The Underwear Dare: Nerd vs. Bully!

by Sisters, The Nardini

  “What’s that smell?” Marina asked.

  “I think Josh just let one,” Eddie added too low for Ms. Waverly to hear but loud enough for everyone in the back of the bus to hear. The back of the bus erupted in laughter until Ms. Waverly gave us the freeze eye.

  My face turned as pink as the stupid swirl on my skateboard. I was starting to get the reputation of being a farter. How would I ever live that down? And I hadn’t even completed the dare yet. I reached into my jacket and patted my secret weapon. It was a small zip-lock bag full of chopped broccoli. Oh yes, I found the ultimate fart food and I’d brought it along for the ride. It’s amazing the information you can find on the internet. Broccoli topped the list time after time when I searched for the foods that cause the loudest and smelliest farts.

  We exited the bus and began our tour. A small, round lady with bright red glasses was waiting for our class. Her hair matched her glasses. I wondered if she planned it that way.

  “Hi everyone, my name is Jan and you can call me Jan,” she said. Ms. Waverly snickered a bit but there was no response from anyone else.

  “That usually gets a laugh,” Jan said.

  A few kids laughed, but I think it was just so she wouldn’t feel bad. We were in for a long day with lame jokes like that.

  “Okay, that’s a little better. Everyone follow me to our first exciting stop.”

  We all obeyed. As we walked, I popped a piece of broccoli in my mouth.

  “Here we have the pit.” Jan said pointing to the large in-ground concrete pool of sludgy, slimy water. “The waste water from your house flows through that pipe. The pit filters out the garbage.”

  We all peered over the edge to look.

  “I can see a popsicle stick,” Paul said.

  “I see a plastic bag,” Marina added.

  Suddenly I let out a tremendous fart. It was loud like a brass horn, but the sound of rushing water was so loud only the person next to me heard it. And that someone was Eddie, of course. It was PE all over again.

  “Josh, you really stink at farting,” Eddie laughed.

  “What do you mean? That was perfect!” I argued.

  “Only I heard it. You have to plan better. You can’t just let one rip at any time. You’re wasting farts.”

  “Well, I can’t hold them in. If they want to come out, I can’t stop them.”

  “Amateur.” Eddie shrugged.

  Jan led us to the next stop in what was easily the most boring field trip ever. “This is the settling tank,” Jan said.

  It was another big, concrete, rectangular tank set into the ground. It smelled horrible. I thought Eddie’s farts were bad but the settling tank really reeked.

  “Any questions?” Jan asked.

  “What’s all the icky stuff floating on the top?” Chelsea asked.

  “That’s grease and scum. Straight from your home I might add,” Jan said.

  “Ew,” was all Chelsea said.

  “Why does it stink so bad?” Manny asked.

  “It is raw sewage from your toilets,” Jan answered.

  This got a giant “Ew” from the group and Jan laughed, “Well, it has to go someplace.”

  BAM-BAM-BAM!! Three very loud farts exploded from my behind. They were superb! Finally, I had won my side of the bet. Everyone turned to stare, even Jan and Ms. Waverly.

  The entire class busted a gut laughing. Ms. Waverly and Jan covered their mouths to try to hide the fact that they were laughing, too. It didn’t work. I could tell. Eddie was laughing the hardest. Everyone was holding their noses, too. Let them hold their noses! I had won the fart bet! Never mind that my face was a very deep shade of red from embarrassment.

  It took forever for the mayhem to die down, but finally it did. We continued our tour through the water treatment plant. Eddie could not stop laughing. Even five minutes later he was still wiping tears from his eyes.

  “What’s so funny, Eddie? It was just a fart. Everyone else has forgotten it,” I snapped. “I’d think that you’d be more concerned I’d just completed my dare.”

  That made him laugh even harder and more tears squirted out of his eyes. “Josh, that was classic. People will be talking about that fart for years!”

  “Thanks, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t sure I wanted that memory to live on forever in the minds of my classmates.

