She spotted another beam of light bobbing up ahead, someone probably coming off of watch shift. It was only when she had rounded a tree that she remembered Quinton hadn’t been at the lodge because he was on watch.
The thought of darting off the path and into the trees flashed through her mind but there wasn’t time. Quinton had already spotted her, his feet coming to a sudden stop as he stared at her. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but she looked away from him, marching ahead with purpose. As she passed him on the path, only a foot between them, her eyes darted over to look at him unwanted.
Anguish filled his eyes, his face crestfallen, and she forced herself to once again look away as she left him on the path.
She wouldn’t change her mind, no matter how miserable he looked. She felt Ruthie stir in her arms, lifting her head off her shoulder.
“Night night, Quinton,” she called out in a sleepy voice.
“Night night, Ruthie,” came the mournful reply and Janet sped up, needing to leave him behind.
It hurt her to hear him and she didn’t want that. If she let any sympathy for him take root inside her, she would forgive him and that couldn’t happen. Forgiveness was just another step to being with him again and she wouldn’t make that mistake again.
She hugged Ruthie tight to her, feeling her quiet breathing that meant she had drifted off in her arms. No, she would never put her children at risk by letting a man she couldn’t trust into her life, no matter what her heart said.
Subject File #750
Administrator: I want to touch on something you mentioned in our last session. I asked if you had taken a life before and you said yes but didn’t want to elaborate. Would you care to now?
Subject: It was a man who tried to kill Quinton.
Administrator: And how did that make you feel?
Subject: It didn’t make me feel anything.
When the festivities had started up, Veronica had taken Audrey back to the cabin. She’d gotten a break yesterday but if they kept giving in every time there was something fun, what was the point of grounding her?
Besides, Veronica was more than happy to have an excuse to head back to the cabin early.
Everyone had treated her the same as they always had. She’d even briefly forgot about it when they had been playing around at the beach. But when she had sat down for dinner in the lodge, she felt like their eyes were all on her when she wasn’t looking. They might not be saying anything to her but she knew they were thinking it.
“So what do we do now?” Audrey asked, looking out the cabin window where the summer sun was still lighting the sky.
It was much too early for bed even if Veronica was tempted to crawl into her own to rest her protesting muscles. It had been hard work digging out the foundations and she knew she would be even sorer in the morning. The much younger girl seemed indifferent to the whole thing and Veronica realized she was getting old.
She noticed the dirt that was scattered on the floor by the door, tracked in on everyone’s boots. Well, there was an idea.
“We’re going to clean the cabin.” Audrey groaned. “What, you thought being grounded was going to be a picnic?”
“You know, I am really sorry for what happened,” Audrey said, batting big innocent eyes at her. “It was stupid and I should have known better. It will never happen again.”
Veronica smirked as she handed Audrey the broom and dustpan. “I’m glad you learned your lesson but you’re still going to clean.”
Audrey tried to hide her annoyance as she took the broom and went to the corner to start sweeping. Veronica grabbed a couple rags they kept in the kitchenette to start to dust the furniture.
“You know, I’m not faking it,” Audrey said as she swept. “I was joking before. I know that I screwed up.”
“And that’s what this grounding thing is about,” Veronica told her. “My dad once told me that it’s not enough to say you’re sorry, you have to show it. The best way to make amends is to show you have learned. You screwed up by not following the rules and to prove you’ve learned from that screw up, you’re going to have to follow our rules.”
Audrey nodded and went back to sweeping, moving a small pile of dirt and dust into the pan and dumping it outside. When she came back in, her forehead was deeply wrinkled, her mind working over some problem. She went back to sweeping the rest of the floor and Veronica kept watching her from the corner of her eye as they clean. The girl was chewing over something but Veronica decided to wait and let her come out with it when she was ready.
It took until they had the whole place swept and free of dust and had taken a seat outside on the porch to let the night breeze cool the sweat they had worked up.
“You said I need to show that I’m sorry,” Audrey began, “But I’ve been trying to think of a way to show you that I’m sorry I hurt you and I can’t come up with anything.”
“Oh sweetie, you didn’t hurt me,” Veronica told her.
“Yes I did,” she insisted. “I saw you at the dock. The way you looked...I’ve never seen you like that. I did that to you.”
Well, that was a kick in the teeth, wasn’t it? Audrey thought that she had been the cause of her breakdown. While it was true that Audrey’s disappearance had been the trigger, her reaction was completely on her.
Veronica sighed, trying to sort a way to explain it to the girl.
“Yes, I was scared that you were missing but the things I did because of that fear aren’t your fault. I made my choices and my mistakes all on my own. I’m trying to make amends for those mistakes, just like you are.”
“Is that why you are trying to avoid everyone?” she asked.
So even Audrey, as young as she was, had noticed that.
“I scared them so I’m trying to give them space.”
“But I don’t get it. You thought Harold had done something bad to me. Isn’t it right that you were trying to stop him?”
