by Stahl, Shey
Please. If you have to try to do it, you shouldn’t.
Besides the hair, what sent me into a state of complete raging lunacy was when I heard him tell Kyle and my dad his name.
Mike Tanner.
I may not have the best memory in the world but I remembered exactly who Mike Tanner was.
And Sway had the fucking nerve to recommend him?
I felt the twinge of jealous rush through me that this was the guy she’d slept with last. I wanted to kill him. I didn’t care if this guy is the best fucking wheel man around. He was not racing my fucking car. That much I did settle on during the thirty minute interview. I didn’t hear a word dad and Kyle said to him.
Unfortunately for me, an hour later, I found myself escorting him through the shop to fill out a background check.
“How long have you been racing?” I asked coldly unlocking the door to the office. The keys clanked together breaking the silence.
It was clearly a dumb question considering I had his resume in my hands—hands that were currently trembling as I tried to control my raging anger. All I could focus on was that he slept with Sway.
“Since I was nine,” Mike answered following closely.
I nodded. “I hear you’re on the Outlaw tour?”
“Yeah, for the last year.” We passed by my office heading toward the main office at the end of the hall. “I was racing outlaw later models prior to that.”
“How...” my voice faded when I didn’t hear footsteps behind me.
Mike had stopped by the door to my office, gazing toward a photograph of Sway and I that I had framed in the hallway. It was from my last win in Loudon on my birthday.
When I cleared my throat, Mike began walking again.
“How long have you known Sway Reins?”
“A while,” I answered dryly.
“I’ve gotten to know her over the years.” He told me with a confidence I wanted to wipe from his smug face. “We’re good friends.”
“I doubt that,” I mumbled. My jaw clenched tightly when his arms crossed over his chest insolently. “Is this about racing or Sway?”
“I think you know it’s about both.” He had the nerve to reply with.
I shook my head and glowered at him, my body tensed. “Sway is none of your concern.”
Mike laughed darkly appearing relaxed. “You know...” he stepped toward me and gestured with a nod at the photograph. “I can see how a small town girl like Sway Reins was able to tame Rowdy Riley.” He winked at me. “She gives good head.”
I lunged for him, broken bones an all.
I had every intention of kicking the living shit out of him. I curled my one good fist tightly, which was tough considering I was left handed, and landed a punch into his jaw that cracked loudly.
Now it wasn’t a fair fight at all. There I was; broken ribs, broken collarbone, broken arm, and a wrist that was in a cast.
But what helped me out was when I ripped the sling off and used my plaster cast as weapon. It worked in my favor. Caused an ungodly amount of pain, but it was effective.
I caught him off guard. His head snapped back at the force of my one hundred and ninety pound body hitting his stomach as my right shoulder took the blunt force of the impact.
“Don’t ever talk about Sway!” I growled inches from his ear, pulling him back and then slamming his back against the wall once more.
Mike struggled against me, which wasn’t hard to do. I was hardly in any condition to be fighting and I was already feeling the burn and sharp pains traveling through my entire left side. I knew I would be paying for this tonight.
He surprised me when his fist rose and before I could react he punched me once in the jaw. I stumbled back, saw stars but he wasn’t getting away. One shot was all he was getting before I was completely on top of him pounding the fuck out of him with my one good hand and effective use of my cast.
“Get off me Riley!” He shouted attempting to defend himself.
Mike wasn’t a large guy, maybe one sixty, so I had weight on but considering I was impaired by broken bones he easily threw me off.
By this time Spencer, who was in the race shop, heard the commotion and was instantly holding me back against the wall.
Mike stumbled and stood leaning against the wall to support him, surrounded by the broken glass of the picture frames that once hung on the walls. Blood dripped from his nose on to the white tile floor beneath him.
“I’m sure your possessive tendencies are appreciated.” He reached up to wipe the blood from his nose, smearing it over his cheek. “What girl doesn’t want to feel wanted? She was a good lay. Flexible if I remember correctly.” He smirked, clearly amused.
“Fuck you. And you can forget about driving my car!” I hollered as Spencer shoved me back against the wall, pinning me to it with his forearm across my throat.
Mike’s eyes shifted from the floor, around the hallway and then back to me. “You might want to be more careful with threatening people.” He said quietly before a twisted smile formed.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I growled, struggling against Spencer and fighting to get to Mike. My body shook so badly I thought I was about to erupt.
Mike’s eyes narrowed slightly before taking a step back and walking out.
“What’s the matter, not up for the competition these days?” Spencer asked letting me go.
I winced adjusting my sling. “Shut up,” I barked walking into my office and slamming the door. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”
Spencer followed sticking his head inside with a grin. “So that’s a no on Tanner?”
With all the force I could muster, I grabbed the laptop from my desk and flung it toward the door. I could hear his booming laughter.
Whether I wanted to admit this or not, inside, I was that twenty-three year old kid I claimed I wasn’t and I was acting as such.