  “Too bad you couldn’t smell it,” Eddie added.

  “What? Didn’t you see everyone holding their noses? Of course you could smell it!” I added but then had a sinking feeling in my gut. Eddie was right. Everyone had been holding their noses before the fart because of the settling tank smell. I just embarrassed myself for nothing.

  “You really do stink at farting,” Eddie said with a smile.

  * * *

  I popped the straw in my grape juice box and sucked up the sweet drink. I looked at the lake in front of me and felt the cool fall breeze on my face. This was hands down the best part of the field trip. We were eating lunch at a park next to our local aquifer. The aquifer was a big lake that supplied all the water for our town. There was something really great about eating lunch outside on a school day, especially when sitting on the grass. It made you feel free.

  I took a huge bite of my PB&J. Jelly stuck to the side of my mouth and I licked it off. Strawberry. Yummy.

  Everyone was quiet and soaking up the sun when Eddie started in, “Did I tell you guys I’m getting my own room?” he said to our regular lunch crowd.

  “Cool,” Paul answered. “Can I come over and see it?”

  Did Paul just ask Eddie if he could come over? What was going on? Paul was my friend, not Eddie’s. And did Eddie say his new room?

  “Me too,” Manny added.

  Now Manny too?

  “Anyway, it’s really awesome. The ceiling is super tall like a church, but it feels more like you’re in a log cabin because it’s covered with wood. There’s enough room for two beds. One for me and one for anyone who wants to stay over night,” Eddie continued.

  “I do,” Paul and Manny said at the same time.

  “Okay, but it’s not finished yet. The walls still have to be painted and some other junk. But maybe this weekend you guys can sleep over.”

  “Sweet,” Manny said.

  “Yeah, sweet,” Paul added.

  Even as I sat next to my two best friends, I felt all alone. I had to win that room. I popped some more broccoli in my mouth. Eddie eyed me and an evil grin played across his lips. He thought he’d already won and he hadn’t even completed his dare yet. He only had one day left. Where did he get his confidence? I wish I had it.

  * * *

  Every child can recall a moment of great embarrassment in their life which they will remember forever. Mine happened that afternoon on the bus as we pulled back into our school after the field trip. Ms. Waverly was a stickler for leaving a bus spotless. Each kid had to pick up three pieces of garbage off the bus floor before we could exit.

  “Josh, please come up here and get the bag,” Ms. Waverly commanded.

  I walked to the front of the bus and retrieved the plastic bag that would house all the garbage we collected.

  “Please start at the back and make your way forward,” she said, but we all knew the drill.

  Each kid was supposed to put their garbage in the bag and then get in line. That way, when the bag kid got to the door, the entire bus would be clean and we’d be in a straight line, ready to exit. I hated being the bag kid. Why did Ms. Waverly always have to be so thorough?

  I schlepped my way to the back of the bus and held the bag out for Eddie, Manny and Paul. They threw their garbage in it and got in line behind me. The next step I took was magnificent and shameful at the same time. Raaaaat! I let out a nice loud fart that smelled wonderfully horrible. Not everyone heard it though; kids on buses do tend to be loud.

  “Dude,” Paul said and grabbed his nose.

  Manny and Eddie laughed.

  Marina and Chelsea deposited their garbage into the bag with one
hand and held their noses with the other.

  Each step I took produced another loud and smelly fart. Rat-ta-tat-tat! One right after the other.

  “Nice machine gun!” Matthew laughed as I held the bag out for his garbage.

  The farts did sound like a machine gun. My classmates were caught in the line of fire behind me. They were forced to smell the horror. There was no escape. I tried to move quicker, but the farts just came quicker. Rat-tat-tat! Rat-tat-tat!

  Kids were either howling with laughter or holding their noses. Some were even fanning the air. It was no use. The smell was just too powerful. A couple of kids stuck their heads out the window until Ms. Waverly made them put the windows back up. She believed in leaving the bus the way we found it. By the time I’d gotten to the front of the bus, everyone including Ms. Waverly had heard my toots and gotten a whiff. I’d won my part of the bet, but at the expense of my self-esteem.

