The thing that upsets me most is that Steel thinks I didn’t come back for him. He probably long forced any thoughts of me out of his head. I feel so terrible.
I don’t remember the name of the carnival. All I remember is that the logo had a clown on it. A zillion carnivals have clowns in their logos. I never knew there were so many clowns before I spent hours online trying to find out the name of Steel’s carnival.
Too bad my best friends won’t help me. I can’t believe they’ve taken the side of my parents on this. I feel so alone, which only makes me more desperate to find him.
“Actually, Barbara, I’ll take my coffee to go.”
“Uh-huh.”
I always have my coffee here, it’s part of my Saturday routine. But today, I’m tired of it. Tired of it all.
With cup in hand, I get into my car. There’s something I’ve been thinking of ever since that night with Steel, and I’m finally going to go through with it.
First, I send a quick text to my mother.
Going Christmas shopping in Raleigh
I wonder what she’ll get me for Christmas this year. A chastity belt or something nicer?
I Google tattoo parlors in Raleigh. I know better than to step anywhere near one in the remote area, and phone the one with the highest rating.
“The Ink Spot,” a gruff man’s voice says.
“Hi, do you have any appointments free today?”
“What were you thinking of getting? Is it something big or small? Do you know the design?”
“I just want a small rose, but I don’t have a design for it.”
“That’s okay, we’ve got plenty of roses to choose from. Can you make it at two?”
“I think so.” It’ll be tight, and I’ll have to put my foot down a little on the highway to make it.
“Okay, I’ll put you down.”
I give him my name and number and hang up. After ramming my phone into my purse, I turn on my car and head to Raleigh. My chest is bursting with anticipation.
Steel’s right. If I want a tattoo, I should get one. No one ever has to know but me, and hopefully him. Even if someone does find out, it’s my body and none of their business anyway.
By the time my hands connect with the tattoo parlor doors, my tummy is fluttering with equal parts nerves and excitement.
“Hi, I’m here for my two o’clock appointment.”
A man who looks twice my age stands and says, “The rose?”
“Yep, that’s me.”
The man pulls out a big binder and opens it to some laminated pages of rose designs.
“These are the roses,” he says.
“I want to be able to wear a bikini without it being seen.”
“No problem, I can put it anywhere you want.”
“And the size?”
“Whatever you want, I can do.”
I’ve always pictured having a red rose bud, and it doesn’t take me long to zero in on the one I like best.
“That one,” I say.
It’s perfect and I’m crazy excited. I’m finally going to have something I’ve wanted for a long time, and it’s all because of Steel. I need to find him again, whatever the cost.
The Memory Remains
(Steel)
I am so sick of looking at, smelling and being covered in bright yellow paint. Papa Smurf has me painting the whole damn Zipper by myself. Asshole.
Any other year I would’ve loved it, because it means not finding a job for the winter months. This year it just feels like he’s abusing me because he knows he has information I want. Information I’d do anything to get.
I can’t help this feeling in my gut, that I should be hitching around North Carolina, going from town to town to find Emily myself. It would be faster than playing his fucking game. Assuming I didn’t freeze to death sleeping on park benches in the middle of winter.
My Googling must be getting close to finding her town. It would be a lot easier if they didn’t all look the fucking same, but I have to be getting close. I have to.
Razor said I’d forget all about her by Christmas, but she’s stuck in my head even more.
I have to find her. And I will.
Papa Smurf walks across the lot, and I fling down the paintbrush to chase after him.
“Tell me the name of the town,” I say, balling my fists.
“The painting’s not done.”
“I don’t fucking care. The painting’s never going to be done, because I’ve had enough. I’m going to find her, with or without your help.” I puff my chest at him, my nostrils flare.
“Steel, calm down,” he says putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s not what you think. I seen carnies like you fall hard for townies before, and it never ends good for them. You’ve been with me since you was a teen, and I don’t want to see you get hurt like that.” His voice is smooth, and he is saying the most genuine thing any father figure has ever said to me in my life.
“It’s not like that. She’s different.”
“I heard that before, too.”
“I’m going to find her, with or without you.”
“Think about it long and hard first is all I’m saying. One night is one thing, but you’ll find out the hard way that you’re from a different world than her, and that the outside world don’t approve of us. Her folk ain’t ever going to think otherwise. The prejudices against us run deep, don’t never forget it.”
I shake my head at him and walk away, trying to digest his words. Everyone always paints carnies as no good, but Emily’s different. I’m sure of it.
Love Walked In
(Emily)
“My regular latte, please, Barbara.” Each of my Saturday lattes marks another week since I spent the night with Steel. It’s already February, and in my heart I thought I’d find him before Valentine’s Day. But that’s this week, and now in my heart is heavy with the fact that it’s not going to happen.
I still look at my tattoo in the mirror every day, picturing what it will be like to show Steel. And what his reaction will be.
