I’d spent a lot of my life not only being in the closet, but being comfortable doing it. My family showed me that I didn’t have to stay there, but not everyone was accepting.
As Melissa and my dad’s client showed.
But the family didn’t care. Tib and X didn’t care. If I kept dating Declan—were we dating? If we kept going out, I got the impression that he wasn’t going to be content with me being half in, half out of the closet.
And from his point of view, I got it.
That didn’t change the fact that I’d been shoved into something I’d never thought about, and it was still a world that I wasn’t comfortable with.
Well, I needed to make some changes. Graham might have been a weasel in the end, but his argument about not hiding who he was, who we were together—it had merit.
Even though just fuck him for being a cheating weasel.
Sometimes being a lawyer sucked. You could see both sides without too much trouble, and it was hard to get all indignant.
But I could get indignant about the cheating. He didn’t have the courtesy to just end it. He kept me strung out and dancing to make him happy, even as he knew he’d never give me what I wanted.
When had he started to hate me? Because that’s how you treated people you hated, not loved. I thought that Pricilla, my sister-in-law, might be right when she said I’d dodged a bullet. Just because same-sex marriage was new didn’t mean that divorce was any less expensive.
Enough of Graham. He needed to be he-who-is-a-cheating-weasel-ass-and-not-mentioned. It was time to look forward, to look at Declan.
In spite of he-who-is-a-weasel’s comments, Declan found me attractive, and appealing, and hopefully as sexy as I found him.
He knew I was a part-time mess, and he didn’t seem to mind. He-who-is-a-weasel made everything sound like my fault. While I had them, certainly, I didn’t own all the faults between us.
I pulled into my parking space at the townhouse, and got out, still thinking.
I’d need to make some changes. I couldn’t go back in the closet. I didn’t have to be wearing a pride flag and thigh high patent leather boots, but I could find a balance where I kept my private life to myself, but still allowed myself to be seen as what I was.
A man who’d just had the best date of my life.
So how to move on from here?
16
It turned out that the way to move on was to force yourself out of the house and to interact with other people. Again, it was one of those things that I’d never seen as a problem, but I was more of a shut-in than I’d thought.
Declan called me Saturday night after our date, and we went to the movies. I don’t even remember what we saw, as I was focused on holding his hand, and sitting close to him in the dark theater.
We ended up making out again that night, although it was Declan that pulled away this time, and I left him at his car.
I joined him and his friends for basketball later the next week.
Tibby caught me as I was changing.
“What—or rather, where are you going?”
“I’m getting together with some guys for basketball.”
Her mouth fell open. “I didn’t know that you were into that.”
“I didn’t either, but Declan invited me.”
She crossed her arms, smiled at me like a cat who ate the canary, and said, “Well, don’t try to be the star. You’ll hurt like hell the next day. Have fun,” and she left.
I found that once again, I was nervous when I got to the gym where he said they played. I walked in, and I saw Steve from the restaurant.
“Bryant!” He waved me over. “Hey, man, glad you could make it. You know if Declan’s coming?”
“He said he was,” I said, feeling shy. I wasn’t sure we were a couple, or even anything other than make out partners. I certainly didn’t want to speak for him.
“Great. This is Mark, Tomas, and Heath,” he indicated the three men he was talking to.
I shook hands all around, but was saved from awkward small talk when Declan came up behind me and patted me on the shoulder. “Bryant, I’m glad you were able to get away. He works for a taskmaster,” he said to the other guys.
They laughed. A few more minutes, and the game got going.
I checked out the guys we were playing against. They all seemed to be friends, and I’d bet every one of them was gay.
This was both nice, and weird. I didn’t hang out with a lot of gay guys. More of that whole ‘let’s stay in the closet forever’ thing.
I was finding being with Declan both fun and challenging. Thankfully, the challenges hadn’t been that difficult.
Well, other than being completely trashy and wanting to go to bed with him too soon, and fighting that impulse.
Dating had been a nightmare when I was younger, not only because I was dating the sex I wasn’t truly attracted to. It was still kind of a nightmare, because I wanted to be all trashy, but I didn’t really know what the proper etiquette was. Which made me laugh. Of course I’d be looking at the etiquette of it all. I needed to loosen up. I wanted to. It was a matter of how much.
The games that night were so much fun I joined them for the next two weeks. At the end of the third night, I sat on the bench, wiping my face with a towel, and getting a drink. These nights were fun. Everyone went out for a beer afterward, and I found that I enjoyed that just as much.
They treated Declan and I as a couple although it was really low-key. Since he and I hadn’t progressed much beyond hot make out sessions, I was okay with that. Although I wasn’t sure for how much longer—feeling his body pressed up against mine was sending my self-control right on out the window.
Happy thoughts of how to move things along were foremost in my mind as I looked out across the gym.
Then I nearly choked on my water.
Coming into the gym under the arm of an enormous guy was Graham.
“You all right?” Declan asked, noticing me half-choking.
