“We will spend the remainder of math block working on a fractions worksheet,” she announced and began passing out the worksheets.
Whenever a teacher says “we will spend…” that really means us kids will spend...
Ms. Waverly sat down at her desk and began grading papers. I started assembling my straws secretly inside my desk. Manny’s desk was right next to mine and he watched me with a baffled expression on his face.
“What are you doing?” Manny whispered.
“Ssh.” I said.
He just shook his head.
I knew I had to be extra careful because everyone knew about Ms. Waverly’s wandering eyes. She had what my dad calls googley-eyes. It’s hard to tell which eye to focus on when she’s talking to you because both eyes move independently of each other. It is a well known fact that Ms. Waverly can sit at her desk and grade papers with one eye while the other eye scans the classroom looking for students who are misbehaving.
I bent the end of each straw carefully, so it would fit into the next straw. So far, I had three finished. This was taking longer than I thought. Ten minutes had passed and I was finally done. I passed a note to Manny that said “Cough really loud at 10:10 exactly, pass it on.” He nodded and I watched the note pass from hand to hand to hand. It was 10:07. I sat nervously at my desk and tried to look like I was working on math as my hand crept into the pocket of my jeans. My index finger curled around the pop-tab of the lemon-lime soda that rested in my pant’s pocket.
Finally, the clock reached 10:10 and the whole class began coughing. I quickly popped the soda tab and shoved the straws in while the class coughed away. The sound of the popping lid was muffled by everyone coughing. Ms. Waverly knew something was up, but I could tell she wasn’t sure what it was.
“Are we all coming down with colds today?” she asked knowingly.
Twenty guilty eyes stared back at her silently.
“Perhaps we should skip recess. I would hate to take sick students outside,” she added.
“But sunshine is good for sick kids,” Eddie piped up.
“Is that so? Well, I don’t see a lot of sunshine today. Just lots of clouds, maybe some sunshine on the horizon,” she said as she stood up and peered out the window.
This was a perfect opportunity; Ms. Waverly had her back to us. With the straws in the can, I greedily sucked down the lemon-lime soda.
“Best not to take the chance…” Ms. Waverly added.
Groans from around the class, except from me. I was sipping soda as quickly as I could.
Ms. Waverly spun around just as I pushed the straw out of my mouth. I could tell Manny wanted to laugh, but he was holding it together.
“However, if we work hard on our math without any more silly interruptions, we may be able to go outside,” she finished and sat down at her desk.
She always knew just what to do to get the class back in line. It was probably a good thing that Eddie was in her class because he had a reputation for making teachers cry or yell. Ms. Waverly never did either. She was stone cold. Eddie had met his match.
I shoved the straws in my desk and started working on my math sheet. I knew I’d guzzled enough lemon-lime soda to create a massive burp. I felt the pressure in my chest. I opened my mouth to let out the world’s biggest burp, but all that came out was a small hiccup.
It’s a well known fact that any bodily function, no matter how small, can instantly disrupt a classroom full of fifth graders. And my hiccups would not stop! I continued to hiccup every ten seconds or so. Everyone laughed after each one.
Finally, Ms. Waverly said, “Josh, go drink some water.”
I had to be very careful when I left the classroom, because I still had half of a can of soda left in my pocket. I walked to the drinking fountain, but then had a better idea. I snuck into the boy’s bathroom, and hid in a stall. I figured if I chugged the rest of the soda, I might turn my hiccups into a burp. I chugged the rest of the can and threw it away in the trash. Let the custodian figure that one out! My hiccups stopped, so I headed back to class.
I took my seat quickly and continued to work on my math. Once again I felt the pressure in my chest. This was it!
“Hiccuuup!” It was the highest hiccup I had ever heard! The class exploded into laughter as I continued my ear splitting, incredibly girly-sounding hiccups.
“You hiccup like a girl,” Eddie said and laughed.
Smack! Ms. Waverly slammed a ruler on her desk. She had a smirk on her lips, so I could tell she wasn’t really mad, she just wanted the class to settle down.
