by Stahl, Shey
I think he knew at that point I was starting to get the glazed over look again, knowing it was too much for me. He motioned toward the door with a nod. “Go ahead—she’s been waiting for you.”
When I walked inside, she was sleeping. Looking at her now, I was reminded of how much all this hurt. How much it hurt to see the love of my life, the reason for existence lying in a hospital bed, because of me.
I hated the remorse I felt but I prayed I’d see past the wreckage for some sort of repentance. This wasn’t healthy for me to feel this way nor was it healthy for me to be blaming myself but I did. I did because at that moment blame was all I felt.
I was just starting to doze off beside Sway’s bed when I heard the click of her door. I looked around confused for a moment, trying to decipher if this was a dream or not. Part of me wished it was. Swimming in emotions wasn’t enough. I was suffering. Burning alive with pain, agony, anguish and grief were my only friends. My mind was in such a tormented stage that I didn’t know if I could pull out of the blackness. So yeah, I was disoriented.
My mom peeked her head inside. “Is it a bad time sweetie?”
I shook my head rubbing my eyes as she walked in taking a seat on the other side of Sway.
Trying to focus, I sat up straighter in the chair, rubbing my eyes once again. It was like trying to see through thick fog.
Mom sat quietly for a few moments, her hands clasped near her chin praying.
“How are you holding up?” She whispered with love and concern. The same look everyone was giving me.
“I uh—” I started to speak but the emotion grew into a painful lump in my throat.
I gave up trying to answer her and just shrugged, my face fell in my hands that were resting on the bed.
The truth was, I was far from holding up. I was an absolute fucking mess. I couldn’t think of anything but Sway. I couldn’t eat and sleeping was becoming something I only wished I could do but sadly couldn’t achieve soundly. Every time I closed my eyes, the video deluged my mind, leaving me miserable. I let this happen to her and I couldn’t get past that.
Mom was quiet for a few moments longer, and then bent forward reaching for my hand over Sway’s sleeping body.
“Jameson,” she began, tears streamed down her own cheeks now. “I know that you think this is your fault. I know my son.” She paused until my teary eyes met hers and smiled. “You’ve always thought it was your responsibility to protect Sway, to protect your sister, to protect everyone. Especially with Sway. But sweetie, this, what happened to Sway, is not your fault. You can’t control what happens to her no more than you can control the outcome of a race. You can’t protect her from everything and you need to realize that before you hurt yourself trying.” Her hand rose to sweep my tears away just as she did when I was a child. “Sway needs you to be there for her, but as her boyfriend and soon to be husband. She needs you to be a father to your child together. She does need you, just not as her protector.” Leaning forward, she kissed my forehead before whispering one last piece of advice. “Just think about what I said sweetheart.”
My mom was right and I understood what she was trying to tell me. The problem was, I wasn’t sure I could forget what happened and let go of what I caused.
I drew in a deep breath once my mom left. My hand reached for Sway as she slept. I finally allowed myself to think with uncharacteristic optimism at the thought that, together, we could pull through this okay. It was possible. She was alive. The baby was alive. That right there was reassuring to me.
I felt her hand twitch in mine, her fingers gently squeezing.
“Jameson...” she breathed, her eyes flickering open. “You’re back.”
“Yes, honey.” I smiled weakly. “I’m here.”
“I love you, Jameson,” she spoke softly, her own tears falling. My hand rose to gently brush them away with my thumb.
I let out a gasp that was somewhere in between a gasp and a sob, I truly was a fucking mess still. Bending forward, I cradled her in my arms as much as I could without hurting her.
“Please,” she begged and motioned for me to lie beside her.
I could never deny her anything so I maneuvered myself carefully in the bed, circling my arms around her. It was exactly what the two of us needed in that moment. The warmth of her body, the scent of her, it was everything I needed.
“I love you.” I kissed her forehead as though I was trying to make that one kiss stay there forever.
Sway’s whimsical witty side returned. “You better...I’m carrying your son around inside me,” she let out a small sigh. “And I’ll be on bed rest for the next fourteen weeks. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
“So you’ll still marry me?” My eyes searched hers.
She smirked glancing down at her ring they allowed her to keep on. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I refuse to let go of the fairytale.”
16. Blister – Sway
Blister – Too much heat can make a tire blister and shed rubber. Most drivers can feel it as vibrations and risk more damage if they don’t pit.
“Oh god, that’s so good,”
“You like?”
“So good!” I nodded enthusiastically. “You have no idea.”
“All right,” Jameson shifted away. “I can only take so much here.”
“But it’s so good.”
“Yeah, well, stop it. I’m dying over here.”
Jameson slipped another bite inside my mouth. “Mmmm,”
“Sway,” he warned once again as though that was his last warning.
“Mmmm,”
“Okay, that’s it.” He pushed the blueberry pancakes aside and kissed me, long and deep. It was the first real kiss we’d shared since I’d been here. I wasn’t the only one left breathless that’s for sure. He groaned pushing his hips against my leg he was resting against.
