by S. J. West
“I would never take Malcolm away from Anna like you took Amalie away from me,” I say heatedly. “I may not like him, but I love her enough not to put her through that kind of misery. Yet, you felt no compunction about ripping the one person I loved in this world out of my life forever. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that, even if I wanted to.”
“Lucifer,” my father pleads, “I didn’t take her away from you. It was simply her time to die. You know that I don't interfere with the natural order of things. I never have. Amalie knew the risks of giving birth to Anna. Yet, she chose Anna’s life above her own. She wanted to give you the gift of loving a child born from your love for one another. Why didn’t you take the opportunity she gave you? Why did you decide Anna would be better off not knowing you? Sometimes, I think you forget that you can love just as fiercely as you can hate.”
“But, how was I supposed to raise Anna when all I could feel was my hate?” I demand. “Do you think Amalie would have wanted that for our baby? Do you think she would have wanted me to twist Anna’s mind and corrupt her soul to a point where she was just like me?”
“No, I don’t,” God says, “I think Amalie wanted you to love Anna as much or even more than you did her. There is no stronger bond than that between a parent and a child. I think you understand that now. I’ve seen the way you look at Anna. She embodies everything that is good about you, Lucifer. She is a mirror of what you once were and what you could be again if you would only let go of your hate. Why can't you see that?”
I fall silent because I don't understand how my father can think such a thing about me. Anna personified everything I loved about Amalie, but was my father right? Did she also represent what had been good about me once upon a time?
“Why would you allow Seraphina to become human?” I ask, shaking my head in dismay. “Why would you allow her to give up her place in Heaven?”
“You ask that like I had a choice in the matter.”
I look over at my father and know exactly what He’s saying.
“I suppose that’s true,” I agree. “She was always extremely stubborn. I see that same trait in Anna as well.”
“Seraphina loved you beyond reason,” my father says, sounding in awe of my heavenly daughter’s devotion to me. “She was willing to give up everything she knew in order to have a chance to bring you home. That is true love, Lucifer. Would you make her sacrifice for nothing?”
“Are you trying to guilt me into asking you for forgiveness?” I ask incredulously.
“No,” my father says, “I would never try to trick you in that way. You already have my forgiveness. It’s been there for you to take for eons. It’s you who chooses not to accept it.”
“I don’t need it,” I tell him, feeling self-righteous in my refusal to accept anything from Him. “And I certainly don’t need you.”
My father sits silently after my declaration.
Finally, He says in a quiet voice, “I hope, for your sake, you never have to hear those same words from your own child.”
I turn my head to look at my father and watch as tears of sorrow slide down His cheeks.
I’m taken aback by His physical display of grief at my harsh and hasty words. It makes me think about what my own response would be if Anna ever said something so cruel and heartless to me.
“Father, I…” But I can’t take my words back, not now. It would show a weakness on my part that I refuse to admit to. His pain does affect me, but I can never let Him know that. And I’m simply too proud to say I’m sorry.
“I will always love you, Lucifer,” my father say, a hitch in His voice. “And I will never let go of my hope that someday you will come back to me. I can’t let go of it because if I do I will have nothing to live for. I would end up walking the halls of Heaven as an empty shell for all eternity. I know there is still good in you. If there wasn’t, you would have opened the seals on Earth already.”
“You know why I haven’t opened them here in the Origin,” I say.
“Yes, I do. And it’s been a great source of hope for me, my son.”
I look away from my father because I can’t bear to see the pain I’m causing Him. I’ve lived with hating Him for so long I almost forgot that deep down inside I still love Him. He brought me into this world and loved me with all His heart. He nurtured me and encouraged me to be the best that I could be. If it weren’t for Him, I would never have made Seraphina and known the joys of fatherhood. I treated her the same as He did me. I gave her all my love and support and encouraged her to stretch herself beyond her boundaries. In the end, I know simple jealousy made me turn my back on the people I cared about most.
I was jealous of the human race because they took away the people I loved. Each of them became consumed in their new little pets to the point where nothing else mattered. And when my father decided the Guardians of the Guf should stop making souls for angels, well, it was the last straw for me. I couldn’t stand idly by and allow the humans to rule over us. My pride wouldn’t allow for it.
“Father, I…” I begin to say again, but when I turn to look back at Him, all I see is an empty space.
It’s just as well. I’m not sure what I was going to say anyway.
I allow myself some time to just sit and think. It’s been a long time since I did those two simple things. I’ve been a man of scheming and conniving during my long imprisonment on this planet, forced to live among the humans and watch them day by day. I think back through the many years I’ve spent here, of all the lives I’ve ruined and ended. I begin to feel an emotion I never thought those memories would stir inside me, regret.
During the time Amalie and I were together, I ceased my evil ways for her because I never wanted her to be ashamed of giving her love to someone like me. Her love was so pure and strong. It was the first time in all my years as a fallen angel that I thought I could change. I would have lived the way she wanted us to for as long as she remained alive. But happily ever after was never dealt in the cards that were handed to us, only death and endless separation.