“Josh, go see Nurse Turley,” she said as the class quieted down.
I had never been so embarrassed in my life. There was only one other time I could recall being this embarrassed in front of my classmates. It was during our second grade field trip to the zoo. A group of us were watching the monkeys and Eddie was teasing them. It was weird but you could tell the monkeys didn’t like him. He reached into his lunch bag and pulled out a banana. I knew what he was going to do. I pointed to the sign that read, “Please don’t feed the animals!”
Eddie didn’t care. He threw the banana at the biggest monkey and it landed right in front of him. You could tell the monkey was not happy. Before we could all high-tail it out of the monkey area, the big monkey picked up Eddie’s banana and sent it sailing right back at him. Apparently monkeys don’t have the best aim because instead of hitting Eddie, that banana whacked me on the back of my head so hard that I fell down and skinned both my knees and had to go to the zoo’s first aid station. I guess I shouldn’t have been running away. Anyway, everyone laughed especially Eddie. He even wrote his zoo report on how monkeys should be used as designated pitchers during the World Series.
I tried to block out this awful memory as I walked down the hallway to the Nurse’s Office. My hiccups reverberated off the walls and sounded even louder. I think I even heard an echo. Since all the classrooms had their doors open, I heard laughter from every room I passed. And not from just the students, I think I heard some teachers laughing, too.
Nurse Turley stood in the doorway of the Nurse’s Office.
“I heard you all the way down the hall,” she said as she scooted me into the office and made me sit on the uncomfortable bed again.
She leaned in close and examined my face, “Did you try drinking some water?”
I nodded yes, trying not to breath. Did she ever eat anything beside tuna fish?
“Did you guzzle any food or drink? Anything before getting your hiccups?”
“No,” I said innocently.
“Hum, I know one thing we can try…it might not work…but keep an open…BOO!”
“Aaah!” I screamed.
She watched me for what seemed like twenty minutes but it was probably closer to twenty seconds.
“That’s the oldest trick in the book! A good scare works every time.” she laughed.
“Hiccup,” was my only reply.
“Oh darn. Try holding your breath. Take a deep breath and hold it for as long as you can.” Nurse Turley said.
I took a deep breath and watched the second hand on the clock. When it got to eighteen seconds, I hiccupped. Nurse Turley frowned.
“Well, these things sometimes have to run their course. Although I did hear of a case where a man had hiccups for sixty-eight years.”
Sixty-eight years? What had I gotten myself into?
I sat on the hard bed for fifteen minutes and I still hiccupped every minute or so. At least they were slowing down. Once again, my eyes were drawn to the rashes and chicken pox poster. It was truly disgusting. One photo showed a kid with severe poison ivy all over his arm. It made my skin itch and I scratched my arm in the same spot. Nurse Turley left for a moment and came back with Ms. Behr, our school counselor.
“Hi Josh,” she said and pulled up a seat next to the hard bed. “I hear you have a nasty case of the hiccups.”
“I guess so,” I said and hiccupped.
“I was just wonder
ing what you were doing before your hiccups began?” she asked.
“Math,” I answered.
“Do you like math?”
“Yeah,”
“You don’t have any trouble with math, do you?” she pried.
“No, I’m good at it.”
“Oh,” she said and looked perplexed. “Is there anything that has been bothering you lately?”
“Not really,” I lied. I wasn’t going to tell her about the bet and lose the room. “What does this have to do with hiccups?”
“Nurse Turley said you didn’t eat or drink anything before your hiccups started, so I was thinking they may be stress hiccups.”
“I never heard of that.”
“Me neither, it’s just a theory I have,” she added.
Boy, was she weird.
“How’s everything at home?”
“Okay,” I decided to keep my answers short. Ms. Behr was notoriously long-winded. She could talk for days and it was almost lunch time. Bingo! I just had a thought. I knew a way to get out of this that was worthy of Eddie, the master liar.
“Ms. Behr, sometimes I get the hiccups at home, too. Mostly when I get stressed out. I guess having Eddie move in with me has been kind of stressful. But as soon as I eat something they go away.”