He pulled back, his hand wrapping around my cheek, holding me securely against his face. His eyes didn’t open right away, he just stayed there breathing heavy, until he sighed and leaned in to place one more soft kiss against my lips.
“Why did you stop?”
Jameson teased swaying slightly to the side of my hospital bed where we were laying. “Because, we are in a hospital and you are not ready for things like that.”
“Yes I am.” I stated firmly.
“No...” His eyes narrowed. “you’re not, Sway.”
“Whatever,” I huffed crossing my one arm over my chest, wincing in pain when I did so because he was right, I wasn’t ready. I was still incredibly sore. I really had no idea how painful a broken rib was until now. It was not something I cared to have ever again. Breathing, talking, farting, it all hurt.
“My point exactly,” He said tapping his index finger lightly against my nose. “You’re not ready.”
I smiled. “You like being in control, don’t you?”
He smirked looking away toward the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Good Morning.” Renata called opening the door to stick her head inside. “I brought my favorite girl a treat.” She held a white cup in her hand. “Decaf white chocolate mocha, right?”
“Did you have something to do with that?” I smiled toward Jameson.
“Good woo, right?” he replied winking.
“Yes...good at the wooing.” I smiled back sinking into his warm arms.
“You guys are adorable.” Renata gushed pushing the machine toward the bed. “So kids, it’s time for the ultrasound.”
I watched as Jameson’s eyes lit up at the thought of seeing his little spaz again.
He didn’t disappoint. Our little flailing spaz wiggled around, showed his baby manhood, his baby bum and even sucked his thumb, which I thought was so cute. Jameson just chuckled.
Renata was kind enough to let us just watch him for a good twenty minutes. Judging by his little movements, he was a spitting image of his father in more ways than one.
Jameson was entertaining
to watch. His eyes focused intently on the baby, asking what parts were what and smiling more than I’d seen in a long time.
Eventually Renata concluded her measurements and exam. Afterwards she sat down in a chair to speak with us.
“After this last ultrasound, I’m confident that in another two weeks you can go home, with restrictions.” Renata told us.
“What kind of restrictions?” Jameson asked, still lying in bed with me.
She smiled at him as though she was about to deliver our death sentences.
“Well, for one, no flying and two...no sex until after thirty-two weeks,”
Yep, death sentence for sure.
“What?” I nearly screamed. Jameson laughed nervously. “You have to be fucking kidding me?” I said with wide-eyes. I reserved this look for situations of this nature. The last time I used it was when Charlie threatened to send me to boarding school if I didn’t remove my nipple ring I’d gotten in Mexico was I was sixteen.
Renata found my reaction entertaining.
“No, sorry, not kidding. Since you’ve started dilating it’s best no penetration takes place.”
Jameson coughed shifting next to me. His expression reminded me of high school health class when we had to put condoms on banana’s and I ripped his condom off his and ate his banana in front of the class.
“So that means we can do other things, just no actual align boring?” I clarified.
“Sway!” Jameson blurted out, shifting again.
I don’t know why he’s so shocked. I know Jameson was thinking the same thing.
“Exactly,” Renata giggled at Jameson’s reaction. “You can do other things.” She winked at us. “Just no penetration,”
“Well...that’s a relief.” I locked eyes with Jameson. “Just no penetration,”
“Stop saying that word.”
“When you are ready to go home, have you thought of where you will be staying?” Renata interrupted. “I know you said your regular obstetrician is in Elma, right?”
“Yes, Dr. Sears is in Elma Washington. I figured I would have to go back there...” I glanced at Jameson, he flashed me a smile. “But I can’t fly?”
“I’d prefer you didn’t fly.”
“Well...that’s going to be tough.” I was defeated.
No flying and no penetration? They might as well lock me up.
The thought of a road trip across country was not appealing to me seeing how Jameson wouldn’t be able to accompany me. He had to fly out tomorrow morning for Dover, then Kansas. By the time my two weeks were up, he’d be flying to Fontana again and then straight to Martinsville. His schedule was crazy right now with the last nine races of the series. We didn’t have time for this, but there I was in bed, recovering. Bed rest was inconvenient as hell right now.
Once Renata left, Jameson and I spoke for a few minutes about the baby but I could tell his attention was elsewhere. His phone had been buzzing all morning but he’d yet to answer it. I knew real life was waiting for him.
“What happened?” I asked softly, my face resting against his chest. They finally took my bandage off my head but the stitches couldn’t be removed for another two weeks. The cast on my arm had to stay on for another four weeks after that, which sucked.
“Sway...honey, it is really hard for me to talk about it,” he breathed against my forehead. We still hadn’t talked about anything that happened. Even last night after the race, he didn’t want to talk, just held me all night. Which was fine but eventually, we would need to talk about it before it blistered into something much worse.
“I know...it’s just...no one will actually tell me what happened and I don’t remember anything. The only thing I remember is walking into the stairwell, after that, everything is a blank until I woke up here.”
Jameson didn’t say anything but I felt his heart beating rapidly.
