by J B Heller
I spot her sitting in at a small table for two in the back corner and waste no time in making my approach, “Good morning,” I say as I take the seat opposite her.
Her eyes widen, “Uh, what are you doing?”
“Having breakfast with you, what’s it look like?”
She frowns, “It looks like you’re stalking me.”
I scoff, “We’re staying in the same building, and there’s only one place to have breakfast in here. It’s not that sketchy that we’re eating breakfast in the same room.”
Her eyes narrow, “I’ll give you that, but there are plenty of empty tables for you to sit at, so off you go.”
Shaking my head, I smile, “No thanks, I like this one, it’s got a great view.” I know she’s fighting a smile right now, I can see it in her eyes, “Just let me have breakfast with you, what will it hurt?”
She licks her lips, then chews on her bottom lip for a moment as she thinks, finally she sighs, “Fine. But keep your hands to yourself.”
Holding my hands up in front of me I happily agree, “Deal, but just so you know, you can put your hands wherever you want.”
Finally, she lets that smile out and I want to shout in victory, I’ve missed that smile so damn much it makes my chest tighten seeing it again.
“You can’t look at me like that either,” she states.
Grinning like a fool I ask, “Like what?”
She points at my face, “Like that, you can’t look at me like that.”
“Why not?” I press.
She snorts, “Because, that look is not for me anymore.”
I close my eyes and shake my head, “It’s only ever been for you.”
She goes quiet for a minute, and just as she’s about to say something a server approaches our table, “What can I get you this morning, Miss Quinn?”
Eliza looks up at the girl confused, “The same thing I have every day, Sharni.”
The chick looks chagrined, “And you, Mr. Hadley?”
Eliza glares at her, “He’ll have the same.”
The chick shifts her gaze between us couple of times, then nods and leaves us. I chuckle, “What was that about?”
Eliza shrugs, “Who knows.”
I should have told him to leave me alone, but I didn’t.
I should have let Sharni flirt with him, but I didn’t.
I should just get up and sit somewhere else, but I won’t.
Why is he so pretty? I kind of wish I had let Ben mess up his face the other night. Maybe then I wouldn’t like looking at him so much?
When I got back to my room last night, I had to force myself not to pick up the phone and call his room. Being in his arms again felt too good. I haven’t felt like that since he left. Nobody has ever had the effect on me that he does. And as soon as those elevator doors slid closed behind me, I was reminded of just how lonely I am.
His voice penetrates through my thoughts, “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I lie.
He scratches the side of his neck, just like he used to when he was nervous or unsure of himself. “Is it really so bad seeing me again?”
I want to say- Yes, yes it is. I hate you and wish you’d leave me alone. But I can’t. Because the truth is, seeing him again has made me feel more alive than I have since he left. When he left I retreated into myself. I stopped hanging out with my so-called friends. But really, I’d stopped spending time with them when I started spending time with him.
All the same, I didn’t go back to the girl I was before him. It felt like so much effort to keep pretending I wasn’t smart, pretending I liked watching Sex in the City marathons, and playing hard to get for guys I wouldn’t let near me in a million years because I had zero interest in them.
Hux is watching me intently, waiting for my answer, and I sigh, “I suppose it’s not that bad. I just didn’t expect it, I guess.”
He nods, “You and me both, but I can’t say I’m not happy about it.”
That makes me frown, “Why? I don’t get it. Why are you so happy to see me?”
Now he’s the one frowning, “Why wouldn’t I be happy to see you?”
Placing my elbows on the table I prop my head on my joined hands, “Let me see, you left me, you never called, you went as far as to leave your phone in the tent, oh and let’s not forget that you left before I even woke up. All that points to never wanting to see me again in my book.”
He closes his eyes and I watch as his chest deflates, “I thought a clean break would be easier, for both of us, that’s why I left the phone.”
I raise an expectant brow, “And leaving before I woke up?” I’ve decided it’s long past time I got answers, and if he’s going to be around for a little while I’d rather get it all out of the way so I can let it all go like water under a bridge.
He grimaces, “I didn’t mean to. I mean, I wasn’t planning to leave without waking you. But I laid there for a full hour watching you sleep, trying to think of how to say goodbye. And I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words. So, I kissed your forehead, whispered in your ear that I loved you, and left.”
My heart has been a splintered mess since that morning, and his confession somehow helps it heal a little. While I’m absorbing everything he just said he speaks up again, “Did you like your gift?”
Ah yes, my gift, when I saw it sitting on the pillow Hux had used the night before, I knew he wasn’t coming back to say his proper goodbyes. I wanted to throw it in the bin, but I couldn’t do it. It virtually had his name written all over it. And I have cherished it ever since.
“I loved it,” I say hoping he doesn’t hear the lump forming in my throat.
He smiles, “I’m glad. I always wondered.”
“Well, now you know. Nice colour choice by the way.” I grin knowing exactly why he chose it.
His eyes light up, “I knew you would. That camera was my favourite things about both of us. My love of photography and your mint green lacy panties.” He’s full on grinning now, and I can see heat slowly filling his eyes.
