Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  “Is it us?”

  Dane shook her head. “Isn’t it always?” She grinned.

  Samiyah smiled. “We’ll definitely be the thing to kill you.”

  Dane snickered. Nah, I got that handled myself. The orchestra piled back in and Dane dialed it back. It wasn’t them. It was her and how she treated Nicole. She had to do something to make up for that.

  At lunch, she was on her way to make up for things. There was a jewelry store not too far from the theater. It was a good place.

  “Hello, ma’am. I didn’t expect to see you back,” the salesman said from behind the counter.

  “Yeah, well, I need to make an apology.” Dane needed to do something before Nicole slipped through her fingers.

  “Nothing says sorry like a tennis bracelet.” He motioned to the display.

  Dane moved to see. Should she get Nicole another bracelet? Her eyes drifted to the necklaces. They were beautiful, like Nicole. They were also expensive, but she had the money now and a diamond heart would look good around Nicole’s neck.

  “Save this one for me,” Dane said, pointing down to the necklace.

  “You sure? It is a lovely piece, but we have better.”

  Dane grinned. “You already milked me once. I can’t let you keep fleecing me.”

  He gave her a light laugh and a nod. Dane felt like a load dropped off her back. This had to work. Now, she needed to get the orchestra right, which meant she also needed to get herself right. She needed to finish the score.

  ***

  The night was easier for Nicole and Danny, mostly because Nicole went to the library before they really had to interact with each other. She knew she was hiding, but she’d rather that than something else happen between them. Haydn joined her again, occupying himself by pushing her chair. Time to take the wheels off this thing. She pulled herself back to the desk for the umpteenth time.

  “Hey, Nick, you busy?” Danny asked from the doorway.

  Nicole looked at Danny. It was obvious she was busy, but she supposed it was nice Danny asked. It was nice Danny understood things still were a little strained between them.

  “What’s up?” Nicole replied.

  “Can we talk?” Danny stepped into the room and ran her hand through her hair. She shifted from foot to foot.

  “Of course.” It was hard to be upset with Danny being so adorable in her uncertainty.

  “I know I messed up hard. Saying I’m sorry can’t be enough. I didn’t mean to throw the money at you. I’m just happy I can pay for things, buy you things. That’s important to me.”

  Nicole frowned. “I don’t understand why, especially since you put so much money into our joint account. You haven’t spent that the same. You haven’t shoved it into my face.”

  “Because it’s not mine.” Danny let loose an uncomfortable laugh. “That’s blood money, but this is earned and I want to shower you with it.”

  “You know I don’t need that. I just need you to do what you’ve always done.”

  Danny’s jaw flexed. “I can do more now.”

  “I don’t need more. I just need you.”

  Danny nodded. “Well, what about this?” She went into the pocket of her pajama shorts and held up a necklace.

  Nicole’s eyes widened. “Danny, you got me a diamond necklace?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Danny,” Nicole sighed. She doesn’t know the value of money. Stay calm. “It’s beautiful, Danny.” It was beautiful, but that was to be expected. It probably cost an entire paycheck.

  Danny smiled and squared her shoulders. Oh, no. She was proud. Nicole tried to plot out how she could put things without popping Danny’s balloon.

  “Here, lemme put it on you.” Danny came over to her. Haydn whined as he moved out of her way. Nicole stayed still as Danny put the necklace on her.

  Nicole cupped Danny’s face while she was down on Nicole’s level. “Sweetheart, the necklace is lovely, but you have to be more careful with your money. I’m flattered you want to spend it on me, but you should save.”

  “I know. I’ve saved before. But, I like spending money on you. There’s that.” Danny stepped back and looked at Nicole. “It looks perfect on you.”

  “Thank you, but again, please, save your money.” It didn’t help that Nicole might change jobs after school. No way working in a lab would pay the same as being a lawyer. While they could live comfortably, they still needed to be smart.

  And Danny’s smile was gone. “Look, I know how to save money. I did it while I was high out of my mind. I’ve got a savings account and everything. Not a complete idiot.”

