Gilbert tried to pull back, but I pushed down further onto him, feeling him stretch me.
“Walden!” He smacked my chest, hard this time.
I pulled off him, realizing what I was doing, and stood. I stared down at him, so beautiful in the light of the lamp and stars and the moon. So perfect. This perfect, perfect moment, in this perfect place, and I’d completely ruined it.
“I’m… I’m sorry.” I tried to choke out more, but couldn’t. Gilbert was struggling to his feet, and I turned to rush back inside. Completely humiliated. I made it about a foot before he grabbed me. I couldn’t even run away properly. “No, I’m sorry, Gilbert. Let me go.”
His grip was firm, and he pulled me to him. I struggled, but he wrapped his arms around me.
“I’m sorry, Gilbert. I’m sorry.”
He brought his lips to my ear, whispering like I needed soothing. “It’s okay, baby. We just got caught up in the moment. It’s all good. Nothing happened. We stopped it.”
I pulled back slightly, trying to see his face. “You stopped it. I was the one…. I just wanted….”
“I know. I want it too. I want to be inside you. Really inside you. No barriers. Just you and me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop it.” Gilbert cupped my cheek, meeting my gaze. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“What you must think of me. After everything.” Fresh shame poured over me, and I couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “I swear this wasn’t like before. I wasn’t picturing it like the bathhouse. I wasn’t trying to—”
He kissed me. Hard, demanding. More to shut me up than anything, probably. After a second, it grew softer, more tender, and I sank into it. Finally he broke the kiss and waited for me to look at him. “I know that. This is nothing like that. And this is nothing like anything I’ve ever done before. I want to be inside of you because I love you. I want to release in you, know that our bodies are one during that time. This, right now, isn’t just sex, isn’t just fucking.” His eyes narrowed, and he looked suddenly embarrassed. “I, ah… I’ve never told any man I loved them before. Ever.”
I was swept away by the implication of that, but only for a matter of moments before the shame returned. “And then I do this. Like a complete whore.”
He laughed, and his smile returned. “Well, that’s one thing we have in common, huh? We’ve both been slutty whores from time to time. Maybe more often for me.” He bit his lip. “Actually, we can do the bareback thing in about a month.”
I flinched.
“I haven’t slept with anyone since we were together at my place in March. I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else after you.”
I studied his eyes, my embarrassment forgotten for the moment. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Gilbert nodded. “I guess I was in love with you even then. I just didn’t really know it.” He smiled. “And what you did there? It’s just natural. You want to be joined with your man. We will be. In just a few more weeks.”
And way too many emotions wash over me then. As slowly as this thing between us built, the last few hours had been a whirlwind, and it was too much to fully take in. Too much, but oh, so, so wonderful.
“You okay?”
I wasn’t sure, but I nodded.
“Good.” Another grin, almost shy this time. “I got carried away with how fucking hot you are a while ago. The original plan was to make love to you. Mind if I get back to that now?”
Now that, I was sure about. I nodded again.
He kissed me. “Lie down.”
As I lay down, Gilbert gathered up the condom and lube. After he positioned himself between my legs, he opened the package and then slid the condom over his erection. He hadn’t softened at all during that time. I had, but at the sight of him, I grew rock-hard once more. The lamp was behind my head, so every inch of him was illumined. He nearly glowed against the darkness of the night. As he crawled over me, his long bangs hanging down, he was awash in amber, the muscles of his shoulders bunching as he moved, his abs flexing as he readied himself.
I lifted my legs, giving him access as he stroked lube over his cock, then lined himself up, and met my eyes. “You never need to be ashamed with me. Ever.” And he pushed inside.
I gasped in pleasure as he filled me. I struggled to breathe for a moment, overwhelmed by the feel of him and from his complete acceptance.
Then he was over me, kissing me, the hair of his chest and stomach stroking over my skin as he began to move. I wrapped my arms around his back, crushing him to me. Needing to have him as close as possible.
