“I have somewhere I need to be,” I lied. I didn’t know if I could go back to the townhouse, didn’t know if I could face Levi. I didn’t know what could be said or what needed to be said.
“Yeah, me too.” The guy’s tone was as insincere as mine was, and that old maw inside of me opened. I could get what I needed out of this guy. He could give me what I wanted.
Levi was having misgivings. I understood that. He couldn’t understand why I craved sex, what it displaced inside of me. If he knew what was inside of me, he’d never stop having sex with me. If he wanted to help me so badly, then he’d understand that his participation was required to drive my demons out of me. Instead, he’d recommended this place to me. He didn’t know what drove me to act the way that I did, and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to tell him. It wasn’t something I was interested in telling anyone.
What Levi didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
He’d never so much as guess that I’d gone to a meeting for sex addicts and picked someone up just outside the hall. The sex would be quick, impersonal, scratching the itch. It wouldn’t hurt anyone. I could get it out of the way—maybe even set something up on the regular, just so Levi wouldn’t be so damn suspicious of my sexual motivation anymore. He’d even be proud of me—going to the meetings every day. It would just be my secret that I was meeting up with this dark-haired guy, or any guy, for sex. My appetite for Levi wouldn’t be quite as strong. He’d think the meetings were curing me, and I could embrace that normality for as long as it lasted—as long as nothing bad happened to me in the city as I sought out anonymous sex, and as long as Levi didn’t find out any of my secrets or this secret, second life I was about to embark on.
As long as…nothing. As long as nothing. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t pretend like I was going to do this.
I was angry that Levi had suggested this kind of meeting, had called me out on my problem, and had gotten so close to understanding me that I’d pulled away.
But I couldn’t be angry at him. He’d only wanted the best for me. He truly did want to help me. And if I hooked up right now, with this dark-haired guy, I’d feel good for a moment, but terrible for the rest of my stupid life.
I turned on my heel and walked briskly away from the guy, ignoring his shouts at my back, walking in the direction of the townhouse.
In the direction of home.
Chapter 11
Maybe I’d been able to resist it, but that awful maw was still open inside of me. I walked down the sidewalk and wrapped my arms around me in the growing chill. Typical—I hadn’t dressed warmly enough. The sweater I’d pulled on in my haste to flee from Levi was doing what it could against the winter night, but it would’ve been better served with a coat. And a scarf. And probably a pair of gloves and hat, too.
When would I learn how to take care of myself?
The only thing I could think of right now was finding something to put in that maw. It gaped open, making me question everything. Could I really be addicted to sex, like those people in that room? I felt helpless in the face of the void inside of me, hopeless about being able to move past it. What had happened to me, the terrible thing to make it yawn open in the first place, wasn’t something that sitting around in a rented hall would solve. It didn’t feel like anything could solve it, except a time machine and a gun.
Since I had neither at my disposal, I had to cope, and I only had one way I knew how to cope.
I needed sex. I needed it immediately.
It was only because of Levi that I’d turned down the dark-haired guy from the meeting. Only because of how disappointed I thought he’d be in me. And how disappointed I’d be in myself for betraying Levi.
Maybe Levi and I didn’t have such a traditional relationship, but we had enough of something for me to know that I’d be ruining it by fucking someone else. It didn’t matter if the sex would be meaningless for me, just a way to scratch a very deep itch. It would mean something to Levi, and that was why I hadn’t done it.
Why I had to do it.
I hugged myself and trudged onward, trying to ignore the shapes of men who passed me, ready to grab one and drag him into a nearby alleyway, unbuttoning my pants, taking his cock in my hand, putting it inside, moving against it until I was more like myself again, able to be in control for a little while….
