“You’ll be all right, Nikki. You’re strong.”
“Sometimes, I don’t feel it.” Hell, right now, she felt like she might collapse if the wind blew too hard.
“Well, more of the obvious, but that’s normal. There are moments like that in life, you know that. And, you’re allowed for that to happen. Not to mention, you have someone there for you when you don’t want to be strong. It’s all right to not be strong all the time, sweetheart. You have someone to lean on when you need it.”
Nicole nodded, even though she wasn’t too sure that was true. She broke Danny from leaning on her. Danny didn’t need to be strong. Danny was allowed that. She couldn’t always expect Danny to hold her up now. She smiled at her mother anyway, if only to make her feel comfortable. There were still cracks in Nicole’s heart, pains of too many mistakes, too much leaning. She was shattered, just as Danny was.
***
Dane ran her hand through her hair as she walked into the theater. Her mind wasn’t ready for work. She wanted to go home and wait for Nicole to come back. Hell, part of her thought maybe she could go up to Nicole’s job. Everything inside of her wanted to make Nicole feel better, but there was a little voice in her head that argued against all of that. Fuck Nicole, the mantra of last night.
Why should Dane be the one to bridge the gap? She cleaned out the damn fridge, after all. Okay, no, she hadn’t done the dishes after cleaning, but she was tired and she wanted to wait up for Nicole. It shouldn’t have started a war. Why the hell do I even bother?
Dane massaged above her eye. Nothing she did measured up, ever. Nicole didn’t want her to do everything and then suddenly wanted her to do everything. She couldn’t keep the orchestra together. She’d been bitching about Andrew, but he made a point that was enough to make her reexamine her whole life. She blew up at Nicole about surprising her at lunch. But, that was Nicole’s fault. Everything was Nicole’s fault.
Nicole needed to know about the consequences of her behavior, needed to understand the trail of corpses in her wake as she forged a new path to who the hell knew where. Maybe you could’ve put it in a better way. And maybe Nicole could’ve appreciated the fact that she waited up for her, even though Nicole avoided her at home. Yeah, maybe that was the mistake.
“No,” Dane mumbled to herself as she stepped by several people. They looked at her, but she barely gave them a glance. They’d figure out she wasn’t talking to them.
Waiting up for Nicole was never a mistake, could never be a mistake. The mistake had been telling Nicole that she was never home after she had encouraged Nicole to go to school. Putting it all on Nicole, that was all types of wrong. Letting Nicole walk away rather than talking to her, that was wrong. That was all wrong, but Nicole was wrong, too. And a major problem was that Nicole never wanted to admit she was wrong or confused or had no idea what was going on. Yeah, so, fuck Nicole. She shook that accursed voice away.
Nicole didn’t want to admit she was drowning just as much as Dane was. Dane didn’t know how to keep her head above water, but she tried to save Nicole and one drowning victim couldn’t save another. I’m not drowning. I’m just…She didn’t have the words to explain it.
Dane wasn’t always on the phone with Samiyah because Samiyah was a crutch. Samiyah was innovative and a welcome help in making the whole score. Why would she need a crutch? She was good with creating music. Once upon a time, she had been a freaking goddess, and not just because she played the guitar like she’d been born with one in her hand. Why the hell would Nicole even think she used Samiyah like that?
Of course, the idea of Samiyah being her crutch was better than Nicole thinking other things of her texting with Samiyah. When Nicole brought it up, her guts bunched up and her throat burned. Dane feared she might have to prove she wasn’t cheating on Nicole. Nicole at least had faith in her being faithful.
“That’s good,” Dane said, not that her soul seemed to think so. It felt like something beyond her body was inflamed, torn.
But, her mind had her back when her soul wanted to back down. Nicole probably thought she had Dane on a tight leash. She could withhold sex and Dane wouldn’t step out. Not that the thought crossed Dane’s mind. That leash is short. Not short enough to keep her from tearing a chunk out of Nicole to the point that she hadn’t said a word beyond their farewell in the car.
“You say something, boss?” The sound of Lennox’s voice made Dane pick her head up.