Gilbert’s tongue made love to my mouth as he thrust in a steady rhythm. He took his time, giving long, languid strokes. Nearly pulling out, then pushing deep. Though the desire to feel him inside without a barrier, feel his seed empty into me, was still there, I let his assurances ease the guilt. He was right; it was a normal desire, to be fully connected to the man I loved. Not allowing myself to be used or put my life and health at risk, but open up fully to one man. To share my soul and my body.
My spirits soared as he moved, thinking of him saving himself for me over these past many weeks. Letting that revelation offer assurance that this wasn’t based on emotions in the heat of the moment, but on real longing, a real bond.
“I’m close, babe.” He arched his back making room, but not breaking our connection. “Come for me.”
I reached between us, wrapped my fingers around my cock and began to pump. He returned to kissing me, and the speed of his thrusts increased as he slid in deeper with each pivot, his cock stroking my prostate.
I came with just a few strokes, crying out into his mouth as my come spilled over my stomach and fingers. A few more thrusts of his hips, and Gilbert came as well, letting out one strangled cry that was probably loud enough for my closest neighbors to hear.
Staying inside me, he lowered his body against mine once more, supporting his weight on his elbows as he stared down at me. “I love you, Walden.”
My eyes stung with nearly overwhelming emotion. I’d truly never thought I’d feel this again. “I love you too.”
Falling asleep, waking up, making love again, showering, cooking breakfast. Every step was commonplace. Well, not the morning sex session, but the rest. All of it perfectly normal and easy and nearly boring. And more wonderful that I could imagine.
Gilbert was getting dressed and I was going to drive him back to his parents’ house. He needed to return to Lake Tahoe to finish up another project but was going to return the following weekend. Part of me had wondered if things would change in the light of day. They hadn’t.
I checked my email and Facebook as he got dressed.
My heart shuddered to a stop at the first message I came to. I read it twice. Then a third time. Shock gave way to anger and then faded to confusion.
“What is it?” Gilbert paused in the hallway, dressed except for his shoes, which were by the door.
“Nothing.” I stuffed my phone into my pocket. No, I couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t. No lies. Ever. No matter how uncomfortable. I met his gaze and tried to make my tone as nonchalant as I could. “I just got a message from Levi. Uhm, he’s… in town and wants to talk.”
Gilbert froze. I could see the thoughts flying behind his eyes. “Okay.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” He took a couple of breaths. “I’m not really sure what to say here.”
A half-crazed laugh broke forth. “That makes two of us.”
He swallowed, glanced around the room, then settled on me again. “Do you want to meet him?”
“No.” I shook my head. No, I didn’t. Not at all. The thought made me ill. “But I think I need to.”
There was a long pause before he nodded. “Thought you’d say that.”
This time I couldn’t see the thoughts behind his eyes. Those old walls shot up like they were retractable blinds. I rushed toward him. “Hey.”
He shook his head.
I grabbed him a
nd waited until his shadowy eyes met mine, just like he’d waited for me the night before. “It’s okay, Gilbert. I’ll meet with him, get closure or some horribleness, and then it’s done. For good.”
The walls didn’t come down. “I’ll understand, Walden. You already told me Levi was the love of your life. And now… he’s back.” He muttered something, and even though he was so close, I didn’t catch what it was.
The phrase sounded so strange next to Levi’s name. How odd. That was exactly how I’d thought of him. For years. And now… it just felt… wrong. And not real. I couldn’t hold back a smile. “No. That’s not true. Not anymore.”
“You don’t have to—”
I cut him off. “I want you. Period. I want you, Gilbert. I love you.”
He studied me, and I thought there was a softening in his gaze. “Are you sure?”
“More sure than anything in my life.” I rushed ahead before he could argue. “If you’re not comfortable with me meeting him, I won’t. Not even a question.”
He scrunched up his nose. “No. That’s not how this will work. We both make our decisions without demands.”
“That’s not what I meant. You wouldn’t be demanding anything. We make decisions that are good for us individually and together.”
