But my hand stilled.
She deserved better than this. Better than my ravaged brokenness.
Sometimes I really could be a goddamn gentleman.
Slowly, painfully, I lowered her feet to the floor, soothing her with small, soft kisses on her mouth and neck and shoulders and eyes and anywhere else I could reach. Then I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest.
Her hot, panting breath heated my skin. I ground my teeth. Dropped a kiss onto her forehead. I didn’t let go. She was heaven in my arms. The relentless ache in my chest softened.
I could tell her all of it. About Afghanistan and Cody and Mrs. O’Donnell and my knee and Alaska. But I didn’t. I didn’t talk about that shit.
Instead, I pulled away. “Until tomorrow night.”
Her hair was mussed, her lips red, and her cheeks rosy. She looked thoroughly kissed. She didn’t say anything as I left, just waved and watched me go.
Chapter 19
Hannah
I read somewhere that it doesn’t matter what the emotion is—the jewel is within it. That going inside the emotion is where peace is. We fight so hard to protect ourselves from pain and discomfort, but the fighting is the pain. As the Buddha said, suffering is part of life, but we can overcome it if we don’t act like toddlers and cling to what we want.
I watched myself doing just that—going into hyperdrive to avoid feeling something uncomfortable—leading up to my date with Jake. Fear was the biggest emotion gripping me—no, actually, it was excitement. And desire. But fear was everywhere. And I didn’t like it.
The kiss in the back of the studio…whew, that kiss helped and didn’t help, all at the same time. It had been a wild, mind-blowing, sexy-as-hell kiss that only promised more to come. And it had swept me right off my feet.
I was no longer afraid that Jake would be like Danny and jeopardize my employment after our breakup. But, I was even more afraid of falling for this guy. Afraid of losing myself again. Afraid of getting my heart broken.
Fact of the matter was I didn’t trust myself. To compensate, I scrubbed Bloom from top to bottom, scrubbed my house from top to bottom, and hauled out a load of junk from my backyard. Set your house in order, right? Solve your problems.
But nothing felt solved to me. I just felt exhausted and strung out.
Thursday afternoon, as I was lying on the couch thinking about canceling our date—I mean, that kiss—Jennifer showed up on my doorstep.
“I have nail polish and an electric razor,” she announced, holding up the overstuffed backpack in her hand.
“You are my savior,” I said, opening the door. “But you don’t need to give up your day for me.”
“I love this kind of stuff. Do you have a Bluetooth speaker? I’ll put on some tunes.”
I waved her into the kitchen. She dropped her bag onto the table.
“I need two bowls of hot water for mani-pedis.” Her nose crinkled, and she grabbed my wrist. “What happened to your hands?”
My nails were a mess. Broken and filled with dirt. Not to mention the calluses on my palms. “I’ve been cleaning.”
“Are you the one who attacked Bloom with a mop? The place is sparkling.” She looked around. “As is your house. Nerves?”
“I’m not really a nail polish kind of girl.” I avoided the question.
“It’s just for fun.” She opened her backpack and unloaded a small salon onto my kitchen table. “This is what girlfriends do before a big date, you know?”
I didn’t know. But I would take her word for it.
“Do you have anything to drink? I biked over.” Jennifer opened my fridge. I cringed. My secret junk food addiction was totally exposed. I had Coke and Pepsi in there. A girl can have her cake and eat it too.
“Oh my God, can I have some Coke? I can’t remember the last time I had soda.”
My brows flung up. Jennifer drank Coke? “Help yourself.” I smiled. Maybe I wasn’t such a yoga misfit after all. “The glasses are over the sink.”
Jennifer put water on to boil and poured herself a glass of soda. She took a big sip, her eyes closed, her face ecstatic. “Nectar of the gods.”
I laughed, inhaled a big breath and relaxed my shoulders on the exhale. “What else do we need for the mani-pedis?”
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Two hours later my nails were painted, my pores cleaned, my hair wrapped in a hot oil treatment, and Jennifer ushered me into the shower.