“I’m good,” I said as soon as I got myself together. “We heading out?” I really, really didn’t want to—what? See Graham up close? Have him see me? I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to face it, or him.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he took my hand as he stood up, pulling me with him. “You guys ready?” He asked the others.
To a chorus of yes’s, we headed out. Please, please, I begged whatever deity might be listening, don’t let Graham see me. I could feel my palm sweating, and I hoped that Declan didn’t notice.
No such fucking luck.
Graham and his giant accessory stopped, and he looked me up and down, a sardonic grin on his face. “Bryant, isn’t this a surprise?”
“Yeah, it is. But we’re done, so see you later,” I said, struggling not to glare at him. Seeing him now, up close, after all I’d learned about what he’d been up to, and what he’d piled onto me made me want to knock the shit-eating grin right off his face.
Preferably into the next state.
“Who’s your friend?” Graham asked.
God, had he always sounded so nasal and catty?
“This is my friend Declan. Declan, this is a former friend of mine, Graham.”
Graham’s eyes widened. Oh, I thought snidely. I guess I was supposed to be pining still? Not ever again.
Graham stuck out his hand, and Declan took it. I liked that Declan definitely won in a comparison side-by-side.
“Good to meet you,” Declan said, no trace of anything in his voice. “We’re on the way out, so have a good evening.”
I noticed no one introduced the giant. Probably the taxi, I thought, still being snide.
Then Declan moved, and I walked with him. I felt him squeeze my hand, and some anger over the bullshit that I’d just stepped in faded. I’d done it. I’d come across Graham, and didn’t fall apart, didn’t make an ass of myself, and didn’t come off as needy and pathetic.
Neither of us spoke as we walked out of the gym. We got to my car, and I tossed
my gear in.
“You okay?” Declan asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“That the ex?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sorry if that was awkward at all.”
Declan didn’t speak, and then I felt him next to me, and his hand was at the base of my skull cupping it, pulling me to him. He kissed me fiercely, holding nothing back.
I forgot that we were in a public area, and I kissed him in the same way, letting all the things I felt for him, and the frustration that we hadn’t gotten any further than kissing fall into the kiss.
“You wanna skip beers tonight?”
“I have a nice bar at my place,” I said.
“Perfect. I’ll follow you,” he said.
He stalked away, and I watched him. There was something different about him, something that was all business, take no shit take no prisoners.
I had a feeling we were going to move beyond the make out stage tonight. Which was fine with me.
But I wondered what prompted it. He’d been so reserved. I thought about it as I drove home. I tried not to speed in my haste to get there.
Declan found parking on the street and joined me as I was unlocking the door. He came up behind me, one arm around my waist grabbing me between the legs, and the other across my shoulders. He kissed the back of my neck and I felt myself go up in flames.
He was so damn sexy.
We fell into my front door, all hands and fumbling as we tore at one another’s clothing. First my shirt, and then his, and I felt his hot skin next to mine. He was still warm from the gym, and I could feel the sheen of sweat across his chest.
It was delicious, and it thrilled me.
“I’ve wanted to see you naked for weeks,” he murmured into my mouth.
“That makes two of us,” I said, backing him up as we kissed.
“Where are we going?” He asked, chuckling as we bumped into the couch.
“The bedroom.”
“Where?”
I pointed up the narrow stairs at the back of the room. He kicked off his shoes, and together, we walked up the stairs. I led him to my room, and when we stepped in the doorway, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me until I thought I was going fall over.
I had never, ever felt this way with anyone else.
“You’re wearing too many clothes,” I said. I pulled at the string of his shorts.
Declan stepped back, and without taking his eyes from mine, he hooked his thumbs in his waistband and pushed the shorts and his boxers down.
Oh my holy God. His cock sprang out, showing that he was just as excited about this as I was.
“Now who’s wearing too many clothes?” He grinned at me.
I was out of my clothes faster than I thought possible. As my shorts hit the floor, I was reaching for Declan, wanting to feel his skin next to mine. I ran my hands through his hair, and then down his back, stopping to grab the ass I’d been watching for what seemed like ages.
It felt as good as it looked. The thought made me grin even as I kissed him.
It was like when you were in high school, and you were so desperate to be with the person you were with that you wanted to crawl inside their skin.
I let my hands come around the front of him, taking his cock in both hands.
He let out a noise that was a cross between a sigh and a hiss.
“That feels so good,” he whispered.
“I’ve wanted to touch you for weeks,” I said.
“Thank God. I thought it might just be me.”
“No. It wasn’t just you,” I said, kissing him again. I walked backwards a few steps until I reached my bed, falling onto it and bringing him with me. His body felt so good against mine.
“Tell me you have a condom,” Declan groaned.
“Oh, hell yes,” I said.
“More than one?” His eyes opened, and he looked at me. The corner of his mouth lifted.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because we’re going to need them.”
“All of them?” I asked. I was thrilled and astounded to hear the teasing note in my voice along with the hunger for him.
“We can try.” He laughed. “We’re not going to sleep yet. Not for quite a while, in fact.”
