As soon as I pull into the parking lot, my attention is drawn to the first building. That’s the building where Latif murdered the kid. Right against the very wall he flew into is a makeshift memorial. It has a big stand with flowers on it. On top of the cross sits a white t -shirt with a picture of the boy on the front. It reads: R.I.P. 1986 - 2001. Damn, he was only 15 years old.
As we pass the memorial, I notice a small crowd in a huddle about 25 feet away. One kid is bent over. As we pull up a little closer, all five of the kids look up at us. The kid who was bending down begins to stand up. He shakes a match. I now realize he was lighting a candle. There are about five glass candles blocking the passageway. There is also a bloody army jacket with an old white, filthy teddy bear sitting on top of it. Right next to the bear sits a big baby picture of Wu in a golden frame.
All the kids are sad. At least they’re acting like they’re sad. They probably don’t give a fuck. When someone dies in the hood, everyone crowds around the memorial crying, knowing they hated the motherfucker, just fronting for the people. Deep down inside, they’re just as happy that he’s dead as I am.
As I slowly pass, someone points at me and all the other kids start to stare. The one who’s pointing has a big, cheesy smile on his face. He must have been out here when Wu shot at me. I get pissed all over again. I put the car in park and jump out. “Cash, where are you going?” Mike asks. I don’t respond. I get out and walk in the direction of the kid who’s smiling. “Cash!” Mike shouts. I ignore him again. As I get closer, they all rise up and stand attentively.
“Is something funny?” I ask. No one answers. “I said, is something funny?” Still no one responds. “Do I look like a fucking clown?”
“Cash!” Mike shouts. “Cool out Cash!” Before I realize what I’m doing, I’ve knocked down all five of the candles. I did it with one sweeping motion of my foot. “Cash!” Mike shouts. Everyone’s eyes are stretched wide open. They’re surprised that I disrespected them like that. “Sniff!” I suck up a mouthful of snot. “Spit!” I hog spit at the memorial. It lands on the glass eye of the teddy bear. The flim stretches from the teddy bear’s eyes to the sleeve of the bloody army jacket. It’s so cold out here; the dripping snot freezes before it falls, causing the iced flim to dangle from the teddy bear’s eyes to the jacket.
“Fuck Wu!” I shout. “Spit!” I spit again.
“You disrespecting my man,” says the kid, who was laughing at me. I look at him. Now shit isn’t funny. He’s enraged. He quickly spits a razor from his mouth into the palm of his hand and runs in my direction. Mike jumps out of the car. The kid gets about three feet away from me. He raises his arm in the air as if he’s about to slice me. I snatch my gun off my waist. He freezes. The other kids back away. He’s motionless. I reach over and grab him by the neck.
“Go ahead, cut me!” I shout. “Cut me, you little punk motherfucker!” I jam my gun into his mouth. “Ucckkk!” He chokes as the barrel touches the back of his throat.
“Cash, cool out,” Mike begs, as he grabs me by the shoulder.
“Mike, get the fuck off me,” I shout. “You were about to cut me, huh? Drop the razor,” I demand. He quickly drops the razor. “Are you ready to meet Wu? Do you love him that much that you ready to die with him?” I ask. “Huh?” The kid doesn’t answer. “Answer me!” I yell. “You’ll only be one day behind him. Answer me, you bitch ass nigga!” The kid isn’t responding. He has a slight smirk on his face. He’s not even worried. Fuck it, I’m about to do him right here, right now. He must think I’m soft. He thinks I won’t do it. I quickly glance around. I take the gun out of his mouth. I cock the hammer back. I’m biting my bottom lip so hard, I can taste the blood from my teeth breaking the skin.
Now the kid is showing a sign of fear, but it’s too late. I glance around again to make sure no one is watching. I back the kid into the alleyway.
“Cash,” Mike whispers. I look over at him. He’s shaking his head no. The minute I see his face, I think about the conversation we had in the bar. The words “You have too much to lose,” echo in my head. Love’s face appears, then my two boys’ faces.