“I know blended families can sometimes cause undue stress. Perhaps I should counsel you and Eddie together for a few days,” she said.
“What?” I yelled. “I mean, that’s okay. I’m fine really. I just need some lunch.”
“I’ll see you both tomorrow during recess. It will be our first session. Now, go to lunch.”
“Hiccup,” was all I could say.
CHAPTER 5
The next day, Eddie and I made our way down the hall to counseling. I could tell he was mad. “You feel like punching me, don’t you?” I goaded him. I knew if he was mean to me, I would automatically win the bet.
Eddie was surprisingly quiet.
“Well,” I said again, “don’t you?”
Eddie stopped right in front of Ms. Behr’s door and blocked my way in. “Listen good, Josh. I’m not happy about missing recess and I don’t know what you’re pulling by having us both go to counseling but whatever it is, I will find out. I’m clever, like a prairie dog.”
“Don’t you mean clever like a fox?” I said.
“What? Why a fox?” Eddie asked.
I can’t believe I had to live with him. “A fox, that’s how the saying goes. Clever like a fox.”
“Never heard that saying, but I doubt that foxes are smarter than prairie dogs. I watched this show on the Discovery Channel about prairie dogs and they actually understand human language. That’s why I said clever like a prairie dog. Funny, you’re the one who gets straight A’s and I am the one who always seems to know more things.”
“Whatever,” I said. Now I wanted to punch him.
* * *
Ms. Behr greeted us with a smile and scooted us inside. “I’m sorry you boys are missing your recess, but this was the only free time I had today,” she explained.
“Ms. Behr, I thought that kids were supposed to get 30 minutes of exercise each day. Isn’t it a state law or something?” Eddie asked.
“Yes, as a matter of fact it is,” Ms. Behr said looking very perplexed.
“So, you should pull us out of math class, not out of recess,” Eddie challenged.
“I don’t think pulling you out of math class is a good idea,” Ms. Behr answered.
“Yeah, plus we already had PE today for 30 minutes,” I added.
I realize my error too late as Eddie shot me a “you’re dead” look.
Ms. Behr’s office was filled with bookshelves, plush toys and rocking chairs. According to her, the rocking motion helped “relax the soul”. I guess she needed to “relax her soul” too, because she was rocking away. That made me more nervous. Why did she have to relax? Maybe she didn’t know what she was doing. Maybe she was scared of Eddie, he always had a weird effect on teachers. Eddie, however, seemed as cool as a cucumber. For some reason, grown-ups never ruffled his feathers.
Ms. Behr stopped rocking for a moment and put her elbows on her knees. “So, boys how’s it going?”
“Everything’s great,” Eddie said.
“Not too bad,” I mumbled. I felt very uncomfortable. And what was that smell? I noticed the plug-in air freshener and knew at once. Those flowering-smelly things always made my eyes tear up and my nose sniffle. I’m allergic to them and the smell was extra strong in this small office.
“Josh, yesterday when we talked, you said it was kind of stressful having Eddie move in with you. What did you mean?” she pried.
“Well, what I meant to say was that it was stressful, but it’s okay now.” I said.
She sat back and began rocking again. Her eyes peered into mine. “How was it stressful before?”
My eyes were tearing up from the air-freshener.
Ms. Behr put her hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay Josh, just go with your feelings.”
“Oh, okay. It was stressful, you know, unpacking boxes and all.” I really sucked at lying. But the tears helped. Maybe I should try and breathe in more of the air freshener. I breathed in a gigantic gulp of air and started coughing.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eddie trying not to smile. I wanted to signal him to jump in and help me but I knew Ms. Behr was watching us both like a hawk zeroing in on a mouse. Any type of signal or sign between us and she would know we were hiding something.
“Yeah, it’s been kind of rough,” Eddie said, finally.
Ms. Behr turned her attention to Eddie. I watched in amazement. Was he going to blow it?
“Go on,” she said.
