by KE Payne
“Me neither,” Nic groaned. “It’s a bit like a cattle market, isn’t it?”
“A bit,” I agreed. “You here alone?”
“No, my ex-girlfriend’s here somewhere.” Nic smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, I know it’s weird, but we’re still friends.”
“I’m here with my friends.” I jabbed my thumb behind me in the direction of Beth and Emily and laughed as Nic looked past my shoulder to them and raised her glass.
“So how long have you been single, Immy?” Nic asked.
I thought back to Fickle.
“Not long.” I laughed. “Last girlfriend did the dirty on me, so I’m cautious now, to say the least.”
I figured it wasn’t a lie calling Fickle my girlfriend. I thought that’s what she’d been, anyway.
“That’s rough.” Nic pulled a face.
“Yeah.” I sipped at my drink and looked at her. “I’m ready to meet another girl, but I’m not desperate, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” Nic smiled at me.
“It’s like my mate Joey says, it’ll happen when it happens.” I nodded.
“Is Joey one of your mates over there?” Nic jerked her head over to Beth and Emily.
“Oh no.” I leant back in my chair. “She doesn’t live in Oxford. Anyway, I don’t really think this is her sort of thing. Not one for dancing, is Joey…” My voice trailed off.
Nic nodded. “I see.”
We chatted for a while longer, and over another round of drinks, Nic started telling me about her previous girlfriend, about her job and a little bit about her family. She was nice, kinda quirky, and all the time I was talking to her, I could practically feel Beth and Emily egging me on from behind me.
I told her some more stuff about Fickle, and about how she’d been the first girl I’d properly fallen for, and how she’d broken my heart. I didn’t tell her I’d met her online; I guessed I thought she might be a bit weirded out by that, I dunno.
“But I’m totally over her now,” I said hastily. “Joey, she’s been brilliant through it all, helping me get over her…” My voice trailed off.
“Do you want another?” I pointed to her glass, which was now empty.
“Dance first, then a drink, yeah?” Nic asked.
I didn’t want to dance one little bit, me being the sort of person who has two left feet and feels dead self-conscious when I get anywhere near a dance floor, but before I’d had a chance to protest, Nic had pulled me to my feet and had practically dragged me into the crowd of people already dancing.
“I’m a crap dancer,” I shouted in her ear, kinda feebly.
“Me too.” Nic winked. “We’ll have fun!”
We danced a bit and, yeah, I felt awkward, gawky and shy, but Nic’s enthusiastic dancing, if not always conventional, at least made it difficult for me to feel too uncomfortable. By the third song I was out of breath and dying for a sit down, but just as the music stopped, a slower track came on.
“I’m done!” I laughed, mock fanning my face and turning to go.
“I’m not,” Nic said, reaching out and grabbing my hand, pulling me towards her. She pulled me in close to her so that I could feel the heat from her body, and wrapped her arms round my shoulders, starting to move against me as the music played on.
I put my arms round her waist, feeling her hips moving against me, and tried to stop feeling so nervous. The music and the heat and the noise were swirling round my head, and all I was aware of was Nic, pressed up against me, her brown eyes gazing into mine.
She suddenly looped her hand behind my head and pulled me in to kiss her, her lips feeling warm and soft against mine. It didn’t feel like kissing Matt; this felt different. She was soft and tender, allowing her lips to gently brush against mine, making me tingle. I liked the feeling of it, far more than I had ever done with Matt. I kissed her back, enjoying the taste of her, loving the feeling of the warmth and softness of her body pressed against mine, so much nicer than the hardness of Matt’s body that I had only ever been used to before.
Finally she pulled away and grinned at me.
“You’re a good kisser!” she whispered in my ear before kissing me again.
I felt like my head might explode, like it was filled with a million party poppers all going off at once. So this was what kissing was supposed to feel like! This was how good it was supposed to make me feel!