  “I never said you were.” Okay, this was about to devolve into exactly what she didn’t want it to.

  “Then, can you just accept the gift and my apology?”

  Nicole cocked an eyebrow. “Or else what? You’ll throw more money at me or shrug me off when I try to help you out?”

  Danny pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a hissing breath. “Angel, I didn’t mean to do that. I’m just trying to keep my head above water here.”

  “I understand that.” Nicole took Danny’s hand. “I know this is hard. I’m just asking you show me some respect rather than trying to literally and figurative throw money at me. An apology from the heart is as good as a necklace. Talking to me is even better.”

  Danny’s free hand went through her hair, and she sniffled. “Angel, I don’t know how to do this.”

  The quiver in her voice rippled through Nicole. She hugged Danny. “Yes, you do. We’ve been doing it for a long time now. You’re just stressed. It happens.” With luck, it wouldn’t happen again, and this was the hardest thing they’d have to deal with for a while.

  Danny buried her face in Nicole’s neck. “I’m really sorry, Nick. I love you, and I didn’t mean to be an asshole.”

  “I know.” Nicole would take this all as a bump in the road for them, not a sign. Danny got derailed by pressure. She wasn’t going to turn into the lovers Nicole had who didn’t respect her. Danny still did way too much for her to turn into that person. “Let’s go to bed.” It was the best thing she could think to say to let Danny know it was all right.

  Danny nodded, and they called it a night. Settling into bed, Danny didn’t let go of her, which was fine, but Danny started kissing her and Nicole wasn’t sure she was in the mood. For a second, she was going to keep going, thinking Danny was in a fragile place and she didn’t want to shatter her, but no. Danny wouldn’t feel better if she found out Nicole slept with her to avoid her feeling rejected. And Nicole wouldn’t feel any better either.

  Nicole pulled away. “Not tonight, love. I really want to go to sleep.” They could start fresh tomorrow, like a redo.

  Danny’s face, covered in shadows, twitched. She licked her lips and nodded. “Oh. Okay.”

  “School and work are doing me in.” Not to mention their little tiff. She was spent, physically and emotionally.

  Danny nodded again. “I get it. I’m all tied up, too. Dunno what I was thinking.”

  “Let’s go to sleep. We can rest up and then spend the whole weekend together.” Oh, my god, did I just try to write sex into our schedule? That didn’t mean anything, right?

  “Yeah. Cool.”

  They rested on their sides with Danny spooning Nicole. She could feel Danny breathing against her and she could tell Danny wasn’t asleep. The tension remained, like a brick wall between them, even when they pressed together. Nicole held onto Danny’s hand, giving it a soft squeeze. They were both stressed. They’d work through it. She hoped. No, we will. I need to stop second guessing everything. I’m over that. Danny’s not like my exes, and we’ll be fine.

  Chapter Thirteen

  DANE BARELY NOTICED THE orchestra leave for the night as she studied her notes, scowling at the paper. In the gripping, cold silence, she noted the room had a stale smell, even though they used it every day. The stillness made the place seem like a tomb. Her tomb. It wasn’t the best environment to write musi
c in, but her mind did worse things in other places.

  She had tried to do her improvements at home, but inspiration escaped her in even the warmest of spaces. Mostly because when she was home, she liked spending time with Nicole, even though things were bumpy between them. Still, she’d rather be with Nicole than without, regardless of the circumstances. When it was just her home, the silence was oppressive. Lately, she simply fell asleep if Nicole wasn’t there. She used sleep to escape the pressing quiet and the spreading emptiness. But, it didn’t help, not now and not years ago. Haydn wasn’t even enough to keep her up beyond taking him for a walk.

  How the hell can I still be the same if things are different? She didn’t have an answer for that, but it buzzed in her mind like wasps. She had a job, made real money, and contributed to the household. That was better. Right, which is why you can’t do your job at home, right?