“Don’t say it,” I warn.
He feigns innocence, “What?”
“I know what you’re thinking, stop.”
His grin is downright sinful, “Well, do you?”
I hang my head, and shake it, it’s impossible to look at him when he has that look on his face. Then I mumble, “No, it’s been five years, Hux, I’ve had to replace them like three times,” I confess.
When I lift my eyes, his are shining, “So what you’re saying is you technically do still have them?”
Sighing, I nod, “Yeah, kinda. But for the record they were my favourite too so that’s why I replaced them. Not because of you.”
“Sure they were.” He’s grinning, and I want to wipe that smug expression off his face. But I can’t come up with anything right now.
Thankfully, I’m saved from having to continue that particular conversation by the waitress bringing over our breakfasts. “Thanks, Sharni,” I tell her.
She smiles at me briefly before turning her attention to Hux, “So good to see you again Mr. Hadley. I was wondering, if you wouldn’t mind, would you take me through your exhibit later today? I’d love to hear your thoughts on some of the different pieces.”
I can feel my eye beginning to twitch, “Mr. Hadley is a bit busy right now, Sharni. If you don’t mind, we were just in the middle of something.”
Hux is smiling at me and I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment. Damnit, why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut and let the girl flirt with him.
Because she was doing it right in front of me, that’s why. What a daft cow, she could clearly see we were in the middle of a conversation.
Then I remind myself that he’s not mine anymore, and I need to let this weird jealousy thing go.
To say I’m happy about El getting jealous of the server who delivered our breakfast is an understatement of massive proportions. It means she still feels some kind of claim to me. And that
means I have a chance of winning her over.
And maybe sooner than I had expected.
I just have to figure out what’s going on with the boyfriend. As much as I don’t want to change the topic of our conversation, I feel kinda shitty talking about her underwear when she’s in a relationship with another guy. I know I wouldn’t be okay with it if I was him, so, I reluctantly redirect our conversation.
“So, where’d you meet the boyfriend?” I ask, going straight in for the kill.
She frowns, it’s brief, but I catch it, “Oh, Ben and I go way back,” she says with one of her fake smiles plastered on her face.
I decide to roll with it for a little while, although I’m 99% sure she’s lying through her teeth right now. “What’s he do?”
“Fireman,” and this time she’s telling the truth.
I nod, “Cool, I’ve got a lot of respect for guys that put their life on the line for others like that. How long have you been together?”
And the fake smile reappears, “Uh, a while,” she says, while shifting her gaze out the window we’re sitting by.
I’m done with this little game, it’s not as entertaining as I thought it would be. I heave a heavy sigh, “Did you forget I can read you like a book?”
Her eyes dart back to mine, then her shoulders drop, “You suck.”
I chuckle, “I don’t actually, it’s not my style,” I say with a shrug.
She rolls her eyes, “Ha-ha. You’ve still got the same sense of humour,” then she sighs softly, “What gave me away?”
“The little frown that flashed across your face when I asked where you guys met hinted that you were lying, but the fake smile is what really gave you away. So, what’s the go with you two then?”
Pushing her almost clear plate away from her, she rests her elbows on the edge of the table in front of her, “He’s my brother.”
I frown, “Why’d you let me think he was your boyfriend?”
She licks her lips and shifts her eyes off my face, and back out the window, “I don’t know, maybe I thought you’d keep your distance if you thought I was with someone?” she shrugs, still not making eye contact with me.
A weight settles in the pit of my stomach, “Is that what you want? For me to stay away?” If she tells me to go I will, but god I hope she doesn’t. She’s still looking out the window, gnawing on that plump bottom lip, and I can’t take her silence any longer.
I reach across the table and wrap my hands around her wrists that are still resting on the table, “El, if it’s what you want, I’ll stay away, I’ll do what I need to do here and you won’t even see me while I’m doing it. Then I’ll go.”
She’s still looking out that damn window, and I plead, “Look at me, El, please.” When she finally turns her eyes to mine, they’re brimming with unshed tears, “If it’s what you want, that’s what I’ll do. But I’m telling you now, it’s not what I want.”
One single tear slides down over the apple of her cheek, “I don’t want that. But I’m scared, Hux. You left me once, you’ll leave me again.”
Bile rises in my throat at the pain in her voice, the pain that’s there because of me. And I don’t know what to say, I search my mind for the right words, “Let me prove it to you, you don’t have to trust me right away, you have no reason to. I took the coward’s way out before, and I’m so sorry, El. But I’ll spend as long as it takes making it up to you.”
I slide my hands along her forearms until I’m entwining my fingers with hers, “What do you say, El, will you give me a chance to win you back?” My heart is in my throat waiting for her answer.
She sniffles, “I’m your past, Hux, and you’ve got an amazing future ahead of you,” she shakes her head slightly and her hair tumbles over one of her delicate shoulders, then she pulls her hands away from mine, “You need to move forward, and so do I. I can’t keep living in the past.”
