“I don’t think any of us are going to be able to sleep right now,” I tell them, suddenly desperate to banish this still, unnatural silence from our house. “What do you say we try camping in the living room?”
Daltrey pulls his head back from my shoulder. “Really? Like with sleeping bags and stuff?”
I shrug. “Sure. Tomorrow is Saturday. We can sleep in a little.”
“Sweet!” Cash says, grinning over at Reed. Even Lennon looks a little excited.
“Can we play board games, too?” Cash asks, and I’m pretty sure Reed kicks him again. This was something Rebecca used to do all the time, turn our living room into a campsite. We’d stay up late playing games and roasting marshmallows over the gas stove. It’s been ages since we did that—I wonder if Daltrey can even remember.
“Sure,” I tell Cash. “Why don’t you guys go find some games and get your pillows? I’ll see if I can find our sleeping bags.”
“Awesome!” Reed says, sounding much more like a kid than he did when I got home. He jumps off his chair, his brothers following him, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I try to push away the feeling that this is pointless, that I shouldn’t be trying to recreate memories from our old life. That I’ll never be as good as she was at this kind of stuff, so I shouldn’t even try. That I’ll end up disappointing them when I’m not as fun as she was.
Then I think of the way Reed looked when he told me he’d made them snacks, how tense his shoulders seemed. They need this, I tell myself. Hell, they need something.
So I go and dig out the old sleeping bags from some boxes in the garage and meet the boys in the living room. “Who wants popcorn?” I ask, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen Cash smile so big since his mom left. They follow me back to the kitchen, watching while I put popcorn in the microwave and search the cupboards for some marshmallows. “No luck,” I mutter.
“Aw, man,” Cash says, but Reed nudges him. “That’s okay,” he hurries to add. “We don’t need marshmallows.” He looks so stoic about it I have to laugh.
“Let’s find something else for a treat,” I say, pointing at Lennon. “Len, if you could have any dessert right now, what would it be?” He just stares at me. Well, it was worth a try. I sigh, pointing at Daltrey. “Dalt?”
“Chocolate milkshake,” he says without missing a beat. I laugh.
“Let’s see what we have.”
I find vanilla ice cream in the freezer and a bottle of chocolate syrup. “Chocolate milkshakes it is.” I root around in a lower cupboard and find the blender. When I stand up with it, I see that the boys have all pulled chairs over to the counter, presumably so they can stand on them and help. In my mind I see them doing the same thing with Rebecca, countless times, helping her make cookies or put together dinner. The fact that they do it automatically, without asking or being told to, hits me for some reason, and I have to rub my chest for a moment before I can talk.
“Reed, grab the milk,” I tell him. I help Cash and Daltrey to scoop ice cream into the blender. I try to get Lennon to help them, but he folds his hands behind his back, content to sit back and watch. Reed pours milk on top of the ice cream about as slowly as humanly possible, determined not to spill any. I let them take turns squirting the chocolate syrup into the mix, breathing a sigh of relief when Lennon takes a turn at that. Apparently the squeeze bottle is too fun for even him to resist.
“Okay,” I say, pointing at the pulse button. “That’s the one we want.”
“Let me do it,” Daltrey says, pushing Cash’s hands away.
I realize something is missing. “Actually, none of you do it. I need to find the lid first.”
I turn back to the cabinet, the boys arguing about who gets to press the button. I hear the sound of a palm smacking flesh. “Ow!” Cash cries. “Quit it.”
“I’m doing it first,” Daltrey yells.
“I am!”
I turn just as Cash pushes Daltrey’s hand away and presses his own thumb onto the button. “Cash, I said wait—”
It’s too late. He presses the button and everything in the blender flies into the air, splattering across the wall and the two boys standing closest to the machine.
Cash releases the button and silence falls over the kitchen, all of us frozen for a long moment. Cash and Daltrey are covered in ice cream, milk, and syrup. It’s in their hair and covering their PJs. It’s all over their faces. I can do nothing but gape at them, wondering how in the hell I’m going to get them cleaned up without tracking the mess all over the house. Cash and Dalt just look at each other, like they can’t quite believe what happened. Reed is watching me, holding his breath, one long smear of chocolate spread across his forehead. He looks like he’s waiting for me to yell.