  CHAPTER 12

  Since I had won my dare yesterday, the only thing that had me worried today was our poetry session. Even though Ms. Waverly told us we would have time to finish our free verse poem in class, I noticed that Eddie was working on his last night. He was really serious about winning his dare. Probably because he already told Paul and Manny about the super cool attic room. He was even quiet at breakfast.

  “Everyone please get into your poetry groups,” Ms. Waverly told us.

  Manny and I still had a lot to do, so we got right down to business.

  “I finished mine already,” Marina informed us. “Does anyone want some help?”

  Before Manny or I could utter a yes, Eddie scooted his chair closer to Marina. “Yeah, I really want it to be good so I can read it in front of the class today.”

  Marina looked a little skeptical but decided to help him anyway. I couldn’t spy on him because Manny and I still had to finish our poems. I didn’t want to ruin my “A” average.

  “How ‘bout I change some of the words so our poems aren’t completely identical,” Manny suggested.

  “That’s probably a good idea. Our poems are sounding similar,” I said.

  “Okay, what’s your first line?” Manny asked.

  “Flying high with wings real big,” I said.

  “Right. Mine will say: Flying low with wings spread out.”

  “Good. That’s not even close. This should be easy,” I said.

  “What’s your next line?” Manny asked.

  “How about: Over a field of corn.”

  “I’ll change mine to: It lands in a rice field.”

  “Do you think we should both use the word field?” I asked.

  “I don’t see the problem. What else are eagles supposed to fly over?”

  “Good point. Let’s keep going.”

  Ms. Waverly broke our concentration. “Now, I want everyone to read their poem to their group and decide who has the best description of their symbol. That student will read theirs in front of the class.

  Marina decided to go first.

  MOUNTAIN

  Writing a story is like climbing a mountain.

  My story starts small

  One paragraph, then two

  Soon it is a whole page

  Pages turn into chapters

  Chapters turn into a book

  The top of the mountain.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “I don’t get it, but I like it,” Manny said.

  “Not bad,” Eddie added. “But I thought you were going to write about a real mountain.”

  “No, I wanted to show my inner feelings,” she said.

  “Okay then, good job,” Eddie said although he looked a little confused.

  “Thanks.”

  I can’t believe Eddie complimented her poem. I mean it wasn’t that good. I didn’t even picture a mountain when she read it. Wasn’t that the whole purpose of this assignment?

  “I’ll go next,” I volunteered.

  EAGLE

  Flying high with wings real big

  Over a field of corn

  The eagle dives down to grab a mouse

  It must be lunchtime.

  “Really good Josh. I could visualize the eagle,” Marina said.

  Now that’s what I’m talking about!

  “My turn,” Manny said.

  EAGLE

  Flying low with wings spread out

  The eagle lands in a rice field

  A little mouse runs fast

  It doesn’t want to be lunch.

  Nobody said a word until Eddie started laughing. “It’s almost exactly the same as Josh’s.”

  “So?” I said. “I think they’re both good.”

  Marina was trying to stifle her laughter. “Yeah, they’re both good. But Eddie has a point. They are very similar.”

  “That’s because we worked on them together,” Manny said.

  “I know, but I wouldn’t know how to choose between them,” Marina said.

  “I would like to read mine in front of the class today. Does anyone have an objection?” Eddie asked.

  “Wait. We haven’t even heard yours yet. And Marina’s was really good.” I said. I didn’t want our group to vote for Eddie’s poem.

  “I’ve already read a couple of mine. I think it is only fair to let one of you guys read today. Plus I don’t think anyone will get the meaning of mine judging by Manny’s and Eddie’s reactions,” Marina said.

  “Well, then I vote for Manny,” I said.

  “Hey, we haven’t heard Eddie’s yet and I really don’t want to get up in front of the class,” Manny said. “I vote for Eddie.”

