Hidden Wishes

by Lisa Manifold

  “Sure,” Darcy said. “Hey, Bryant. You look good today,” she added.

  “He sure does,” Tibby said. “I think we need to have a little conference before we get going today,” she said to me.

  “I don’t know why,” I breezed by her. “I’m getting some coffee, and then I must get to work,” I dodged Tibby making a grab for me, which was saying something considering she had coffee in one hand.

  I heard Darcy laugh as I escaped to the break room. Tibby was hot on my heels. I didn’t turn around as I fixed my coffee. When I finally did, she was standing in front of the door.

  “You’re going to tell. All of it.”

  “All of what?” I smiled innocently.

  “All of everything. Because everything is written all over you. What number date was last night?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.” But I did. It was eleven. I’d seen him at the basketball games, and we’d seen each other during those three weeks since we’d gone to Maxime. I just hadn’t told her.

  For this very reason.

  “It’s more than five. So now you get to spill.”

  “What if I don’t want to?”

  “It doesn’t work that way, Bryant. You dated, now tell.” She turned and marched to her office.

  I followed her. There was no way I wouldn’t tell, but I was having fun teasing her. I did, however, make sure to close the door behind me as we entered her office.

  Tibby threw herself in her chair—how the hell did she manage that without spilling her coffee, I wondered.

  “Tell.”

  I recognized my negotiating partner. The one who made opposing attorneys groan because she took no shit, and no prisoners.

  I smiled, because despite that, I knew she’d be thrilled for me.

  “I had a fantastic date last night.”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  I nodded. “Several times, in fact.”

  “And?” Her expression was unreadable.

  “It was incredible. Fucking incredible, Tib. I haven’t felt like that with someone in… I can’t even remember when.” I stopped, taking a drink of my coffee. I knew what I wanted to say, but I was nervous to say it. Tibby knew me, and she would know what I was saying. “I was so uptight with Graham, and there was always so much other shit with us—”

  “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

  I nodded. “I didn’t either, but being with Declan is like seeing relationships in a completely different light.” I didn’t add that I was doing a shit ton of soul searching to boot. No need to give her all the juicy aspects right this second.

  We did need to get to work at some point.

  “And it blows my mind,” I continued. “So last night… oh God.”

  “What?”

  “We were at the basketball court in the gym, and right as we finished and were heading out, Graham came in with some huge beefcake.”

  “Jesus, that guy is like herpes,” Tibby muttered. “He doesn’t ever leave, does he? It’s not like we live in a small town or something.”

  “Yeah, he does keep turning up.”

  “Okay, so what happened?”

  “I introduced him to Declan—and he didn’t introduce me to the beefcake, and we left.”

  “And?”

  “And then we went back to my place and had the hottest sex I have ever had in my life. I don’t even know why it happened like that. It was like an explosion or something. He was on a mission when we got to my place.” I thought about it. Something had been driving him, and while I wasn’t complaining, I wondered what it was.

  “You guys didn’t talk?”

  “Pshaw,” I said, taking a gruff tone. “That’s wimmenz stuff.”

  “Whatever,” she rolled her eyes. “So you have no idea what moved things from make out to hot sex?”

  “It was about time? It’s been over a month.”

  Tibby shook her head. “No, there was something else.”

  “I hate it when you’re right,” I muttered.

  “I wish you’d remember I’m usually right,” she grumbled. “What do you think it is?”

  “I have no idea, but I suppose we’ll talk about it. Now that you brought it up and put that maggot in my head.”

  “It was already there, so hold your fire,” she said.

  “Yeah, it was. And I’m not complaining. I was ready to move to something more than crazy making out. It made me feel like a teenager again.”

  Tibby grinned. “That’s not always a bad thing, Bry.”

  “Maybe not for you. I was thrilled to get out of my teenage years.”

  “I swear, you’re like twenty-eight going on fifty sometimes.”

  “One of us has to be the adult,” I shot back. This wasn’t anything new.

  “Okay, go to work,” she said abruptly.

  “That’s it?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Don’t you want more of the post-mortem?”

  Tibby laughed. “I would love it, but I know who I’m dealing with. And it’s no good trying to get you to talk feelings. I’d bet you’re just starting to figure them out for yourself. I think this guy could be good for you. I’m seeing a different side of you. A more relaxed side. But I’ll reserve judgement until this weekend.”

  “I didn’t say we were coming.”

  “Like you’re going to turn me down,” Tibby scoffed. “Please.”

  “How about you let me ask him, and then I’ll let you know?”

  “Well, I suppose.” She sighed dramatically.

  “Thank you, boss.”

  “Think nothing of it.”

  I got up. At the door I stopped and looked back at her. “I love you, you know.”

  “I know. Love you, too, stuffed shirt.”

  Things were back to normal. She wouldn’t interrogate me again until after I brought Declan by for inspection.

  Although part of me wondered why I cared so much what Tibby thought, I knew that I was looking forward to this. I wanted her to see us together, to tell me what she saw.

  Because I knew I’d never felt this way before. I hoped it showed to the point that other people saw it.