Gilbert looked uncomfortable. Maybe that had been too much, “for the rest of our lives” kind of too much. He nodded resolutely. “No. You said it yourself. Closure. You should meet him.”
Twenty-One
Gilbert
I made it to Olema before I couldn’t take it anymore. Seriously, who was I kidding? Walden was going to meet his ex, and I was supposed to drive home and work on jewelry design? I’d probably end up making a sword instead of the commissioned pendant. Oh no, not a sword. A penis guillotine. Yes, that’s what I’d design. Then I’d find fucking Levi What’s-His-Face and test it out. He deserved it to begin with, but even more so now. Just when I’d told a man I loved him, just when I was able to admit it to myself. The fucker chose to show up at that moment? Trying to win my man back now?
Maybe I’d upgrade to a full-sized guillotine. Oh, oh! Maybe a combo design. Two heads at once.
I pulled the car over and parked along the little shops of the main street—they tried so hard to pull off the charm Lavender Shores managed so effortlessly.
Oh my God, I really was distraught. I was thinking complimentary thoughts about Lavender Shores.
I needed to cool down. If I drove back now, I’d do something… well, I wasn’t sure what, but since the thought of guillotines filled me with joy, that was probably a sign I should slow my roll. On the left-hand side of the street, I noticed a sports memorabilia shop. I shuddered. That wouldn’t help. God, sports. A few stores down, a coffee shop called. Perfect. Just what I needed. Caffeine.
Caffeine probably wasn’t a good idea either. But whatever. Caffeine or murder. For now, caffeine would win. And chocolate, while we’re at it.
A few minutes later, I found a bench and settled in with my large espresso-rich mocha and a massive brownie. Chocolate times two.
The first day of June was gorgeous. Bright, sunny, cloudless, with a pleasant breeze. At least that was what I’d noticed when we’d woken up that morning. The fucking birds had been singing while I’d made love to Walden. Actually singing. Like a Disney cartoon, if Disney showed the fucking parts. For a moment I’d thought I stumbled into Andrew’s life.
But no. This made much more sense. I had no idea whether the day was still beautiful or not. It was all gray. Even with the addition of chocolate and caffeine.
What was I doing to myself? How did I let this happen?
I’d been happy, content. Well, no, maybe not happy. But as happy as Gilbert Bryant could be. That was good. I had my house. Had my career, my art. Clients who graced the covers of gossip magazines. And sure, I still needed therapy, but everyone did. Most just didn’t know it. Life had been stable, for the most part. A hiccup here and there, but it was good. Life was good.
Then Walden and his fucking hot ass on that damn Stairmaster. It had all gone downhill from there. The rest of his edible body. Those blue eyes. That wavy hair. That talented, talented ass. Again, that ass. Holy shit.
The perfect hookup. Perfect.
Except for the hidden I’m going to fucking turn your entire existence upside down. Other than that, sure, perfect hookup.
Walden with his damn sweetness. The wounded quality that I couldn’t help but recognize. The trust he seemed so willing to give, even after all his hurts. The way he set my body on fire and my mind at ease.
Goddamn Andrew and his fucking engagement party. If I’d never gone back for that damn thing, I wouldn’t have ended up sitting in Olema, of all places, contemplating chopping some little bitch’s dick off.
Maybe it was for the best. End it before it went even further. Levi’s timing was perfect. Perfect. I’d already started to envision life with Walden. Staying at his place during the school months, mine during his vacations, getting lost in his garden with my sketchpad and designing the best creations of my life.
Ridiculous.
Yeah, Levi’s timing was perfect.
Saved me from all that.
But fuck, it hurt.
Walden wouldn’t choose me. Maybe he was the love of my life, but Levi was the love of his. They had history. Even if that history had a ton of pain. Talk about a redemption romance.
And fuck. It. Hurt.
I loved him. New or not, which it wasn’t. I’d loved him for months, I’d just been too… Gilbert… to realize.
I loved him.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back…. God, I wanted to vomit as much as I had yesterday morning.
