by Sara Schoen
“But when I told my wife what had happened she insisted that you come and live with us. You see, we knew your parents from work and from in town. Your father and I worked together for years, and while we weren't incredibly close, when we heard they couldn't locate your godparents, we wanted to offer you a place to stay even if it’s only for a little while. We know you are eighteen and don't legally need parents, but she has always wanted a daughter, and we have two sons who would happily welcome you into the family. We want to help you land on your feet, and we know you have friends that would let you stay with them, but I wanted to at least offer,” he said with a soft smile on his face while I looked at him in awe.
What was I supposed to say? This man had saved my life, and had pulled my brother from the car as well. While my brother didn't make it, it meant the world to me that he tried. There was no way he could have known that it was my family in that car, even if he was friends with my father. I had heard of him before from my father, and at work parties, but I didn't know who he was. All I knew was that he was trying to help just from that one act of kindness, and while Damon's mom would let me stay I knew it couldn't be forever. He sounded as if he was offering a new family, and a second chance. My father trusted him, and that was enough for me. I couldn't pass up the chance, so I took it.
That was the day I lost my real family, and met my adoptive family.
Chapter 2
I didn't sleep for the remainder of the night. Instead, since I couldn't sleep, I snuck out of the house. I was talented when it came to sneaking in and out of the house to say the least, because if I didn't want to make a sound, I didn't. I was light on my feet after having to learn how to walk on burnt feet for the first year after the crash, and I was agile from years of swimming. Swimming had also gifted me with a thin, but fit body that allowed me to squeeze into tight spots and move quickly and suddenly if I needed to.
I lived on the third floor of the Ricker home in what had at one point been the sun room. They allowed me to stay there instead of in the attic when I explained that after the crash I didn't like to be secluded from everyone, especially not all alone in the dark.
Besides them, only Damon had come to visit me in the hospital. There were times when he would bring someone else with him that I didn't know, but they never really said much to me. They would just look me over and then leave. None of them were familiar to me and despite my questions, Damon never explained who they were or why they were there. He just said that they were friends of his who wanted to check up on me, but I didn't know them so why did they care about me?
I snuck past my adoptive parent's room with ease once I gave their dog a treat to keep him from barking at me. Then with a heavy sigh, I made my way toward the stairs. I knew that the third, seventh and twelfth step creaked if you hit them near the center, so I made sure to avoid them as I made my way to the back door. All I could wish for was that there was an easier way out of the house, that way I wouldn't have to be so careful every time I left, but unfortunately that wasn't an option. There was a balcony in my room, but my feet had been permanently weakened because of the burns. If I jumped from anything higher than a few feet I would feel as if I had started walking on metal spikes. I would double over in pain, while waiting for my feet to desensitize from the fall.
There was a large smile plastered on my face as I got to the door. I had made it flawlessly through the house and was close to being outside, but when I tried to open it I realized that Mr. Ricker had put a lock on the outside of the door to keep me locked in. He must have found out that I was sneaking out because I had been doing it a lot lately, and anything could have tipped him off if he got up before I got back. I know he did it to keep me safe, but sometimes I needed to be on my own. It was the anniversary of the crash, and they feared for my life as this tragic day neared because of my past suicide attempt. Almost a full year ago I tried to take my life. I was leaving the house more often and they thought I was with friends, but I was really at the graveyard with my family, confessing what I was about to do and begging for forgiveness.
I had been in such a dark place after the crash and at one point had decided it would be better for me to end my life. It was the only way I saw the pain ending. Only a few people even knew about the failed attempt, but since then I was watched like a hawk. Now, Mr. Ricker was trying to keep me inside at night in case those dark thoughts returned, but there was something he didn't know. Well, there were two things actually. The first being that I had moved past the suicidal thoughts, and the second being that I knew how to pick a lock.
I walked quickly and quietly to the office on the first level, I grabbed a paper clip, and then pulled a bobby pin from my umber hair, letting a few stray dirty blonde strands fall into my face. I glanced at the lock with a smirk as I slipped the bobby pin and paper clip inside. I used the paper clip to keep the bobby pin up and to make the effect that the full key was in the lock. I raked the bobby pin back and forth until I heard the small pop that signified that the door was now unlocked. My smile grew as I slipped the bobby pin out of the lock and back into my hair, and tucked the paper clip into my pocket before opening the door.
“Better luck next time, James,” I said to myself as I exited the house and shut the door quietly behind me. Before I left I slid the lock back into place from the other side of the door so that he wouldn't suspect anything if he woke up earlier than normal. After the lock was in place, I was finally able to focus on the brisk morning air that surrounded me as I walked toward the only place where I felt close to my birth family anymore.
After the accident, when Mr. Ricker had brought me to his home I was relieved by how close we had lived to him and his family. It was about fifteen minutes away from my old house and an hour from the crash site, so relatively I was always close to them, but not how I wanted to be.