Then she stands up from the table, pulls in a deep breath and says, “I’m sorry, but you broke me once, I can’t let you do it again. I have to protect myself.” Then she walks away. Leaving me shattered and alone.
Always fucking alone.
I’m walking away from him and it should feel liberating, shouldn’t it? I’ve just closed the door on a past that has haunted me for the last five years, I should feel validated, relieved even, but I don’t.
Each step I take that leads me further away from him hurts more than the last. Why does it hurt so bad? I don’t understand. I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I? I’m doing what I should have done all those years ago, when he warned me he’d only hurt me. I’m putting the distance between us now that I didn’t then.
When I reach the threshold of the restaurant, I turn back to see him, and he’s sitting hunched over the table with his hands fisted in his still messy hair. My heart aches. He just opened up to me, and I walked away from him.
I never thought the day would come when I would see him and he would want me back. In fact, I never thought I’d see him ever again, yet here I am, and I’m the one walking away.
The tears I fought so hard to contain in front of him spill over and I make my way to the elevator bank with my head hanging low, letting my hair fall around my face, hiding my tattered emotions I’m wearing like a second skin from onlookers.
When I reach my office, the door is slightly ajar. I push it open and see Grandfather standing by the window. I quickly wipe my tear stained cheeks before he sees, but he catches my reflection in the tinted glass and turns to face me as I’m scrubbing my cheeks.
“Want to talk about it, sweetheart? I’ve got years of experience to call on for advice.”
I step in fully and close the door behind me, I try to smile, but I just can’t muster one up, not even a fake one. I sigh, “Not today, Grandfather, this one’s all kinds of complicated. What are you doing in here anyway? Do you need something?”
He takes a seat on my couch looking out the window, “Come sit with me,” he instructs and I do. “I want you to work with this Hadley fellow, you know what I like, and while I’ve yet to see anything of his that I don’t like, well, I just want you to keep an eye on it for me. Okay?”
Flopping back on the couch I’m too emotionally spent to even try and act like this doesn’t bother me, “Is that completely necessary? You can’t just keep tabs on him yourself?”
He raises a brow, “You’re normally more than happy to take on extra responsibilities. What is it about this that has you balking?” he asks with narrowed eyes.
“I don’t like him,” I say flatly.
Grandfather scoffs, “Since when has that been a problem for you? I’m sure you’ll put him in his place if he steps out of line. You’re the best ball buster I’ve got,” he says with a wink.
While I would normally take that as a complement, I really don’t want to think about Hux, or his balls, in any capacity. I groan, “I don’t think he’ll step out of line, I just don’t enjoy his company. I’d rather not have to work closely with him if I can help it.”
Just when I think he’s about to let me off the hook he says, “So that wasn’t you I saw walking across the lobby last night soaked to the bone? And that wasn’t him having breakfast with you this morning in the restaurant?” he says, raising a speculative brow.
My chest deflates, damn it, “Do you have to see everything?” I grumble.
And he smiles, “This is my hotel, sweetheart, and you are my granddaughter, I take a special interest in both of those things. Now, you can either tell me what is going on, or you can take the task I’m giving you.”
Crossing my arms, I mumble, “I’ll keep an eye on him, okay?”
Grandfather pats my thigh, “Good girl, now, I’ll be going out of town for a few days, I have a mess to clean up in one of the other branches,” he stands up and bends at the waist, placing a kiss on my forehead, “This will be a good thing,” he murmurs then strides out of my office, nodding to himself as he goes, and closes the door behind him.
Well ther
e goes my plan to stay away from Hux.
And for some strange reason, my lips quirk at the thought.
Okay, maybe the reason isn’t so strange, I don’t want to stay away from him. I know that. I’ve never wanted to. Not back then, and not now. But I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if it ends the same way this time.
He asked me to give him a chance, and I said no.
He told me he wanted to make it up to me, and I walked away.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want. My head and my heart are at war. One wants me to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. But the other wants me to run away and protect myself from being hurt again.
I’ve never felt so conflicted. I didn’t even have to think about it when we were younger, I just dove in head first with no reservation. I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything. He made me happy, he showed me how to be myself, for that I’ll forever be grateful. But the hurt, and the pain that followed his departure, I don’t know if it negates all the good having him in my life did in the first place.
The emptiness that I’ve lived with since I walked away from Eliza when I was eighteen settles back into my soul with the absence of her.
For a moment, I had a glimmer of hope, hope that she would forgive me, or at least let me try to make amends. I should never have left her. I know that now. But it’s too little, too late. Hindsight is a bitch.
I’m just walking out of the restaurant when Victor calls my name. I turn around to see him walking towards me from the elevator bay, “I just wanted to talk to you before I leave, son,” he says when he reaches me.
I raise a brow, “You’re going somewhere?”
He heaves a dramatic sigh, “I’m flying out this afternoon, I have a situation in one of the other hotels to take care of. But while I’m away I’d like you to work with my granddaughter. I believe you know her, Eliza.”
My throat goes dry, no fucking way. I stand there blinking at Victor, speechless. Does he know about our past? I’m not sure what to say, so I don’t say anything.