“Well . . .”
“Hey, I’ll make it easy. You don’t even have to sign up. Just step inside the tent,” he pushed open the tent flap, “and we’ll start your training.” He flashed his broad toothy smile.
“Well, I have a question.”
His eyes drifted. “Great, we love questions.”
“What’s an anaconda?”
Chapter Thirteen: Going to College
Slick, the dog at the carnival, thought about my question. “An anaconda? Why, it’s a kind of snake, a South American snake.”
“Big?”
“Oh yes, they’re big.”
“Do they eat dogs?”
His smile wilted. “Now, why would you ask a question like that?”
“The banner in front of the tent. It says, ‘Dog-eating Anaconda.’”
“Oh that! Ha ha! No, no, no, no. It’s just an act, part of the show. We’ve got this dog, see, and he swallows snakes.”
“Swallows snakes? That’s yucky.”
“I know, but we all have to make a living, right? This guy swallows snakes. Would I do it? No. Would you do it? No. But there you go. It takes all kinds, kid.”
“Yeah, but . . .”
“Oh, wait, I get it now. You thought . . . ha ha ha . . . you thought the snake swallows dogs?”
“Well, it says, ‘Dog-eating Anaconda.’”
“Ha ha ha! Kid, kid! You got everything backward. What it says, if I may paraphrase, what it says is, ‘The dog eats the anaconda.’ In other words, dog swallows snake, so we have dog eating anaconda. Get it?”
“No fooling? But the snake looks huge. How could a dog swallow such a big snake?”
“Well, uh, he’s a big dog. I mean, what did you think, a little dog could swallow a big snake? No way. He’s the biggest dog you ever saw, believe me.”
“Boy, one little hyphen makes a big difference, doesn’t it?”
“What hyphen are we talking about?
“The one between ‘dog’ and ‘eating.’ It’s kind of confusing.”
“You know, it is, and I’m glad you pointed that out. What a smart kid! So, what do you think? Are you ready to start your training?”
“Well, I guess so, if you’re sure it’s safe.”
He glanced up at the clouds. “Safe? Rover, I’ve never felt safer in my whole life.”
“It’s Drover, with a D.”
“Sure it is. Come on in, kid.”
Wow. I couldn’t believe my good luck! They were going to start my training right away. I went inside the tent, and Slick closed the flap and all at once it was kind of dark in there. Slick told me to sit down and he marched back and forth in front of me.
“Okay, kid, here’s your first lesson. Think handsome prince. You’re so handsome and so princely, you gotta act completely different, see what I mean? Normal behavior goes out the window, pow. You hold your nose high in the air, like this.” He elevated his nose to a snooty angle. “And you don’t even open your eyes.”
“Gosh, how come?”
“Well, a handsome prince is important, right? Is he going to waste his time looking at the lowly masses? No, no, no, no. Think handsome prince. Think important. You got that?”
“Well, I guess so.”
“Great. Try it. Nose up, eyes closed, now strut. Prance. Pick up those feet. Not bad. Remember, you’re a very important handsome prince. Looking better. Doing good.”
I pranced and strutted until I ran into a tent pole, and it sure hurt my nose. I opened my eyes and caught Slick trying to hide a laugh. I said, “It’s hard to see when my eyes are closed.”
“Practice. Where do you think handsome princes come from? They don’t just fall off a load of turnips. Try it again.”
I tried it again: snooty nose, snooty walk, snooty everything. It was beginning to feel more natural, and I did a whole lot better this time. Slick even said so. “Oh, this is amazing. Kid, you’re a natural for this, and I’m being sincere.”
“Gosh, thanks.”
“In fact . . .” He struck a thoughtful pose. “You know what? We’ve got a show starting in about five minutes . . . crowd, audience, the whole deal. I’m going to let you walk across the stage, doing Handsome Prince. It’ll be like your graduation. What do you think of that, huh?”
“Well, it’s been my dream.” I swallowed hard. “But I get nervous in front of a crowd.”
“Oh bosh. They’ll love you.” He darted over to me and gave me a pat on the cheek. “Never forget, Rover, everybody loves a handsome prince. Sit down, relax. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
“It’s Drover, with a D.”
“You bet.”
He hurried out and went to the other part of the tent where the crowd was gathering for the show. Boy, what a day. I just wished Mom could be there to see me. Wouldn’t she be proud?
She’d be shocked, too. I don’t think she ever thought I’d amount to much, but here I was, ready to graduate from college.
I sat down and waited for my big moment and listened as the noise of the crowd got louder and louder. I felt a little nervous but I knew that I could do it.
A bird flew into the tent. He swooped around a couple of times and I watched him. Birds are nice. It might be fun to be a bird. I tried flying once. I guess I mentioned that, but you know what? I think it was some kind of joke that Pete played on me, telling me that if I flapped my ears, I could fly. I flapped my ears and almost broke my nose off.
And you know what else? That wasn’t a bird flying around inside the tent. It was a BAT and I even knew the guy. Boris.
