After a while, I took a break from the heat for a couple of chapters as I drank a beer, but reclaimed my spot in the pool to read some more. By the time five chapters passed, night had fallen. I looked up, surprised, I hadn’t even noticed the passage of time. A quick glance around revealed the kids were gone and more adults had arrived. The 1862 hot springs was beautiful during the day, but it was nearly otherworldly at night. Each of the pools glowed softly, steam rising to the stars overhead. Maybe because I was reading about ghosts and witches, but the entire place seemed magical. Yes, this was why I’d come. To escape. To be surrounded by beauty. To lose myself to comfort and books and let my brain turn off. My brain and whatever the hell was wrong with my heart.
And something was wrong with my heart. As I scanned the small crowd, a man in one of the far pools caught my attention. It was Gilbert, and he was looking right at me.
A large man passed between us, and in that instant, he looked away.
It wasn’t Gilbert. Just a trick of steam and the blur of my sight without glasses. A trick of my heart and brain; those two fucked-up fellows.
Relief washed over me, quickly followed by disappointment. The emotion made me despise myself. Why should I be disappointed? Did I really want a man who was obviously disgusted by me to show up and ruin the peace I was finally slipping into?
I realized I was staring at the lookalike. Turning away, I refocused on the book. But no matter which alternate universe the ghostly Eve went to next, I couldn’t follow her. My attention was fully focused on the man, the wannabe Gilbert. Even without looking over, I could feel his eyes on me, nearly as if his fingers were tracing over my body. And I got hard again. Instantly and achingly hard.
I was fucking losing my mind. The man wasn’t Gilbert. Like he was following me on my vacation. And whoever it was, he wasn’t looking at me or lusting after me. I was making it all up, and my body was betraying what it really needed. Rest. I needed rest. Not fantasies of a man I couldn’t have. Not even the fantasy of a man I could have. I needed to be on my own. And celibate. Celibacy had been working. It really had. Until fucking around with Gilbert.
Damn it.
I backtracked to chapter six again and started reading, doing my best to focus this time. Even so, my stupid erection refused to fade.
“Mind if I join?”
The voice at my shoulder caused me to flinch, splashing a few drops of water on the Kindle screen. I looked over and met the Speedo-clad bulge right at eye level. Despite myself, I took longer than I should’ve to peel my gaze away from the outline of the head of his penis through the white material. Finally I looked up, knowing it had taken me too long to play it off as anything other than what it was.
The man smiled from his squatted position. Dark, wet strands of hair fell partially over his eyes. “Sorry to startle you.” His crooked smile negated his words. “You mind if I join you in your pool? You make it look… good.”
It was the guy from across the way. Obviously. Seeing him up close helped me feel a little less crazy. Even with him being near enough for me to not need glasses, he was similar to Gilbert. Not as beautiful, but pretty enough to pass for him at a glance.
Again that shot of disappointment.
Okay, maybe I wasn’t seeing things, but there was still something definitely wrong with me. “No, of course I don’t mind. I’m having a hard time focusing on my book anyway. Company would be nice.”
His smile grew, making him more handsome.
Company would be nice? What the hell was wrong with me? I might as well have said, Sure, I totally want you to fuck me.
Clearly that was where the man’s intentions lay. And that was fine with me. I hadn’t been with anyone in the nearly three months since Gilbert. And while I’d promised myself there would be no more random hookups, even if I had slipped with Gilbert, maybe this would be exactly what I needed. Fuck away whatever residual feelings I’d been carrying for Gilbert. Probably not a great idea to do it with a lookalike, but whatever. He was here. And judging from the guilt that sliced through me—guilt at having sex with someone other than Gilbert instead of guilt around breaking my hookup rule—it confirmed it was exactly what I should do. I needed to cut that shit out. I’d get this out of my system and then return to celibacy once more. Celibacy without jacking off to thoughts of Gilbert.
