She put her hand on my belly. “You okay?”
“Sure.”
“Dreading your speech next weekend?”
“I’ll get through it.” I was getting prepared like a good soldier. My chest candy was polished, my boots shined. But I hated the Army Commendation Medal they’d given me. I’d done nothing to deserve it. Just had the dumb luck of surviving.
Hannah trailed her hand up to my ribs. “We should talk about what happens when you get back. We’ll be working in the same building. You know, maybe—”
“We fucked up, Hannah.”
I had to stop her, because I was messed up. I was living a lie. And I couldn’t do this.
“What do you mean?”
“We got in too deep.” Shadows floated across the ceiling. Light and dark.
“We?”
“Yes. We.” I rubbed my hand over my chest again. I loved her. She had to know that already.
“Well, we didn’t really mean to.” She said the words slowly. “Maybe…maybe it just happened. Maybe…life changed.”
I frowned. “I’m still the same guy. I haven’t changed.”
“Well, maybe…I could wait. For you. Wait until you got back.”
“I know where you’re going with this, and I wish I could go there with you.” I was the worst kind of ass. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her.
No matter how much I loved her, it wasn’t enough. I was broken inside. The pieces didn’t fit together.
I’d read Cody’s silly notes. I’d collected the rocks and went to the O’Donnells’. But somewhere inside, I was still bound. Tighter than ever. Like some tricky knot that tightened the more you tried to undo it.
“I can’t be the man you deserve.”
Her face was a tumble of expression. Flushing. Mortified. Hopeful. Scared. Angry.
“Jake…”
I was granite. I was a mountain. I couldn’t let her have hope. I was a lost cause. “It has to be over.”
“Okay,” she whispered. Then she nodded her head, like she was convincing herself of something. “Okay.”
She pushed away. Climbed out of bed.
I felt like she was pulling on a rope. A lifeline. Like she was tugging me with her. I forced myself not to move.
She shrugged on a robe, wrapped her arms around her belly, and backed away.
Pain slashed her face into hard lines.
“Hannah, I—” My voice broke. I had to stop and catch my breath. My chest heaved with the effort. Fuck, it hurt. I forced myself to glance back at her. “I leave in fourteen days.”
She nodded, her face pale. “I know you’re broken, and I want you anyhow, but you’re going to resist that and keep trying to hide your broken bits, and that will break me, so if you want me, you know where to find me.” She backed away, turned, and ran out the door.
I got dressed and went to run those six miles in the rain.
Chapter 39
Hannah
There is something so hopeless about being in love. Like a moth flinging itself against a light until it burns up and dies, exhausted and empty. I was standing outside my body, watching myself go through the motions, watching myself fling my body in useless directions.
I sought out Jake at the studio later that week, even as I told myself to let him go. Annette called me—there was some issue with the HVAC system and Jake’s crew needed access to the studio. They were fixing it or updating it or something. I just couldn’t care because my heart was breaking, and I was flinging, flinging myself against a cold, hard glass. Trying to find the hot fire inside.
I found Jake upstairs in what was to be their new offices. The space looked entirely different. Modern and western at the same time. Natural wood, stone and glass accented the open floorplan.
He froze when he saw me. I gave him a little wave. The last time I’d seen him, he’d been naked in my bed. Now he was wearing khaki pants and an oxford shirt rolled up at the sleeves. He was cleaned up and talking to some guy I’d never seen before wearing a suit.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
What if he died in Alaska?
What if he slipped and fell to his death? Got caught in an avalanche? Attacked by a grizzly bear? Died of hypothermia?
What if I never saw him again?
He said something to the guy beside him and came over to me.
“You need access to the HVAC or something?” I said before he could greet me. I didn’t want him to think I’d come to see him. Even though I had.
“Yeah. I just have a moment. Let’s go down and I’ll have a look.” He held his hand out for me to go first. It was like we were just business associates. Like the past few months had never happened.
Pain lodged in my chest. But I held my head high and marched down the stairs, around the florist to Bloom Yoga.
He walked with me into the studio and went through some ridiculous explanation of heating and cooling units and energy conservation and air pressure systems, and I should’ve be listening, but I wasn’t. I ground my teeth. He hadn’t touched me. He hadn’t even come close to me.
“So, we need to cancel class most of Friday?” I cut in, interrupting his explanation of heat recovery ventilation.
He finally looked at me. “We can talk money, if that’s what you need.”
My head snapped back. “Excuse me?”
“What?” His brow lowered. “I’m trying to be helpful here.”
“We don’t need your charity.” I couldn’t swallow the painful lump lodged in my throat.
“Okay, fine.”
“Fine.” I waved my hand between us. “Is this how you break up with all your girls? Just end it like it never happened?”
He ran his hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “No.”
That’s it. That’s all he said.
“No?” I sniped. It was like pulling teeth trying to get the guy to talk.
“I don’t know. It’s all just…” He looked around like he was searching for words. “I’ve got an investor upstairs.”
I flinched, his coldness was worse than anything he could have done or said. “By all means, don’t keep him waiting.”