He landed on the ground in front of me and said, “You are such a blockhead! I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“How can I be a blockhead? I’m about to graduate from college. Have you ever graduated from college, you ugly little bat? You’re just jealous ’cause you’ll never be a handsome prince.”
He shook his head. “Do you know what this place is?”
“Heck yeah, it’s the Handsome Prince School you couldn’t find.” I heard a roar of laughter from the crowd. “Isn’t it?”
“It’s a carnival. Didn’t your mother ever warn you about carnivals?”
“Sure, but she’s just a mom. What do they know?”
He stepped closer. “Listen, genius, in five minutes they’re going to put you out on that stage. Do you know what’s going to happen then? Huh?”
“Sure. I’ll get my Handsome Prince Diploma.”
“Wrong. You’ll get eaten by a snake that’s bigger than a tree!”
I giggled. “Tee hee hee. Oh that. I’ve already checked it out. See, they’ve got this big dog that swallows snakes. I’ll get my diploma, and he’ll do his show.”
Boris moved right up into my face. “Oh yeah? Bad news. You ARE the show. They’ve set you up to be a hot dog for the biggest snake you ever dreamed of.”
“Yeah, but Slick said . . .”
“March over there and peek out at the stage.”
“Okay, I will, just to prove you’re wrong.” I went over to a flap in the tent, stuck my nose through the crack, and . . . GULP. I went back to Boris. “That can’t be a snake.”
“It’s a snake.”
“No snake is that big.”
“It’s an anaconda, and they eat things like sheep, goats, and meatheads.”
“But Slick seemed like such a nice guy.”
“Oh brother. Do you want to stay for the show and get eaten?”
Just then, we heard a voice. “Rover? Two minutes! Stand by!”
I looked down at my ugly little friend. “Oh, let’s not wait.”
“Well, glory be! Quick, run, follow me!”
He flew out the tent flap and I followed, just as fast as my . . . BAM! Drat the luck, the old leg went out on me. “Help, murder, oh my leg!”
>
Slick’s voice boomed again. “Rover? One minute to show time!”
Boris came swooping back and crash-landed beside me. “Now what!”
“Well, this old leg just quit me, and oh, the pain!”
Boris’s beady little eyes flicked back and forth. “Pain? Okay, buddy, I’ll show you pain.” I couldn’t believe what he did. He opened his jaws as wide as they would go and BIT me on my stub tail! “Now get up and run!”
Boy, that hurt. You wouldn’t think a dinky little bat could cause much pain, but he did. It hurt so much, I almost forgot about the terrible pain in my leg. Anyway, I managed to run and followed Boris away from the carnival and back into town.
You probably think the snake ate me, but he didn’t. Are you glad? I am.
Chapter Fourteen: The Park
We ran down alleys until we came to a park somewhere in the center of town. By then I was out of breath and had to stop and rest. Somehow my bad leg had stayed under me. I crawled under a bush and hid.
Boris still seemed to be in a bad mood. “Well, aren’t you a piece of work.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re a piece of work . . . like a flashlight without batteries. You were one minute away from being snake fodder.”
“Let’s talk about something else.”
“I mean, the guy’s name was Slick and you trusted him anyway!”
“He was friendly.”
“He was a skunk, and not just an ordinary skunk. He was a skunk working in a carnival! I can’t believe you fell for it!”
“He said he would teach me to be a handsome prince.”
“Well, guess what. He was a big fat liar. What are you doing in there?”
“I need a nap. It’s the middle of the night and I’m worn out. You’re not tired?”
He filled his lungs with air. “Not me, brother. Night’s my time. While you sleep, I’ll be out catching bugs.”
“You eat bugs?”
“Of course. What did you think?”
“Well . . . I don’t know. I thought bats drank blood, ’cause you’re all vampires.”
“Vampires!” He smacked his forehead with the tip of his wing. “How much of this can I take? For your information, I eat my weight in bugs every night. For your information, if it wasn’t for bats like me, dogs like you would be crawling with mosquitoes. You like mosquitoes?”
“Not really.”
“Then show some respect, would you?”
“Sorry I mentioned it.”
“I’m going out for dinner. Good-bye!”
“Are you coming back?”
“No. I’ve finished my job. I’m gone.” In the blink of an eye, he was gone and hardly even made a sound. That’s something I had noticed. Bats move through the air like a shadow and never even make a whisper of noise.
Well, I figured that was the last I would see of him and that was too bad, since I hadn’t even thanked him for . . . well, I guess he saved my life. A shiver passed through my whole body as I remembered the snake. He was so huge, he could have eaten me in one gulp and wouldn’t have even needed a toothpick.
I yawned and curled up in a ball, and the next thing I knew, it was broad daylight, noon or even later. I blinked my eyes against the bright sun and glanced around, trying to remember where I was. Oh yeah, the park. Handsome Prince School had turned into a complete bust, I’d almost been eaten by a snake, and I’d spent the night under a bush.
And just as I’d suspected, Boris O’Bat hadn’t come back and that made me feel sad. Even though he’d been ugly and crabby, he’d turned out to be a pretty good friend. My only friend, come to think of it. Rats. My only friend in the whole world had quit on me.