We had been on our way home the night they died. It was wet and raining, and the result ended up with four people dead; it was enough to drive anyone to consider suicide. In memory of my family, my town had erected a monument as their tomb about a ten minute walking distance from the Ricker home in a cemetery that hadn't been used in years. Each one of my family members was cremated and placed in their spot on the pinnacle. There lay my sister, my brother, and my parents. There were only two empty graves left; one for me, and one for my future husband; that is, if I ever found one.
The inscription on the tomb was simple:
Lost, but never forgotten. A survivor continues to live as each life comes to a close, and they are the ones who carry those closest to them in their hearts forever.
I let my fingers trace over the words that were etched into the stone. There were so many things that could have happened differently that day. We could have left in the morning instead of at night, one of my parents could have driven, or I could have had better sleep the night before and not have fallen asleep behind the wheel. All of those small changes could have easily influenced the outcome of the day, and maybe we would not have been in a car accident at all. I felt a frown form on my face as I thought about all of those scenarios, and started to believe that even the smallest thing could have changed what happened that day. I was about to say something to my family when I suddenly felt as if I was being watched. My body tensed as I turned around to see Alex coming up behind me.
“How did I know you'd be here?” he asked rhetorically as he took a few steps closer to where I was kneeling down in the grass.
“How did you sneak up on me?” I questioned, looking at the loose gravel on the ground at his feet. I should have heard the crunch of the rocks as he had stepped on them, but I had heard nothing. I should have known much sooner that he was approaching, not when he was right behind me.
“You zone out when you think about them, and that night,” he answered as he rested his hand on the monument and then looked at me. “I also followed you. I knew you weren't okay since the anniversary is today. I just wanted to make sure you didn't try anything permanent this time,�
� he said in reference to my suicide attempt.
“No, I don't plan on trying again.” After glancing at the way I crossed my arms over my chest in defense, he gave me a pleased nod and sat down next to me. “What are you doing?” I asked as I watched him get comfortable on the ground and lay back in the cool grass.
Alex shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “I'm already here, why would I go back to the house now? Plus, you need me, I'm your back-up for getting past dad. He will be up in twenty minutes looking for you and he wouldn't be pleased to know that you're out here by yourself.”
“Whatever,” I huffed in response to his statement. I knew that everything he said was true, but I wasn't willing to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that he was right. So instead, I just leaned backwards until my butt pressed into the damp grass, and glanced around the empty cemetery. It was still early in the morning and there was a light fog as the sun started to peek through the trees, filling me with a sense of peace. I relaxed slightly until my gaze caught the sight of a figure standing in the distance. He wasn't looking at a gravestone, or bowing his head in grief, instead he had his eyes locked on Alex and me, and I didn't know why.
“What are you looking at?” Alex asked, breaking my concentration. I glanced back at him before looking back at the man, but he was no longer there.
“Nothing,” I answered curtly as my eyes continued to scan the field for the man, but I couldn't find him. It was as if he had disappeared into thin air. Giving up, I leaned back in the grass and let my body soak up the light from the newly risen sun. Today was going to be hard; it always was as it got closer and closer to the anniversary, but this year felt like it was going to be harder.
“By the way, you left your phone at home. Damon was asking if you were okay and Mark was asking if he could talk to you today. Don't worry, I didn't respond,” Alex clarified as he handed the phone to me so that I could look at the messages.
“Thanks. Why does Mark want to talk to me?” I wondered aloud, without really expecting a response, but Alex was never one to leave a question unanswered.
“Maybe he's getting Charlotte a gift and needs your help,” Alex suggested with a shoulder shrug. Charlotte was my best friend, and she and Mark had been dating for almost two years now. It was close to how long my ex-boyfriend, Drake, and I had been going out for, but he broke up with me after my suicide attempt and I didn't see him too often anymore. I was told it was for the best, but I was never really sure. It just made me feel more alone than before; he abandoned me when I needed him most.
There was no one who really saw how damaged I was after my family passed away, so no one really understood why I tried to take my life. The guilt was too much to bear and I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like I killed my family and that I was alone in the world, even though I wasn't. I had a new family, and my friends always checked in on me, but I was alone with them because a shroud of guilt and loss separated me from them. I learned who my real friends were after the attempt though. My boyfriend and some friends left, but others stayed and helped me through everything, but at times I still felt like I had nothing left to live for, and that's what made things hard.
“Sara, why did you do it?” Alex asked in a sullen tone. It was as if he was reading my thoughts and knew I had been thinking about what happened after the attempt. I tried never to think about the actual event, but Alex deserved an explanation because he and I had grown close since the Rickers took me in, and he was the one that saved me after I cut open my arm. He was the older of the two boys; the other one was just starting middle school so they didn't hang out very often. Thanks to our closeness in age, and similar personalities, Alex and I became fast friends. It was as if we could read each other’s minds because we knew each other so well. Right now, I wished that he didn't.
