3 Coloine
She’s called me to attend on her tomorrow. I came back here to change my shirt, since Jaemis managed to spill soup on me at lunch. Small comfort that I drenched him in retaliation, but we both ended up laughing, and I was still laughing when I reached my room and found the note pinned to my locked door.
I panicked, and that’s how Audryn found me about an hour later, sitting on my bed clutching the note in my hands, once again seeing the dead collenna master’s face and unable to convince myself it wasn’t going to happen to me or, true God forbid, someone I love. Cederic’s assurance that mages are not easy to kill was no comfort, because I still haven’t seen a mage perform a single martial th’an or kathana, except for Cederic’s experimental shield that he’s only taught to the God-Empress’s battle mages.
She—Audryn—tried to talk to me, and I don’t remember what I said, but she left about twenty minutes ago and I had to write something or go mad with fear. I shouldn’t be this frightened. I can defend myself against the God-Empress’s soldiers, and she never has those battle mages with her, who knows why. I’m stronger than this, I know I am.
It’s been a while since I wrote the last, and I feel better, probably because Audryn came back with Cederic, and he knelt in front of me and drew me into his arms, completely disregarding Audryn’s presence, and whispered comforting things to me until I could unclench my hands from the note and put my arms around his neck.
I could tell from how tense he was that he was not nearly so calm about this as he wanted me to think, but that, strangely, made me feel better—that he doesn’t want his worry to overwhelm me, to suggest this is something I can’t endure. And I can. I’ve faced things beside which the God-Empress is nothing. All she can do is kill me; she can’t destroy who I am.
Finally, when I was rational again, Cederic kissed me, stood up, and told me to rest for half an hour before returning to the circle chamber, and that Audryn would come for me when that time was up. Then he left without glancing at Audryn, whose expressive face as she watched him leave was utterly stunned, but she went away without saying a word. I’m sure she’ll have plenty of words for me when she comes back.
And now I’m going to lie down, and practice breathing quietly in between working the concealment pouvra and improving the speed with which I can do it. I doubt that’s what Cederic had in mind when he told me to rest, but it will calm me more than napping would, because it makes me feel as if I’m learning to defend myself. He was right when he said once I could become a ghost if I had to, and I’m not going to be afraid of the God-Empress anymore. My friends can defend themselves, and I can too.
3 Coloine, after dinner
Audryn, with Sovrin in tow (I’m not sure how she managed to extricate her from the other mages), had many words for me when she returned, starting with, “When were you going to tell me about this?”
“Or me?” Sovrin said. “And how long has this been going on? Sesskia, if you’re carrying on a secret affair with Sai Aleynten, we deserve to know!”
“We’re married,” I blurted out. That left them both speechless. I took advantage of the silence to explain when that had happened, and some of the details surrounding the event—not many, this wasn’t the kind of conversation where you talk about your sex life—and they stared at me a little while longer, while I felt an intense desire to sink through the floor.
Then they both squealed and hugged me, and said things like “it’s so wonderful!” and (Audryn) “both of us married on the same night!” and then they wanted more details, so I explained why it had to remain a secret, which they both completely understood and swore never to reveal the truth.
So then I ended up telling them about the secret pouvrin, which meant I had to demonstrate, and Audryn said, “I wish I could do that. Terrael is old-fashioned and doesn’t want us to move in together until we’ve said our public vows, and he feels that means we have to sneak around to be together. But he looks so incredibly guilty every time he comes to my room, no one could have any doubt what he’s doing. He’d be thrilled with those pouvrin.”
“I’m still shocked,” Sovrin said. “No offense, Sesskia, but it’s hard to imagine Sai Aleynten unbending enough to have any kind of romantic relationship, never mind being married.”
“Oh,” I said, “he unbends,” and then it was the kind of conversation where you talk about your sex life, and both of them were shocked I’d been a virgin, but not in a bad way. Now I feel guilty about sharing that with two women who don’t need to look at their leader and imagine him having sex. But I couldn’t help myself, it was so good not to have to keep it a secret. And when we finally went back to the circle chamber, neither of them gave any hint that they knew anything about Cederic and me that they shouldn’t. I should have given Audryn more credit.
Now it’s after dinner, and I can go to Cederic soon, and we’ll talk about what might happen tomorrow, and what I might need to do. And I’m finally going to ask him what it will look like when the two worlds come together, if only to give myself something to think about other than the God-Empress.
I feel as if we’re all fumbling around, probably because we are. Vorantor is desperately trying to cling to his authority, a task made more difficult by the fact that Cederic is still acting humble and deferring to him in ways that make it sound like Vorantor is even more incompetent than he is, without giving Vorantor any excuse to challenge him. Even Vorantor’s mages go to Cederic now for advice. I’m afraid Vorantor’s pride is going to drive him past the point of reason, but Cederic seems not to worry, and he knows the man far better than I do, so I’m not going to worry about it either.