Dane blinked. When had she gotten into the orchestra cell? Rubbing her forehead, she shook her head. Her mind wasn’t in the game at all, which wasn’t good considering how wrecked her people were yesterday. They needed her to pull them back together. How could she do that while she was in tiny pieces?
“All right. Places everyone,” Dane called her motley crew to order.
“Ryan’s not here yet,” Evie replied.
Dane pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fuck my life. He’s been doing good. Has anyone seen him?”
“By the coffeehouse not too far from here, but that was like a half-hour ago. He said he was coming,” Samiyah answered. “I actually texted you that he wasn’t here.”
Dane grumbled something that could’ve been words as she retrieved her phone. She had been texting with Crow and Terri all morning, ignoring anything else, trying to block out the world, block out Nicole. She wanted validation from them, but wasn’t ready to let them know what happened yet. She was raw and needed them to patch her together, as poor as it might be with minimum information. But, sure enough, there was a text from Samiyah, too. Apparently, Ryan had a wild look in his eye that morning and Samiyah worried about him showing up.
“When you say wild look, you mean feral?” Dane asked. Ryan wasn’t one to do drugs, which was one of the reasons she hired him. She wasn’t sure what would give him a wild look.
Samiyah shook her head. “I mean like wired. He might’ve had more coffee than necessary. He was drinking coffee while waiting for coffee. I think that’s how he’s been getting here on time, drinking coffee to stay awake.”
“Oh, god. How long does it take for someone to crash when it comes to caffeine?” Dane didn’t drink much coffee, and the last thing she needed was for it to ruin her orchestra. At least Ryan wasn’t on drugs.
“Was he still at the coffee shop when you left?” Dougie asked, grabbing his flute from the case.
“I’m not Ryan’s keeper,” Samiyah replied as she put her violin down to close her case.
“No, but you know what kinda guy he is. Why not snag him while you were there?” Lennox said.
“Yeah, get him to walk with you or something,” Evie added.
“Again, I’m not Ryan’s keeper and he said he was getting coffee.”
Evie motioned to Pedro. “Well, neither is Pedro, but he still keeps an eye on the fucker!” Pedro nodded.
Dane drowned their argument out. Scrolling through her contacts, she called Ryan. He answered before the ring was even over. She could already feel in her bones this wouldn’t be fun.
“Dane? Sup?” He spoke too quickly.
“Ryan, we have practice. You coming?”
“Practice? Practice. Shit! Coming.” He hung up.
Dane sighed and massaged her temple. Yeah, this is exactly what I need after this shit with Chem and the orchestra still seems tense as hell. “Ryan, apparently, is whatever happens when you get drunk on coffee.”
“Hyper and I don’t think you get drunk off of coffee,” Evie said.
Dane waved that off. Whenever a drink made a person act differently, the person was drunk to Dane. When Ryan came in, he was tweaked and twitching. Pulling him together took Dane’s mind off her argument with Nicole. She had to spend most of her morning keeping Ryan focused. When he wasn’t playing too fast, he was getting up in the middle of a song or suddenly felt the need to compliment everyone’s playing. He thanked her about a million times in the span of an hour for giving him the gig.
“Yes, Ryan, you’re welcome. Can we get back t
o the song now?” Dane rubbed her eyes.
Sitting up, Ryan let out a sort of squeak. “Oh, yeah!”
“This is why you keep an eye on him,” Evie said through gritted teeth.
Dane was glad he was making sure he was awake on time to get to practice, but he took it too far. Maybe he’s nervous about the show. She’d have to talk to him, but she’d have to do that after lunch. He was gone as soon as she said they could go.
“Can you be addicted to coffee?” Dane wondered aloud.
“Sure can,” Greg replied.
Wow, the things you miss out on when you do actual drugs. “Is Ryan?” Dane asked.
“Probably,” Samiyah answered.
They had a few weeks before opening night. Dane didn’t need Ryan gulping down coffee that day. She also had to do something to help get the orchestra back as a unit. Something to remind them they were in this together before they blew it for all of them. Before that, she had to get some food in her stomach and some advice from her friends. Crow was outside waiting for her and grinned when Dane jumped into her car.
