Because Salty was paying more attention to them than to her.
It was ridiculous. She couldn’t possibly be jealous of somebody she didn’t want. And yet, apparently she could. She could have understood it if he had been as handsome as Roger, but Salty’s looks weren’t what attracted her to him. He was just an average man, and she was a grown woman who’d been on her own for six years. She had more reasons than she had time to catalogue why she didn’t want to be attracted to any man, so it irritated her that she should be so foolish.
She picked up the last plate, scrubbed vigorously, then rinsed it in the stream. The forks were cleaned similarly, driven into the sand a few times. Sarah washed her cup and glanced over at her children as she dried it. They were still focused on Salty, their eagerness visible even in the dimming evening. Occasionally a reflection of firelight flashed in their eyes. They looked so happy, so full of hope, she couldn’t remain apart from them a moment longer.
It took only a few more minutes to complete her task. When she rose to her feet and turned to go back to the wagon, the children were seated on either side of Salty. He was speaking softly, but they listened with rapt attention. Maybe that’s why she was attracted to him. Any man who could cast such a spell over her children in so little time could probably do the same to a grown woman. Familiarity would cure that. It was easy to be entranced by someone you’d just met, but it was difficult to be equally interested months later. By the time a year had passed, she’d probably wonder what she’d ever found so fascinating.
Having worked her way to that conclusion, she wondered why she didn’t feel better.
* * *
“Salty has an extra bedroll,” Jared was telling his mother. “He said I could use it if it was all right with you.”
Salty had spent several hours on the long trip trying to think of things he could do to help Jared feel better about himself. He’d told both kids stories, talked about roundups, and made secret plans for a surprise for Sarah. All of these things had included Ellen. Now, Salty didn’t want to slight the girl, giving her brother something she herself had asked for, but Jared needed an association with a man that didn’t depend on his sister. Salty also hated to put Sarah in the position of perhaps denying her son something he wanted, but it was a risk he needed to take. He hoped she would see it as an opportunity for Jared and consider it on that basis alone.
“Did you ask Salty if you could use it?” Sarah asked Jared.
“No, but Ellen did,” Jared said.
Sarah turned to her daughter. “It was sweet of you. Not every sister would do that for her brother.”
Ellen looked sulky. “I didn’t ask for Jared. I asked for me.”
“What did Salty say?” Sarah asked.
“He said it wasn’t proper for young girls to sleep out with men. When I asked him why, he said I had to ask you.”
Sarah’s face flushed and she stammered, as though unsure of how to respond. As Salty suspected, she hadn’t explained some of the basic facts of life to her daughter. He regretted having put her in such a difficult situation. He couldn’t remember that anyone had ever had to tell him the facts of life; it seemed he’d always known them. But he’d had a group of guys to hang around with. Ellen and Jared didn’t have anyone.
“That’s not a very easy conversation,” Sarah said. “Let Jared sleep out with Salty tonight. You and I will sleep in the wagon, and I’ll explain.”
“Explain what?” Ellen pushed.
“The birds and the bees.”
“What do birds and bees have to do with sleeping outdoors? It’s night. Everything’s asleep!”
Salty couldn’t help himself; a sputter of laughter escaped before he could stop it. He almost lost control when Sarah shot him an angry look. She was so darling when she wasn’t sure what to do. Not that she looked helpless. She was about as helpless as Rose, and everybody knew George’s wife could handle anything. Sarah had some of the same appeal: strength combined with vulnerability. Salty had no interest in a woman who would cling to him like a vine, depending on him to do everything for her except breathe. Nor was he attracted to a woman who had to prove she could do everything as well as a man. He felt a man and a woman could be versatile without forgetting what Mother Nature intended.
“I’ll get the bedrolls,” he said to Jared. “You can lay them out while I empty the wagon for your mother and sister.”
“I’ll help.” Ellen climbed into the wagon. “I can hand stuff to you and Mama.”
With the three of them working, the wagon bed was cleared in a matter of minutes. It would have been even sooner if George and Rose hadn’t given Sarah so much. Salty didn’t know what Rose had put in those two bags, but he knew that all of Zac’s clothes wouldn’t take up so much space. He wondered how Sarah was going to react when she got home and found out what was inside.
Ellen looked with envy at the bedding Jared was struggling to spread out on the ground. “I wish I had a bedroll.”
“I expect our quilts are more comfortable,” her mother said.
“I still wish I had a bedroll,” the girl replied.
Salty had never known anyone like Ellen. He had a feeling Sarah’s explanation of the different expectations for boys and girls was not going to change her daughter’s desire to do all the things boys were allowed to do. How was he going to help Jared gain greater self-esteem if Ellen continued to do everything he did and do it better? Yet he couldn’t help Jared at Ellen’s expense. And maybe Sarah wanted her daughter to have the freedom to do anything she wanted, to be anything she wanted, without the fetters of conventional boy/girl roles.