  And as Tibby said, we still had to have the sex talk. And oh hell. The ex talk. And who knew what else?

  Despite all that, I wasn’t worried.

  It was a novel, and enjoyable feeling. Which kept me smiling all day.

  My cell rang later that day, and when I saw that it was him on the caller ID, my smile got larger. I didn’t know how it was possible.

  “Hey,” I answered it, my voice warm.

  “Hey, yourself. What time are you free?”

  “I can be out of here by five, five-thirty at the latest.”

  “Good. Can I cook you dinner tonight?”

  “I’d love it,” I said.

  “Great. I’m going to text my address. Come over when you’re done.”

  “Okay.”

  “I can’t wait to see you,” he added.

  “I can’t wait to see you,” I said.

  “Great. All right, I’ll see you tonight.”

  I heard the promise in his voice, and I could feel the heat from last night shoot through me like he was standing next to me.

  The end of the day couldn’t come fast enough. When it finally hit five, I said, “Fuck it.” I closed down my laptop and put all my files away. I stuck my head in Tibby’s door on the way out.

  “I’m leaving.”

  “Okay. Don’t be a hussy.”

  “Whatevs,” I rolled my eyes and left, hearing her laughter behind me.

  Declan didn’t live far from the office, or me. That was nice. I drove over, sizing up the parking. I’m not kidding—you have to take parking into account everywhere you go here. I found a spot on his block, and I headed for his place.

  It was hard not to run. When was the last time I’d been this excited?

  I thought about that, and the answer wasn’t something I wanted to think about at the
moment, so I pushed it aside. I ran lightly up the stairs to his place and pushed the doorbell, hearing the pounding of my own heart.

  A moment and then Declan opened the door with that smile on his face that could light up the world.

  “Right on time,” he said. He reached for me and gave me a small kiss as he drew me in the door. “Come in.”

  I followed him in, looking around as I did so. I liked a simple, clean look. It had been the despair of Tibby when we lived together. But I liked as little clutter as possible. It made it easier for me to relax.

  Declan’s home was fairly simple, but he liked warmer colors than I did. The kitchen was in the back of the house, and as I came in, I saw that the kitchen was one that a foodie would have. That could be a good thing. Like the rest of the house I’d seen so far, it was simple and clean.

  “Wine?” He waved a bottle at me.

  “Yes, please,” I said. I found that I was nervous, and I didn’t know exactly why. I mean, I knew why, but as to which aspect… it could be several. “Is this yours?”

  He looked around with a smile. “No, it’s rented. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here, so the company helped me find a place. I like it though. It’s simple.”

  He handed me a glass of something red, and I took a bigger drink than I planned because I still had a case of the nerves, which made me choke.

  “You all right?” Declan was all concern.

  I held up a hand, covering my mouth as I coughed. I was all sorts of smooth, I thought.

  “Sorry,” I said when I caught my breath. “Went down the wrong way.”

  “Oh, well, good. I’d hate to think I had shitty wine,” he said with a smile. “But that suggests I’m glad you nearly choked to death in my kitchen.”

  We both laughed.

  “Here. Sit.” Declan pointed to the small island. He went to the sink and brought me back a glass of water before he moved back toward the stove.

  “So you want to talk now, get it out of the way?” He asked. His back was to me, and his tone was casual.

  Oh, he was good. “Okay.”

  “I don’t think we were rushing things last night,” he said to the pot he leaned over.

  “I don’t think so either.”

  “But I got the feeling it surprised you,” he said. At that he turned and looked at me, eyebrows raised.

  “It did,” I said. “I’m not complaining, but I wasn’t expecting sex last night.”

  “Make my ego feel better and tell me that you were at least thinking about it,” he said, and I could hear the laughter in his words.

  “Oh, God, yes.”

  “Thank God. I didn’t want to be the only sex mad one.”

  “Not even close,” I said fervently.

  “It was incredible,” he turned around again. There wasn’t a hint of humor anywhere on him.

  “Yes, it was,” I smiled.

  “But unexpected. For me, anyway. I wanted to talk to you about it.”

  “What is there to say?”

  “Was that your ex we met at the gym?”

  I was so glad his back was to me. “Yes.”

  “God, he was really shitty,” Declan glanced over his shoulder again. “I’m sorry. And I could see that he wanted to be cruel. You handled it well, by the way.”

  I sighed. “Thank you. It was pretty shitty. I was surprised, because he wasn’t like that with me, but there are things…” I stopped. How far did I want to go with this? Be honest, Declan had told me. I’d spent my whole life hiding. Being less than honest.

  “Well, he wasn’t the person I thought he was. Honestly, he pissed me off. Rather than make a scene which I think he would have liked, I decided to get the hell out of there.”

  “Who ended it?”

  “He did.”

  “Did you ask him to try again?”

  How did he know this? Or was I just that transparent? “I did.”

  “Yeah, I thought so. Some guys just can’t resist being an asshole about the whole thing. Sorry to disappoint you, but we won’t run into any of my exes here,” he grinned at me.

  “I think I can live with the disappointment,” I said dryly.