I push the kid with all my might. He stumbles backwards. I backpedal to the car and Mike follows. We both get in the car. All the kids are watching as we pull out of the lot.
The car is completely quiet; no radio or conversation for five minutes before I finally speak. “Thanks,” I mumble.
“For what?”
“For not letting me go through with it,” I reply.
“I told you, these little dumb ass niggas will get you 30 years!”
Ring! Ring! It’s my car phone. I press the intercom button without looking. “Hello!” I shout. No one answers. “Hello,” I repeat.
“Big Time,” Slim mumbles.
“What?” I ask sharply.
“Come by, I need to talk to you,” he whispers.
After dropping Mike off, I go over to Desire’s house. I’m still furious. When I pull up, Slim is sitting on the porch waiting for me. When he spots my car, he limps over to the car. He gets in. Never do I look in his direction. I have my eyes fixed on the car directly in front of me. He extends his hand in my direction.
“Here, take this $250, and I owe you $250 more,” he whispers.
I totally ignore him. “What happened to the other brick?” I can’t even look him in the eyes, maybe because he betrayed my trust. I’m so mad at him right now, I could smack the shit out of him.
“Big Time, I gotta keep it real with you. It’s Desire’s momma,” he explains. “I got to thinking about her, and one thing led to another.”
“Slim, I don’t want to hear that shit! What the fuck happened to the other brick?” I finally look him in the eyes. He has dark rings under his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t been to sleep in days. “All I’ve done for you, you gone steal from me?” I ask. “From me?”
“Big Time, at the time that was the only thing that could ease my pain.”
“So you just said fuck it, I’m going to steal this brick from Cash. He won’t notice it, huh?”
“It wasn’t like that. Please don’t look at it like I stole from you,” he begs. “Here, here’s half of the money. I’ll get the other half to you in a day or two.”
“Fuck that money!” I shout. “How the fuck are you going to steal from me?”
“Here Big Time, take the money, please!” he begs, as he extends his hand again.
I snatch the money from his hand, roll the window down, and throw the money out. “Slim, get the fuck out my car.”
“Huh, Big Time?” he asks, as if he didn’t hear me right.
“You heard me, get the fuck out my car. When you crossed me, you lost me!”
“Come on, Big Time,” he begs.
“Get the fuck out my car, you fucking junkie!” He backs away from me with a baffled look on his face. He reaches for the door handle. He opens the door and gets out.
As he stands in the doorway, he speaks. “Bang Man, you gotta make me a promise.” I’m looking straight ahead as if he isn’t standing there talking to me. “Big Time please promise me one thing, OK?” I look over at him. The tears are pouring down his face. “Big Time, please don’t have me killed.” I step on the gas. Scuurrrr! I burn out with my door wide open.
The tears that dripped down Slim’s face are nothing compared to the tears that are dripping down my heart. I wish I hadn’t used the word junkie. Have him killed? What the fuck is he talking about?
CHAPTER 26
Early this morning, I received a shocking call from Desire. She told me they just admitted Slim into the hospital. As if me tossing and turning all night thinking about what Slim asked me wasn’t enough. Desire said this morning the ambulance had to come pick him up. She said he was in real bad shape.
I just step off the elevator. Slim’s room is directly across from the elevator. I knock on the door. Knock! Knock! He doesn’t answer, so I walk right in. My heart is pounding. I don’t want to see him like this. I f
eel terrible about the way I talked to him yesterday. Then, for him to beg me not to get him killed, that took the cake. Does he really think I would do something to harm him? I would never do anything to hurt him no matter what he did. Slim means so much to me. He’s like the father I never had.
Right now, he’s sleeping. He looks a mess. He has a tube running through his nose and IV running through his swollen, tracked-up arms. The creaking of the door awakens him. He cracks one eye at me.
“Slim, get up from there. Stop faking. You’re all right!” I yell, trying to cheer him up, hoping he forgot the last words I said to him last night.
“Bang Man,” he whispers. “I ain’t faking. I wish I was. I’m fucked up, Big Time. My whole body hurts.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“It’s pneumonia. The doctor said due to my condition, a basic cold will break me down like this.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah man,” he replies.