We pulled away from our kiss again. Grinning, I took her by the hand and led her back to the bar, holding her hand all the while as we negotiated our way through the other dancers and away from the dance floor.
“Now for that drink.” Nic laughed, fishing a £10 note out of her pocket and waggling it at me.
I turned and looked over to Emily and Beth, both still sitting at the same table as they were before, both with grins on their faces like a pair of Cheshire cats. I noticed the girl who’d been with them had now gone, so I jerked my head at them both, as if to say, “You two all right?”
Still grinning, they nodded in unison, Beth raising her eyebrows in Nic’s direction, a playful look on her face.
“Beer please, mate,” Nic was now saying to the bar guy. “I’m parched,” she said, turning to me, as if to explain.
I nodded.
“Joey’s choice of drink, like, always.” I laughed, then stopped myself. “So she says,” I added, kinda weakly.
“Joey, huh?” Nic winked.
“I’m sorry?” I looked sheepishly at Nic.
“No matter.” Nic laughed. “You still on the vodka?”
“Yeah, thanks.” I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, taking in details of her.
Nic handed me my vodka, watching me closely as she did so. We were still at the bar, the table that we’d been sitting at before our dance now taken by a group of four or five women, all chattering and laughing excitedly.
“Avanti!” Nic laughed, raising her glass to me and taking a large gulp of her beer.
She placed her glass back down on the bar and looked at me.
“You talk about this Joey girl quite a bit,” she said. “Did you know that?”
“Do I?” I said, kinda airily. “I didn’t know I did.”
“Uh-huh.” Nic nodded, smiling. “You like her, don’t you?”
I took a sip of my vodka, looking at Nic as I did so.
“Yeah,” I said. “She’s a mate.”
“Is that all?” Nic asked.
“Oh God yeah, I…” I stopped myself. “I…”
I was stuttering. An image of Joey swam into my head; an image of Joey as I’d seen her dozens of times before on Skype, pulling faces at me, larking around, poking her tongue out at me, sitting with a baseball cap on back to front or something, just ’cos she knew it looked daft and it would make me laugh. I could see her face, her eyes, her hair cascading down round her shoulders. I could hear her soft voice talking to me, giving me advice, making me laugh, calling me “chickeroo, kiddo, chick”, all the things she called me which, unbeknown to me until now, had made me feel something. It had made me feel safe and wanted. Joey made me feel safe and wanted.
I looked back at Nic and guessed the expression on my face told her everything she needed to know. She smiled at me and suddenly drained her drink.
“I think I’m gonna go.” she said, touching my arm.
I shook my head.
“No, wait,” I said. “I thought we were getting on well?”
“We are,” Nic grinned. “But I’m still gonna go.”
“Oh,” I said, feebly. “Why?”
“I think you like this Joey girl more than you’ll admit,” Nic said. “But I do have to go, honest. I have a seven a.m. start tomorrow.”
“Can I see you again?” I asked halfheartedly.
“Get this shiz sorted out with Joey first, then call me, yeah?” Nic said.
“There’s no shiz, as you call it, to sort out with Joey,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “Now, gimme your phone number.” I grinned at her.
I took out my
mobile and put her number into it as she was reading it out to me, telling her I’d call her in the week, if she wanted me to? She smiled at me, then suddenly leant in to me and kissed me quickly on the lips before turning and making her way around the tables in the bar and out of the door.
I stood at the bar, kinda numb, a tingle still on my lips from where she’d just kissed me. I wanted to touch my lips, you know, like they always do in the movies? But then I figured Emily and Beth were still watching me, and thought again. Sure enough, the pair of them was still seated at the table, deep in conversation over something. I wandered over to them and plonked myself down on the chair next to Beth.
“That was quite a show, wasn’t it?” She grinned at me.
I felt my face start to go red.
“Come on, then,” Beth added. “Spill. Name? Age?”
“Nic,” I said, looking at the door that Nic had just gone out of. “Oh, age? I dunno, I never asked her.”