  Fixing her music at home hadn’t been going well. She wasn’t sure why. After all, it was easy to destroy quiet with music, but she couldn’t muster up a single note to do it. Maybe because her guitar still bothered her and Haydn begged for attention she couldn’t give since she was supposed to be writing. Maybe it was the questions floating through her mind, questions she couldn’t answer. She hoped staying after would work better. Nicole had class and Jody texted her that she didn’t mind staying with Haydn for a couple more hours.

  Dane picked up a guitar from the corner and started to play. The guitar sounded like crap as expected, but she played anyway. She adjusted the worn instrument and strummed a classical tune. Still, she couldn’t get the sound right.

  Her mind drifted back to Nicole. How dare Nicole assume she didn’t know how to save money? She wasn’t an idiot, and she wanted to do something nice for her beloved. Then she got punished for it. Why doesn’t she want me doing nice things for her? Probably the same reason Nicole didn’t want to sleep with her.

  “I’m never going to finish this song.” Dane sighed, dipping her head. She resisted the urge to fling the guitar away in disgust. It’s not the guitar’s fault. It’s all me. She was distracted and fed up.

  “It sounds fine,” Samiyah said from the doorway.

  Dane’s head shot up in that direction. “I’m going to have to put a bell on you. What are you doing here?”

  “I left my bag behind. It’s funny. I always remember my violin, but my bag…I don’t even keep important stuff in it because I know I’m going to leave it everywhere,” Samiyah replied with a shrug. “Anyway, what you were playing sounds fine.”

  “Can’t settle for fine.” Every note needed to go above and beyond. Not just because she wanted to rub it in Andrew’s stupid face, but also because her music had to touch people. If it didn’t, she failed. She couldn’t fail music. She couldn’t fail Nicole, who helped get her to this point. She needed to make the most of this.

  Samiyah stepped closer into the room and her presence seemed to illuminate everything. Somehow, the room got lighter. Her perfume, something flowery and elegant, chased away that flat clinging fragrance. The air seemed less dense and pulverizing.

  “Why can’t you settle for fine? Not everything you do is going to be amazing.”

  Dane shook her head. “It needs to be.” Even she could hear the grit and determination in her voice, bouncing off the cracked walls. It strummed in her body and fortified her a little more.

  “Maybe you need to hear it on a different instrument,” Samiyah said, but she sounded a little hesitant, like she meant something else. Dane could guess what the sentence was supposed to be.

  Dane flexed her left hand. “Or maybe a different hand.”

  Samiyah gave a short nod. “It’s a little stiff. When you played before, it looked like you wanted to go faster than it could.”

  “Good eye or ear, whichever you caught it with.”

  “Both.” Samiyah smirked.

  Dane blew out a breath. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever actually get used to it like this. It’s been a good while.” Three years and she still couldn’t accept it. Her left hand wouldn’t be able to do the things her mind wanted ever again.

  “What happened?” Samiyah‘s hazel eyes went wide, and she waved the question off. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

  Dane shook her head. “An old injury.” Something she felt she should be over, but doubted she ever would be with the eternal reminder that was her left hand. I don’t regret it.

  Samiyah’s perfectly curved eyebrows curled up a little. “It bothers you?”

  “Not as much as it used to.” Sure, she’d never be able to play like she used to, but as Dane often reminded herself the broken bones eventually led her to Nicole. If she had it all to do over again, she’d do it. Music would’ve probably killed her eventually, anyway. Nicole made her live.

  Samiyah tilted her head to the side a little, curling hair swaying with her. “Do you want help?”

  Taking a breath, Dane figured help might be the best way to get through work. “Can you play this?” She handed Samiyah her song pad.

  Samiyah examined the paper and nodded. She unpacked her violin case and began playing. Dane focused on the sound. She tried to imagine what she wanted to use to fill the deafening abyss overpowering the whole piece. Listening, she thought maybe the piano should come in…and then it hit her.

  “You and the flute!” Dane slapped her hands together and jumped up.

  “Hmm?” Samiyah said. Her hand stilled and the music faded.