And then Lennon starts to laugh. It’s quiet at first, a little giggle, but soon it turns into a full belly laugh. He points at Cash and Daltrey. “Look at you! You’re such a mess!”
Lennon is laughing. Lennon is talking. I haven’t heard those sounds in so long and I feel like I can’t breathe. My eyes meet Reed’s and his are wide, surprised, and I know he realizes what a big deal this is.
I make my voice as light and amused as I can, even though every cell in my body is urging me to grab Lennon, to pull him into a tight hug, to beg him to keep laughing, keep talking. “You guys do look really silly,” I tell them, adding a chuckle. “Look at all that ice cream.”
“It’s in your hair,” Lennon says, giggling again, and relief crashes over me. Another sentence. He said another sentence. He’s still laughing.
Then Cash joins in, and finally Daltrey. “This is yucky,” he yells, and then they’re all laughing, all four of them, Cash trying to spread his ice cream hands onto Reed’s PJs.
“Okay, new plan,” I say, looking through the window. The rain is still coming down, not as heavy as before but steady. I haven’t heard thunder since I found the sleeping bags. “We’re going to run through the back yard.”
“What?” Reed asks, staring at me like I’ve grown a second head. “It’s the middle of the night!”
“It’s raining,” Cash adds.
I point at him. “Exactly. You need to get that mess off of you and if you try to go up to the shower you’ll just get it on the carpet. If we go run around in the rain, it will all wash off.”
The boys look at each other, like they’re not sure I’m serious. “But I don’t have any ice cream on me,” Lennon points out, and God, he’s still talking and I’ve never been more thankful for a mess in my entire life.
“You can stay in, if you want,” I tell him. “But I think it might be kind of fun.”
Cash grins at me. “Are you coming too?”
“Sure.”
That’s all it takes. They’re off running for the back door, racing each other, squealing and giggling. “Come on, Dad,” Reed calls, and I follow them out into the dark night. Cash is the first one to leave the safety of the porch, running through the yard, yelling and laughing. Daltrey follows him, then Reed and Lennon. In a minute I’ll go after them, I’ll chase them or start a game of tag or something. But right now I can’t do anything but stand there in the rain, watching the boys run and laugh. Watching Lennon playing with his brothers. Shouting, using his voice. Still laughing.
I try to soak in those sounds, to store them up inside of me in a place I’ll never lose them, my eyes glued to his face, watching him smile. And then I step off the porch into the rain and go to join my boys.
Lennon
You’re getting to be a pro at this.”
I look up from the mirror where I stopped to straighten my bowtie and see Haylee standing a little ways down the hall. She gestures at me. “The whole groomsman thing, I mean. Twice in one month.” She starts to move closer. “I have to say, I like this look a lot more than the one you wore at Daltrey’s wedding.”
“Yeah?” I glance back towards the mirror, giving the tie one last tweak. “You like the tux?”
“Very much.” She comes up behind me to slip h
er arms around my waist, stretching up to rest her chin on my shoulder. “I’ve never seen you in a tux. It works on you. Totally hot.”
I turn so I can see her, looking down at her feet. “How did you get your chin on my shoulder? How are you so tall right now?”
She holds out a foot from beneath her long slinky dress to show me the heels she’s wearing. Haylee rarely wears heels, and I’ve certainly never seen her in ones like these. “Damn,” I mutter. “Those are insanely sexy.”
She grins. “I should let Paige pick out my clothes more often, huh?”
I take her hands, spreading her arms wide to see her dress. “I thought bridesmaid dresses were supposed to be embarrassing,” I say. “It’s not fair if you look more beautiful than the bride.”
Haylee rolls her eyes. “You haven’t seen her yet. No one will look more beautiful than Paige, I can tell you that.”
“How’s it going in there?”
“There’s so much hairspray, Lennon. You have no idea.”