Chapter Twenty
4 Coloine
It’s been the strangest day. I don’t know what to make of it. Especially the part where I felt I played a vicious game with the God-Empress, and may have won—it’s hard for me to tell when I don’t understand Castaviran culture well. Or, possibly, at all. I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t leave things out of this record just because they’re unpleasant and uncomfortable and frightening.
But I have to get to the question of the worlds coming together first. After our lovemaking last night, which felt a little desperate, me wanting something good to hold onto and Cederic showing more than he probably intended of how afraid he was for me, we lay together and talked for a short time about the question of what the worlds would look like when they were reunited.
Cederic, surprisingly, said, “I don’t know,” and then went silent for about a minute. Then he said, “You said the place where Thalessa is in our world has never been successfully settled, correct?”
“That’s what the mages from Helviran said,” I said.
He was silent for a bit longer. “And the ruins all overlap,” he said, but it sounded like he was talking to himself, so I didn’t respond. Then he rolled out of bed and began dressing.
“What are you doing?” I said. I felt miffed at his abruptness.
“I am going to get some maps,” he said. Then he saw my face, and closed his eyes briefly—he looked like he was wrestling with himself. “I am sorry,” he said, “but I am not used to having to explain myself to anyone. Let alone to the wife I am about to leave alone in our bed for the sake of an academic pursuit.”
“I think there are a lot of things we’re going to have to learn to understand about each other,” I said. “I’ve been alone for a long time, and I’m used to doing things without consulting anyone, too.”
He smiled at me—a real smile, not that thin little twist of the lips, a smile he saves for me—and said, “I intend to retrieve some maps that may help me answer your question. I further intend to bring them here rather than examine them in the circle chamber, so I can make use of your perceptions. Will you pardon my abruptness?”
“Of course,” I said, and got out of bed and pulled on my trousers. “I’ll be waiting.”
I didn’t have to wait long. Cederic returned with what turned out to be small
versions of the large maps we’d used the day he figured out I was from the “shadow world.” He spread the Castaviran map out, then overlaid it with the Balaen map. “Where did you get this?” I said.
“I had Master Serelssor make copies of the large ones. She has an accurate eye,” Cederic said. “Look at this. None of the major cities overlap any others. In your world, what exists where Colosse lies?”
“Nothing,” I said, starting to feel excited but not sure why. “There are a lot of smaller towns along the river, but none of them have ever grown very large. Except Garwin, and that’s much farther south.”
“Unusual, since river traffic usually encourages settlement,” Cederic said. “Can you think of any other cities located where Castaviran cities are?”
“None,” I said. “What does it mean?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know, and I—”
“Don’t want to guess,” I said, grinning at him.
He smiled back. “I am rather predictable in some ways, aren’t I?” He turned his attention back to the map and touched it, right at the center of Colosse. “Though it seems as if each world has left space for its counterpart. And the ruins overlap exactly—that is the greater mystery.” He touched three of the X’s, one after the other, then let the maps roll up and stared off into the distance for long enough that I became impatient, and said, “What will you do?”
He looked at me, and his smile became teasing. “I will remove every scrap of clothing you are wearing,” he said, “and explore your body until you forget everything except the feel of my skin against yours, and then I will make you cry my name—” at which point I pulled his shirt off over his head and kissed him, and then he did exactly as he’d promised.
Just remembering that makes my body respond as if he were still touching me, which I wish he were. But he and Vorantor are working late, and while I still intend to spend the night here in his room, I don’t know when he’ll join me. And now I have no more excuses; I have to write what happened with the God-Empress today.
No one came to dress me, so I dithered for a bit over what might offend the God-Empress least, then realized I can’t begin to guess what her twisted mind might find offensive, and put on my nicest clothing that wasn’t a dress. It turned out I didn’t need to run away from her, but I still think it was a good precaution.
When I stepped out of my room, four soldiers in chicken helmets were once again standing there, waiting for me, and I stepped into their protective square and marched away. This time, no one had cleared the corridors, and people had to jump out of our way because the soldiers moved as if they had a walk-through-walls pouvra and didn’t care who they used it on.
Most of the people we passed gaped at us, making me wonder if they knew who I was, or if they were just curious about anyone who rated such a guard. Or (this has only just occurred to me) they thought I was a prisoner being marched off for execution. I was too busy being nervous to pay much attention to them.
We went to the alcove leading to the public areas of the palace, and I thought we might be going to the throne room again, but the soldiers took me through a series of arched hallways, wide and tall enough to admit the loenerel but paved in a checkerboard pattern of black marble and green travertine, and into a breezy, light chamber whose windows all stood open.
Gauzy pale blue drapes billowed as warm air flowed into the room, fighting with the cooling kathana for dominance. Seven identical cedar wardrobes—I like the smell of cedar, but this was like being hit in the face by a warm, pillowy brick of the stuff—lined the blue walls. I don’t have to describe the rest; the God-Empress likes monochromatic decorating schemes.
The God-Empress herself stood at one of the windows, letting the air blow her filmy white dress (more of a long, loose shift) around her. Her golden hair was loose and hung to her knees, and I had the beginnings of a pang of jealousy at how smooth it was that was suppressed by a memory of Cederic winding his fingers through my hair and telling me how much he loved its color and thickness.
