by P. J. Rhea
My heart was in my throat. I realized that she had probably said that very thing to Grace, and Grace had said it to Evie. It made the connection overpoweringly real, and I managed to whisper, “I promise.”
Once they were gone, I was exhausted from the emotions I’d experienced since meeting them. How could I feel so close to two people whose existence I’d only been aware of for a few short weeks? I felt a strong connection to them, but I seemed to be separating it from Evie all together. The experience had been so positive and made me so happy that I wanted to make it all mine. And as strange as it sounds, I didn’t want to share it with Evie. Something deep inside me told me there were still things only Evie could handle. She was protecting me until she felt I could accept the truth and deal with it. So if this child could be so protective of me, how could I be so selfish with the happy moments? I was beginning to think that Evie was not the weak little girl who I was meant to protect. Instead she was the strong one who had suffered the unimaginable, and she was protecting me from the pain that was sure to come with the truth.
Once Stephen and Evelyn were on their way, I sat in my car and pulled the letter I had received from Frank and Ruth Moon out of my purse. Evie was close to her father for the short time he was in her life. I hope along with those horrible memories she also can remember the love. I hope she can remember the father who beamed with pride as he held his child.
I knew as I read the letter from Frank Moon’s parents that I would like them. The letter placed no blame on anyone. They spoke of their son. They told me what a sweet boy he’d been and how proud they were of the man he’d grown into. They explained how he had been with a friend one night, and in a foolish moment the friend had pitched a rock at the window of a man who’d cheated his father on a business deal. Frank didn’t throw the rock and his friend told the police he’d nothing to do with it, but he was still labeled by the people in that small town as a troublemaker. It was another example of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
They also wrote how much they liked Grace. Ruth said she loved her like a daughter and was thrilled when Frank started dating her. They were concerned when Frank told them Grace was pregnant. They told their son he would have to be responsible for the child he’d fathered, but they wanted them to wait until he was out of school and at least eighteen before getting married. Apparently Grace’s dad had told them they could not see each other anymore, and Frank knew they would have to run away to stay together. They admitted to being angry with Grace and her parents when Frank was killed.
“We were overwhelmed by grief and desperate to make some sense of it.”
Ruth ended her letter with a proclamation of love. “Frank told us all about you, and we loved you from the beginning. We couldn’t find you, but we never stopped loving you. My dream is that we will see you face-to-face someday. I hope to see signs of my beautiful boy in your eyes.”
After seeing the picture they’d sent with the letter, I knew they would see their son in me, and I couldn’t wait for the day that I would meet them.
Dear Evie:
If only you could have been raised by Frank and Grace, how different your life would have been. You could have been spared so much pain. Your father was a handsome man. You have his blond curls, and your blue eyes are like both of your parents. I could tell he was proud of you, and I believe that he and Grace are together again. I think they are helping us remember the things we need to in order to heal our wounded spirits. Keep talking, Evie. Tell me what happened to us the night of the fire. Once I remember the truth, it will set us both free.
Stephen is wonderful. I’m glad you were able to save him from the fire and that I got to meet our grandmother, Evelyn. I promise we will meet Frank’s parents soon. I love you, Evie. I promise.
Katherine
***
It had been several weeks since my last visit with Dr. Anna, and I was eager to talk to her. I was feeling stronger after meeting my new found family and wanted to face the final memories, no matter how painful they were. I wanted to remember for Evie and for Evelyn so they would know what happened to Grace. I wanted to be able to tell Stephen the truth about his father and to let Jason know why my childhood had been blocked from my memory. I wanted Dr. Anna to be able to close the book on this unsolved mystery that had held a spot on her shelf for twenty years. I even wanted to uncover the memories so Bill and Vanessa Tipton would know they had done the right thing by taking me into their home and making me their daughter. They had saved me.
I also wanted to know for me. I needed to know what happened in that house that was so horrific that Evie had disappeared and stayed invisible for all those years. I knew it would either be the end of her or the beginning, but either way, I wanted the truth. It was the only missing piece to the puzzle now, and then there could be healing. A child can not heal until she is heard, I reminded myself to help build my courage. Evie you would be heard.
It was good to see Dr. Anna again. She explained that she and her husband had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii, and her son and his girlfriend had joined them. I don’t know why it shocked me. I had assumed she lived in the house and was divorced or widowed. She laughed at my assumptions.
“No, dear, I don’t live here. I just feel, since I work mostly with children, that the home setting is less intimidating than a typical doctor’s office. It’s why I don’t wear a doctor’s white coat. So much of their lives have been scary and painful. A doctor’s office and the white coat have often meant stitches, broken bones, and even people coming to take them away from their parents until questions could be answered. I hoped it would feel like coming to visit a nice aunt,” she explained. “I wanted this house to represent comfort and safety.”