“You sure you’re okay with me joining? You look a little worried.” The man had one leg already in the pool, his other still propped on the concrete. His bulge still on full display. And maybe it was my imagination, but I could swear, it was a little more plumped up than it had been a moment before.
And there went my dick again. “Uhm, no. Err… feel free to get in.” I turned away from his dick—I mean, from the man—and used my towel to wipe off my Kindle, then wrapped it up. I spared the length of a breath to consider. I needed to make up my mind before I turned around. Was I really going to do this? Really going to break my vow to get over breaking my vow the first time?
Yes. Yes, I was.
Turning, I sank low in the water so I was sitting on the seat that ran the circumference of the small pool.
The man had already taken a similar position, and he held out his hand. “I’m Johnson. Nice to meet you.”
I nearly laughed. Johnson. The guy with his dick on display was named Johnson. And wasn’t that a last name anyway? He’d probably just made it up on the spot. Like I cared. I shook his hand, which was strong and firm. “Walden. Nice to meet you.”
His eyes narrowed, probably thinking I’d just made up a name as well. If so, it seemed he didn’t care either. “You staying at the spa tonight?”
“Yeah. I have two nights here. Then I’m meeting some friends at the Heavenly Mountain Resort to ski.”
“Cool.” His grin grew more heated. “I’m driving down from Idaho, taking a little trip to San Fran. Thought I’d have some fun in the Castro for a few days, but I’d heard there was some fun to be had here, if luck is on your side.” His knee grazed mine under the water. “Looks like it is.”
The man was direct. Always a weakness of mine. Probably because I was so bad at it myself. “Yeah. It sure looks that way.”
This time his knee touched mine and pressed against it. “So what brings you to the spa, Walden? Were you looking for a good time tonight, or am I just something special?”
Thankfully, I’d had years of practicing my poker face, otherwise, I’d probably show a look similar to the one Gilbert had given the night of the engagement party. While I wasn’t good at being direct myself, I hated having obligatory small talk before a hookup, especially when the small talk seemed designed to elicit compliments. That had been one of the hottest parts of Gilbert. He’d cut through all that shit. Saw what he wanted and taken it.
And what did it say about me that I preferred a man who saw me and used me to a guy who at least feigned interest?
Whatever. Beggars couldn’t be choosers. I could play this game for a bit. “Just getting away from it all for a couple of days. Wasn’t planning on anything other than soaking and reading. But if—” Yeah, I could play this game. “—something special comes along, might as well change plans.”
His hand joined his knee, instantly beginning a slow rise up my thigh. My cock responded in full force. It didn’t care about what games I needed to play or how many false compliments I needed to give.
“Well, I’m glad I chose tonight to stop by.” His hand made it over the leg of my swimsuit, and the back of his finger traced my bulge. His gaze flicked down, then back up. “And it seems like you’re glad I did too.”
Play the game. Play the damn game. “Yeah, I am. I wasn’t expecting someone like you to be here. For sure a lucky night.”
Johnson pressed the back of his fingers against my erection. “Feels like it for sure.” Still pressing against me, he moved closer, his thigh flush with mine. He leaned closer, a strand of wet hair brushing my ear, his voice low and pitched to an obviously forced sexy rumble. “So, what are you i
nto? Tell me what you’d like to do to me.”
I glanced around, suddenly aware we were surrounded by people in all the other pools. Some were coupled off, to be sure, though I doubted any were gay, and I doubted any of them were already into foreplay. And, God, this was my least favorite form of foreplay. I hated the talking about it, the planning it out. I knew that was supposed to be sexy or something, but it just felt stupid.
His tongue scraped my ear. “How do you wanna use my body, Walden?”
I couldn’t do this. Not only because I didn’t want to erase Gilbert’s memory with someone so inept. Something about the guy made me feel gross. Not dirty and hot in the way Gilbert had, but in a pitiable cliché way. A desperate way.
And what the hell was wrong with me that I was going to turn down a sure thing with a fairly hot guy. Was it really because of how he made me feel, or was it because he wasn’t Gilbert?