You know what? Fuck. That. Levi really was a little, lying sack of shit. And God knew I was about as far from perfect as they got, but I’d never do anything to knowingly hurt Walden. Ever. And sure, he deserved a hell of a lot better than me. But I knew for shit I was better than Levi.
I stuffed the rest of the brownie in my mouth, then simultaneously chugged the remainder of the mocha and hurried to my car.
Time to storm the castle.
Slay the dragon.
Rescue the maiden.
I once again parked, this time on Ocean Way, the perfectly perfect main street of Lavender Shores, before all those notions faded. Most of them.
I would fight for Walden. If I needed to. But maybe….
I pictured him beneath me the night before, as we were in the garden, his eyes meeting mine as he came, then as he said he loved me. Felt the comfort of his fingers laced with mine. Heard his quiet breathing as he slept next to me.
Maybe he’d choose me on his own, like he’d said before I left.
If he would, if he could, I wanted to know that.
And if he didn’t… then I’d fight.
So, what was I supposed to do? I was already back in Lavender Shores. I knew Walden was meeting Levi at Lavender Leaves at… I glanced at the clock. Seven minutes ago. I looked at the coffee and tea shop through the windshield. They were in there. Maybe Walden had looked at Levi and all the old feelings came rushing back and he’d already forgotten my name.
Maybe he hadn’t.
Okay, I wasn’t going to rush in guns a-blazing. Or sword or guillotine slashing, for that matter. But I wasn’t driving back home either. Charley’s Tavern was directly across the street from Lavender Leaves. But I couldn’t. Shouldn’t.
Whatever. I wasn’t killing the fucker, so that had to be good enough. All bets were off beyond that.
I went the long way around, walking up one block and then down the other. I figured it was less likely Walden would see me out the window if I didn’t cross in the middle of the street. I kept my head turned toward the shop windows as I passed. I’d stuffed my straw cowboy hat on my head as I got out of the car, feeling like I’d covered my face. Dumb. Like he wouldn’t recognize that hat a million miles away. I darted into Charley’s Tavern like I was a spy avoiding
the Russians, feeling some safety behind walls. Walls of glass. I didn’t wait to be seated, just chose a table next to the window and dared a look over.
To my surprise, the glare off the Lavender Leaves window was minimal. I saw them instantly, and to my relief, Walden’s back was to the street, but his dark wavy blond hair was evident. My heart sank as I studied the man across from him. Maybe because he was such a slime-ball, I’d pictured him differently. Like a rat or something. Maybe bad skin and teeth. Like his soul would show through to his outside. As in most things in life, that didn’t work as I’d thought it should. Levi was fucking gorgeous. Probably as tall as Walden, and just as thick. Tan skin, black hair, and damn good taste in clothes from what I could see.
Well, fuck.
There was a smack on the back of my shoulder. “Gilbert Bryant, get your hat off in a restaurant. Where are your manners, young man? Your father would tan your hide.”
I jumped, more from the sensation of being caught than from being hit. I whipped around and looked up into Mabel’s dark and seemingly ageless face. She grinned, humor twinkling in her eyes. She was one of the few who always treated me the same. I was the same Gilbert after Mr. Fitz as I’d been before. Of course, my family had been coming to her restaurant since before I was born, so I’m sure that didn’t hurt. I yanked off my hat. “Sorry, Mabel. Wasn’t thinking. You waiting tables today?” Suddenly I remembered where I was. Charley’s, not Mabel’s.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You been drinking this early in the day?”
I shook my head, still feeling out of place. “What are you doing at Charley’s?”
“You think I only eat at my own restaurant?” She placed her hands on her hips. “I came in here to have lunch, of course. Then I saw you walk in. I didn’t get to talk to you at the wedding the other day, so I wanted to say hi. Plus, you look like you’re up to no good.”
I flashed her a toothy grin, adding a flirty tone I didn’t really feel. “It’s like you’ve met me before or something.”
“That I have.” She shook her head. “Speaking of, I’ve been hearing stories. You and that new teacher.”
The Garden (Lavender Shores Book 2) Page 20