“Shave everywhere,” she instructed, handing me a razor.
I was nearly out of hot water by the time I was done. Nervous and excited, I came out of the bathroom to find my clothes laid out on my bed.
“You went through my underwear drawer?” I said, uncertain if this was normal girlfriend behavior or not.
“Wear these.” She held up my nicest pair of panties, unfazed. “No bra.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’m going to get you a big glass of wine and do your hair and makeup. Just put on a robe for now.”
“Wine would be nice. And…,” I squeezed Jennifer’s hand. “Thanks. For all this. I’m really nervous and…Thanks.”
“Of course, chica! I’m happy to do it.” She held up tweezers. “How about sculpting your eyebrows?”
“Really?” I peered in the hand mirror she’d pulled out of her bag. “Are they bad?”
“Not too bad, I just like tweezing. Sit back and relax.”
Relax? I leaned back and closed my eyes. “Okay, but if I’m going to let you do this, you have to tell me about the designer clothes you sold at Pandora’s Closet.”
Silence. Jennifer wasn’t even breathing, it seemed. I opened my eyes. She was looking out the window, biting her lower lip.
“I haven’t told anyone,” she said, turning toward me. “Not even the other girls.”
“I won’t tell them. And we don’t have to talk about it. I just thought, if you’re in trouble, maybe we could help. We’re all feeling the pinch of the studio finances right now.”
“Yeah, it’s been tight.” She leaned forward and plucked a hair from my eyebrow, and I jumped.
“Ow.” I rubbed my brow, trying to ease the sting. “Way to change the topic. You can always move in here if things get bad.”
“Wow, Hannah, thanks.” She put her hand on my shoulder. “That’s really kind of you. But I’ll be all right. My mom loves vintage fashion, and I don’t. That’s all. We’ll all get through this time. Classes will pick up after Yoga Week.”
“You’re right,” I said, hopping onto her optimism bandwagon. “It’s just a phase.”
I drank some wine and sat back, letting Jennifer primp and pamper and blow-dry and tweeze to her heart’s content. When she was done, I slid into the red silk dress.
“You look so hot. Jake’s not going to know what hit him.”
I stared at my reflection in the full-length hall mirror. I did look hot. Thanks to Jennifer’s help, my hair was long and straight, my eyes smoky, my lips red, and my dress the perfect blend of slinky and classy. Heat pulsed low and heavy in my pelvis.
“I can do this.”
“Of course you can. It’s six forty-five. I’d better be off.” She kissed me on the cheek and slipped something in my purse. “Here are two condoms. Use them wisely. Have fun and call me in the morning.”
She was on her bicycle before I dragged my mind away from condoms. And sex. With Jake. I opened my front door and yelled out, “Thank you, Jennifer! You’re the best!”
She blew me a kiss. “Make him beg, girlfriend.”
I laughed and watched her ride away.
Jake showed up just as I closed my front door. He was early.
He parked his truck and got out. I peeked through the window. He was wearing aviator sunglasses, a white dress shirt, no tie, and pressed khaki pants. His shirt was open at the collar, showing his tanned skin. He looked good. Like, really good.
I whirled away and pressed my back to the wall, my heart pounding.
/> I couldn’t do this.
The man put the O in gorgeous.
And he kissed like he was a drowning man and I was his air.
How was a girl to resist?
I took a deep breath and debated opening the door or waiting for him to ring the bell. In the end, he rang the bell before I could make up my mind. Shoulders back, hands shaking, I opened the door.
He froze, his sunglasses in his hand, and stared at me. His gaze slid over me, from my straight hair to my red high heels. Then back up again. Heat trailed over my skin like he had touched me.
I twirled for him, aware of the sexy panties beneath my sexy dress. It must have been the wine. I’m not a twirler. But for him, I was. “You told me to wear a dress.”
