by Diane Rehm
Respect your partner's sensitivities and frailties. In many ways, adults are essentially children who put on a variety of masks for different occasions. Their presumed maturity is a pose that conceals the unavoidable anxieties that spring from childhood. In order to understand your partner, you should embrace his or her internal child.
Be patient with your partner. Patience captures several aspects of a vital relationship—that is, acceptance, compassion, and constancy. Patience presumes that you embrace your partner's entire personality. By being patient, you are sharing the pain your partner will unavoidably suffer at times. Through patience, you are displaying your enduring loyalty to your partner.
With your partner, use this book and, in particular, the questions in the appendix as a springboard for pursuing the issues in your relationship. You might do so by combining, as we have done, written thoughts and oral exchanges. By whatever means, do your best to share your joys and pains, your strengths and weaknesses with your partner, in the confidence that love thrives on mutual understanding.
In the final analysis, is marriage or a comparable long-term commitment worthwhile? Not for everyone, to be sure. Some may try it and find it unrewarding. Others may not wish to undertake such a commitment at all. Still others, like us, have found that the joys of an intimate and sustained relationship outweigh the disappointments. Would either of us have wanted a less difficult and problematic marriage? Of course. Would either of us have preferred a different spouse? Emphatically no.
We have written this book in the belief that an honest account of a marriage of more than forty years may encourage other marriages and comparable relationships not only to endure, but to flourish.
Appendix
QUESTIONS FOR READERS
Assumptions and Expectations
What assumptions do you bring to our relationship?
What are your expectations of yourself as a partner?
What are your expectations of me?
Appeal
What are the qualities about me that most appeal to you?
What aspects of my personality are most attractive to you?
What aspects of my personality bother you?
Anger
How did your parents deal with anger in your family?
What issues would anger them?
How did your parents express anger toward you?
What makes you angry?
What do you do when you get angry?
Family
What was the relationship between your mother and father?
How did their relationship affect you as you grew up?
What kind of a relationship did you have with your sibling(s)?
What kind of a relationship did your parents have with your sibling(s)?
Making Love
Do you feel good about sex?
How many sexual partners have you had?
Have you been disappointed in prior sexual partners? If so, why?
How important a factor do you believe sex is in our relationship?
Do you have expectations about how frequently we will have sex?
Solitude
How important is solitude for you?
How much time do you like to spend alone?
Can you tell me when you need time alone?
Can we accommodate each other's need for solitude versus time together?
Money
Was your family frugal or generous in dealing with money?
As you were growing up, how freely could you spend money?
How will we handle our money?
How will we deal with debt?
Will we consolidate our incomes?
Profession
How did your parents' professional lives affect you?
How happy are you in your working life?
What do you like and dislike about your work?
How much of a role will you expect me to play in your professional life?
How will you balance your professional and home life?
Religion
Did your family actively participate in church activities?
Did you grow up as a churchgoer?
Will you be an active churchgoer?
To what extent will you expect our children (if any) to be part of a church?
Parenting
Do you want to have children?
What are the primary memories you have of your own parents?
What were their strengths and weaknesses?
What are your expectations of yourself as a parent?
What measures would you use to discipline a child?
Arguing
What is your view of the purpose of arguing?
How important is it to you to win an argument?
How would you describe your style of arguing?
Do you believe that arguing can be constructive?
Friends
How important are friends in your life?
How many good friends would you say you have?
What do you expect of your friends?
How would you want me to engage with your friends?
Vacations
For you, what makes a good—or bad—vacation?
Do you like to vacation alone?
Do you plan ahead or make last-minute decisions?
Do you think of vacation planning as a shared exercise?
Criticism
Did your parents criticize you? If so, how much?
Do you feel I criticize you a little or a lot?
What prompts you to criticize me?
What happens to you when I criticize you?
Does criticism help or hurt our relationship?
Psychotherapy
Do you have fixed views about whether therapy can help people?
Have you been in therapy?
If so, how do you think your therapy has affected our relationship?
If I felt the need, would you consider therapy for the two of us?
Retirement
Do you intend to retire?
If so, do you anticipate retirement with pleasure or anxiety?
What activities would you take up in retirement?
How do you see our life together when we both retire?
The Other Partner as Professional
Are you comfortable with my career?
If my status and income should exceed yours, would it trouble you?
If we have children and maintain our careers, how will we handle our parenting responsibilities?
Can we share the pressures of our careers with each other?
Holiday Celebrations
What are your childhood memories of holidays?
Were holidays happy or sad for you?
Do you now have any special anxieties about holidays?