Rose was the strongest woman he’d ever known, but she’d done everything from within the role traditionally expected of a woman. Was there anything wrong with doing things Ellen’s way? Maybe he ought to stick to solving the problems with the ranch and leave Sarah and her family alone. Despite what she said, she probably didn’t expect him to do anything beyond make the ranch profitable. Most likely she would resent it if he tried. It would certainly be easier if he backed off.
“I’ve got our beds all laid out!”
Salty turned away from the pile he and Sarah had made of the wagon contents to where Jared sat on one of the bedrolls. The boy smiled, clearly proud of having accomplished his task without help or supervision. The bedrolls were perfectly parallel, the corners squared, with the folded blankets at the bottom. Salty didn’t know how Jared had managed all that on his hands and knees. He really had to find a way to help the boy. He couldn’t fail him like he’d failed his father.
“I need to make sure the horses haven’t pulled up their stakes,” he said.
“Let me!”
Ellen was out of the wagon and running toward the horses before Salty could look to see if Sarah would offer an objection. The girl’s mother smiled weakly and shrugged. Salty was beginning to see why she and Jared depended so much on Ellen: the child was so anxious to help that she didn’t wait for permission before throwing herself into the next job. He hoped she didn’t value herself only according to how much work she could do, but she seemed a happy child who genuinely wanted to help her mother and brother.
“The knots are still tight,” Ellen announced when she returned. “I checked every one.”
Salty was sure of that. “Then I think it’s time for everyone to get some sleep. We should be up at dawn.”
“We always get up at dawn,” Jared told him.
So much for thinking he was a step ahead of this family. It was beginning to look like he’d have to hurry to catch up.
* * *
“I’m ready,” Ellen said.
“Ready for what?” Sarah settled down in the wagon next to her daughter. The two quilts that formed their bed cushioned them a little, but the underneath was still hard and unforgiving.
“For you to tell me why I can’t sleep out with Salty li
ke Jared can. Don’t you like Salty?”
Sarah had known this day was coming, but she’d hoped to put it off a few more years. She didn’t know where to start.
“This has nothing to do with Salty,” Sarah began. “It’s just that little girls stay with their mothers and boys with their fathers.”
“But Salty isn’t Jared’s father.”
“Then it would be brothers, uncles, cousins—some male relative.”
“Jared doesn’t have any of those, either.”
This wasn’t working. Her words were raising more questions than they were answering. “It’s not just relatives. Men stay with men, and women with women.”
“Why?” Ellen asked.
“Some of it has to do with custom,” Sarah said, “but most of it has to do with the normal division of duties. Men are usually stronger than women, and most of the time they’re bigger and taller.”
That answer didn’t carry any weight with Ellen. “I’m stronger than Jared,” she told her mother. “The last hired man said he was sure I’d be just as big when I grew up.”
“Maybe, but there are things you can do that men can’t.”
“I know,” Ellen said. “Have babies.”
How did she explain that having babies wasn’t as simple as wearing a skirt rather than pants? Or that young girls were never allowed to be unchaperoned with men who weren’t family members? Furthermore, how did she instill understanding without instilling fear, or explaining physical needs that a child of seven had never experienced and wouldn’t understand? Most of all, how did she explain that either a woman was seen to be above reproach or she was beneath contempt?
“It’s more than just about having babies,” she said.
“What’s so special about having babies, anyway?” Her daughter was growing impatient. “I don’t want babies. I don’t want to get married, either.”
“Why don’t you want to get married?” Sarah asked.
“I don’t want any man telling me what to do.”
“Maybe not every husband would try to tell you what to do.”
“I’ve heard the hired men. They said it’s not right for a woman to tell a man what to do. They think there ought to be a law against it, even if the woman’s husband is dead and she owns the ranch.”
Sarah sighed. She shouldn’t have allowed Ellen to work with the hired men so much, especially considering the caliber of crew she could afford, but it had been impossible when they all had to work together. “I think that’s enough for tonight. I’ll tell you more after we get home.”
But Sarah still didn’t know how. She might ask Salty, but the mere thought caused her to blush. She’d never spoken to any man about what husbands and wives did together. She and Roger had lived through their whole marriage without seeing each other naked or talking about what they were doing. Her mother had told her it was natural, that everybody did it, but that nice women didn’t talk about or enjoy it. If it was so natural that everybody did it, why didn’t people talk about it?
Ellen had lain down, but she turned back to Sarah and asked, “Will you and Salty have a baby?”
Eight
Sarah was glad she hadn’t lain down yet; she might have choked.
What could have possessed Ellen to ask about babies? Sometimes Sarah wondered what she knew about the topic. The experience was supposed to be a natural part of the development of an emotional relationship between a man and wife, but Sarah wasn’t convinced a man and woman could have an emotional relationship more intense than friendship. If the man treated his wife the way Roger treated her, she couldn’t even envision friendship. How was she supposed to convince Ellen there was something important between a man and a woman when she herself had never felt it, wasn’t sure she believed in it? And how could she manage to weave this into an explanation of why young girls weren’t allowed unlimited access to male company?