  “I second it,” Marina said.

  “I third it.” Eddie smiled. “Looks like you’re out-voted Josh. I’m the winner today.”

  “Not so fast, Eddie. Remember the poem has to be a love poem to… I mean it has to describe a heart.” Oops, I almost lost the bet by saying Eddie’s dare in front of Manny and Marina.

  “Don’t worry, it does.” Eddie smiled.

  My stomach was beginning to hurt. I don’t know if it was all that broccoli I ate yesterday or the fact that my group just voted for Eddie to read his poem. Either way, I felt like doubling over. I thought about asking to use the restroom, but I was afraid I would miss Eddie recite his love poem. And if I knew Eddie, it was going to be a big production. He never did anything small.

  * * *

  “And now for our last group. Who will be reading today?” Ms. Waverly asked our group.

  Eddie raised his hand. I could see he was a bit nervous. His hand was shaking slightly. He didn’t look in my direction at all.

  “Eddie, what a surprise. Wonderful. Come up to the front, please.”

  Eddie trudged up to the front of the class. He had a very serious expression on his face. It almost made him look menacing.

  “My poem is…” Eddie stopped to clear his throat. He covered his mouth with his fist and made a coughing noise again to clear his throat. I think he was stalling for time.

  “Eddie, do you need to get a drink of water?” Ms. Waverly asked.

  “Um, no. I’ll be fine.” He gave one final guttural cough. “Here goes.” Suddenly, it was as if he was in the starring role of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His stern expression changed to joy instantly. He should be an actor!

  MY HEART

  Hearts remind me of a special teacher

  Her hair is the color of cobwebs

  But there are no spiders living in there, I don’t think…

  Before Eddie could finish, the class burst into laughter. Ms. Waverly touched her hair and looked concerned as if she just now realized her hair was white. Eddie scowled and the class got instantly quiet. He still had that bully power that kids instinctively feared. He started his poem again.

  MY HEART

  Hearts remind me of a special teacher

  Her hair is the color of cobwebs

  But there are no spiders living in there, I don’t think

  If I could pick a special valentine,

  It would be
you, Ms. Waverly.

  The room was eerily quiet. I saw Ms. Waverly fanning herself with her clipboard. She took a few steps back and accidentally bumped into her own desk. Her cherished glass apple went sliding across the top of her desk before it rolled onto the floor breaking into a million pieces. Bits of cherry red glass landed around Eddie’s feet. Everything was happening in slow motion.

  No amount of bully power stopped the class this time. A volcano of laughter erupted from the lips of every fifth grader. I saw Eddie’s face go from pink to red to crimson. He hung his head and shuffled to his seat. The great and mighty Eddie finally knew what it was like to be teased.

  THWAP! Ms. Waverly’s ruler hit her desk. Everyone froze. That’s when I noticed her face was kind of red too. I didn’t know teachers could get embarrassed. “That’s enough,” she said with an icy edge to her voice. “Eddie, that was a lovely poem. Now, would you and Josh please go get the custodian’s dust pan and broom so we can clean up this mess?” she asked.

  Eddie sprinted out of the room. I had to run just to catch up with him. I saw him wipe his eyes with his hand. Was he crying?

  “Hey, wait up,” I called.

  He slowed down and turned to face me. His eyes were red. “I bet you had a good laugh huh, Josh?” he asked.

  What could I say? It was hilarious, but I didn’t think he would get so upset. “Come on, Eddie. It wasn’t that bad.”

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Really. It’s no worse than being crowned class farter,” I added.

  “How’s that worse? I’ve won that title last year fair and square from Carter the Farter.”

  “I’m pretty sure I’ve got you beat this year.”

  “Yeah, you do,” he laughed. “But everyone was laughing at me and now they think I have a crush on Ms. Waverly. How can I face them?”

  “Gee, Eddie, it sucks to have people laugh at you doesn’t it?” I said getting kind of angry. Six years of Eddie picking on me weren’t going to be erased in one day.