“So, did you get her number?” Emily leant across the table to me.
“Yeah,” I said, waving my phone in the air as if to confirm it.
“And you’re going to call her, right?” Beth asked. “You seemed to, uh, you seemed to be getting on well.”
Emily looked in amusement at Beth.
“Yeah, of course I’ll call her,” I said truthfully.
I would call her too. I knew I would.
“Try to at least look a bit happier about it then, Immy!” Emily frowned at me. “Aren’t you pleased? I thought this was what you wanted?”
I looked at Emily.
“I am pleased, ’course I am,” I smiled. “Nic’s wicked. I really like her.”
I looked at Beth and Emily.
“And thanks for coming with me tonight, you’ve both been great too,” I added.
“Thass all right.” Beth grinned.
“We told you you’d find someone here, didn’t we?” Emily high-fived Beth. “We’re always right!”
They were always right, yeah. But was Nic right about what she’d said to me about Joey?
Chapter Twenty-two
Try as I might, it was difficult to forget about what Nic had said. I’d really liked Nic, I mean, proper liked, and kissing her had been perfect—there was no other word to describe it that could do it justice. It had been just, well, magical and perfect.
And, okay, so I’d only ever kissed Matt before, so I couldn’t exactly say I was an expert in it, but the fact that kissing Nic had made me feel like my head was spinning and I was floating in the air had to mean it was having some sort of effect on me, right? Kissing Matt had only ever felt, I dunno, strained, forced and, well, dull, really.
But the more I thought about what had happened, and what Nic had said to me about Joey, the more it made sense. I tried to replay the evening over in my head, trying to remember what had happened, what I’d said to her and whether, as she’d suggested, I’d mentioned Joey’s name more times than I should have done. When I thought back, I came to the conclusion that Nic was probably right. Subconsciously Joey had been with me every step of the way. Everything I’d done, seen, spoken about, I’d had Joey on my mind.
I’d thought about what it would have been like if she’d been there with me. What would she have worn? What would she have drunk? She wouldn’t have danced, that much I was sure of, because she’d told me in previous conversations that she had two left feet and did everything possible to avoid dancing. We would have sat together at a table, I thought, and watched other people dancing, both of us grateful that the other didn’t want to dance. I was sure we’d have had a giggle at some of the people there too, and would have dissolved into a heap of sniggers at the first person we’d seen funny dancing, or dressed silly.
Me, Beth, and Emily shared a taxi home from the club that night. I sat in the back of the taxi with them, travelling the whole way home in virtual silence as they both chattered away to one another, me lost in my own thoughts. After I’d been dropped off at home and had said my good-byes, I headed straight to my room, got undressed, and crawled into bed. I lay on my back, fingers linked behind my head, and stared up at the ceiling. It was, after all, the place where I did my best thinking, and I needed to think about things now more than I had done in a long, long time, certainly since all that shit with Fickle.
I realised that I knew Joey like she’d been my friend all my life. Even though we’d been talking to each other for just over two months, I felt like I knew her better than anyone else in the world, family aside. But possibly without me actually realising it, she’d become more than a friend, and I suddenly thought I didn’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t in my life anymore.
I thought back to Joey’s messages to Willow online and wondered if they had shaken me up more than I’d realised. Maybe seeing those had been just the kick up the arse I’d needed to make me realise that I’d started to think of Joey as being more than just a friend. I mean, she was a friend to me, and in my own way I loved her for that. But those messages seemed to have stirred something deeper inside me, something that went deeper than just friendship.
I replayed the conversation I’d had with Joey when I’d told her she was more like a sister to me in my head, and cringed. I remembered how I’d told Twiggy that the idea of me and Joey would have been too weird, and wondered why on earth I would have said that. Maybe because me finding out that Joey liked me had kinda come out of the blue? Maybe it was some sort of innate defence mechanism I’d developed since Fickle, one that made me cautious when another person online said they liked me. I hadn’t been cautious with Nic, but perhaps that was because, subconsciously, I didn’t really care whether I saw her again or not.