“Terri said she’ll meet us there,” Crow said as she pulled away from the curb.
“Figured,” Dane scowled.
“Oh, you’re in a mood. Of course, I suspected when you texted us.”
Dane felt like she was about to cave in on herself. She had a show coming up in less than a month. Nicole graduated in two. What the hell was going to happen after that? It felt like all she had in her life was problems, questions with no answers, or questions with answers she didn’t like.
Am I scared because of that? Am I scared our relationship won’t make through these changes? Or that they hadn’t made it through changes? Didn’t she already blow them out of the water by saying Nicole ruined her life? Nicole hadn’t ruined it. Nicole had made it better. Nicole gave her music again, gave her life. Music was her everything, but she didn’t need to be the goddess of rock and roll to enjoy it.
“You okay?” Crow asked.
Dane only shrugged. She didn’t know. Before she realized it, they pulled up to the little deli where they agreed to meet Terri. A few people milled about, but Terri was inside already, sitting at one of the small tables. They dropped down next to her, chairs clattering against the linoleum floor.
“I ordered sandwiches for us already,” Terri told them. She had bottled drinks waiting for them as well.
“Good, because I really just want to hear about this.” Crow looked right at Dane. She didn’t even look back when a guy bumped her chair moving to get to a table behind them.
Dane shrugged. “There’s nothing much to hear. I mean, Nick accused me of being scared. She said I’ve been using Samiyah as a crutch.”
Crow rolled her eyes. “We can all agree that was the best thing she could’ve said. She could’ve pulled the emotionally cheating card or the physically cheating card. Either way, the cheating card, which is hard to come back from. Because it means she doesn’t trust you and that’ll make you not trust her.”
Dane grunted. “I’m not cheating.”
“The amount of texting between you two is suspicious, and if Nicole was a little more insecure, she’d be worried about that,” Crow replied, leaning on the table.
Dane scoffed. “Even if I was, it’d be her fault anyway.”
Terri arched eyebrow. “You cheating would be Nicole’s fault?”
“She doesn’t want to have sex anymore. She barely pays any attention to me,” Dane replied.
Crow raised an eyebrow. “She’s going to school and has a big project that requires a lot of her time. Do you really need attention that badly right now?”
Dane scowled, but Crow glared at her. She shifted in her seat. This wasn’t her fault, and she wasn’t being childish for wanting attention from the woman she loved. The woman you love? You said she ruined your life.
“I got barked at for dishes in the sink,” Dane huffed, turning her nose up at her friend, determined to stay on her path of Fuck Nicole.
“Oh, please.” Terri let out a loud breath. “That’s not what you got barked on for. You’re both frustrated over things changing, which is to be expected. You said you guys keep having these little arguments. It’s not the end of the world.” She waved the whole matter off.
“No one said it was,” Dane replied. Okay, I kinda said it was last night and maybe it’s better if it is. She didn’t need this type of stress in her life.
“What’s really bothering you? You said something to Princess, didn’t you? I’m sure she’ll forgive you,” Crow said.
Dane had no doubt about that, even though she had accused Nicole of some horrible things. She doubted they’d agree Nicole ruined her life. They didn’t even feel her pain over the lack of attention. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
“It’s…” Dane rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to figure out what to say. She was given a bit of a reprieve as their orders were called out. Terri rushed over to get them, like she knew Dane would try if only to buy more time.
“It’ll be okay, you know?” Crow had a sparkle in her eye that made her words seem like the absolute truth.
Dane sighed. It’d be some form of okay, sure. But, she felt like she ended it last night, especially with the cold shoulder Nicole gave her this morning. The Arctic had nothing on that, but Nicole still drove her to work. Nicole took care of her, even before they were a couple. What the hell would she do without Nicole? Little by little, whatever held her together popped and pulled. What the fuck would she do without Nicole? Now, she was scared. Wasn’t that the thing that compelled her to try to do everything? Holy shit. Was Nicole actually right? Dane’s been scared this whole time and was holding herself back? It’s starting to sound like it. Why the hell else would I be asking myself all these stupid questions?