Veronica smiled sadly at the girl. She’d have to tell her the truth. There was an important lesson to be learned here but she hated that the girl might look at her differently when she heard the truth.
“That’s the thing, Aud, that wasn’t what I was doing. It wasn’t about protection or stopping him. Maybe at the beginning it was, when I was trying to find out where you were, but at the dock, when I saw that dead body, I thought it was you. I thought he had killed you and I wanted to kill him. What I wanted was vengeance and that was wrong.”
The girl chewed at her bottom lip as she considered what she just told her. “Why was it wrong?”
“Well, because Harold didn’t do anything to you.”
“But why was it wrong to want revenge?” Veronica frowned at her, not understanding what she was asking but the girl continued. “You thought he had hurt me, of course you’d want to hurt him back. If I thought someone had hurt you, I’d want to hurt them back.”
Audrey’s face was grim, her jaw set at a hard angle, her eyebrows drawn low with determination. Veronica looked into her eyes and she saw anger there. This was a girl who had watched her parents die, who had wanted nothing more than to kill every freak in the world to avenge them. She was young, full of emotions she didn’t understand, ones that she shouldn’t be experiencing at her age. If someone Veronica’s age could barely handle them, what hope did a young girl have?
Maybe her only hope was to go along the same path Veronica herself was taking. She had the wisdom to know her emotions were wrong and she had to pass that along to Audrey. She needed to learn to control them as much as Veronica did.
“I know that you’d want to hurt them,” Veronica said, “But that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.”
“Why not?”
Good question. How was she to explain it when she barely believed it herself?
Because you want to be a better person, a plaintive voice whispered to her. Because you want the girls to be better people.
And maybe Audrey wouldn’t learn that until she knew the
whole truth. The truth that Veronica wasn’t ready to tell to anyone else.
“You know that we’ve fought dangerous people before,” Veronica said. “When we first found the others at the park, there were men attacking them.”
Audrey and Hannah had stayed out at the road with Jenny that day and Veronica hadn’t been sure how much Audrey knew about what had happened.
“I heard the gunshots that day,” Audrey told her, “And I heard the others talking about it a few times. They were the men who shot Craig and tried to kill you and Travis.”
Veronica nodded. “The reason they shot Craig is because they had tried to kidnap Lorraine. They didn’t even know Travis and I and they ran us off the road. They could have left it at that but those men kept searching until they found the camp. Malcolm and the others had no choice but to defend themselves against them. It wasn’t a good thing but it was necessary.”
She braced herself for the story that was to come. She knew that after this, Audrey wouldn’t look at her the same way but she needed the girl to understand. If she didn’t, she risked becoming just like Veronica.
“When Jackson and I left you at the van with Jenny, we went to the camp and we got there just as things were done. Malcolm and the others had been able to stop the men. I could see the camp through the trees, including Quinton. You remember how badly I wanted to find him, right?” Audrey nodded. “So you know how happy I was to finally see him. I went to call to him but then a shot went off and he dropped to the ground. There was still a man out in the trees. I thought he had killed my brother so I went after him and I killed him. It’s not something I’m proud of but it’s the truth.”
“Why aren’t you proud of it?” Audrey was frowning in confusion. “You protected your family.”
“But that’s not what I was thinking when it happened. All I saw was the man I thought had killed my brother and I wanted to kill him. I didn’t think about stopping him from shooting the others or even myself. If I had, I would have just knocked him out. Instead all I could think about was revenge and that was wrong.”
Veronica sighed as she tried to push back those memories, feeling sick to her stomach as she faced what had really been behind that attack. She had lied to Quinton when she had told him it had been no big deal and that she had killed the man to protect the others. Maybe she had been lying to herself back then too. Now she had to face the truth.
“We’re living in a world that’s different than the one we were born into. I wish I could say that things will eventually go back to the way they were but I’m not sure how long that is going to take. Right now, the world we live in is dangerous and there are people out there who want to hurt us but that doesn’t mean we should be out there killing. We have seen too much death. We shouldn’t want to cause more of it.”
“I think I get what you mean,” Audrey replied. “It’s like on the bridge when we got stopped. We could have fought those people but we gave them our stuff so we could cross the bridge.”
“That’s right,” Veronica said, grabbing onto the memory. She was grateful to Alan Wakefield for his actions that day, and she had never expected to be grateful to that man. “Alan was smart and found another way to solve the problem that didn’t involve violence. That’s something that I have to learn and I want you to learn it too. Violence shouldn’t be our go to when things get bad.”
And that was what she needed to remember, just as much as Audrey did. She needed to be a better person, not just to appease her own guilt but to set a good example for Audrey and Hannah.
Hannah’s childish voice drifted through the trees and a few moments later, she appeared on the path holding Jackson’s hand. She let go of it to run towards them, a big grin on her small face.
“Guess what?” she cried out when she reached the porch. “I beat Jackson three whole times at Go Fish. He’s really bad at it.”