“See, it was just me and my mom for so long, I got used to having her to myself and now Josh comes along and I gotta share her.” Eddie said.
“And how does that make you feel?” Ms. Behr asked.
Eddie put on his best sad face. “Sometimes it hurts me right here.” Eddie pointed to his heart.
Ms. Behr turned to me. Eddie shrugged and smirked at me when Ms. Behr wasn’t looking. He was faking! Brilliant!
“Oh yeah, well, I have to share my dad!” I said and started sniffing again. And this time is wasn’t from the air freshener. I really did feel this way a little, I couldn’t fake it like Eddie. But having Allie as a mom made up for it, though. And I knew Eddie liked spending time with my dad, too.
“And I have to share a room with him. And everything has to be perfect and in its place. He is some kind of neaty, freaky, nerd king,” Eddie said.
Through my watery eyes and sniffles I answered, “Eddie’s so sloppy. He leaves his stuff everywhere in our bedroom. I have to step over his stuff just to go to the bathroom. He’s a giant pig!”
“Now Josh, we are not going to revert to name calling,” Ms. Behr scolded.
Didn’t Eddie just call me neaty, freaky, nerd king? “Sorry,” I mumbled.
“And Eddie, you can obviously tell that Josh is really upset,” she said as she handed me a tissue.
Eddie studied me for a moment with a thoughtful expression on his face.
“Sorry, dude. I guess I wish that I was more organized like you. My mom’s always on my case about it,” he said and really seemed to mean it.
“It’s okay, I should probably loosen up. That’s what my dad says anyway,” I answered.
The bell rang. Recess was over.
“You boys better get back to class. I’ll see you tomorrow at recess time,” Ms. Behr said.
Eddie looked horrified. Ms. Behr laughed, “Come on Eddie, you guys made some good progress today but we just scratched the surface. I know it’s hard to give up your recess, but this is important.”
Poor, Eddie. He loved recess. It was his time to shine. He was good at every game and was always picked first. Guess who was picked last.
Then suddenly I remembered what Eddie said earlier, “Ms. Behr tomorrow is art day.”
“So?” she ans
wered.
“We don’t have PE tomorrow, we have art. So according to the state law, we need our 30 minutes of exercise time. That’s recess tomorrow,” I said very proud of myself for remembering.
“Of course, make it Friday then,” she said and scooted us out the door.
“Good save, neaty, freaky, nerd-king,” Eddie said and smiled. I didn’t even mind the name-calling this time.
* * *
Eddie shoved a big forkful of tuna noodle casserole into his mouth. A little bit of the sauce clung to his chin. I didn’t have much of an appetite. Probably because I spent the last two days in Nurse Turley’s office smelling her tuna breath. I noticed she had an extra scoop of casserole on her tray when she walked by. Mystery solved.
“Hey Manny, you gonna eat that casserole?” Eddie said between bites.
“Naw, you can have it,” Manny said and scooped it onto Eddie’s tray.
“Thanks,” Eddie said.
Eddie and I decided that we should start eating lunch together. Actually Eddie decided. He said it would break his mom’s heart if she found out we didn’t really eat together.
“How would she find out?” I asked him last night as we lay in our bunk beds.
“Oh, I’d tell her,” he said.
“Eddie, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Maybe not to you, but I told my mom we eat lunch together and I can’t lie to her. So now we have to really eat lunch together.”
“But you lied to her about why I ate those lemons and limes.”
“It doesn’t count if I lie for someone else, only if I lie for myself,” he answered.
“I don’t see the difference.”
“Gosh, Josh, sometimes you can be so dumb,” was all he said. I still didn’t get it.
So, here we were, eating lunch together. At first I thought my friends would freak, but they didn’t. They just stared when he sat down. It was kind of like when you see a stray dog. It’s exciting because it could end up being your best friend or it could end up biting you. My friends were waiting to find out which kind of stray dog Eddie would be.
“I love tuna fish. If I lived in the ocean, that’s all I would eat,” Eddie said.
The Underwear Dare: Nerd vs. Bully! Page 3