“The police said he tried to—”
His hand came up and silenced my lips, shaking his head he spoke slowly with a sharp edge to his tone that I’d never heard before. “Don’t say that word...please, for the sake of my fucking sanity, don’t say it.”
“Did he?” I asked point-blank.
“He tried but Emma walked in,” his eyes got that glazed over formidable look they’ve had since he came back from the race yesterday. “I saw the surveillance video.”
“You what?” I asked alarmed trying to sit up.
He took a quick deep breath running his hands through his hair and then down his jaw. “Gordon showed me the video yesterday before the race.”
“Jesus...what did you do? Why don’t the police have it?”
“They do have it.” I sensed him shutting down. “Listen, can we not talk about this right now?”
“Sure.” I muttered sourly my gaze found the window.
I was irritated that no one would tell me what happened. I just wanted to know. What’s wrong with that?
Jameson’s hand moved from his hair to touch my cheek, turning me to look at him again. His eyes focused intently on mine for a moment. “I’m sorry...I just, it’s hard for me.” he choked, his eyes glistened tipping his head, his eyes squeezed shut. “I...can’t explain what I felt in that moment. It was like seeing my own personal nightmare come true...and then re-living it, over and over again. It’s all I see right now. I can’t stop...the images.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What did I say about that?” he growled tensing as he became increasingly rigid.
“What do you want me to say? I don’t know what to say...I don’t know how to talk to you about it. Everything with you and me was always so easy. I could talk to you but now, you won’t let me.”
“Because,” his eyes dropping as his guard took over. “I don’t want to think about it,”
“Jameson,” I sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you about this anymore. I just want to know what happened to me. I didn’t know that was so much to ask for.”
“I can’t tell you that.” He let out a dramatic huff removing himself from the bed. “I don’t even want to think about what happened, let alone repeat it.” He mumbled walking out of the room.
I was expecting him to punch the wall or show some sort of outward anger but nothing. He just walked out.
I started crying once he left, my face buried in my pillow. He was gone about ten minutes when there was another knock at the door.
“Is it a bad time?” Officer Henley, the detective on my case, peeked inside.
This wasn’t the first time we’d spoken so I felt comfortable enough to have him in here alone with me.
“No,” I choked brushing my tears away. “Come in.”
“Are you sure? I can come back later.”
“No, it’s fine.” I angled the bed up with the remote so I was more in a sitting position.
“I wanted to let you know that Mariah Fowler was detained yesterday morning and Chelsea Adams was arrested a few hours ago. Both will be charged as accessories to attempted murder for both you and the baby. Gordon Reynolds was also arrested, his involvement isn’t clear yet, but we know he was involved at some point. Darrin Torres is still missing though.” He looked down at his note pad. “A Dana Sloan was also brought in for questioning...she’s being held at the moment but we’re not exactly sure her involvement either.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Where’s Emma when I need all this crime talk spelled out for me?
“Accessories are people who were not present during the commission of the crime but who aided, counseled, procured, commanded, encouraged or protected the principals before or after the crime was committed.” My eyes glazed over similar to Jameson’s. “Ms. Fowler will be charged with second-degree attempted murder, as she was present at the time of the attack. Ms. Adams is being charged as an accessory. Both have admitted to everything, with sworn written statements. There won’t be a trial for them but their arraignment is something you can attend if you’d like to.”
I shook my head.
>
Was he crazy?
I did not intend to see any of them again. I was all for forgiveness, but I drew the line at some point in permanent fucking marker or paint, whichever is more perpetual.
“So there was a surveillance video?”
“Yes, there was.” He watched me carefully. “I heard Jameson viewed it.”
“Yeah, that went well.”
“I think he’s had about as much as he can handle.”
“Was I raped?” I blurted out without thinking. I had to know and no one would tell me. It was just something that was important to me to know.
“From the video it’s hard to say...” his voice faded, his eyes darted around the room.
I’d had enough. “Oh come on, just tell me!”
I must have frightened him; lord knows I surprised myself in that moment, because he began stuttering. “I uh...”
“Answer the damn question.” I snarled back. I was on a roll with this newfound assertiveness. “Tell me cop boy!” I think I even pointed my finger at him.
“He started to...from the video I’ve seen, Darrin began to but abruptly stopped. You can’t tell from the angle of the camera whether or not he actually...” his voice trailed off as he searched for the right words to say. “Well he...”
I decided to help him. “Jesus Christ, you can’t tell whether he stuck it in or not?”
It was so fucking frustrating how guarded everyone was with their terminology. Just spit it out already, I’m not a china doll for fucks sake.
Henley’s face flushed a deep puce color. “Yes, you can’t tell what he was in the process of doing as Emma interrupted him and he fled.”
I felt better. I don’t know why but the fact that I didn’t have Darrin oil leak inside me made me happier; happier than I was at least. I was still pissed as hell he did what he did and wanted chop his dick off.
Henley left, red faced and all, after my verbal attack. Before I could call Jameson to see where he disappeared to, another nurse stuck her head inside. “Hey sweetie, you got another delivery and this one has a letter in it.”