The thought was enough to make me change my resolve. It didn’t matter how this guy made me feel or how much I hated this part of a hookup. The result would be the same. Or at least good enough. I was, however, going to speed it along, skip the fucking planning stages and get the show on the road. Hell, if the fucking wasn’t much better than this part, then I could be back here in half an hour and maybe finally focus on my book. Gilbert erased from my mind.
Right, because this guy was going to be able to do that.
Whatever, worth a try.
As I turned to look at him, I couldn’t stop myself from wiping the trail his tongue had made off my ear. “How about we go back to my… your room and find out?”
If he picked up on any of my reservations, Johnson didn’t show it. He gave my erection a full squeeze. “That sounds perfect. When we’re there, you can use my body however you—”
A shadow fell over us, and Johnson turned to see what it was.
I did as well. The silhouette of a muscled male body stood at the edge of the pool. “Walden Thompson. Imagine meeting you here.”
Gilbert’s voice poured ice into the hot pool. My brain fried, along with my ability to speak.
“The pools are lit. You might want to let go of Walden’s dick.”
Johnson released his grip but surprised me with more balls than I’d have predicted. “Sounds like you two know each other. Care to join us? I always like being smashed between two hot men.”
Gilbert stepped into the pool, the light adjusting so his gorgeous features were clear. His wet muscles glistened with each movement. I could practically feel Johnson shudder beside me at the sight of Gilbert’s abs sinking below the waterline. Not that I could blame him.
Johnson scooted away. “Wow. You are gorgeous.” He rose and took a step toward Gilbert, who inspected him.
I nearly laughed. I was going to get traded. The man I was going to force myself to hook up with was going to take home Gilbert instead.
Hello, mindfuck.
Johnson was mere inches away when Gilbert spoke. “Unfortunately it’s just going to be Walden and me this evening.”
And more brain frying. And possibly a heart attack or two. It was going to be just the two of us. As in the… two of us. As in….
Holy shit.
Though Johnson paused, he reached out, like he was going to touch Gilbert’s crotch under the water. “You sure about that? I can make it worth your while. I’ll let you—”
“You can leave now, actually.” Gilbert sidestepped him and took a seat by me. Even though Johnson stood above, Gilbert spoke like he was a king and Johnson groveled at his feet. “Have a good night.”
Johnson muttered something, but I didn’t bother hearing or noticing more than a splash of water as he got out of the pool. I turned to Gilbert in shock. That he was there. That he had insinuated we were going to be together that evening. That he’d just stepped in, taken charge, and sent my hookup away as if he had every right to do so.
I should be furious. Should tell him to fuck off. That he didn’t get to treat me like slime one minute, then swoop in and do… whatever it was he was doing.
I should walk away.
I knew I wouldn’t. But I also knew I should.
Seven
Gilbert
The man headed to the next pool and made a show of leaning against the opposite side to stare at us. Part of me wanted to follow him and hold his head under the water for touching Walden the way he had. Not long, just enough to make sure he kept his hands to himself. Even as the temptation arose, I was fully aware of the uncharacteristic nature of that impulse. Typically if I saw a guy I was attracted to starting to get it on with another man, I’d join in or at least observe and enjoy myself. The thought of watching anyone else touching Walden was about the least enjoyable thing I could imagine. Maybe if I hadn’t been Donovan’s patient for so many years, I could pass the sensation off as something it wasn’t. Unfortunately I couldn’t. I was jealous. I was never jealous. Jealously was stupid. Weak. And completely ridiculous in the given situation. I’d been with the man once, kinda twice, and three months later I was jealous? Fuck, I was broken.
The other part of me wanted to mount Walden then and there, for the entire world to see. Claim him as mine. Just as ridiculous as my first impulse and about as effective as pissing on him to mark my territory.
Thanks to my years with Donovan, I was able to ignore both urges and act like a sane person instead of the caveman I felt like. I turned to Walden and flashed a smile. “Hey.”
A flurry of emotions played over his face, clear even in the soft light of the pool. Confusion, hurt, anger. But lust most of all. Lust.