No. What was wrong with me? I shook my head free of that potent imagining and moved on, walking so fast that it eventually became more efficient to break out into a jog. My breath puffed out in front of me before sweeping past me as I dodged around people. This city was so full of them, so full of possibilities. I could be with any of them and no one would know—not like it was in my small town, when everyone knew I’d give it away for next to nothing. The stares I’d gotten back then were nothing. I welcomed them, liking the knowledge that everyone knew. It was fantastic advertising. I should’ve demanded a bigger paycheck from Mr. Trenton, who owned the bar, because I’d estimate a good half of the customers were only there to have sex with me, not drink his liquor. The very real rumors of my sexual appetite were their own viral campaign.
Here, I was anonymous. No one knew me. I could have anyone, take anything, and the only person who would know would be me. I could keep it from Levi. I could keep that secret. He wouldn’t have to know…but I would. He’d been so kind. He was only trying to help me, sending me, however inadvertently, to that meeting.
And how was I about to pay him back? With sex with some stranger I would take right on these cold streets, then going home to Levi with someone else’s seed inside of me?
I put my head down and jogged. I wished for everyone to become invisible—as invisible as I was in a crowd. No one knew me here…except for the threat Levi had mentioned.
Thinking about just what the threat could entail was actually a welcome distraction from my own flailing. That dark-haired guy from the meeting had seemed pretty interested in me, but I couldn’t remember having ever seen him before in my life. There probably wasn’t even a possibility of him being the threat.
Whatever it was, Levi was taking it seriously.
I entered the house, surprised that the butler hadn’t been there to yank the door open for me, always somehow aware that I was approaching the doorstep. There weren’t any good smells emanating from the kitchen, and I couldn't map what room the maids were currently working on by the echo of the sprayed air fresheners, the wisp of the broom against the floor.
I was afraid the townhouse was empty—maybe it had all been a dream, after all, and I’d been accidentally squatting in some vacant home, consumed with my delusion of escape, when I heard a sound behind me. I whirled around, frightened, to find Levi.
“Where is everyone?” I blurted out. My cheeks burned with my exertion, and I realized I was more hot than cold now. I shed my sweater right there and then, dropping it on the wood floor, standing in only a thin camisole, sweating.
“I let everyone go.”
“Let them go? Go where?” Next to come off were my sneakers and my jeans. My flesh was cold to the touch, but my long jog burned me from the inside out. I shook out my legs, trying to loosen the tight muscles, aware that I was shivering and panting at the same time.
Aware of the way Levi was looking at me, and liking it.
“I fired them,” he said. “Effective immediately.”
That gave me pause. “Why would you do something like that?” I demanded. “What happened?”
“You said you hadn’t been in contact with anyone outside of the house,” he said. “But the threat I’m investigating mentioned you by name. If you haven’t told anyone you’re living here with me, if there’s no one to tell, then it has to be someone close to you. My staff was here every day. They were the only ones who knew you besides me.”
“So you fired them.”
“That’s right.”
“Because of me.”
“Because of the threat.”
I shook my head. “No. Those people were devoted t
o you. They lost their jobs because of me.”
“Because I’m trying to keep you safe.”
I pressed my head between my hands as hard as I could. “You can’t keep me safe.”
“I can do whatever I think I can to keep you safe,” he argued. “Was there a member of my staff who I thought was the source of the threat? Probably not. But maybe they talked to someone outside of this house about your arrival. I have to eliminate every risk, every possibility until we can narrow it down. We can do without the maids and the chef for a while, can’t we? Did you get too used to them?”
“They’re people, Levi,” I exclaimed. “You can’t just fuck with their lives because of me. I don’t even believe in this threat. Who would threaten me? Who would actually want to do something to you? If it really was my brother who was targeted in the shooting, then whoever it was already got what they wanted. You don’t know. Maybe my brother was talking to someone. Maybe he was the one at fault.”
The maw was bigger than I was, and it was widening. I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore, didn’t know who or what I was trying to defend. I felt bad that four people had lost their jobs just because I’d started living here. And I felt bad that someone had mentioned me by name in threatening Levi. It just felt like everywhere I went, I spread badness. It was probably something rotten inside of me, vestiges of the poison that had happened to me. I probably secreted it in my bodily fluids, exhaled it, and it infected people.