I was about to cry when I looked up and saw something hanging from a branch overhead. It was brown and hanging upside down. Surely it couldn’t be . . . but it was. Boris.
I had a hard time waking him up, had to shake him off the limb, and he woke up just as crabby as he’d been the night before. Or worse. Very crabby.
“Go away, will you!”
“I thought you’d gone back to Austin.”
“I changed my mind.”
“Oh goodie. I’ve got something to tell you.”
He picked himself up and gave me a poisonous glare. “What? And it better be good.”
“I had my heart set on being a handsome prince. Now I’m back to being a chickenhearted little mutt.”
“You woke me up to tell me that?”
“Well, I felt sad and wanted to tell someone.”
“And you picked me.”
“Yeah, ’cause we’re friends . . . I guess.”
He gave his head a quick shake. “Great. Okay, do you want to hear the truth?”
“Is it good truth or bad truth?”
“It’s truth truth.”
“Uh oh, that’s the worst kind.”
“Are you ready to listen?”
“I don’t think so.” I covered my ears with my paws.
He moved closer and raised his voice. “You will never be a handsome prince.”
“I can’t hear you.”
“Yes you can. I’m sorry, but you can’t be a handsome prince because you’re not handsome or princely.”
“You’ve ruined my dream, and I’m going to cry.”
“So cry. Get it out of your system. Wake me up when you’re done.”
I cried for five minutes and woke him up. When he yawned, I saw all those little spiky teeth in his mouth. No wonder my tail had hurt so much.
He said, “Well, did you get all the boo-hoo out of your system?”
“Some of it. I want to go home.”
He rolled his eyes. “You just don’t learn, do you? Your mother doesn’t want you back home.”
“Maybe she’s changed her mind.”
“She hasn’t changed her mind. She wants you to find your own place in the world. That’s what every mother wants for her son.”
“I’m going to cry again.”
“Well, hurry up.”
I cried for another five minutes and dried my eyes. “I guess you saved my life.”
“Barely. You almost messed it up.”
“Did I remember to say thank you?”
“As a matter of fact, no.”
“Well, thanks. That makes us even. But how come you didn’t go back to Austin?”
He heaved a sigh. “How can I go back to Austin and leave you in this condition?”
“What condition?”
“Helpless, hopeless, homeless, brainless, clueless. No job, no ambition. Son, you have to do something with your life!”
“Yeah, everybody keeps saying that, but . . . what?”
That pretty well killed the conversation. I guess he didn’t have any answers either. We sat there for a long time, then Boris lifted his head. “Wait. I’ve got it. A song.”
“What?”
“A song. I just thought of a song for you.”
“Well, I’ll bet it’s pretty boring.”
“Not the way I sing it. Listen to this.”
I couldn’t believe it. This ugly, scrawny little bat burst into song, right there in front of me.
Chapter Fifteen: I Never Knew Bats Could Sing
You Need a Dream
Now, listen to me, doggie, what I’m fixing to say.
The time has come for you to find a better way.
The course you’ve taken up to now just doesn’t pay.
You need a dream
That you can reach.
Something simple.
I hate to preach.
Your momma tried to tell you, but you just didn’t see.
She told you and told you that she wanted you to be
A reliable fellow who can stand on his feet.
; You need a dream.
You can achieve.
Something simple.
I do believe.
Instead you’ve tried to hide behind your momma’s fence,
Behaving like a mutt who didn’t have good sense.
You’ve hoped that you’d become some kind of a handsome prince.
That’s not a dream,
It’s a mirage.
You’ll never find it.
It’s just a dodge.
So what does that leave and where do you stand?
Do you have any skills that could be in demand?
You can’t continue living with your head in the sand.
So make your move.
Get off your duff.
Take a stand.
Show your stuff.
As for courage and brains, you’re in short supply.
But down where it counts, you’re a decent guy.
An honest dog can find a home and that’s no lie.
And there’s your dream.
Go out and take it.
There’s no excuse.
Go out and make it.
So there’s you a dream that can be attained.
A dog needs a home like a flower needs rain.
And people need a dog they can love and train.
Go find a child
And be his friend.
Stay by his side to
The bitter end.
He finished the song and took a bow. “Well, there it is. What do you think?”
“I didn’t know bats could sing.”
“Hey, I’m from Austin, son, Music City on the Rio Colorado. Any bat from Austin can sing like an angel.”
“Well, it was pretty good, but I wouldn’t say you sounded like an angel.”
He scowled at me. “Did you listen to the message or were you asleep again? The song had a message for you.”
“Yeah, I heard it: go find a home, make friends, all that stuff. That’s easy to say, but I don’t think I can do it.”
“Will you at least try?”
“Well . . . I’m bashful. I get scared. And this old leg . . .”
He threw his wings into the air and stomped his feet in anger. “I can’t believe this! Here you sit, quivering under a bush while life moves on without you. Do you think the world is going to come looking for you?”
Drover's Secret Life Page 5