Good.
So he wasn’t mad about me cutting in. At least not enough to stop it.
Finally he found words. “What are you doing here?”
Okay, not the “Fuck me, right here and now” that I’d hoped for, but I’d play the cards dealt.
“I live about half an hour away, on the bank of Lake Tahoe. It’s been a long week. I thought I deserved a spa day. A massage and then a few hours in the pools before going back home.”
“Long week? It’s Tuesday?” Walden’s brows furrowed. “That’s not the point. What are you doing here, in this pool?”
His tone was irritated, but I could swear it was more for show than anything. That he felt he should be annoyed. But I could also swear I felt the electricity radiating from his body, like he was barely containing himself from straddling my lap then and there. I wished he’d give in to that notion. As much as I’d decided I did have a thing for geeky hot, he looked as he had the first time I saw him. No glasses. Long, damp, dark blond waves around his face, droplets of water making their way over the pale skin of his shoulders and down his thick chest.
I shrugged. “You were about to make a mistake with that guy. I decided I should stop it.”
This time his irritation sounded more genuine. “Why would it have been a mistake? Not that it would be any business of yours if it was.”
“Because he isn’t me.” The words left my lips before I could stop them.
Walden flinched.
Shit. There was only one course of action to play this off without letting him see how much I’d been thinking about him. Luckily, that course wasn’t a lie, just not the entire truth. I scooted closer, close enough to touch him, but I wasn’t going to. I was already giving away too much about myself. He was going to touch me first. “Because if you’re going to get fucked tonight, it needs to be with someone who can do it right, give you what you want, give it to you the way you need it.” I cast a glance toward the man, who was still staring at us, enjoying my victory over him more than was decent, I was sure. “Because he sure as hell couldn’t satisfy what I know you crave.”
Walden shivered, and his lips parted. Though his mouth moved, no words came out, and he licked his lips. He wanted me. Wanted me so fucking much.
I wished he wanted me more than I wanted him. Hell, I wished I could even lie to myself enough that I’d believe that. But even I wasn’t that good at self-decepti
on. There’d been countless men since December. And each one managed to possess some aspect of Walden. And not one of them measured up to the real thing. I couldn’t let Walden see that, though. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me anyone can do to your body what I can do.”
I swear he almost touched me. I felt his hand move under the water, and I prepared for the contact I’d wanted for months. Then a shadow crossed his features, and he pulled his hand back. “And what is it you want from my body, Gilbert? Just to make you feel good about yourself? Or do you get a sick thrill out of fucking someone you find disgusting?”
“What?” I broke my resolve and clasped my hand over his shoulder. “Why the hell would you think I find you disgusting? I’m not sure how I could’ve been clearer on how hot I find you.”
He glanced at my hand on his skin, and I thought he was going to pull away for a moment, but he didn’t. Then his eyes met mine, and the lust and irritation were both gone. Only hurt remained. “I saw the way you looked at me at the engagement party. Whatever happened made something change, and you found me disgusting. And you walked away without a word.”
Oh. Of course he would’ve interpreted what he’d seen in that way. I could only imagine what my expression must have been. At the memory, I had to force my hand to stay where it was. As much desire as I had for Walden, part of me was still repulsed.
“See? Right there. There’s that expression. I disgust you.” This time he did pull away. He stood, the water rippling around him. “It was bad enough the first time. This is just fucked-up. Maybe I do want you, more than I should, but I’m not going to fuck around with someone who looks at me like I’m trash. No matter how much your ego needs it.”
“Wait.” I nearly grabbed him, afraid he’d walk away and not listen to me. But I didn’t. I didn’t have the right. And maybe he should walk away. Do us both a favor and leave me sitting there in the pool. Go over to the dumb fuck he’d been about to screw before and make me watch as he took the guy back to his room. That was what he should do. It would be better for both of us. Even if it hurt, it would feel better than where this would end up if we had sex again.
The Garden (Lavender Shores Book 2) Page 6