He looked over as I was leaving the room as if he knew I was going to bed. I gave him a smile, hoping he’d understand there wasn’t any more than the usual weirdness between us on my end and I was round if he wanted to talk.
I just didn’t expect him to excuse himself from Dad and hurry after me with the offer of walking me to my room.
“Don’t feel you have to…” I told him.
There was an odd vibe coming off him, something expectant that made my heart beat too fast and unevenly.
“You are never an obligation, Tatiana,” he said, his voice low as though he was hoping other people wouldn’t hear.
I nodded. “Then you may.”
“Nikolai, you are dismissed for the night,” Dmitri told him.
Nikolai looked to me and I gave him a reassuring smile. Nikolai nodded, bowed, and said his good nights.
Dmitri and I walked in the most awkward silence I’d felt in a long time until we got to my room.
“Can we talk?” he asked as I opened the door.
Not liking the overly formal tone to his voice, I nodded and opened the door for him to precede me. “Sure.”
I closed the door behind us but didn’t feel like it was a lock the door sort of situation.
“What’s up? I asked.
“I’ve had time to think…”
“Okay…?” I was certain I did not like where this was going.
“I said nothing before because of your words to me – you could not ask me to give up the true parts of myself and expect me to be happy. Well I could not either. I could not ask you to stand beside me when I knew how you felt about this life, my life. I could not ask you to put on that mask every day, to hide your true nature and become someone you are not.”
My heart thudded as he took a slight pause. This wasn’t going in the direction I’d expected it to. But now it was going in a direction, I wasn’t sure what I’d expected. Whatever my panicked brain was trying to tell me was just a little out of reach. Which meant it was a good thing he kept talking and I didn’t have to come up with any sort of answer.
“I told you once I could understand what it was to put someone else’s needs before my own, that I could put the needs of a whole country before my own for the sake of love. But if I have to give anyone my family’s ring on Thursday, I would prefer it be to a woman I wanted to marry. I needed to know I took the chance. I chose to go to war instead of announce my engagement to a woman I do not want. And all that achieved was my little brother being injured and I still have to face the country and give someone a ring.
“I understand if you cannot accept…” He dropped to one knee in front of me and took my hands. My heart beat so fast I thought it was going to explode and my whole brain just went blank. “Tatiana Bethany Penrose, you captured my heart the moment I saw you trip over that rug and ideally I would have waited for us to know each other better, to actually court you, if I had the time. But we both of us have our obligations and I do not have the luxury. Unfortunate timing or not, I would be honoured if you would be my wife.”
So many thoughts and feelings were whirring around my head and the only thing that I could make coherent was a breathy, “Dmitri…” which must have come out the wrong way based on the hurried way he stood up and stepped back.
He nodded. “I understand, my–”
“Do you?” came out quickly. “It’s just a lot to process. I–”
“I do understand.” He nodded again. “It was not fair of me to ask this of you. You said time and again we only had these weeks and I did not respect your decision. Forgive me.”
Before I could say anything more, he was gone and I was left trying to unpack what had just happened.
Dmitri had just proposed to me.
And I seemed to have said no…?
At least I definitely hadn’t said yes.
And he thought I’d said no.
I dropped onto my bed and had no idea what I thought or what I felt.
I’d always maintained I wasn’t crown princess material. I knew this. I knew I wasn’t the right person to be his wife, no matter how I felt about him. I was willing to put the country first and tell myself I was happy I’d let myself love while we had the chance. Like Mum and Dad, Dmitri and I weren’t destined to be. He’d be better off with a woman who could be queen one day and not set the damned country on fire or something horrendous.
Besides, I was barely an adult. I wasn’t ready to get married. Especially to a man I’d known for four months.
God. Had it only been four months?
It can’t have only been four months. It felt like so much more than four months. It didn’t feel possible to feel the way I did about him – or any other human being – after only four months. It couldn’t be proper love, surely. It was only lust and infatuation that maybe might possibly turn into love if we had time to give it a chance to grow.
And… There it was.
The slight matter of if we had time. If I’d said yes – if he announced his engagement to me on Thursday – then we’d have that time. We’d have the time for that feeling to grow and reach its potential. Because it might have only been four months and I might have never been in love before, but there was something about the way I felt about Dmitri that made me think this was it. This was what love could be – that this was what love was – and I’d be a complete and utter idiot if I let it get away from me.
But not letting it get away from me meant getting engaged. In three days. To a man the rational part of me was telling me I didn’t know well enough. At a time when the rational part of me was telling me I was too young. Putting me in a position I was not suited for and in which I didn’t belong.
Both sides of the argument were pretty damned convincing. I didn’t know what to do and it didn’t help that I kept picturing him giving Amanda this giant ring in front of the whole country before he kissed her and that was an added hurt that made thinking far too difficult.
Could I be the person the country wanted? The person the country needed? Could I be the one to get engaged to Dmitri in three days if it meant I didn’t have to watch the man I loved marry someone else?