  “I’m making a mess of this,” Declan said, turning around and putting his hands on the island. “I wasn’t smooth at all, and I kept worrying that you’d think I was a pushy bastard, or something like that. But I saw your face, I knew that guy was out to hurt you, and I wanted you to know that whatever he was trying to tell you, it’s not true.”

  I opened my mouth, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. No one had ever said anything so kind, so loving, to me.

  “I don’t even know what he was trying to say, but it was bitchy and cruel, and I couldn’t stand it.” Declan looked worried.

  I set down the glass I’d been holding and took his hand. “I’m glad you did it. I was starting to go crazy with figuring out how to make the next move. You know, after I told you my sad tale, and…”

  Declan held up a hand. “I asked you for honesty. That means always, not just when it’s convenient. Exes are never convenient,” he added.

  “Yeah, you can say that again,” I said.

  “Okay, so we’re all good?”

  “Yes, but if you don’t feed me soon, we won’t be.”

  “Oh, well your wish is my command,” Declan smiled, and his voice was sultry.

  My blood raced through me, and I fell into his eyes, lost in the blue like you’d see in the ocean.

  “Then my command is to feed me,” I answered, my voice a little ragged with all the things I wanted to do to him. With him.

  He smiled.

  We did manage to eat before having sex on the kitchen floor. And then in the bedroom, and the bathroom.

  I fell asleep in his bed, Declan turned toward me. His breathing was soft, and I could tell he was asleep or nearly so. His arm was thrown over my waist. The smell of him was everywhere.

  It felt right.

  It felt like home.

  18

  The next couple of weeks were the best of my life. I didn’t think about the wish I’d made, or what it meant, because I was too busy living. When I did think about it, my thoughts were wasn’t this the point? To make changes, and live? I pushed thoughts of the wish aside.

  Thankfully, Dhameer didn’t put in an appearance. It would have forced something I wasn’t ready for.

  Everything with Declan was like learning it all over again. Not just the relationship aspects, but going out to a new restaurant, or taking a run along the canal together. He wasn’t from the area, so we went up to Great Falls and took the canal boat tour. It was pulled by mules. We held hands on that trip, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like everyone was looking at me, saying, there are the gay guys, and judging.

  I didn’t notice anyone look at me at all. Because I was too busy being me and being with my boyfriend.

  It was a revelation.

  Our dinner with Tibby and Seth had been fantastic, and things had only gotten better from that point on. It felt like I was living in a fairy tale. I’d never been so happy.

  I’d had dinner with my family in that time, and they all noticed the difference in me. I wasn’t ready to tell them about Declan, what with Melissa still being an ass. I just said that I was moving on from my earlier disappointment, and I was glad that I didn’t look as bad as I had been.

  My mother squeezed my hand as I left the house and told me she loved me with a rather pointed look. There’d be time to tell her. I kissed her and told her I loved her too.

  Truth was, I wasn’t ready to share him. I wanted to enjoy life with just the two of us, getting to know him better, learning his likes (eggs benedict at any time of the day) and dislikes (he was allergic to dandelions. We laughed at how he’d discovered that—teasing his sisters and getting them shoved up his nose). I didn’t want to have the world intrude just yet.

  But as the priest says, Man proposes but God disposes. The world wouldn’t be denied.
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  We were out on the patio at my house on a Saturday morning. Both of us were on our laptops. I was reading something from work, and I didn’t know what he was doing. He made a noise, and I looked over. His brows were furrowed, a sure sign of distress. I’d been with him long enough to know that look.

  Not that it had ever been directed at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “It’s from my mom.”

  “What’s up?”

  “My dad is in the hospital.”

  “Why didn’t she call?”

  “She said there are no cell phones allowed, and she doesn’t want to cry on the phone with me. I have to go back, Bry,” he said, looking up at me.

  “Of course you do,” I said. I reached over and touched his arm. It felt weird to be so sad when the sun shone and I was so happy, but I hurt for him. “What can I do?”

  “Nothing, right now. I just need to get home. I’m going to book a flight tonight if I can.”

  “Okay,” I said. I wondered if I should ask him if he wanted me to come with him and then stopped myself. He didn’t need to be dealing with a new relationship when his dad was sick.

  “Listen, if you need me, I’ll be there the same day,” I said. I wanted him to know he could count on me that I was there for him to lean on.

  He shot me a grateful look. “I appreciate that. But as much as I’d love it, I’m going to pass right now. My mom will get all weird, and feel like she’s supposed to be a hostess, and it will make me crazy.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a particularly happy sound. “You don’t need to see all my family shit right now.”

  “Hey, you’re talking to the baggage collector, remember?”

  He smiled, but it was strained. He got up and took the laptop inside with him.

  A cold thread of fear wound its way through me, but I dismissed it. I hoped that his dad would be okay.

  I kissed him as I dropped him off at the airport that night. He’d protested, but I said no one wanted to take the Metro if they didn’t have to. It was a long ride. He held my hand all the way there.

  “Take care of yourself,” he said. “You’re bad about being too hard on yourself.”

  “You do the same,” I said. I was worried. He wasn’t the same guy I’d been getting to know these past couple of months.