If so, how can we address them?
Illness
How did your parents deal with their own illnesses?
Were they sympathetic to your illnesses?
How do you react to the illness of someone close to you?
How do you deal with yourself when you are ill?
How would you like me to care for you when you are ill?
Food
What are your most vivid childhood memories about food?
What foods do you particularly like and dislike?
Do you enjoy trying new foods?
Are you comfortable working in the kitchen, either preparing food or cleaning up?
Do you think you eat sensibly?
In-Laws
How would you describe your relationship to my family?
How much do you anticipate my family will be a part of our lives?
How frequently will you be willing to visit or spend time with them?
If problems arise between your family and me, how will you handle them?
Sleep
Are you a heavy or a light sleeper?
How important is it to you to share a bed with your partner?
Would you be upset if I slept in a separ
ate bed or a separate room?
How much would that take away from our romance?
The Third Person
How important is the idea of fidelity to you?
How would you react if I were strongly attracted to someone else?
Would we be able to talk with each other about the attraction?
What would you do if you found yourself attracted to someone else?
If I insisted you give up that relationship for our sake, would you do so?
If necessary, would you agree to seek counseling?
Aging
What are the aspects of aging that trouble you the most?
How important is a youthful appearance to you?
How do you think you will deal with the infirmities of old age?
Are there some aspects of aging to which you look forward?
Are you more concerned about confronting my aging or yours?
Grandparenting
Are you excited by the prospect of grandparenting?
How do you see yourself as a grandparent?
How might that be different from your role as a parent?
How will you ensure respect for the parents' primary authority?
Death
If your parents are no longer living, how did their deaths affect you?
How much do you think about your own death?
Do you intend to make preparations for your own death?
Will you share those with me?
If I die before you, would you consider another partner?
Acknowledgments
There are so many people who have guided us and helped us along our never-ending journey toward understanding the true meaning of commitment. Their efforts during these past fortytwo years have helped give us the courage to write this book.
Maxine Thornton Denham and John Denham enabled us to begin our dialogue. Jack Harris demonstrated the strength it takes to face adulthood. And now Susan Fiester continues to steer us through the changing landscape of our lives.
It has been our good fortune to share our lives with many friends who've provided love, support, and understanding. They've helped us to realize that we have not been alone in our struggles.
Robert Gottlieb has been an invaluable editor and critic, as well as a good friend.
At Knopf, thanks to Katy Barrett, Paul Bogaards, Tracy Cabanis, Kathleen Fridella, Katherine Hourigan, Pat Johnson, Sonny Mehta, Jill Morrison, Bonnie Schiff-Glenn, Virginia Tan, and Abby Weintraub.
Finally, the greatest gift in our lives has been our children, David and Jennie, who challenged us, who forced us to grow, and who are now living their own lives of commitment—to their spouses, to their children, and to society.
A NOTE ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Diane Rehm has hosted The Diane Rehm Show on WAMU and National Public Radio since 1979. Currently it is distributed by NPR and American Forces Radio Network to cities across the country and around the world. John B. Rehm, a Washington attorney specializing in international trade, both in government and private practice, is retired. Diane and John live in Bethesda, Maryland.
A NOTE ON THE TYPE
This book was set in Granjon, a type named in compliment to Robert Granjon, a type cutter and printer active in Antwerp, Lyons, Rome, and Paris from 1523 to 1590. Granjon, the boldest and most original designer of his time, was one of the first to practice the trade of typefounder apart from that of printer. Linotype Granjon was designed by George W. Jones, who based his drawings on a face used by Claude Garamond (ca. 1480–1561) in his beautiful French books. Granjon more closely resembles Garamond's own type than do any of the various modern faces that bear his name.
Composed by NK Graphics, Keene, New Hampshire
Printed and bound by R. R. Donnelley & Sons,
Crawfordsville, Indiana
Designed by Virginia Tan
THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK
PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF
Copyright © 2000 Diane Rehm and John B. Rehm
All rights reserved under International and
Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division
of Random House, Inc., New York. Distributed by Random
House, Inc., New York.
www.aaknopf.com
Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks
of Random House, Inc.
A brief excerpt from this work was previously
published in Modern Maturity.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Rehm, Diane.
Toward commitment: a dialogue about marriage / Diane Rehm and
John B. Rehm.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-0-307-49207-4
1. Marriage—United States. 2. Man-woman relationship—United States.
3. Rehm, Diane. 4. Rehm, John B. I. Rehm, John B. II. Title.
HO536 R4339 2002
306.81′0973—dc21 2002025483
v3.0