Veronica smiled and glanced up as Jackson joined them. “Not your game, huh?”
“Tried to teach her Blackjack but she didn’t take to it.”
“It has too much counting,” Hannah said, her smile dipping into a frown. “It’s not fun.”
“Well, we will work on your numbers so you can beat Jackson,” Veronica replied, “Then it will be fun. Now, go on inside and wash up for bed. You too, Aud.”
The girls went inside and Jackson propped his boot up on the bottom step, leaning forward to study her.
“Supposed to take watch on the cliffs,” he said, “But if’n ya want me to stick ‘round, Banks said he’d take my shift.”
She knew he was worried about her. He’d wanted to come back with her and Audrey but she’d made him stay so Hannah could have some fun with the others. She appreciated his concern but she knew it wouldn’t help her. She needed to work through this herself.
“I’ll be fine,” she assured him. “I’m not feeling the need to take hostages tonight.”
He chuckled at her joke. “Alright, I’ll see ya in a coupla hours then.”
As Jackson set off to watch, a light appeared on the path and Quinton emerged from the shadows. He exchanged a greeting with Jackson as they crossed paths and then headed towards her.
“Hey,” Quinton said, his voice despondent, and when he stepped into the lantern light, she saw the sadness in his eyes. “How’s it going?”
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
He sighed deeply then and dropped down beside her on the porch. “Janet broke up with me.”
“What? When?”
“Yesterday after she found out that I knew about Glen and didn’t tell her.”
Veronica hadn’t had a clue. A whole day and she was just finding out. She had been so wrapped up in her own issues she hadn’t even noticed her brother’s pain. She was a shitty sister.
“Oh Quint, I’m so sorry,” she said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
“It’s my own fault. I should have just told her the truth in the first place. She even asked me if there was something I wasn’t telling her but I lied.”
Something she hadn’t thought about was why her brother kept it secret. It hadn’t really been on the list of her concerns but now she wondered.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?” she asked, trying her hardest not to sound accusatory.
Thankfully he didn’t take offence. “Harold made me promise not to tell anyone. He was afraid that if the others found out, they’d want Glen gone. Harold had made a promise that he would cure him. We both know that Harold was right to worry we’d want Glen put down.”
He did have a point. “But you could have argued for Harold, convinced everyone it was for the best to take a chance.”
“Yeah, I get that now,” he said sadly and she realized she wasn’t saying anything he hadn’t already kicked himself over.
“Sorry,” she said, “And I’m also sorry that she ended things with you. I know you really cared for her.”
“She told me she wants me to stay away from her kids too. That she doesn’t trust me with them.”
She knew how much that would hurt her brother and the loyal part of her wanted to hate Janet for it but she also understood. The safety of her children had to be at the top of her list and she had to make her decisions based on that.
So all Veronica could do was hug her brother and sit with him as the crickets chirped and the sounds of the girls washing up drifted out to them. Soon the pitter patter of little feet came up behind them and Veronica turned to see Hannah standing there in her PJs, a book clutched to her chest.
“Can we read now?” she asked, holding out the copy of The Secret Garden they read from each night.
“I should get going anyway,” Quinton said, standing up and dusting off his pants. He looked over to his dark cabin, a frown on his face.
“Claudia’s on watch tonight, right?” Veronica asked and he nodded. “Why don’t you stay and read with us?”
Quinton seemed ready to say no, obviously still feeling down and she wondered if his ban from being
in the lives of the Hastings kids made him hesitant to be around her girls. Before she could say anything, Hannah darted forward to grab Quinton’s hand.
“Come on, Quinton, we’re at the best part,” she said, tugging at his hand and giving him no choice but to follow her inside. “Have you ever read it before?”
“I haven’t.”
“Then you have to read it with us,” Hannah insisted. “It’s so good.”
He gave Veronica a sheepish smile and let the girl lead him inside the cabin. Veronica watched them go inside and join Audrey on the couch, Hannah placing the book in Quinton’s lap and telling him which page to open it to. It warmed her heart to see them together. It reminded her of the reason why she had needed Audrey to understand that she couldn’t let vengeance destroy her. She didn’t want to ever lose this, to taint the good people in her life with her own mistakes. She had to be better for them.
PART 2
Subject File #742
Administrator: You seem anxious about going to visit Darren and his group on the mainland. Why? You’ve gone there before.
Subject: It’s not going over there that’s got me anxious. It’s what the others are doing. I want to be there too.
Administrator: Why?
Subject: Because I’m supposed to be their leader.
“I know I shouldn’t be complaining but I’m getting tired of pancakes.”
Trey was frowning down at the bowl he was holding and Malcolm had to laugh. “You sure you’re not just tired of them because you have to make them?”
“Maybe.” Trey lifted up his whisk, the pancake batter dripping back into the bowl and made a disgusted face. “We’re supposed to get eggs today, right?”
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