Slim is talking about the AIDS virus. I feel guilty. I feel like it’s all my fault that he’s laying here. He was fine until I said what I said.
“The doctor said I should be all right, but from time to time, I’m going to feel very sick. You know, some days I’ll be up and others I’ll be down. That’s the effect this disease has on you,” Slim explains. “Big Time, I couldn’t even get out the bed last night. I tried to get up in the middle of the night to take a piss, I couldn’t move. I felt like I was going to die.”
“You’ll be all right.” I try to comfort him. “Just remember you’re the man. You’re not going anywhere unless you want to.”
“Did Desire say anything to you?” Slim asks.
“Anything like what?” I ask.
“I told her everything,” says Slim. “I told her about me having AIDS, I told her about her Momma, everything. Bang Man, I thought I was about to die! I wanted to leave with a clean slate.”
“What did she say?”
“She didn’t say anything; she just screamed the word junkie, and ran out the room.”
Junkie, twice in one day. I know he feels terrible. “She didn’t tell me anything about that.”
“I had to tell her. I couldn’t go out like that.” He starts to cry. “I didn’t want to hurt her, but I had to tell her. The word junkie didn’t hurt me half as bad as the tears that rolled down her face. They cut like a knife.”
I sit with Slim for an hour or so before I have to leave. I have to meet with my man A.J. He wants another fifty bricks. I have to stop by Desire’s house to get the ones that are there, and then I have to go to my sister’s to get the rest to complete the order.
When I get to Desire’s house, I ring the bell twice. Buzz! Buzz! I hear the peephole. Click! Then I hear the top lock opening. When the door opens, I don’t see anyone at the door. She opens the door slightly. I slide in the little opening. After getting in, I’m greeted by Desire’s naked body. The first thing that catches my attention is her erect nipples. They’re standing attentively. Her nipples are too big for her titties. They look mix and match, like someone glued them on. Her titties are not small; they’re just too small for her oversized nipples. That’s one thing I used to admire about her, her hooters. Even now after three kids they still don’t sag a bit. As she turns around to walk back in the house, her big ass just bounces up and down, one cheek at a time.
She has no shame. Back in the day, Desire never wore clothes while she was home. Maybe now she does, being that she lives with her father and the two boys. But before, whenever I came home, I was welcomed by her nudity. It feels crazy seeing her like this on the count of us not being together anymore. Actually, I feel uncomfortable. I don’t think it bothers her. She’s walking all over the house like she’s fully dressed. She’s not even looking my way. She even has the nerve to stand up on the countertop and stack some dishes away. Through the big gap in between her legs, I can see every dish that’s stacked in the cupboard. I’m just kidding, but whoa! This is too much temptation for a married man.
She continuously bends over to pick up each dish one by one, poking her ass in the air as she slowly stands up. I’m starting to get the impression that she’s trying to turn me on. Every time I look at her, the thought crosses my mind, but Love comes into my mind and wipes the thought out. Love is such a good wife. I would hate to lose her for ten minutes of meaningless fucking. It’s not worth it.
I hurry to Slim’s room, grab the work, and come right back out. On my way through the doorway, there stands Desire. We’re standing face-to-face. “Cash, I have something I want to tell you.”
“Desire, go ahead.”
“Nah, I’m serious,” she claims. “This ain’t about sex! For so long I wanted to apologize to you for leaving you when you needed me the most. I know I turned my back on you, and I know you probably will never forgive me for that. But I apologize. It wasn’t all my fault. You’re part the blame. You spoiled me. You wouldn’t even let me work. All you wanted me to do was stay home and fuck your brains out,” she says sarcastically.
I laugh. That she did. What she’s saying is true. I was so scared that someone would take her from me that I didn’t want her to leave the house.
