’m great! Why? Because I’m Julia Wilde’s lover. I get to see her naked and everything. Oh, and did I mention that she wants me to tie her up and have sex with her? That’s right. Because I’m a very considerate lover. And I give her orgasms. Lots of them!
“Stephen!” she laughed, waving her hands in front of my face again.
“Sorry, I’m with you now, I swear,” I said, taking another bite of my sandwich. “And, by the way, this is delicious,” I added.
“Thank you. Where did you go just now?”
“Nowhere, I’m just inside my head today,” I said, offering her a smile. “I’m not used to drinking a lot.”
“I figured as much. So, you really don’t remember everything from last night?”
“I’m a little fuzzy on the details after what happened in the hallway,” I admitted.
“Well, you took me up against the wall over there,” she said, pointing to the broken shelf. “
Also, from behind, bent over the back of the couch, and again with me on my back on your dining table, my legs in the air. Oh, and there was a blowjob,” she added with a grin.
“Oh, my God,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“I do,” she said next to me. “I pissed you off. Don’t feel bad. I really liked that your punishment consisted of giving me multiple orgasms.”
Multiple orgasms? Hell yes!
I peeked at her through my fingers and saw that she was smiling.
“You’re so cute,” she said, leaning over to kiss me.
Her lips were soft and warm, and the kiss was gentle and slow. After a moment, she pulled away, reached into the bag, and fished out a smoothie and a sandwich for herself.
“Let’s just take it easy today, OK?”
We sat back and ate our sandwiches while we watched the movie she’d picked out. It felt so comfortable and I was completely relaxed in her company. She’d been so sweet to me and clearly she hadn’t come over here for sex. That was definitely a first. Maybe it meant that I was more to her than just a guy she slept with. I hoped so, because she was more to me than a casual sex partner.
I looked at her hand resting on her thigh, and I wanted to hold it. Slowly, I lifted my own hand, all the while sneaking glances at her face. She was watching the movie, completely unaware of my hand hovering a few inches above her own. My pulse thundered in my ears and I realized how absurd this whole situation was. I’d had rough sex with her last night, taking her on nearly every available surface in this room, but I was terrified of holding her hand. Holding hands definitely went outside the sex-buddy agreement and was something that you did with a girlfriend.