He scowled at the floor. “I’m heading out for a trail run later. I’ll have to come back down tomorrow, after Crystal’s class.”
“All right.”
“I need some fresh air.”
“Sounds nice.” Sounded like shit, actually. Like running away. My tone was acid.
I ground my teeth and glared at him. I didn’t for a minute believe he couldn’t come back down after he’d talked with the investor. He just didn’t want to deal with my drama.
He didn’t want to deal with me.
This was it. I knew it would end, I just didn’t think it would be like this. So cold.
Anger burned through my muscles and made them tight. I wanted to lash out and fight. Energy was building inside me, twisting and writhing, and I could barely stand it. Everything was locked up, my arms, my chest, my belly, my breath. Everything was refusing to go along with the moment.
Fuck the moment. The moment sucked.
I tried to take a breath, tried to calm down, but I started shaking.
The look on Jake’s face… He was already half a world away. He was already on that cold, ice-and-granite mountaintop.
It was his fault. He was scared.
It was my fault. I knew this would end. I had no self-control.
He sucked.
I sucked.
Everything fucking sucked.
And none of it mattered. The blame-and-shame game never worked.
The only thing that mattered was how much I wanted to touch him. How much I wanted him to look at me.
Just look at me.
“After I come back tomorrow, I’ll let you all know what time we will be here Friday.” He swallowed and glanced out the window. He couldn’t look at me. “It’ll just take one day. We’ll move what needs to be moved and put it back in place. You don’t even need
to be here.”
You don’t even need to be here.
Message received, loud and clear.
“Okay, then.” I huffed. “Have a good run. I’ll see ya.”
I could hardly breathe.
He glanced at me, once, and it ripped me apart.
“Okay, Hannah,” was all he said. And he was gone.
I went home and drank half a bottle of wine. I kept glaring at my phone. I wanted to call Jake so bad, my knuckles were white. I wanted to tell him he was an ass. That he was scared. That he was not the man I thought he was.
Trust. Relax. Believe.
Those words were shit right now.
Dust in my mouth.
I was so not going with the flow on this one. I was resistant all the way. With all the heat and agitation to go along with it.
I paced my house, stumbled over my rug, and drank more wine. I wanted to get in my car and drive. I wanted to run away from all this. But I was stuck. I had classes to teach in the morning. I had a business to run. I had to stay and figure it out.
I had no idea how to do that.
Grasping, clawing heartbreak was suffocating me, and I couldn’t get away.
Not knowing what else to do, and needing to do something, anything, to relieve my pain, I picked up my phone and texted him.
Hannah: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Hannah: That’s me screaming
Hannah: text screaming
Hannah: It’s not very satisfying. I wish I could send you a Howler. I’m so mad
Hannah: I just put my laundry in the fridge
Hannah: :(
Hannah: You are making me CRAAAZZZZYYYYYYYYY
Hannah: I think you are running away. I think you are telling lies to yourself. I think you go to the mountains to hide. I sound like Oprah and I don’t give a fuck because I love Oprah. Girl speaks the truth.
Hannah: And I love YOU. I love you. You have to realize that.
Hannah: I am so frustrated Damon!
Hannah: Damon!
Hannah: Ahhh
Hannah: Admit
Hannah: Damn it! I was trying to write Damn it!
Hannah: Freaking autocorrect
Hannah: You know what, I’m going to check out of this drama. #unsubscribe
Hannah: This is it. I’m out. I’m not going to text anymore. Go up to Alaska. Do your thing. Bye.
Hannah: Okay one more thing, just know you are choosing your loneliness so it doesn’t count #boom #dropthemike
Hannah: I need to clear my energy. Delete me from your contacts. If you want me out of your life you should get me out of your phone.
Hannah: It’s Hannah again in case you deleted me. Don’t read these texts. Just erase them. Please!!!!
Oh my God, what had I done?
Hours later, once the wine-fueled rage had cooled and sobered, I stood in my bedroom, staring at my phone.
I needed to delete the texts. I needed to take them all back and make sure Jake never read them. They were angry and mean and not what he needed to hear.
What was I going to do?
Think, Hannah. Think!
There was only one way. I had to steal his phone. He said he was going for a trail run after work, and there was a good chance he didn’t bring his phone.
No, I couldn’t do that. Stealing his phone was crazy town, even for me.
But I also couldn’t let him leave like this. I couldn’t send him to Alaska with these words between us. I had to go see him.
I grabbed my keys, ran to my car, and raced up the canyon to his condo.
His truck was there. Thank God.
My breaths coming in shaking gasps, I shoved my phone in my back pocket and rang his front bell.
Footsteps echoed through the condo. He was coming to the door. My legs felt numb, and my hands began to sweat.
He opened the door and scrutinized me with a lowered brow. Had he read the texts? I couldn’t tell.
My pulse hammered in my ears. He’d chopped his hair super short and trimmed his beard. He looked tough and gorgeous at the same time, his cheekbones and lips stark and handsome. He crossed his arms and leaned against the doorjamb.