“Cash, you didn’t even let me cook. We ate out every night. To this day, I still can’t cook. Then when you went away, my world stopped. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any skills. I didn’t even have a high school diploma. What could I do, work at McDonalds? I had two kids to take care of. True indeed, your sister helped, but I had my own needs. You showed me the finer things in life. You helped me develop bad habits. I have a shoe fetish you won’t believe. If a shoe costs less than $300, I can’t wear them. My feet will hurt me all day.” I laugh again. “You laugh, but I’m serious. What was I supposed to do? I had to keep it moving. I had to find someone just like you.”
“Did you find him?”
“No, I didn’t, but I came to the conclusion that it takes four of these half ass niggas to make one of you.” My face heats up. I’m blushing like crazy.
“I hate the fact that you’re married, but I can’t change it; as much as I wish I could, I can’t. I just wish you all the happiness in the world. I know I fucked up, but I’m a big girl.” I look her up and down. Yes you are! “I made my bed, now I have to lay in it.” She falls into me and embraces me. At first, I pull away from her until I hear her crying like a baby. I pat her back, trying to comfort her. The tears are soaking through my shirt. It feels awkward holding her soft, naked body. Love would kill me if she could see this. But it’s totally innocent, except for the bulge that’s growing in my jeans. I know Desire feels it.
Just as I’m letting her loose, I notice a shadow on the front porch. Someone is peeking in the window. I push her away and run to the living room. When I look out the window, no one is there. They must have jumped off the side of the porch. I run out of the house to the front porch. To my surprise, I see a black Denali speeding down the street. He runs the first two red lights. He didn’t expect me to be here. He doesn’t know about my Lincoln; all he knows about is the Benz. He was probably scared to death when he saw me. He thinks I’m still after him for beating on Desire.
I jump in my car and dial Desire’s number. She answers.
“Desire, that was your little boyfriend.”
“Who?” she asks.
“Ice.”
“Later for him,” she shouts. “I don’t know why he still comes here. I told him we’re done.”
“Later Dee!”
“All right Cash!” Click! We hang up.
On my way to the meeting spot, I can’t help but think about what Desire said to me. I never, in all the years I’ve known her, heard her say anything that made that much sense. I truly feel sorry for her. Yeah, she left a nigga when he was down, but it’s over now. I’m back up. Even though she crossed me, I still hope she gets herself together. I really do for my kids’ sake.
CHAPTER 27
One week later
Today they released Slim f
rom the hospital. It’s freezing out here today. It’s so cold they didn’t want to release Slim. They say it could be a hazard with his condition.
These past days have been hectic. It feels strange making moves without my road dog. Slim is like my other set of eyes. He sees whatever I don’t see, or should I say, what I don’t want to see.
I brought him home from the hospital earlier. He didn’t look too good. The doctor said he would be all right as long as he takes his medicine as prescribed. I almost cried, watching my main man barely able to walk. He has to use a cane until he gets his strength back. It took him so long to get from the car to the porch that I finally had to pick him up over my shoulder.
I think that made him feel worse. That must have made him realize how helpless he really is. I know that had to hurt his ego. He grunted as I lifted him. He said his entire body was hurting. He told me what hurt the most was Desire and the boys seeing him like that.
The doctor says some days he’ll be up and others he won’t be able to get out of the bed. He’ll have a nurse to take care of him. She’s supposed to come by every day until he gets better. She has to change him, feed him, and bathe him. The reality of it all has really set in now. I never thought of Slim not being here, but seeing him all fucked up like this makes me realize that he really has the deadly disease, and one day I could wake up and he won’t be here. Damn!
Before I dropped him off, I had to apologize to him for the way I talked to him that day. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he died without me apologizing. I asked him, did he really think I would have him killed. He told me ever since I’ve been back getting money, a lot of things have changed.
He said sometimes I don’t act like the Cash he used to know. I don’t act like the good kid he raised. I act like a greedy hustler who doesn’t care about anything but making more money. He said lately I’ve been acting more like the back-stabbing, shiesty individuals he warned me about. The guys whose main objective is to win no matter what they have to do. I’ve been moving so fast that I haven’t noticed the change in my personality. Have I really turned into that kind of person?
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