My temper hadn’t improved at all.
Another one of my stupid ideas while pissed was the idea to destroy my office in my fit of rage.
I was pissed; beyond pissed.
Had Sway slept with him recently? It was a thought I couldn’t stop myself from thinking.
I wouldn’t think she would do something like that. Not my Sway. But the paranoid part of me was unsure.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way between us.
We were supposed to be moving forward and not having doubts. This was the happily ever after part. There shouldn’t be fighting and fear.
But there was. Because of me.
I trusted Sway. I trusted her with everything I had and wouldn’t doubt anything she told me. Until now. Maybe I was just jealous. Of course I was fucking jealous. I won’t lie.
How could I not be? He slept with her.
Sway Bar – Sway
When I walked inside his destroyed office, I didn’t know what to expect.
I thought Jameson was angry when I left him in Sonoma that night but this ghastly temper flaring in front of me was something I’d never seen before and I’ve seen some interesting temper tantrums from him.
In all the years I’ve known him, I’d never seen this side of him.
“Are you okay?” I asked with a justifiable amount of hesitation.
“Did you fuck him?” I could see his chest heaving even from behind as he rested his head against the cabinet.
Not the question I was expecting at all.
“What?” I gasped.
With his back to me, his palms swiped down his face over his eyes before he spun around to face me, his head lifted arrogantly. “You heard me.” He growled back. His voice heated and his eyes were that cold ice jade color he got when he was so irate he couldn’t see straight. “Did you?”
I’ve seen this look a time or two in the past but had never been on the receiving end to understand why Tommy called it the “Death Stare”.
“I already told you that.” I was trying to remain calm but I couldn’t help my voice from trembling. Never in my li
fe had I ever been scared of Jameson, until now.
“Goddamn it Sway!” he shouted. “I mean recently.” His hand swept across the counter knocking a glass against the wall. It shattered on impact, shards of glass spread throughout the room just as sharp as his voice. “Did you?”
Now I was pissed.
Here I was almost three months pregnant with his child, and he was accusing me of cheating on him.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I could feel a blush of anger creep across my face.
Jameson glared, his head tilted slightly as if this was meant to be a warning of some sort; and stepped toward me. “Did you fuck him? He said you gave him head.”
“My God Jameson!” I hollered losing control. “I never asked you about the sluts that sucked your dick before us. What would make you think I would tell you who I did? Isn’t that frowned upon in relationships?”
“No one ever has!” He shouted back, his face turning puce with infuriating anger that briefly overpowered the slur.
“Come again?”
He stepped closer with nothing more than harsh breathing and silent words for a moment. Wounded green eyes fringed by dark lashes settle on my face studying me with an unnerving intensity. “I have never let another woman suck my dick.” He seethed slowly, articulating each word with a careful quiet potency.
Jameson’s eyes searched mine as I grasped the meaning behind his words.
“Well then.” was my only response.
His right hand cupped my cheek. I flinched away; too angry that he’d basically accused me of cheating on him. He didn’t let me get away. Instead he raised my chin forcing me look at him. His eyes glowered.
“I’m only going to ask you this once. I will know if you’re lying to me,” he paused and swallowed seeming to choose his next words carefully as his eyes held mine, anger brewing. “Have you been with anyone else since we got together?”
Part of me, the hormonal pregnant part, wanted to tell him to fuck off for even insinuating such a thing but the other part, that part that was irrevocably in love with this man, wanted to answer him.
I chose the latter and went with the stubborn approach. “I can’t believe that you would even ask me a question like that. Do you not trust me at all?” I didn’t wait for his response before I was heading toward the door.
“Sway...wait,” He pleaded his voice was softer but still sharp with anger. “I’m sorry. Please, just...don’t go.”
“No Jameson!” It was my turn to shout again. “You don’t get to apologize. You don’t get to basically call your pregnant girlfriend a whore and apologize not more than a minute later!” I ran out of the office slamming the door behind me.
Once I reached his car, I was in tears.
My heart was aching, feeling like it’d been torn in two once again by this man. The saddest part about that whole thing was even though he was the one who hurt me; he was also the one person who could put me back together.
Jameson was always there to fix anything. Like the night I lost my virginity to Dylan Grady. The next night when Dylan refused to even look at me it was Jameson who picked up the pieces and Christ was there a lot of pieces to gather.
I spent the night drinking and singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at the top of my lungs at least four times, drank an entire twenty-four pack of beer, asked Emma to be a lesbian with me and then vomited all over Spencer at least twice.
When I began my fifth solo of the song, Jameson politely told me I sounded like a dying cat and took my beer away. I can laugh about it now but I really was pathetic.
But what wasn’t pathetic, was the boy that glued me together by just holding me that night while I cried it out.
Being in love is a strange thing. Even when you hate the person for saying or doing something, you don’t stop loving them. You may want to or even go as far to say you won’t, but when you love them, truly love them, it never goes away.