I laugh, pulling her in for a hug. “I would imagine there’s also a lot of giggling.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been in a room with so many girls at once.”
Unlike Daisy, Paige opted for a huge wedding party. Karen and Daisy, of course, along with Sam and Haylee, three college friends, and two girls from her hometown. Reed had a hard time matching her—Wyatt was promoted from ring bearer to junior groomsman just to balance out the numbers.
“Have you been out in the reception space yet?” Haylee asks. “We’re talking seriously over the top. I have no idea how she managed to pull this off in such a short amount of time.”
“Well, a lot of this was already planned for Daisy and Daltrey,” I say. The biggest issue had been switching the bride’s guest list and making sure everyone could get here on such short notice. “But honestly, it probably wouldn’t matter if she was starting from scratch. This is Paige we’re talking about.”
“True.” Haylee looks up at me. “That girl could move mountains if she wanted. How’s Reed doing?”
I hold up the bottle of whiskey I had been tasked with going to fetch. “Nervous.”
“He wants everything to be perfect for her,” she guesses, and I nod.
“We keep trying to tell him that Paige will make the best out of anything so it doesn’t matter if something goes wrong, but he’s still stressed.”
“You should get back there with the booze, then,” she says before kissing me.
I tighten my hands on her waist. “If you’re going to mess up your lipstick, let’s really do it properly.” I kiss her again, longer this time, until she laughs against my lips, pushing me away.
“You’re going to get me in trouble,” she says. “Karen is like a dictator about these photos. I am not allowed to be smudged.”
“Better go and fix it then,” I say, letting her go a little reluctantly. “I’ll see you out there?”
She grins, running her fingers over my mouth to wipe away the lipstick she left behind. “I’ll be one of the many in purple.”
“And I’ll be one of the many in a tux.”
She shakes her head. “You’ll always stand out to me.”
I’m still grinning like an idiot when I rejoin my brothers and Levi in our dressing room. Cash takes one look at me and snorts. “Nice lipstick, Len.”
I shrug, running my hands over my mouth. “I guess she didn’t get it all wiped off.”
Levi laughs. “Bet she left some on purpose just to mess with you.”
I’m about to agree when Reed strides in from the adjoining room, his brow furrowed. “Where were you? You’ve been gone for ages.”
I hold up the bottle. “Just getting you a refill.”
“Can’t imagine why we thought you needed it,” Cash mutters.
Reed scowls. “I’d like to see how calm you are when it’s your turn,” he snaps.
Cash looks thoughtful. “I think Sam and I might just go to Vegas after the baby is born.”
I catch Daltrey’s eye and I know we’re thinking the same thing—how completely insane it is to hear Cash casually talking about marriage and babies. “Who are you,” Daltrey quips, “and what have you done with our brother?”
“Hilarious.” Cash reaches over to mess up Daltrey’s hair and I’m surprised when Reed protests even more loudly than Dalt.
“Do not mess with his hair before pictures,” he snaps. “Paige will kill you.”
I’m glad when our dad comes in a few seconds later—Cash looks about ready to put Reed in a headlock to pour whiskey straight down his throat in an attempt to get him to calm down. Dad looks around at us. “I hope you aren’t fighting.”
“We’re not fighting,” Reed mutters. “They’re just being idiots. Big surprise.”
Dad approaches Reed, reaching out to straighten his bowtie. “You look good,” he says, voice calm. “I just talked to the wedding planner and everything out there is right on schedule. No problems. Paige is almost ready. It’s going to be fine.”
Reed looks marginally calmer, though his shoulders are still set in that familiar posture of stress. How many times have I seen him look just like this over the years? Reed, who always takes on every responsibility, every worry. I grab some shot glasses from the counter and start to pour the whiskey.
“Here,” I say, handing one to Reed. “Let’s toast.”
We stand in a circle, holding the glasses out, and look around at each other. “Any words of inspiration before your oldest embarks on matrimony?” Cash asks Dad.
He shrugs. “Try not to fuck it up too much.”
We all laugh at that, even Reed.