She settled on: “I’ll never have that kind of relationship with Salty.”
Ellen’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“That’s part of what I’ll explain after we get home.”
Ellen turned back and lay down. “I hope it has nothing to do with having babies, because I’m never going to have one.”
Sarah felt relieved, and she supposed most mothers in her position would feel the same. She told her daughter, “You won’t have to decide that until you’re about ten years older.”
“I don’t want to get married, but if I do, my husband can have the children.”
Sarah couldn’t keep from laughing at the thought of Roger having to deliver Ellen and Jared. Just picturing him with a rounded stomach caused her to giggle. Roger had been vain about his looks. He’d checked his reflection in ponds, once even in a puddle after a rain. She’d had to hold his shaving mirror many times so he could step back to see himself.
She said, “We can talk about this in a few years. Right now we need to go to sleep.” The sound of soft breathing told Sarah her daughter needed no prompting.
It was time for her to sleep, too, but Ellen’s question left Sarah wide awake. Her feelings for Salty weren’t the same as what she’d felt for Roger. He had been the son of her father’s best friend. She had known him most of her life. She hadn’t wanted to marry him. She’d begged her father not to force her, but their marriage had been the wish of both families. Roger had wanted it, too. When her parents died unexpectedly, she had inherited the ranch. Roger had been excited about having his own spread, of being out from under his father’s control, but his enthusiasm had waned once he discovered how much work was required. It had waned further when the morning sickness started and Sarah’s body grew unshapely. He was downright furious when his son was born with a withered leg. He’d probably thought going to war was preferable to being responsible for a ranch and a family he disliked.
Salty wasn’t like that. He didn’t have a handsome face or a bewitching smile. He wanted to work hard to have a ranch of his own. He’d already shown great kindness to Jared and respect for her and Ellen. He was cheerful, adept at taking charge and yet seemed conscious of not usurping her authority. Probably equally important for the months to come, he was easy to talk to. She hoped they could become friends. If he was going to be around for several years, that was probably best for all concerned.
Especially since he wasn’t attracted to her. That would be the extent of their relationship.
* * *
“You can’t buy all of that,” Sarah exclaimed. “You know I don’t have any money.” When Salty showed her the list he’d made up, she’d had no idea he intended to buy everything now.
“I have enough,” he told her.
Sarah hardly knew whether to protest or ask where he’d gotten it. “I didn’t mean for you to use your own money to buy things for my ranch.”
“It’s going to be half my ranch one day, so maybe it’s time to start thinking about it as our ranch.” He was probably right, but she wasn’t prepared for that jolt. Nor for his next statement, which stopped her cold. “As soon as we’re married, it’ll be legally my ranch, too.” Again, he was right, but it was a scary thought. What exactly was she doing?
“Will you be my father?” Jared asked.
“I’ll be your stepfather,” Salty said.
“I want you to be my real father.”
Sarah nearly dropped the coffeepot she was holding.
“Your mother would have to agree to let me adopt you before I could be your legal father,” Salty told the boy. “But I can be your just-as-good-as-father right now.”
“Would you let Salty adopt me?” Jared asked her.
Ellen spoke up. “I want him to adopt me, too.”
Things were moving too fast for Sarah. She hadn’t fully reconciled herself to the marriage. All the way to Austin she’d kept telling herself she could still decide not to marry Salty. Now, while she wa
s trying to accept that he was thinking of the ranch as theirs, her children were asking if he could adopt them.
“We can talk about that later,” Salty said. “Right now, your mother and I have to get married, buy what we need for the ranch, and find a place to stay tonight.”
Married! The years she’d spent with Roger had scared her down to her bones. Marriage was the same as putting on a yoke she had no power to remove. The thought made her sick to her stomach. However, she couldn’t put this off any longer. If she was going to change her mind, she had to do it now.
Stop! She was fooling herself if she thought she had a choice. This was no longer about her preference or her comfort, no longer about what she wanted. It was about her children, their security, their future, their happiness. She had tried, but she hadn’t been able to secure that by herself. She had chosen Salty as the man to help her. She had no choice now but to follow through.
“Let’s get married first,” she announced. The sooner she got married, the sooner she could rid herself of the idea that she could change her mind.
All too soon she was standing before a bored judge who rushed them through the process with no more interest than he might have in selling a wagon or a horse. With only her children and the judge’s wife and clerk as witnesses, Sarah repeated marriage vows for a second time. She found it unfair that she was required to promise to love, honor, and obey, while Salty was only required to say he would provide for her in sickness and in health. There was also the part about her endowing Salty with all her worldly goods, plus the comfort of her body. He was only expected to provide shelter and succor.
“Do I have to give you my horse?” Ellen asked as they left the judge’s home.
“Why would you think that?” Salty asked.
“The judge said Mama had to endow you with all her worldly goods. I figured that meant she had to give you all her stuff.”
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