I swallowed. Time to face the music. “I…uh…couldn’t find my…uh…favorite earrings and I thought maybe I had left them here.” I totally bailed on apologizing first thing.
He peered at me. “I haven’t seen any earrings.”
“Oh, okay, then.”
“You want to come in and look?”
I edged inside the door. I had no plan. I hated to admit what I’d done. I scurried down the hall and up the stairs, buying time. My heart thumped erratically.
I scooted into his bedroom and stopped. There actually was a pair of my earrings on his dresser. And a photo of me laughing on top of Diamond Peak.
He came in behind me. “You texted me earlier. Was it about—”
Shit. Shit. Shit. Still facing away from him, I squeezed my eyes closed.
“What’s this?”
“What’s what?” I forced my eyes open, forced myself to turn around.
“These texts?” He glanced up at me, his face a hard mask, then looked back at his phone. “Is this what you’re doing here?”
“Uh…”
“Nice use of hashtags.”
“Don’t read any more.” I grab his phone, but he yanked it back out of my hand.
“Delete me from your contacts. If you want me out of your life you should get me out of your phone.” He glared at me, his eyes cold. “Is this what you think of me? That I’m a coward?”
“No!” I was fire to his ice. He looked back at his phone. My pulse rushed in my ears.
I tried to grab the phone again, but he held it out of reach. “This is stupid, Jake. Just delete them. I didn’t mean it. I’m really sorry.”
“You didn’t mean it?”
“I was tipsy and mad. You were being a dick.”
“I was being a dick?”
“Will you stop repeating what I say?”
“I’m just trying to understand here, Hannah.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t want you to leave with this between us. But it looks like… Oh forget it.” Tears welled in my eyes. I smacked my hand against the wall and stormed out of the room.
He followed me down the stairs. “What the hell, Hannah?”
Words built up in my mouth. Mean, hurtful words meant to flay and sting. I chewed them back. I’d come to heal, not to make things worse.
“Hannah.” He grabbed my arm, but I pulled away. “Stop.”
I didn’t want to stop. I needed to get out before I said even more to regret. Or before I burst into tears. I fumbled with the lock on the door.
“Hannah. Stop this.” He barked like the soldier he was.
I whirled around. “Don’t use that tone with me.”
“You weren’t supposed to get hurt. You made the rules.” His voice bounced off the bare walls.
I yanked open the door. “Yup, you’re right. All the blame is at my feet. Happy?”
“No.” He reached his hand above my head and slammed the door closed.
I planted my hands on my hips. “What more could you possibly have to say to me?”
He kept his hand on the door above my head, caging me in. “You blindsided me. Fucking sucker punch to the gut.”
“What? Tonight?”
“All of it.” He pounded his hand against the door.
“I don’t know what you’re saying,” I yelled, frustrated.
“I’m saying I love you,” he shouted.
I slammed my hand onto his hard chest, right over his heart. “Well, I love you too.”
“Good.” He didn’t move.
“Good.”
“So, why are we yelling at each other?”
“Because.” I stomped my foot. “You’re so frustrating!”
“I’m frustrating?”
“Yes!”
He covered my hand with his. “I can’t be what you need.”
> “Why? What happened in Afghanistan?”
He closed his eyes and hung his head. “I killed him. I killed my best friend.”
Chapter 40
Jake
Hannah stood in my entryway, pale and frozen. I pressed her warm palm against my heart and struggled to catch my breath. “I killed him.”
She winced at the words. Ugly, brutal words that didn’t touch the gruesome truth. “I’m sure you—”
I shook my head. I had to say this. To her. I had to say it out loud. I let go of her hand, stepped back, and looked out the window. The last shades of violet were turning to black night.
“It was a routine surveillance mission. When the blast hit…I didn’t know what was going on. It was so loud, I couldn’t hear. Then there was so much dust, I couldn’t see or breathe either. All I knew was I was fucked. I was on the ground. My leg was ripped open and twisted backwards. There was enemy gunfire. I was a goner. But Cody—” I had to swallow. “Cody came for me. Like some dumb fucking hero. To drag me the fuck out.”
I buried my hands in my hair and pulled.
“And then he was down too. Shot in the back. And I was too fucking weak to save him.” I tilted my head up like a drowning man and sucked in a breath. I’d only talked about this once, at Walter Reed Hospital. They wouldn’t let me go until I talked. But it didn’t help.
It was my fault. Hannah needed to know this.
“He died trying to save you,” Hannah said softly. “That was his choice, not yours.”
“My fucking leg.”
She put her hand on my arm. “Would you have done the same for him if he was injured?”
I flinched away. “I couldn’t. I was too weak.”
“You were blown up. How is that weak?”
I shook my head.
“Don’t deny him his choice, Jake.”
Anger exploded inside my head. “Shit, Hannah. I stole his life.”
“How can you steal something that was given to you?”
I stared out the window, a silent rage boiling inside me.
“You think I don’t get it. Okay. I’m not going to argue with you. But I’m glad you told me.”
“I need to go to Alaska. For him. To honor him.” I directed my words to the darkness outside.
Breathless (Yoga in the City Book 1) Page 28