Dad clears his throat. “Seriously, though. You’re going to be fine, Reed. You’re already doing everything right with Paige. Just make sure you remember the important stuff and it will all work out okay.” He meets Reed’s eye. “Try not to worry too much—you’ve always worried too much. Try to remember all the good you have instead. I know the two of you will be happy.”
Reed nods, swallowing heavily. We clink glasses before doing the shot, the liquid warm and smooth as it goes down. Reed’s shoulders straighten a little, and I hope the liquor is doing its job.
Just then the wedding planner sticks her head in and asks if we’re ready. Reed immediately looks every bit as stressed as he had before. Levi goes into the adjoining room to gather the rest of the groomsmen and the planner gets us all in the right order to head down the hall. Cash is trying to keep things light, telling stupid jokes, and Reed looks like he might kill him. Wyatt looks almost as nervous as Reed, walking carefully to keep from slipping in his tuxedo shoes.
The wedding is being held on the lawn of the hotel. From the door I can see a mass of people, well over two hundred. Even I’m starting to feel nervous looking out at them, which is just ridiculous considering the size of the crowds at our shows.
“Gotta tell you,” Daltrey mutters in my ear. “I’m feeling pretty damn glad Daisy wanted to bail on all this madness.”
“Chill beach wedding is definitely the way to go,” I agree.
The wedding planner shushes us as she opens the door, sending the first of the groomsmen off down the aisle. Eventually it’s Levi’s turn, and then Daltrey. I move to follow him through the door but Reed stops me as I pass, clapping his hand on my shoulder. I meet his eyes and he doesn’t speak, just looks at me, but I get it. He’s telling me that he’s glad I’m here. I nod at him, clapping his shoulder right back, and follow Daltrey through the crowd, the faces bleeding together in a haze.
Cash is right behind me and when we get to the front, we both turn to see Dad and Reed walking down together. “God they look alike,” Cash mutters and they really do, maybe more now than they ever have. They take their place at the end of the lineup, Dad between Cash and Reed. Reed had said he asked Dad to be best man so he didn’t have to choose between his brothers, but I’m pretty sure it was because he wanted Dad to be the one standing next to him.
And I’m glad he
did, because Dad reaches out and clasps Reed on the shoulder as the girls start to march down the aisle. Reed looks like he might throw up, his face pinched, shoulders hunched. He barely even smiles at Daisy or Karen and I really, really hope he doesn’t pass out or something.
Then the music swells and everyone stands, turning to see Paige make her big entrance. I keep my eyes on Reed instead, more than a little worried about him. But then the strangest thing happens—his entire body relaxes. He looks like a completely different person, the stress on his face replaced by a smile so broad I wonder if his cheeks hurt. Daltrey snorts behind me. “Guess it wasn’t whiskey he needed after all.”
No, it wasn’t whiskey that Reed needed to chill out. It was Paige—just like always. She’s the one who calms him down, keeps him from worrying too much. Not his brothers. Not work. Not Dad. He just needs Paige.
I finally turn my attention to her and see Reed’s expression mirrored on her face. She’s beautiful in her dress, her face bright as she beams at Reed. You would never know how sick she’d been just a short time ago. Paige is always happy, almost always smiling and excited. But I’ve never seen her smile quite so big, never seen her look anywhere near as happy as she does walking down the aisle to marry my brother.
* * *
“So I guess this is what Paige meant by wow factor,” Levi says, collapsing into a chair next to me.
“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so much in my life,” I agree. The reception is totally over the top. It’s been non-stop music and food and drinks since the end of the ceremony. There are more flowers and candles and crystals under this tent than I’ve ever seen in my life and I can’t imagine what they must have paid to make this place look like something straight out of a Gatsby scene. A twelve-piece band serenaded us through dinner and now a DJ has taken over to kick the party up a notch. I have no idea where Haylee or any of my brothers are—they’re either lost in the crowd dancing or out taking advantage of the caricature artist, the photo booth, the bounce house, or the dessert buffet that was set up shortly after dinner. Seriously, this party is insane.
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