I just needed relief from it. Release.
“Where did you even go?” Levi asked. “You can’t just storm out of here, into the city. New York isn’t like where you came from. It’s a lot bigger. A lot more dangerous.”
“Everywhere is dangerous,” I said distractedly, slipping out of my panties and my camisole. I was naked in front of him, watching carefully how I affected him. His nostrils flared like he sensed something he liked. He shifted his stance, trying to stem the flow of blood to his crotch, trying to hide his growing bulge.
“Where did you go, Meagan?” he asked, clearing his throat.
“I went for a walk.”
I crossed the foyer until I was standing just a matter of inches away from him. He wanted me, but he didn’t want to be wanting me in this moment. He wanted to talk about serious things, including my whereabouts, the ever-present threat to our safety, the nature of my appetites. It delighted me much more than it should’ve that he was imperfect, just like me.
Much more perfect than me, of course, but not without his flaws. Levi couldn’t ignore the ripe fruit dangled in front of him. Just like I couldn’t ignore the needs of that fucking maw inside of me. And it needed sex.
“You were gone all day,” Levi said. “I was worried. I was about to call the police.”
“You could’ve called my cell phone.”
“I didn’t think you would’ve answered.”
“I also went on a bus ride.”
“Oh?” He was fighting to keep his eyes locked with mine, fighting to keep them from drifting lower, to my still-heaving breasts. I could feel the heat radiating out from my body, and wondered if he could feel it, too.
“Yes.” I took my hair down from its rubber band and shook it out, feeling it cascade down my sweaty back. “I took it to a meeting.”
“Is that right?” I instantly regretted revealing that bit. Levi looked to shake himself free from some of the influence my nudity was wielding over him. “How was it? What did you think?”
“Not for me,” I said, my tone dismissive, lowering my eyes for a moment, biting my lip, flicking my hair, doing every trick I could think of to make him forget his sanctimony, to come back to me, to be normal again.
I needed my old normal. I had to have it. I was drowning.
“Well…I’m glad you went,” he tried, but he was losing again. I could feel it, and it made me smile wickedly. “I…would you like to talk about it? What you thought about it?”
“I’m pretty sick of talking, actually,” I said, using the very tips of my fingers to forge a trail down his chest, appreciating the softness of his shirt. “Been listening to people talking all afternoon. I’m done with it.”
“I really think we should talk, Meagan.”
“Later we can talk.” I flicked at one of the pearlized buttons on his shirt before slipping it out of its buttonhole.
“No, not later. Now.” His tone was strong, but his resolve was weak. I knew this, and I took full advantage of it, flicking open another button, and another until I could run a finger down his bare torso.
“I have something I want to do right now,” I said, and it was a miracle I could use my words at all. I was so hungry for it that I wondered why I didn’t just push him down and take him against the stairs. It was because the stairs scared me—that was why. I’d done bad things on a set of stairs. So many bad things. Instead, I took him by his hand and more or less yanked him up until we were in the bedroom, the bed beckoning.
“We have to talk about the meeting,” he said, but he allowed me to lead him still, letting himself sink to the bed, letting me straddle his waist.
“Later.” I kissed his lips if only to get him to shut up, then finished removing his shirt. He captured my wrists as I moved down to his waistline.
“Meagan, I don’t think we should have sex until we discuss what happened at the meeting.”
I was impressed he could string a full sentence together, but I was way too focused to listen to it. I unfastened his pants, drawing his hard cock out of his boxers. See? He wanted me. He wanted this, even if he refused to admit it. He wanted to have sex just as badly as I did right now, and he wanted to help me. Well, this was how he could do it. He could give me whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. Levi would figure it out. He’d get it, eventually. Then, we’d be so happy. We’d be happy all the time, and we wouldn’t doubt each other.