But I cared about Joey, and the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. She’d told me that she liked me, and I’d practically thrown it back in her face and now it was too late.
She’d moved on and I only had myself to blame.
*
I woke up the next day, Sunday, with a feeling of, I dunno, melancholy. I had a feeling that I might have dreamt about Joey, but you know how it is when you think you’ve dreamt something, and at the time you dreamt it, it was wonderful and fabulous, but when you try and recall it the next morning, you can’t, no matter how hard you try? That was what was happening to me that Sunday morning.
I wanted to talk to Joey, not to make any declarations of love or anything daft like that, but just to hear her voice, to let me know she was still around, and that she hadn’t disappeared from my life. I picked up my phone from the bedside cabinet and, through sleepy eyes, sent her a text asking her if she’d be online later. I kinda hoped that just one word from her would take this heavy feeling of downheartedness that seemed to be weighing heavily on my chest, almost like someone was sitting on me, away. One word from Joey and everything would be all right.
I scrolled down my list of contacts, finally stopping on Nic’s name. I looked at her name, remembering her face, her laugh, her kiss, and how she’d made me feel last night. I started writing a message to her:
Hey Nic, it’s Immy LOL…
I snapped my phone shut again, not sending the message, not saving it either, thinking I’d send her something later, but knowing deep down I probably wouldn’t. Instead, I quickly got up, showered and dressed, and headed downstairs, pulling my jumper over my head as I did so. Dad was in the kitchen, trying to scrape burnt bits from toast and make coffee at the same time.
“Your mother’s having a lie-in,” he said, rolling his eyes and grinning as he buttered some toast. “And put in a request for breakfast in bed.”
“Nice,” I said, opening a bottle of milk from the fridge and sniffing it.
“You have a good time last night?” Dad rubbed his hand affectionately up and down my back. “We didn’t hear you come in.”
“Yeah, it was okay,” I replied, smiling at him. “I wasn’t late. Midnight or so.”
“And you got a taxi home?” It was more of a statement than a question.
/> “Of course, Dad!” I puffed out my cheeks in mock exasperation. “Shared one with Beth and Emily.”
“Good.” Dad leant over and kissed the top of my head.
He picked up the tray with coffee and toast on and headed for the door.
“Best get this to your mother before she starts ringing a bell, huh?” He winked at me.
“You’re soooo under the thumb, Dad!” I laughed, shaking my head.
“I am to all of you girls,” Dad winked again before hooking the kitchen door open with his foot and heading out of the door. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way!” he called as he headed off up the stairs again.
My phone beeping from inside my jeans pocket made me put down my coffee and fish it out, flipping it open. It was from Joey, telling me she’d be online later that afternoon if I fancied a chat.
My immediate thought was that she was putting me off until later in the day because she wanted to talk to Willow first, but then I shook my head angrily and frowned. Joey would never do that; if Joey said she wouldn’t be around until later, that meant she really wouldn’t be around until later.
I spent the morning deep in thought, while at the same time fielding a barrage of questions from Beth, who had been texting me all morning, like someone possessed, about Nic:
But ur going 2 call her, aren’t u?
She was well in2 u, Immy!
Don’t let her slip away…
These were just three of the approximately twelve texts she managed to send me up until lunchtime when she finally stopped—and that was only because she said Matt was taking her out for lunch.
Matt.
She mentioned him so casually that I barely even noticed, but the mention of his name seemed to plunge me even deeper into thought. Beth had been seeing him for a good few weeks now and they seemed blissfully happy. I thought back to the night a couple of months ago when I’d been to see Anathema play at the Metro and Ryan had given us all lifts home. Ryan and his girlfriend Lou had been so happy, and I remembered how I’d wanted to be as blissfully in love as they had been—and still were.