“You guys are sickeningly sweet in love. It’ll be okay,” Crow said.
“I’m not so sure,” Dane replied, voice lower than a whisper.
“All right, you were saying?” Terri asked as she eased back into her seat. She pushed a wrapped hero sandwich in front of them. They all quickly opened the white paper, revealing their lunch.
Dane wasn’t sure what her sandwich was. She’d eat it, anyway. For the moment, she didn’t feel like eating, though. Sometimes, food helped. Oh, that’s an idea for later, possibly heal the orchestra through food. She ran her hand through her hair. “Do I ever come across as scared?”
“Scared of what?” Crow asked with a furrowed brow before taking a bit of her sandwich.
“Nicole thinks I’m scared to grow as a musician. Like because I can’t go back to what I used to be, I’ve allowed myself to get stuck here.”
Terri scratched her chin. “Well, I’m not sure since I didn’t know you when you were all goddess’ed out, but I definitely expect more confidence out of you.” She motioned to Dane before taking a huge bite out of her sandwich. Mustard gushed from the side.
Dane’s eyebrows drew in close to the point she wondered if they touched. “What do you mean?” She took a small bite of her sub. Turkey with swiss, mayo, lettuce, and tomato. Any other time, happiness would’ve flooded her the second it hit her mouth, but right now it tasted like bitter ashes. The ashes of defeat.
Terri shrugged. “You talk yourself up, and Crow is never without something to say about your genius. I’ve heard you play. Hell, Crow’s made sure I’ve listened to your CDs and burned me copies of them. I’ve seen how you inspire your little nephews and Nicole’s cousin. But, you can never hang out now because you’re revising things, or you can’t talk to me because you’re texting Samiyah about improvements. You’re constantly wondering why something doesn’t sound just right. This isn’t something a person with confidence does.”
Crow pointed at Terri. “All that. Everything she said. Yeah.” She bit into her sandwich again and smiled as she chewed.
Groaning, Dane leaned forward and let her head hit the table. The wood let out a dull thump and their beverages clattered from the sm
all movement. “Art needs revisions.”
“Yeah, but not all day, every day,” Terri replied.
“I have to make sure it’s perfect,” Dane grumbled. What if her revisions were the things making the orchestra so antsy?
Sucking her teeth, Crow shook her head. “No, the goddess knew when her work was perfect, and she didn’t spend every waking moment changing it. You’ve definitely lost some confidence.”
“Well, the goddess was on drugs.” Dane glanced at her friends, but left her head on the table.
“Yeah, but the goddess also understood she was a goddess and knew when her stuff was how she wanted it. There weren’t a million rewrites,” Crow replied, giving Dane a look with pursed lips and unforgiving eyes.
Dane picked her head up to shoot Crow a heated glower. “Well, can you fucking blame me? All my life music was the one thing I had consistently, and bastards took that away from me.” She flexed her left hand. Bastards.
Scowling, Crow shook her head. “They didn’t take it away. You were never just a guitar player, Dane. You’ve always been more than your instrument. You compose, you write lyrics, you sing along, and play five instruments. You’re like a music unicorn. You’ve stopped believing in yourself.”
Terri gave Crow a deadpan look. “A music unicorn? You’re Goth, and you come up with a music unicorn?”
“I am not my clothes,” Crow replied, and Dane couldn’t help chuckling. Crow was in her usual Goth attire and dark makeup.
“Clearly.” Terri turned her attention to Dane. “You’re scared you won’t measure up to what you used to be. It happens. We’re human.”
“You’re going to be fine,” Crow added. “Maybe you’re nervous because this is the first time you’ve done something like this and the director is a douche. His negativity might be influencing you, but remember, you impressed some guy enough to hire you.”
Dane scoffed. “He knows Christine.” Her future rode on a guy who knew Christine, and she ruined things with Nicole. How the hell had she hit a new low in life after what happened with Bryan? She was beyond drowning, whatever that state of existence was.
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