My Googling still hasn’t gotten me very far, despite the number of hours I’ve spent searching the internet. But I have a new plan. A plan that will solve three of my problems at once — my over-protective parents, the snitty snits of this town and, most of all, finding Steel.
I’m going to apply for a job at the carnival. I found a website that’s exclusively for carnival jobs. And I’m going to apply for all the ones in the Carolinas. Then I’ll figure out which one is Steel’s, and join it.
I’ve sent emails to all the ones I could find already, but I said I was looking for Steel instead of looking for a job. Not a single one responded to me.
My mind’s made up. I am running away to join the carnival.
“Here you go, Emily,” Barbara says, passing me my coffee to go. I haven’t had it to stay since the day I got my tattoo.
“Thanks.”
“I’m still praying for your family.”
Barbara still says that, every Saturday without fail. I’ve never acknowledged her comment. Because her comment doesn’t acknowledge me.
Without regret, I turn and open the door to the main street in town. Or rather, the only non-residential street in town. I take a step out, hoping I don’t run into any other gossipers.
“Goldie,” Steel’s deep voice coats my skin in goose bumps and makes my heart starts pounding at ninety miles an hour.
I turn around to find him walking up behind me, his Hollywood smile beaming at me. My heart melts at his sight, and my entire body starts buzzing.
“You came back for me,” I say, my face beaming.
“Course I did.” My heart leaps at his words.
“Listen, we can’t really talk on the street, all the town busybodies are out.”
“Sure.” Steel makes a grunting noise. He probably thinks I’m crazy, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like. Or maybe, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks and thinks I’m being silly.
But
I have to be careful. No one can think we’re together. Otherwise my dad will be on my ass before I knew what hit me. And lord knows what he’d do to Steel.
He follows me to my car, and I make him get in the backseat and lie down.
As I hop into my car, I glance in the backseat. Steel’s face beams up at me from his position lying curled up in the backseat. Good thing he had the foresight to put his legs behind the driver’s seat so we can talk.
“Stay down so no one can see you. Do you have any idea how much shit I’ve been through because of that night? My parents locked me in my room when they found out. That’s why I didn’t come back to see you the next night, I couldn’t.”
“You didn’t?” He heaves a sigh of relief. “My boss got pissed off and made me leave that day, so I wasn’t there that night. I’ve been worrying all this time about you thinking I skipped town on you.”
My eyes widen at his words. I’m so relieved he didn’t think I bailed on him.
I want him in the front seat, but can’t risk it in town. I start driving and head out down one of the country lanes. When we’re a little ways out of town, I pull the car to the side of the road.
“You can come up here now,” I say.
“About time,” Steel says, climbing into the front passenger seat.
As he’s doing up his seatbelt, our eyes catch and we freeze. Our faces are inches apart and neither one of us moves. My insides melt and explode at the same time. I still can’t believe he came back for me.
“You’re even more beautiful than I’ve been fantasizing about,” he says.
“You’ve been fantasizing about me?”
“Only every second I’ve been out of this town.” The comment makes me burst with joy.
“I might be guilty of that too.”
“Yeah, I’d be fantasizing about myself if I was you, too,” he says with a broad smile.
I burst out laughing.
“I meant about you.”
“Oh, you meant me?” He says, cupping the back of my head.
His smile is back, and I have to close my eyes and open them again in order to believe it’s real. And all for me.
Steel’s nose grazes mine, and his hand cupping my head tilts it. My lips part as his soft lips press against mine. He’s really here. At first he didn’t seem real, like I might’ve been imagining his return, but now his kiss puts any doubt of hallucinations out of my head.
His lips are the most wonderful feeling in the world, and make all the pain and loneliness of the past few months vanish.
A pickup flies past us, bringing me back to reality.
I put my hand on his chest, and say, “We can’t here. We’re not far enough out of town.”
“What’s the matter with the town?”
“It’s small.”
“And full of people who don’t mind their own damn business?”
“You got it. Is your car parked in town?”
“Don’t got a car, I hitched.”
“Okay, at least we don’t have to worry about it.” How can he not have a car?
Putting my car in gear, I carry on down the country road. I intend to go to Woburn, the nearest big town, just to make sure no one sees us. It won’t take long. Thirty minutes max, once I get back to a decent-sized road.
“Where’re you staying?” I ask. I don’t want him to stay at the one motel in town, as everyone will figure out who he is sooner rather than later, and someone will probably confront him. Most likely my father.
“Haven’t figured that out yet.”
“Huh?”
“I just got to your town this morning, and I’ve been hanging out on the street.”
“Good thing you didn’t do that. My father might have seen you and kicked your ass.”
“What the hell went on here after I left?”
“You don’t even want to know. Let’s just say, my father freaked out and the whole town’s talking.”
“So leave,” he says.
“I can’t just leave.”
“Sure you can.”
Stranger in a Strange Land
(Steel)
“There’s a place up here we can get a coffee at and talk,” Emily says.
“Sounds good to me.”