It was possible.
But it was also irrelevant if I’d completely messed up and ruined any chance I might have had for him to still want me.
Chapter Fourteen
“Oh shit…” I murmured as I watched the video on Wednesday again.
“What’s up?” Lia asked.
“Have you seen Dmitri’s press conference?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“What did you think?” I asked her.
“I thought it was impressive. Why?” she asked again.
I shook my head. “No. Nothing.”
But it was everything and I felt like an even bigger idiot than I already thought I was.
Dmitri hadn’t divulged the extent of his and Nico’s adventure to the public. But he’d told them enough to keep them happy for now. It wasn’t the bits about him and Nico that interested me, though. It was the parts about what he and Bronkala discussed.
“We have a long way to go before we achieve all our goals,” Dmitri had said. “But the first steps have been taken. Bronkala and I are not so different – we each of us fight for our people, for their betterment and for their lives. We each of us have learned time and again that the hardest battles are the ones we fight alone, yet we find it hard to let other people share the burdens we place upon ourselves.
“Bronkala was the second person to ask me how I plan to protect my people. I spent all my life thinking I had to follow someone else’s rule. My father and the kings of Gallyr before him have protected their people as well as they could. I cannot promise I will not make mistakes, I can only say I will protect my people my way. Because I do not know how to be anyone else and I would do my nation and my people a disservice by pretending otherwise.
“I was reminded recently that it is important to fight together or n
ot at all. And I have realised that this does not just mean alongside my fellow soldiers, but all the Gallyrian people. With these negotiations, it is my fondest hope that the whole of Gallyr will fight together rather than among ourselves.”
I paused the video again and breathed out heavily.
“What?” Lia whined like she was missing out on the juiciest gossip.
I shook my head. “I need to find Dad.”
“Okay…” she replied slowly, but didn’t move to stop me.
Nikolai followed at a stately pace as I hurried downstairs. But I wasn’t looking for Dad, I just needed space to think. I found myself in one of the courtyards and, even though I hadn’t though t bring a coat, I told Nikolai to hold back a moment and went and took deep breaths in the chill air.
“Anya,” I heard Nico’s voice and turned to see him looking around. “Are you here by yourself? Perhaps waiting for your secret lover?”
I laughed, but it was mostly humourless. “No such luck.”
A slight frown crossed his features as he scrubbed a hand over his chin. “Can I speak frankly with you, Anya?” he asked and I was taken off-guard.
“Don’t you always?”
His smile was wry, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Not like this.”
“God. If you propose as well,” popped out as a mutter and my cheeks flamed.
“So he did?”
“Who did what?” I tried covering and was pretty sure it didn’t work.
“Don’t bother playing dumb. I nearly got the – what do you say in English? – the shit kicked out of me while he was busy realising how stupid he’d been. I understood from his foul mood since we got back that he either hadn’t asked or you’d said no. Now, I presume it was the latter?”
I nodded reluctantly. “What do you mean you nearly had the shit kicked out of you?”
Nico smirked. “I made the mistake of saying something…potentially inappropriate about you and Mitya lost it. He took his frustrations out on me and it was only when Bronkala had us that he admitted to me what had…happened between you.”
“Well, it’s irrelevant now.”
“Why did you say no?”
I sighed. “I didn’t. I just… It was so sudden and unexpected. I didn’t know what to say and I just didn’t say yes right away and I think he thought I was saying no.”
“You accept him, then?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think so. I feel like I either accept him or I lose him. I thought I was okay with losing him, but now I don’t know anymore.”
Nico nodded. “Mitya knew this.”
“What?”
The smirk was back, like Nico knew a secret I didn’t. “My big, stony-hearted brother ran away to find the big bad wolf in the hopes of buying you more time, Anya. He thought if he missed tomorrow’s deadline, he’d have all the time in the world to court you and ask you when you were ready. But fate has a funny way of deciding for us what we need and when we need it.”
I did a double take. “What?”
“Fate?” Nico’s smirk was knowing. I nodded. “She is a fickle mistress indeed.”
I swallowed. “Do you know if he’s spoken to Amanda?”
Nico shook his head. “I do not. If I were you, I’d speak to him and hope fate hasn’t changed his path.”
I almost hurried off, but I paused. “Nico…”
That sadness crossed his face for a moment. “In another life perhaps, Anya. But in this one, you were not meant for me. It will be enough to know you’re happy and that we will be friends.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, but I felt like it was something that had either resolved itself or would be fine given time. So I rushed over to him, kissed his cheek briefly and ran to Dmitri’s office.
“Lady Tatiana, can I help you?” Samson asked as I barrelled into the room.
“Um… Is… Is he in?” I asked, pointing to the door as I walked towards it.
Samson looked at it and nodded. “Is he expecting you?”
I shook my head as I pushed the handle down, “No,” and opened the door.