It would be a pure, perfect love.
I hissed as I lowered myself onto his cock, wishing I had the self-control to take it slow, but my body would adjust. It always did. I went to my somewhere-else place, watching the maw inside of me stop growing, pause, and start to constrict. Good. It was getting what it needed to put me back in control. I would be myself just as soon as I got there. Just as soon as I came. And Levi never failed to make me come. He was so good for it.
I kissed his mouth and was a little surprised when he didn’t kiss me back. He didn’t rebuff me, but his lips remained cold, unmoving. I tried again, but it was the same non-reaction. I wondered if he’d fallen asleep by mistake, or perhaps hit his head on something I couldn't see, and was just lying there, unconscious. I looked into his face and was met with a stoic gaze.
His blue eyes sparked with protest, but his mouth remained in a firm, straight line. He didn’t want to do this, I realized, but his hands were still on my hips, guiding my rocking motions, helping me creep closer and closer to my goal of release, in spite of him not wanting to do this.
He didn’t want to do this, and I had forced myself upon him.
I was a terrible human being. That was the identity of that shitty hole inside of me. It took and took and took and it never gave back. Levi had saved me from my hometown, and he was ready to sacrifice himself to try to save me from myself. He was letting me fuck him, and he didn’t want to do it. He had given me a place to live, clothes to wear, food to eat, money to spend, and I’d just decided that I could simply take sex from him, as well.
I stopped my rocking immediately and began to keen, covering my face with my hands, horrified at myself, horrified that I’d become just as bad as my tragedy, horrified I’d become the very same monster who’d ruined my life. My keen rose to a wail, and Levi was speaking, dragging my hands down from my face, scooting up to a sitting position, but I couldn’t hear anything above my rock bottom.
Because this was rock bottom. This was me using another human being like he was trash, like he was just something I could use and throw away, just like I’d been used and thrown away.
I didn’t deserve to be alive.
I hadn’t realized I’d started screaming until Levi clamped a hand over my mouth tightly, then loosened it. My throat was raw and my cheeks were wet, and I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin. How could Levi touch me? Why was he hugging me to his chest, even now, especially now, after what I’d done?
“You have to let me in,” Levi said as I wept. “You have to let me help you.”
“I don’t think anyone can help me,” I sobbed. “I don’t think it’s possible anymore.” My brother had tried to help me and ended up dead. Levi was trying to help me and just look at what I’d done to him. Look what I was doing to his life.
“I am going to do whatever it takes,” he said, “and I don’t care what it takes. Take whatever you think you need from me. Whatever you need, Meagan. Anything.”
I shook my head. “No. I can’t take that from you. I can’t take anything from you anymore. You still think you owe my brother. You don’t have to help me anymore. You’ve done enough.”
“I want to help you. It doesn’t have anything to do with your brother anymore.”
“Why?” I demanded. “Why would you want to help me? I’m not a good person. You’re not going to like what you see when you peel back the layers. It’s just shards of glass and shit and garbage.”
“Meagan, I love you. I’ve fallen in love with you.”
I twisted in his arms to stare at him, dumbfounded. “Why would you do something as stupid as that?”
He shrugged and actually smiled at me. “I don’t know. I guess you can’t really plan for something like that.”
Levi was in love with me? It couldn’t be possible. I was the worst possible person in the world for someone to be in love with. It would never work. He would be miserable, and I would be helplessly stupid, hopeless.
“You have to tell me what’s going on so I can help you,” he said. “Okay?”
“You can’t help me.” I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Everything that had happened was a tangle of barbed wire inside of me. I stayed away from it because every time I’d tried to unravel it, I’d gotten pricked. It was easier to leave it alone, ignore it, and tiptoe around it. I’d learned to do that, and I liked to think I’d gotten good at it.
BOUGHT: A Standalone Romance Page 106