We carry on driving down the country road, eventually turning left onto a main road. The closed space of the car is filled with her rosy scent. It’s exactly how I remembered it, and each inhale makes me want her more.
“Did you freak too, like your dad?” I ask.
“What do you think?”
“I think you didn’t, not after the way you yelled my name in the bunkie.”
Her cheeks turn bright red and she stares at the road ahead of her.
“I’m just kidding, Goldie, it wasn’t just the way you yelled my name.” She’s the only person I’ve ever talked to, really talked to, instead of just shooting the shit. I’m sure it was the same for her.
“I knew there was something more between us,” she says, her voice quiet and hard to hear over the noise of the car.
I reach over and put my hand on her thigh, the way I did that evening in the Zipper. The warmth from her leg fills me, washing away the freezing cold stuck in my bones from the three days it took to hitch here.
We spend the rest of the twenty-minute drive talking and laughing. It’s like we’ve never been apart. Or like we’ve known each other forever.
The coffee place looks like a truck stop, the kind of place I feel at home in after all the years spent on the road, going from town to town and state to state. I get out of the car and glance down the road, tall signs advertising gas stations, fast food joints and motels line the street.
We each have a drip coffee and sit on opposite sides of a booth. We continue to talk, through three whole cups of coffee.
“What are your plans?” Emily asks, changing the subject.
“My plans?”
“Yeah, how long are you staying in town? Are you still working at the carnival?”
Fuck if I know, I haven’t thought that far ahead. All my focus has been on getting back to her.
“Don’t know. All I was thinking about was finding you.”
“Well, you found me,” she says with a coy smile while tilting her head.
Plans don’t matter much to carnies. I feel like a fish out of water.
“My plan was to find you and now I’ve done that, it’s to be with you.” Emily’s eyes sparkle and she hooks her foot around mine under the table. Her actions cause a huge smile on my face. “And that’s my plan.”
“I like that plan. But where are you going to stay?”
As if I’ve thought that far ahead. Doesn’t she get the way I live? Looking out the window, I see a Motel 6 sign down the road.
“Figure I’ll stay at a motel while I figure out what we’re going to do.”
“Isn’t that going to be expensive? I mean, how long are you going to stay there?”
“Don’t matter how long I have to stay there, as long as it’s near you, I’ll pay the price.”
What am I going to do? Find a nine-to-five job? The same jobs I’ve been criticizing my whole life?
“Shit,” Emily says, pulling her phone out of her purse. “I didn’t text my parents, they’re probably wondering why I’m not back from the coffee shop.”
“What business is it of theirs?”
“I don’t want them to worry. Normally, I would’ve been home hours ago.”
“I hope you’re telling them you won’t be back any time soon.” She’d better not rush off on me.
“I’m telling them I’ve gone shopping at the mall. They won’t expect me back soon.”
“Say you’ve gone with your friends.”
“I don’t do much with my friends anymore. Not since that night.”
“Fuck, seriously?” Am I that hated just because I’m a carny?
“We’re still friends, just not as close. They didn’t support me when I said I was going to find you. All they did was
try to stop me.”
I lean back into the booth and look up at the ceiling, Papa Smurf’s words rattling through my head, ‘You’ll find out the hard way that you’re from a different world than her, and the outside world don’t approve of us.’
Maybe no one in her life approves of me, but she does, and that’s all that matters.
Emily sets her phone on the table and says, “What are we going to do?”
“I’m getting real tired of having this table between us. Let’s go check into my motel.”
We get back in her car, and I direct her to the Motel 6. It’s forty bucks a night, and that’s going to add up fast. I don’t want to blow my savings on it. I’m going to have to find another solution.
Sliding the key into the lock, I open the door. The overpowering smell of Lysol hits me, but at least it’s clean. Other than that, it’s your standard two double beds and ugly pictures on the wall motel room.
“Are you finally going to show me the rest of your tattoos?” Emily asks with her killer smile as she goes through the doorway.
It’s all I’ve been thinking about all these months.
“Wait here, I need a quick shower.”
“Okay,” she says, shrugging.
I half expected her to ask to join me, but then I realize this is Emily, the good girl. Who’s still a virgin.
Stepping into the hot flow, I stand still while I let the water wash over me. After three days of hitchhiking in big-rigs, I could stand here all day. But I don’t want to keep her waiting. After ripping the paper off a tiny bar of soap, I thoroughly clean myself and shut off the water.
My clean clothes are in my backpack, which is still in the bedroom area. With only a towel tied around my waist, I leave the bathroom.
Emily is sitting back on the bed, looking at her phone. Good, I’m glad she’s relaxed and not perched on the edge of the bed or something.
When she notices I’ve come back in the room, she looks up. Not very far up — her eyes seem to be stuck on my abs. When I take a step in her direction, her eyes move down to my legs. I realize she’s seeing the tattoos on my lower legs for the first time, and stay still while she examines them. My dick is twitching under the heat of her gaze, the towel shows each little movement.
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