“Samson, can you tell me when…?” He paused as he looked up and saw it was me. “Lady Tatiana.”
“Hi.” I looked back to Samson with an apologetic smile. “Sorry,” I mouthed before closing the door and turning back to Dmitri.
“Can I help you with something?” he asked me, his tone cold, his expression perfectly unimpressed with my existence.
“I…” Now I was here, I didn’t know where to start. “Yes. That is… You didn’t let me finish what I was going to say on Monday and I didn’t even know what it was I was going to say. I don’t really know what I was going to say, or what I want to say. But I thought I owed it to both of us to try to say it before it’s too late… If it’s not already too late.”
“Is there a point to this, Lady Tatiana?” he asked, sounding bored.
I swallowed and told myself to keep going. If it was that mask again, I couldn’t let it get to me.
“Yes, Mitya. There is,” I said, trying not to get frustrated. “You caught me completely unawares on Monday. Since I arrived in Gallyr, it has been my understanding that you would be announcing your engagement tomorrow. Almost as long it’s been my understanding that your fiancée would most likely be Amanda Schuller, but whoever it was it wouldn’t be me. Then things got complicated because I was…attracted to you. Then we kissed and it got even more complicated.
“But I told myself that we only had until tomorrow because I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t worthy of you or the country. I knew there was no way I could stand beside you and help you run a whole damned country. I couldn’t even captain my hockey team in PE for God’s sake. I had no idea how to be a lady. There was no way I could be a future queen. And that’s not even taking into account the fact that I’m eighteen and hadn’t even thought about marriage yet.
“So I told myself I would love you while I could and let you go when it was time. But our time was cut short and I was left confused about how I felt about that. Then you’re back again and instead of me watching you announce your engagement to another woman tomorrow, you’re proposing to me. To me! And my brain just shut down. I didn’t know…” I sighed. “I didn’t know what to say, Mitya. My brain couldn’t work out what to process first. I couldn’t just say yes because I’m scared and I couldn’t say no because I didn’t want to…” I paused.
He’d given me nothing during my whole speech. Nothing. I didn’t know if he was waiting for me to finish or he just wanted me to leave. My brain went blank again as my heart pounded anxiously.
“Are you here to tell me you do know what to say now?” he asked, still sounding bored.
“I…” I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I could find the right words. “I’m still scared. I feel like I’m too young to feel like this, but there’s something so right about it. You said you’d have given us time if you could and I feel like that’s all we need. So the answer seems obvious.”
“If it is so obvious, I have to wonder why you seem to find it so hard to say.”
I swallowed again. “If I’m not too late and you still want me, my answer is yes. No,” I amended quickly. “My answer’s still yes. I don’t know if I’ll ever be worthy. I don’t think I’ll ever be the country’s choice. But I’d always do my best. I love you and I don’t want you to marry Amanda, or anyone else. I want to be with you, Mitya. Whatever that entails. I’ll be royal or common. I’ll marry you on someone else’s schedule or not at all. I don’t care what we do as long as we do it together… Please don’t let me be too late.”
Dmitri tapped the end of his pen on the desk and breathed out heavily. “I saw the report on Channel Eight,” was what he decided to respond with to my acceptance of his proposal.
“What?” I asked, hopefully understandably confused.
“I saw the report. Your thoughts about the unrest were…interesting.”
�
�Okay…?”
“I had seen it before, but it struck me again how you feel about this country and its people.” He looked at me but I couldn’t get a read on his expression. “You truly seem to care what’s best for them. You say you would have let me go if it benefitted the country?”
I nodded. “I thought it would be for the best. I thought they deserved someone better.”
“You say you love me?”
My heart twinged. “Yes.”
“You would give up the man you love for your country? For his country?”
“I was going to.”
“What changed your mind?”
“He told me he loved me. He asked me to marry him. He made me believe that being together was worth more than anything we might face, together or apart. You didn’t want to ask me to wear that mask for you? I’d gladly wear it every day if it meant I wore it by your side.”
Still nothing. And I was getting to the point where I needed him to accept me or reject me.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed the kind of person I am, Dmitri. But I think I’ve told you I love you more in the last few minutes than I’ve told any of my family in my whole life. You have to do what’s best for your country and, if that’s not me, I understand. But I think I deserve to be told straight. Am I too late or not?”
Dmitri opened his mouth, but the door opened before he could speak.
“Oh my God!” I cried in exasperation as I turned around then my hands flew to my mouth. “Rex… Hi…” I squeaked as he looked between Dmitri and me with a humoured question on his face.
“Did I interrupt something?” the king asked.
Only possibly the most important moment of my life to date. Nothing big. “No.” I shook my head.
“Wonderful. Mitya, the council is waiting.”
“I’ll be along in a moment, father,” Dmitri replied.
“You’ll be along now, son.” Rex gave him a ‘no arguments’ look and I could tell he wasn’t going anywhere.
Some Proposal (I'm No Princess Book 4) Page 11