Now, with Anna and me growing closer, I feel as though I’m being given a second chance at a different life. I want to become a part of her family and watch her blossom into the woman, the leader, I know she will become one day. Yes, she’s strong now, but I see an enduring strength inside her that no one else does. She will change the world she lives in by the strength of her will alone.
I will never tell her this, but I’m glad she has Malcolm by her side. I still consider him an imbecile but at least he’s one who will always put her needs before his own. It’s the best a father can hope for in a husband for his daughter. When Malcolm offered to go to Hell with me to get Anna back, I knew in that moment that he truly did love her. She wasn’t just one of many female conquests he’d had in his life. She was his true soulmate, and I understood what that kind of love felt like. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for Amalie. Even her request for me to take care of Anna was something that I tried my best to follow through with. I knew Anna wouldn’t thrive with me. So, I did what I thought best and let her be raised by Andre. I placed Christopher as her silent guardian and made my yearly visits to her when she was a child. I felt that anything else would simply be an unnecessary interference in her life.
I wasn’t good enough to be her father. Her life was much better off not knowing me until now. Yet, knowing all that, I still wonder how different my life would have been if I had kept her with me. Would I have completely changed my ways to be a good role model for her to follow? Did I simply cheat myself out of a happiness Amalie was sure I would experience raising our child?
I shake my head. Those questions are pointless. There is no way to go back and change the past, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to if I could. If I did, Anna might not be the person she is today. She surpassed my wildest expectation for her. She is strong, smart, and has a will power beyond anyone else I have ever met. I believe she is the woman Amalie wanted her to become.
I stand from the b
ench, not knowing exactly where to go. I don’t want to intrude on Anna’s time with Malcolm. If anyone can help heal her heart, it’s him. I shake my head again. Who would have thought Malcolm and I could find any common ground to form a relationship on? The idea seems almost laughable if it weren’t already true. I may always think of him as a big oaf, but there was no doubt in my mind that he made my daughter happy. And isn’t that all a father truly wants for his child? For them to find unending happiness and joy in life.
Is that what my father wants for me?
I look up to stare at Amalie’s window feeling a desperate need to be closer to her.
I phase into her old room. Something shiny catches my eye on her nightstand, and I walk over to see what it is. I pick up the holo-crystal and allow it to play the last video viewed.
I stand and watch the scene of me chasing her in the woods and her tripping, nearly falling to the ground. I remember feeling lucky to have phased in just in time to cushion her fall. It was the moment she told me we would be having a baby. The video caught the elation I felt after she made her announcement. I didn’t know then that the pregnancy was actually a death sentence for Amalie, or I wouldn’t have looked so happy. It was one of the few moments in my life that I felt pure joy.
When the video stops playing, I set the crystal back where I found it. I sit down on the side of the bed and pull Amalie’s pillow against my chest. I’m not sure if it’s just my imagination playing a trick on me or not, but I swear I can still smell her scent on the pillowcase. I put the pillow back down in its place and lay my head on it. As if feeling her presence in the room with me, I allow myself to close my eyes. Sleep is something that rarely finds me, but with my own guardian angel watching over me, I allow it to whisk me away to another place.
At least until I hear Anna scream....
Chapter 17
(Return to Anna’s POV)
I do indeed find my husband anxiously pacing back and forth in the sitting room as he awaits my return. When he looks up and sees me walk in, his shoulders visibly relax, and I hear an audible sigh of relief.
“What do you need?” Malcolm asks me as I walk over to him, looking like he desperately wants to help me in whatever way he can.
“For you to hold me,” I tell him, not needing anything else or wanting more.
Malcolm opens his arms as I step up to him and closes them around me, making me feel safe and whole. We stand like that for a long time, neither of us saying anything because words are useless in that moment. I may know that Millie and Daniel are in Heaven, but that doesn’t erase the pain of feeling their absence from my everyday life.
Phasing every day to Heaven to see them really isn’t an option for me either. It would simply make accepting their departure from this plane of existence that much harder. Heaven is meant for those who pass on to the next realm of being. Every time I go there, I can feel it pushing me to leave and silently telling me that I don’t belong there, at least not yet. I still have more to accomplish on Earth before I can take my final rest.
“Where did my papa go?” I ask Malcolm, still holding onto him but wondering where my father is.
“He went upstairs to his old room,” Malcolm tells me. “He wanted to bathe and take a little time for himself to wrap his mind around everything that’s happened since he’s been gone. I tried to fill him in on what he didn’t already know. I guess Lucifer told him some of it the last time he saw him.”
“Did he say where he’s been all this time?”
“Levi stuck him out in some isolated cabin up on top of the Himalayan Mountains. It could only be accessed by phasing there and the only people who even knew it existed were Levi and Lucifer. I thought I knew all their secret hideouts, but apparently I missed that one.”
“He’s been there this whole time?”
“No. Apparently, Lucifer moved him so Levi couldn’t find him either. It’s kind of odd…”
I lift my head off Malcolm’s chest to look up at him and ask, “What’s odd?”
“Lucifer took Andre to the house Jess and Mason used to have in the Caribbean. I haven’t been there in over six hundred years, none of us have. But Andre said it looked just like it did when they lived in it. I guess Lucifer has been keeping the place up. I just never knew. It probably would have taken me another thousand years to even think to check there.”