Those were the best words I’d heard in a long time. True to his promise, we didn’t get to sleep until much, much later.
I woke up just as dawn was breaking through the window and started slightly. There was someone in my bed. It took me a moment to remember who it was, and as I did, I could feel a grin spread across my face.
Declan stirred, and lazily moved an arm up toward me, reaching for me to bring me closer. I let myself relax into his arm. He felt good. He felt right.
I closed my eyes and savored the feeling.
Then I went back to sleep.
The phone rang. It kept ringing. Squinting at the sunlight, I got up and reached for my shorts.
“Yeah?”
“You alive?” Tibby asked.
“Yes. I mean, of course. What time is it?”
“You’re not late, if that’s what you’re wondering. But you didn’t call me last night, and I think you hit your five-date limit. So you have to tell me everything, and you guys are having dinner with me and Seth this weekend.”
“What if I don’t want to, bossy britches?”
“Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we? Get up and get a shower. Otherwise you’re going to be late, slacker.” She hung up.
“What time is it?”
I looked over at Declan, who was stretching with his eyes closed.
“According to my partner, we’re not late, but we will be if we keep lying around like lazy asses,” I said.
“Shit. I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he said, sitting up.
“I’m glad you did,” I said. Was he regretting this?
He turned his mega-watt smile to me. “I am too. But now I need to hustle, get to work.”
“You can shower here. Borrow whatever you need,” I said, surprising myself. I didn’t like to share clothes, but it came out without me even thinking about it.
“I don’t want to be weird, but in the interest of time, I think I will. Thanks, Bryant,” he said, swinging his legs out of bed. He headed for the bathroom.
God, I could watch him walk forever. He was graceful and sleek. Today, he moved like a panther. How had I not noticed this before?
Maybe it was the good sex? I laughed quietly to myself. I know it was the good sex for me although I didn’t know if I would look that hot walking.
I heard the shower start, and I pulled on the shorts, heading down to get the coffee started. At least this wasn’t weird or anything.
By the time I had a pot of coffee made, and pulled out some stuff for breakfast, Declan had finished his shower, and he came down the stairs wrapped in a towel.
I nearly said fuck work and dragged him back upstairs. The water glistening on his chest and shoulders, his dark hair wet and messy—he took my breath away.
“Thank God. You made a whole pot,” he said.
“Yeah, help yourself.” I found it hard to talk. He was so beautiful.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted to share, and I didn’t want to be that guy going through all your shit,” he said.
“Um, okay, let me grab you some stuff. I’ll go get it,” I said, hurrying upstairs before I lost all control.
What the hell was happening to me? I was never like this. I kept myself under control. I didn’t make scenes. Everything was discreet, and tasteful.
Declan blew all those norms right out of the water. I didn’t even care.
I pulled out some clothes and then sent myself to the shower. I didn’t trust myself otherwise. Declan came in while I was in the shower.
The door to the shower was glass, and I could see him watching me on the other side.
“Hey,” he said.
I stopped giving him the side eye and looked over. “Yeah?”
“You are sex on a stic
k. You wanna play hooky today?”
Oh my God. I didn’t answer right away, stunned and thrilled that he was thinking the same things I was. I guess he thought I was hesitating, because he dropped his towel, and came to the door, pressing himself up against it.
“This could be all yours,” he said. Then he slowly turned around, plastering himself against the shower door. He looked over his shoulder and winked and blew me a kiss. “Interested?”
In answer, I opened the shower door and yanked him in with me. I was rock hard, to the point that I was aching. My hands were on his cock as fast as his were on mine. But I had a plan. I dropped to my knees and took him in my mouth.
“Oh, God,” he moaned, throwing his head back. “Jesus, Bryant.”
I didn’t answer. I wanted him to lose control, to bring him to the same place that I was. I sucked harder, not wanting to take my time, or give him time to do anything but hang on.
We were in the shower until the water went cold. It was only through serious focus and staying away from each other that we made it out of my place on time to get to work.
“Call me tonight,” he said. “I mean it. I want to see you tonight.”
“I will.”
“You’re not getting away from me, Higgs,” he said teasingly.
Right there on my street, in front of my house, I kissed him. “I don’t want to.”
“Good thing. I’d hate to go all stalker.”
“Go to work before you make me late. I don’t want to hear it from Tib.”
“Ah, yes. The hard ass.”
“Yeah, laugh it up,” I said. “You get to meet her this weekend.”
His eyes widened. “What?”
I waved a hand at him. “Not so funny now, huh? It’s okay—we’ll talk tonight, okay?”
“Way to scare the shit out of me,” he muttered.
“It will be fine,” now I was laughing.
I was still smiling when I rolled into work. Of course, Tibby was the first person I saw.
17
Oh, holy hell,” she muttered, her coffee cup halfway to her lips. She was at the desk of one of our paralegals, Darcy. “Darce, can this wait a bit?” Tibby didn’t take her eyes off me.
Hidden Wishes Page 13