“Wow.” He planted his hand on my waist and kissed my cheek. He was like the sun radiating heat and light. I could easily be pulled into his orbit. “I thought you would look good,” he murmured, leaning back just enough to run his eyes over me again. “But wow.”
“You look good too.” And smell good.
He swallowed. Was it weird I found his Adam’s apple sexy? “I made a reservation at The Table, if that sounds good to you.”
“What happened to greasy and unhealthy?” The Table was our local organic, farm-to-table restaurant.
“I wanted to take you somewhere special.” He trailed his finger down my arm, leaving goose bumps in his wake. “You can have dessert for dinner, if you want.”
“The Table is good.” I wobbled on my high heels. Two minutes in and I was mush. “I’ll just grab my wrap. You want to come in?”
“Sure.” He stepped inside, filling the entryway. I leaned around him to close the front door.
“Follow me for the grand tour. This is the living room, and here’s the kitchen,” I said, rushing through the house. I opened the back door. “I have a little yard. Well, yard is a loose term. It’s more like a sketchy alley. I cleaned up the busted concrete and random pieces of wood and disintegrating patio furniture trapped in the bushes. But I didn’t find any broken glass or rusty nails, so that’s a plus.”
I was babbling. I snapped the door closed and went back into the kitchen to get my wrap and my purse from the chair.
The purse with the condoms.
I grabbed my things, turned, and bumped into his chest. Instead of retreating, he trapped me there between his chest and my table.
He was looking at me in that way of his. Really looking at me, his gaze searching mine. “You open to this? To me convincing you we should be friends? More than friends?”
I could do this.
“Yes.” I gripped my purse between us.
He removed my purse and wrap from my death grip and put them down on the table behind me. His eyes never left mine. “I need to be certain this is what you want, Hannah. Because once we start, I’m not holding back.”
My mind reeled. I closed my eyes. But I felt him. Like sunshine. Radiating heat. Warming me. Tugging at me.
Closer.
“Tell me what you want, Hannah.”
I wanted to be calm. I wanted to date a guy and have fun and not start planning our wedding. And, when the time came to let him go, I wanted to open my hands and let him go. Free.
“I want to kiss you,” I whispered.
He leaned in closer. His spicy scent went right to my head. “Then kiss me.”
My eyes snapped open. His jaw was hard and covered in scruff. His mouth soft.
I placed my hand on his chest, arched up, and pressed my lips to his. He tasted like mint, like pleasure.
He opened his mouth, soft and hot. Desire danced down my spine and pulsed outward. I grabbed his shoulders. Fit my mouth harder against his and touched my tongue to his. But he didn’t touch me. The whole time, his hands rested on the chair behind me. He kissed me, but he was holding back too.
I dropped back on my heels, swaying.
His face was hard. His breathing harsh. “If I touch you, I’m going to take that red dress right off you. We’ll never get out of this house.”
He took his hands off the chair like he was holding something heavy. Then he stepped back, his hands fisted at his side.
“Oh,” I said, breathless.
He picked up my wrap from the kitchen chair and put it over my shoulders without touching my skin.
“Shall we?” He offered me his elbow.
I was ablaze. Weak kneed. In way over my head. And loving it. “Let’s go.”
It was a warm spring night, and the downtown pedestrian mall was busy. There was a line of people at the restaurant, but we were seated right away. We sat on the patio where we could watch people shopping and strolling and looking at the tulips. A street performer was playing a xylophone from Africa, and I enjoyed it. All of it. Especially the handsome man sitting across from me.
“You look happy,” Jake said, taking my hand.
“I feel happy.”
“You sound surprised.”
“I don’t know. I guess I was nervous about tonight.”
“Do I make you nervous?” The right side of his mouth tugged back into a grin.
I rolled my eyes. “What, me?” My voice dripped with sarcasm. We both knew he made me incredibly nervous. But I was determined to get over that.
The server came by, and we ordered wine and food and sat back to enjoy the warm evening.
“Where do you think that guy is going?” Jake nodded toward a bright, spandex-clad man walking his bike down the pedestrian mall.