And then, to my shock, I actually felt sorry for the God-Empress, who has no one to love her. It didn’t last long, thanks to what happened next, but it’s true, she’s more to be pitied than envied. And more to be feared than either of those things.
The soldiers left me at the door, and I walked forward, not sure whether I should draw attention to myself or in what way I’d do so. But the sound of my footsteps on the smooth, caramel-colored wood floor alerted her, and she turned, shrieked in delight, and flung herself at me. I very nearly fell over beneath her weight. “Sesskia!” she exclaimed. “Isn’t this the most beautiful, perfect day? I’m so happy to see you! And I know you must be so excited, but everything in its time, yes?”
She clapped three times, and a file of servant women emerged from a hidden door near the windows. “Clothing for my dear sister,” the God-Empress commanded, and women flung open the wardrobes to reveal gowns in every shade of the rainbow and a few never found in nature, all of them made from silks or brocades or velvets, some richly embroidered, others studded with gems, every gown fit for a queen.
I stood, unable to speak, as women brought gowns to the God-Empress for her approval. The God-Empress said, “You must tell me which ones you like! Isn’t this fun, dressing up, when there are all these beautiful gowns? And then you can help me choose mine!” She began holding dresses up to my body, flinging some away, handing others back to the servants with a “Sesskia will want to try this on” or “Oh, this is divine, I simply must see if it fits me!”
Despite her words, I didn’t ever have time to express an opinion, not that I cared which of these many gowns I ended up wearing. They were all exquisite, but completely impractical, and I spent my time while the God-Empress debated which was more my color, lilac or lavender (Note: they are EXACTLY THE SAME COLOR) wondering what she had in mind. Were we going to tour the city again, this time dressed like royalty? Or was all this simply for the sake of some elaborate tea party? Of course, the truth was far worse, but at the time I was innocently curious and wary.
The gown the God-Empress eventually chose for me was beautiful and, surprisingly, suited me well. It was silk, fitted through the bodice and waist to leave my shoulders bare, flowing softly to my ankles. It was pale blue at the top and became increasingly dark until it was midnight blue at the hem, as if the color had all bled from the top of my gown and pooled at the bottom.
I was admiring myself in the full-length mirror and thinking I should find a way to wear this back to the mages’ wing, where Cederic could see me, when the God-Empress reached around my neck and said, “I know Mother would want you to wear these,” and I nearly fell over because she had clasped several fortunes’ worth of diamonds, not one of them smaller than ten carats, around my neck as carelessly as if they were a child’s shell necklace.
For about five seconds I really wanted to keep those diamonds. Then common sense asserted itself and reminded me there was a good chance the God-Empress would look at me ten minutes from now, accuse me of stealing her mother’s diamonds, and take them off by way of removing my head.
I was also trying not to think about what it meant that she clearly believed we were sisters today. The God-Empress has no family, having had all her siblings executed when she came to the throne, so my being her “sister” was no guarantee of safety.
The servants found me a pair of silver shoes with an impractically high heel that the God-Empress rhapsodized over and I could therefore not refuse, then I stood in the corner (“Don’t muss yourself!” the God-Empress shrieked when I tried to sit down) and watched her choose a gown. “You must be the most beautiful today, of course, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be lovely, too!” the God-Empress exclaimed, and proceeded to choose a sleeveless gown of dazzling white, crusted with pearls in sizes ranging from as small as pinheads to more than an inch in diameter, that made her look more beautiful than ever. It was like she was going to the funeral of a nation.
Then the se
rvants arranged our hair, brushing mine until it shone and then winding it around my head and pinning it fiercely in place with silver combs sparkling with more diamonds. I stood in front of the mirror again, admiring myself, and the God-Empress came to stand beside me, took my hand, and squeezed it. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered. “Thank you for allowing me to join you for this perfect day.”
“I—it’s my pleasure, and your company is an honor I don’t deserve,” I said, and she beamed more widely at me and squeezed my hand so hard parts of it went numb.
“Now we should go, and don’t worry, everything’s been arranged,” she said, so of course I really started to worry. I’ve been thinking about this, and I’ve concluded there’s no way I could have guessed what she had in mind, since our cultures are so different, but I should definitely have been more on my guard. Especially since everything she said suggested she was deep in some delusion. If I’d tried harder to work out what that delusion was, things would have gone differently—but, then, I’m alive, and so is Aselfos, so I’m not going to reproach myself too much.
The God-Empress linked her arm with mine and skipped—yes, actually skipped—out of the room, forcing me to skip along with her in those stupid silver heels. It’s a miracle I didn’t fall and take her down with me. When we came to the checkerboard floor, she went from skipping to hopping, always landing on the black marble. “It’s not a moss day, can’t touch the moss!” she said happily, and I stumbled along after her. Even so, I was thinking this was far from the worst thing she could do to me. And that was true, right up until we came to our destination.
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