It can’t be shut off or even avoided. Just the engine failure, once it’s been certain, nothing can stop it. All you can do is go with it and try to counteract any after effects.
Sway Bar – Jameson
“Damn it!” My hand once again slipped off the ratchet wrench. Jimi, who’d been watching up until this point, laughing, set his whiskey on the tool cart and walked over.
“What are you doing dipshit? That’s not how you do it.” He asked hovering over me. I could feel his warm whiskey breath on my neck. Being around sprint cars my entire life, I knew how to do this shit. I also knew my World of Outlaw dad, the one that grew up doing this shit himself, knew too. We just didn’t have the same techniques.
“Jesus, I know what I’m doing.” I snapped adjusting the wrench I was using to change out the brakes on Justin’s sprint car, with a broken wrist. I was still angry but at least I could form coherent words. More than anything, I felt like shit having yelled at Sway.
“Obviously not.” he took the wrench from me and proceeded to show me his way.
“There’s more than one way to do this you know.”
“No, there’s one way and then there is bullshit.” His eyebrows rose challenging me. “Guess which one you’re doing right now?”
I snapped and ripped the brake pad off, hurling it across the shop. The metal from the brake scrapped against the concrete floor until it smashed against the sidewall.
My dad laughed. “How’d that work out for you?” he asked tossing the wrench toward the tool cart and walking toward his whiskey again. “You know, I’m not sure exactly what happened between you and Sway this afternoon but you need to fix it.”
“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” I snapped back at him.
“If you fucking know that,” he mocked widening his eyes, “why are you still here doing something that can easily be done by Tommy and going all batshit when I try and help your broken ass?”
I shook my head, letting it fall forward against the top wing of the car. I’ve fucked up tremendously, yet again.
“I don’t even know where she went.” I groaned. “For all I know she flew home.”
My dad laughed one sarcastic patronizing laugh. “You’re dumber than you look. She’s sitting outside in the same place she’s been for the last two hours. Crying.”
“What?”
“She never left dumbass.” He headed for his office again. “She’s been sitting in the car outside. By the way,” he stopped short of the door looking over his shoulder at me. “We chose Warner Leddy to drive for you.”
I think I offered some sort of head nod but not much else before I ran outside. Well I tried, and I was in noticeably bad shape considering I think I re-broke a few bones with the hallway brawl.
Once outside I saw her sitting in my Mustang. Her arms were draped over the steering wheel with her face leaned against it.
She hadn’t left, though she had every right to. I yelled at her and accused her of something she’d never do, she should have left. But that wasn’t Sway. She wouldn’t leave me, no matter what I put her through; she was there for me even when she shouldn’t be.
How many times was I going to break her heart? How many more times will she forgive me?
When I opened the passenger door, she jumped but didn’t look up so I climbed in. We sat there, Sway crying, me tugging at my hair, not saying a word.
I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life but this doesn’t even compare. The guilt I felt, listening to her cry, was maddening.
So there I sat, listening to the woman that owned my heart and soul cry because I broke hers once again. She trusted me with everything and once again, I let her down. She loved me and I hurt her.
What would I even say to apologize for something like that?
I just basically accused my pregnant girlfriend of cheating on me when I knew damn well she’d never do something like that, ever.
Sway sniffled after a few minutes and turned her head to look at me, her eyes red, swollen and still full of the love I didn’t deserve but
she gave it to me unconditionally.
She spoke first. “Not that I ever wanted to have this conversation, but we’re going to.”
“What conversation?” I asked my voice unusually horse, fearing the worst.
“We’re going over the roster.” I could tell this was not something she wanted to do but for her sanity, she needed to.
I, on the other hand, was sick to my stomach instantly thinking of anyone that had ever touched Sway in the ways I had.
Her hand reached out to touch me softly. The instant her skin touched mine I felt calmer already, well, a little calmer. I was not prepared for this.
“I lost my virginity to Dylan Grady when I was sixteen in the back of my truck at Elma during one of your races.” She confessed. “It was horrible. He was rough and it hurt.”
This is worse than I thought.
My stomach lurched remembering why she disappeared that night. “I’m glad I smashed it with a fucking tree.” I muttered looking out the window.
Sway chuckled lightly. The sound brought me back to the conversation.
“He never talked to me again.”
“I’m going to kill him the next time I see him.” I knew he never talked to her again and I was sure it had something to do with me breaking his jaw but it didn’t stop the fact that I wanted to kill him now.
“The next time was with Cooper.”
I knew about him too. I remembered him taking her to the senior prom. I was off racing in California that night.
I pulled at my hair once more. This was harder than I thought it was going to be because we grew up with all these guys. I could have been that guy all along but no, I’m just a stubborn fucker who thought she was too good for me. Judging by my recent behavior, I was absolutely correct.
“And then there was Mike.”
I groaned, unable to hear anymore.
“So let’s hear it.” She turned toward me.
“Sway...” I shook my head. This was not something I even admitted to myself, let alone Sway.