“I think that’s nice that he would honor her memory like that,” I say, wondering what else Lucifer might have done that no one would have suspected.
He might not openly acknowledge it, but he still had a soft spot inside his heart where Jess was concerned. She was probably one of the few true friends he ever had during his exile on Earth. It was obvious to me she still meant a great deal to him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t still visit the site of her house in Cypress Hollow or keep her beach house livable after all these years. Lucifer might try to act like he didn’t care about her, but it’s obvious by his actions that he did and still does.
Out of nowhere, I feel a penetrating burning sensation tear through the center of my chest. I try to ignore it because I’ve finally found a small bit of peace in Malcolm’s arms. His comfort is something I don’t want to let go of yet. But the ache stoutly refuses to be ignored. The pain intensifies to a point where I end up forcefully pushing Malcolm away from me. I don’t know what’s happening, but I do know I don’t want him too close to me. I would literally die on the spot if I did something unknowingly to hurt, or possibly even kill, him.
Malcolm moves to come back to me, but I hold up my hands to stop him.
“Stay back!” I order, bending at the waist as a wave of excruciating pain hits me.
“Anna!” Malcolm says, moving forward again in his eagerness to help.
“Please, Malcolm,” I plead, tears born from this newfound agony cascading down my face. “Please stay away from me! I don’t want to hurt you!”
The torture becomes so intense I grow weak in the knees and drop to the floor, clutching at my mid-section and bending down until my forehead presses against the cool wood. At the height of my agony, I squeeze my eyes shut and scream.
My shriek acts as a beacon to those who care about me. Everyone in the house, with the exception of Bai and Linn, come running or phasing into the sitting room. I feel someone, I’m not even sure who, rest their hand on my back.
“Get away from me!” I yell, doing my best to warn them. “Don’t touch me!”
“What’s happening to Anna?” I hear Vala demand hysterically.
“I don’t know,” Malcolm answers, sounding bewildered and frightened.
“What the hell is happening to her hair?” I hear my papa ask in amazement.
I force my eyes open and look at my hair. It acts like a natural curtain surrounding my face, and I see that my papa is right. Inexplicably, it’s turning from my natural brown to the color of snow.
Another wave of agony wracks my body, coursing down into my extremities and causing me to tremble violently.
“We have to do something!” Lucifer says urgently.
I feel someone place his hand on top of my head.
“Get away from me,” I beg through my sobs, not wanting to accidentally harm anyone else I love.
“Anna,” Malcolm says gently, “my touch has eased your pain in the past. Maybe it can help you again. Please, at least let me try, my love. Let me help you.”
I lift my head from the floor and look at Malcolm as he kneels in front of me. He stares into my eyes for a moment as if something else is wrong.
“What?” I ask him. “What's wrong?”
“Your eyes...,” he says, staring at them in confusion. “They're blue now like that's their natural color.”
Another surge of pain envelops me, causing me to scream and squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them again, I look back at Malcolm and think I see a shadowy figure standing directly behind him. I’m not sure if it’s real or a simple trick of the light in the room mixed with my own blurred vision. As anothe
r wave of pain floods my entire body, I close my eyes and almost wish for death just to end my agony.
“Where does it hurt?” Malcolm asks tenderly.
“Everywhere,” I admit, feeling like the torture my body is being put through is about to push me over the edge into madness.
Malcolm stands and picks me up in his arms. Without saying a word to the others, he phases us to our bedroom. He lays me on the bed and quickly takes our shoes off. He climbs on top of me, gently laying his body down on top of mine like a mirror image. He brings my arms up over my head to lay against the pillow, twining our fingers together to make us one. We’re completely connected from our hands to our feet. Malcolm’s heaviness and unusually warm body temperature act like a compress against the pain. He begins to kiss my face softly, lovingly. This quiet moment tells me we don’t need words to say ‘I love you’. The trail of my tears is soon vanquished and the sharp, excruciating pain in my body begins to subside into a dull ache. I feel like I can breathe easier now and actually take in a deep breath.
“Any better?” Malcolm asks, gently nipping at my lower lip with his teeth.
“A little bit,” I tell him.
“Am I too heavy for you?” he asks, continuing his pleasurable exploration with his lips down the side of my neck.
“No,” I tell him, turning my head to the side slightly to give him unobstructed access to my neck. “You’re not too heavy for me. Your weight feels good, actually, almost like its pushing the pain down. Please, don’t move.”
“Can I move my hands?”
“As long as you move them on my body,” I whisper, not wanting to lose a bit of his warmth.
I feel Malcolm smile against my neck.
“That was the plan, my love,” he whispers back, sliding his hands slowly down my arms and against my sides.
When I feel his hands reach up underneath my shirt, I moan, but not so much in pleasure more in relief. The warmth of his hands as they slide over my naked stomach eases the torment my body is experiencing. By the time his hands reach my breast and squeeze gently, the pain is all but gone. I slip my fingers through Malcolm’s short locks and bring his head down to mine for a mind-blowing kiss.