“He’s certainly got a lot of neon going on.”
“You think he’s trying to pick up girls?”
“In that outfit? I don’t know. Maybe he’s really a Cirque de Soleil performer and he’s lost. Like a flamingo that escaped from the zoo.”
Jake smiled. I wanted to kiss his scar, there by his lip.
“What about that girl? With the ferret on her shoulder?” I asked.
“Definitely a witch, headed to a meeting with her coven. Tonight, they are casting spells for…curse removals. One of the witches in the coven had a bad run-in with a male witch last week.”
I snorted my wine. “Okay, here’s one.” I decided to play my favorite people-watching game. “How long do you think that couple has been dating?” I nodded toward a couple on the other side of the restaurant. They were holding hands and rubbing up against each other like cats.
“Hmm, I say four months. Long enough they think they’re in love, but not so long they’ve grown bored of each other.”
“Four months, huh?” Was that his magical number? We’d be together about three months before he left for Alaska.
Was he going to grow bored with me?
I pushed the thought away.
“And that couple in the corner? Married,” Jake said. The man and woman were both typing on their phones, not looking at each other at all. They were in separate worlds.
I narrowed my eyes. “I’m going to say they are a year in and too lazy to break up. They’ve lived together for six months, and it’s too hard to find a new apartment in this real estate market.”
Jake chuckled and poured me more wine. “I’ll take that and raise you a pair of lovebirds.”
Just to our left, two men sat at a bistro table eating dinner. They could have been friends, except for the small touches they gave each other. On the hand. The leg. The shoulder. There was a calm around them, like together they could take on the world.
“Married,” I said.
“Really? How can you tell?”
I wanted to say they had an obvious level of happiness and intimacy. “Rings on their fingers.”
Jake leaned forward, trying to see better, and murmured in my ear. “Ah, yes, rings. Mrs. Sherlock Holmes over here.”
“I do try. And that couple back there on their phones? No rings. I give them until summer when the students leave and the rental market opens up.”
He sat back, amusement dancing in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, I imagine something like “I really l
ike you, Hannah” or “You are gorgeous and funny.” But the server showed up with our dinners. Conversation switched to the deliciously prepared food, and whether “real” food tasted better than junk food.
It was all so easy and fun. We never ran out of things to say.
“I want to show you more of Colorado,” Jake said after our plates had been cleared.
Warmth spread through me. “Oh, wow. That would be awesome. I’d love that. What were you thinking?”
“Backpacking. We’re going up around the continental divide this weekend.”
My brows winged up. “Cool! I love hiking, but, um, more like walking hiking. I don’t want to hold you back.”
He huffed a laugh. “I like walking hiking too. I promise I won’t drag you up a huge mountain. Do you have gear?”
“A few things.” Gear was expensive and not something I’d ever had the leisure to invest in. “I got hiking boots. You’d be proud of me.”
“Good girl,” he purred.
I flushed and wiggled in my seat, then took a sip of ice water, trying to cool down.
He was inviting me deeper into his world, and I wanted to go. “It’ll be nice to get out again. I haven’t explored much since my near-death experience.”
He cocked his head. Then, “Oh, you mean when the mountain lions almost ate you.”
“Yeah.” I grinned.
He grinned back. “I’ve got tons of stuff you can borrow. You just need a pack that fits you, all mine are for dudes. So, you want to come this Saturday? I’m going with the guys from work. You could bring some girlfriends. I’ll even carry most of the weight.”
“Well, then, how could I say no? I’d love to. But I’ll have to text the girls and work out substitute teachers…” I shook my head, not letting myself worry. “It’ll be great.”
The waiter came by with the check and Jake insisted on paying. Then he leaned in and kissed me behind my ear. “Ready?”
“Sure.” My heart pulsed. Wasn’t this the part of the date where we went back to my house and made love?
We stood and pressed our way through the crowd at the door.
Breathless (Yoga in the City Book 1) Page 17