  “I’ve been trying to cram everyone in the orchestra into this piece, thinking it’d work with the scene, but it should just be you and the flute. I’ll sprinkle in Evie, but it doesn’t have to be everybody.” Dane rubbed her forehead. “That’s been killing me, but it should work.”

  “Don’t you think Pedro and Greg need more parts?”

  Dane nodded. She needed to do more with her horns. She only had them representing the bit players in the play, even with Pedro being the sidekick, and needed to do a song that highlighted them. She could use them to set a scene.

  “I need a trumpet,” Dane grumbled, falling back into her seat. She’d have to make a note of that.

  “You could use me if you have any ideas,” Samiyah said.

  Dane cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to leave? It’s late. I’m sure you have someplace to be.”

  Samiyah shook her head. “No, not really. I was just going to watch TV at home and practice on my violin.”

  “Really?” The news surprised Dane. Samiyah didn’t strike her as a loner. She’d expect to hear quiet Greg was the introvert of their little orchestra.

  “You don’t get as good as I am by hanging out every night.”

  Dane nodded, but that was something she didn’t understand. It wasn’t that she was a slouch when she played her guitar or any other instruments, but she’d done more than her fair share of partying. In fact, she probably could’ve split up her day—partying and playing. Imagine what I could’ve done if I had done less partying and more playing.

  “You okay?” Samiyah asked.

  Dane blinked. “Just thinking I should’ve probably practiced more.”

  Samiyah nodded to the guitar. “It’s never too late.”

  “This is true.” Dane wanted to pick up guitar again. Maybe she’d start bringing it with her. She could play a little, even with them, and continue building on what she already had. It’d help her get used to the new guitar, as well.

  “You want to use me?” Samiyah smirked and held up her violin.

  “Sure, why not? Two goods hands will work better than one and you’ll be able to fill in blanks with me.” Once the orchestra got into it, they had done that with other songs.

  “Of course. And, I know we don’t tell you and we bicker like kids when we’re together, but we all appreciate you including us in the creation process.” Samiyah winked.

  “That’s good to know.” Dane smiled a bit.

  ***

  Nicole found herself needing the library more often. A hug
e research project wouldn’t be accomplished with her home library. There was the university library. First to pick up a book and then to study for a moment, taking notes from a journal she couldn’t remove from the library. A moment became ten minutes, which became twenty minutes, mostly because her notes didn’t support her project. That wasn’t good. When she realized how late it was, she was about to get up and leave, but barely made it away from the table.

  “Hey, you’re in my class, right?” a young man asked. His brow wrinkled, and he squinted, like he was trying to place her face.

  “Yeah,” Nicole answered, her own forehead furrowing. She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but hoped it only took a second. I don’t want Danny to think I’m avoiding her. She needed to get home.

  He gave her a somewhat sheepish grin as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you have a partner for the lab project yet? I came in late and missed it.”

  Oh, yeah, because that’s what everyone wants, a lab partner who can’t be bothered to show up on time. Fortunately, she had a lab partner already. Of course, considering how everyone should be through the first stages of their projects, everyone should have a partner and experiment already.

  “I’m sorry, I already have a partner,” she said with a small shrug. She made a move to leave.

  He groaned and pulled at his short, sandy brown hair. “Damn it. The one I got assigned is already not working for me and the professors won’t let me do it alone, regardless of how much my partner isn’t pulling his weight.”

  “Sorry to hear that. I need to get going.” She started walking, not wanting to seem like she was fleeing. She wasn’t about to let someone rope her into his class issues. She had a good partner and wasn’t going to problem-solve for someone when she had her own project problems to solve.

  He walked with her. “Oh, no, I get it. I’ve seen you in here a couple of times and thought our schedules would work out.”

  Nicole managed to fight back a groan and stared ahead, not wanting to encourage him by making eye contact. Okay, that’s not creepy. How many times had he seen her in the library? “No, I don’t make it a point to hang around campus once class is over. I just needed books.” She hoped that’d get him to leave her alone. No such luck. Well, she couldn’t go to her car with him at her elbow, and she wasn’t going to walk off into the night with him either. She paused in the well-lit lobby.