“I had nothing left to live for,” I said honestly. “I had you guys, but I was a stranger in your home. You didn't know me and just thought I was upset, but it was deeper than that. There was nothing that brought me out of the darkness. I could enjoy our time together and be with friends, but the whole time I couldn't get past the guilt. It was my one way out, no matter if people believe it was a selfish act or not. It was what I wanted, at least I thought I did.” My words seemed to crush him. His face fell and for a while we were silent. I could tell that he was thinking of how to answer, but it was going to take time so that he could find a polite way to approach me about his thoughts. I waited patiently as we watched the sun rise for what felt like hours in total silence until he spoke up again.
“Would you rather change your life or end it?”
I didn't hesitate with my answer. “Change it, but I don't see a way to do that,” I said as I caught a glimpse of the man again, now crouched down by one of the tombstones near us. I looked at him and saw his jade eyes pierce into mine. He had heard my wish to change my life, and little did I know just how much he would change it.
Chapter 3
Alex managed to talk me out of trouble for sneaking out of the house during the night when we got back home. Mr. Ricker wasn't pleased with the fact that I had left or that I knew how to pick the lock in order to escape. I didn't say anything, in fear of making it worse, but I could have just taken the key if I needed it. He seemed to forget that I had a proclivity for taking things out of people's hands and pockets without them realizing it. I let it slide since I was getting off scot-free because Mr. Ricker realized he didn't really have enough time to yell at me properly if he wanted get to work on time and give Alex enough time to take his brother, Seth, and myself to school.
We went our separate ways to prepare for our days, after he gave me a stern warning about not sneaking out again, and it was unfortunately time for me to go to school. I was going to finish up my senior year, for the second time. I had made it half way through last year before my suicide attempt, but after I had to be taken out of school and now had to repeat the grade. I could only hope to make it through this year, then hopefully figure out what to do for the rest of my life by going to college, but I didn't see that happening anytime soon.
Once I was upstairs, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a Pop Tart and a bottle of water for breakfast before racing to my room to make myself look presentable for the day. I changed into jeans and a blue racer back tank top just in time before Alex called to tell me it was time to go. The clock on my bedside table told me, in big bold numbers, that we were going to be late for school again if I didn't hurry up. I raked a brush through my hair before forcing it into a ponytail. I slipped my feet into my torn-up black Converses that I wore every day, and grabbed my backpack from my bedroom floor when Mrs. Ricker's voice called up to tell me we were going to be late again.
I raced down the stairs, almost tripping over myself a few times, and met Seth, Alex, and their mother at the door. We were each given a hug and a lunch as she pushed us out the door to be on time for school, but before I could walk out to get to the car, I was pulled back to talk by Mrs. Ricker. She had waited until the boys had left and were out of earshot to start speaking, so I knew it wasn't going to be a comfortable conversation.
“Be safe this week please, Sara,” Mrs. Ricker pleaded as she held my hand tightly.
“I will be. I promise,” I said quickly as I pulled out of her hold and left with my brothers. Seth had been buckled into the back seat and Alex was waiting impatiently behind the wheel when I slid in and let my bag fall to the floor in front of me. When we pulled out of the driveway I noticed her forced smile, and all I could do was offer a thumbs up to let her know I would be okay.
Alex had to drop of Seth first since he had to get to Garfield Middle School early today, he had a science fair project to set up or something, then we would continue on toward our high school which was only a short drive from his. Which was fortunate for us because the clock kept ticking and if we were late again we had a meeting with the principal waiting for us to discuss our priorities. It wasn't something I was looking forward to if it happened, but I'm
sure she was.
Principal Burnfield loved to make school awful to attend. She was strict when she first came in my sophomore year, and she was still the exact same four years later. Maybe she treated me differently because I was a second year senior, either way I missed our last principal. Cragan was relaxed and understood that if someone was throwing punches at us we were going to do what we had to, especially since if you didn't throw a punch you were getting suspended anyway. I hope she's gone by the time Seth gets to our school, but I highly doubt it since principals stay a while.
“Bye, Seth!” Alex called, as Seth popped open the door.
“Have a good day,” he answered, before shutting the door and racing into the school.
I wish school was that exciting for me. Maybe then we wouldn't be late all the time, I mused as we pulled toward the street to turn and head to school. I heard my phone start to ring before I felt it vibrate against the fabric of my jeans. I slid the small, out-of-date, sliding phone out of my pants pocket in time to see a blocked number pop up on my screen before it hung up and my screen went black.
“Who was that?” Alex asked curiously as we finally got a break from the stream of cars and pulled back out onto the main road.
He had checked left and right twice before turning on to the main road, and even checked again as we were pulling into the main lane since people around here drove like maniacs. I smiled at his cautious driving to make me feel more comfortable in the car. Ever since the accident I had been uncomfortable in cars and at times driven to tears from flashbacks and memories of the crash. It was hard to be in any car after it happened, it took very careful driving to make me feel comfortable for a five minute drive to school.
I slid open my phone and glanced at the missed phone call. Blocked numbers always made me nervous ever since some kids decided it would be funny to call me and pretend to be my dead family members. They were rude and crass about everything they said; it was hurtful and ever since then I refused to answer blocked numbers. Even had my number changed more than enough times to lose most of my friend’s numbers and interest in texting or calling me.