She was exactly right. Even as an adult patient, I felt like I was visiting a friend in her home, not coming for an appointment with my psychiatrist. We chatted for several more minutes about family matters and got caught up on things that had happened in our lives that had nothing to do with why I was there. Once that was finished, I began to tell her about my brother and grandmother coming to visit. I showed her the picture of Frank and Evie and the note that came with it.
My dreams and memories had all but stopped in the last few weeks. The memories seemed like any other memory now. Not like a scary replay of something that was happening to a little girl. They had slipped into the same place in my brain that held my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, or a past trip. I could pull them up when I wanted to think about them, but they no longer controlled me. The bad ones still made me sad, but I wasn’t afraid of them.
“Well, Katherine, you have made a lot of progress since we talked last time. Maybe now that you have been able to deal with those memories you will be ready to move forward. You always seem to stop at the same place. Evie has given you the memories you could handle and you seem to have dealt with them. Now we need to see if she will give you the memory that deals with the fire. I want us to start at the point where we always seem to stop.”
I hoped she was right. I felt ready. I had tried on my own to make myself remember the night of the fire. In my own efforts, my mind had refused to go past a certain point. Dr. Anna pointed toward my now familiar resting spot in the darkest corner of her office. The warm throw draped over her arm as she adjusted the lamp to its lowest setting to establish a more restful atmosphere for the session.
“I am going to take a little different approach this time if that’s all right with you,” she said.
I nodded in agreement and took my place on the divan then tried hard to relax. My body was tense, and she could tell I was pretending to appear relaxed because I wanted it to be over. She covered me, and then took her seat near my side.
“Katherine, let’s see if we can help you relax first. Remember our exercise. Put your arms at your side with your palms facing down. Now, close your eyes and breathe through your nose.”
She touched me gently as she whispered her instruction. I followed her direct
ions and tried to make myself relax. Her voice was as soft as a cloud, and it made me feel drowsy and peaceful as usual. As she continued, I began to feel as if I no longer lived in my body but was somewhere else listening for direction. She would pause after each suggestion to allow me to absorb it and comply.
“First, allow your feet to be totally relaxed. Now work up to legs… arms… hands. Now feel your whole body as it gives in. You will be asleep, but you will still hear my voice. You will not be afraid of the memory, because I am here with you. Can you remember that I am here and you are safe?”
I heard myself say yes but it seemed dreamlike.
“Now, Katherine, when I count to three you will be fully asleep but you will remember everything. One… two… three…”
She counted slowly and with each number I felt my body grow heavy and limp. It seemed to dissolve and only my thoughts were left. The second I heard the final number I was there with Evie.
Chapter Eleven
“Katherine, I want you to remember when you were ten years old. Your name is Evie. Can you see yourself as Evie?”
“Yes, I see her.”
“What do you see?”
“Evie sees blood in her panties, and she is very afraid.”
“Katherine, remember that you are Evie in this memory, so try to say I am afraid instead of she is afraid.”
“No, not yet,” I protested. “It isn’t me yet.”
“Okay, that’s fine. What do you see?”
“Evie runs to Mama and tells her about the blood. Grace gives her a hug to comfort her. She tells Evie about her period and all about becoming a woman. She shows her everything she needs and tells her to start using deodorant under her arms because her body is changing, and she may have grown up body odor now. Mama tells her all about keeping clean. Evie is thinking about bath time and that she may have to bath every day now. Evie doesn’t like that part. She hates taking a bath because of Ralph.”
“Is Ralph home when Grace talks to Evie about her period?”
“Yes, and he won’t give them privacy. He keeps looking into the room and giving Evie a creepy smile behind her mama’s back. Grace notices how embarrassed Evie appears, and when she looks in the mirror that hangs on the wall behind Evie, she sees Ralph. His strange smile gives her a bad feeling in her stomach. I think that is when she realized just how dangerous he was. Grace tries to block his view of Evie and talks low so he can’t hear about the private girl things.”
I became very still for a while and very quiet. My eyes moved rapidly under my pale lids as if I were looking around trying to pick up the story where I left off. I could feel Dr. Anna’s anxiety and hear her heart beating faster in anticipation. The memory had been hidden for so long, and she had made so many attempts to bring it to the front. Dr. Anna knew the day Evie first came to her office after her adoption that something terrible had happened to that sweet child. It was hard to explain the expression on Katherine’s face, which seemed to be a desperate attempt to conceal the truth, and at the same time it appeared that she wanted just as desperately to reveal it. Finally Dr. Anna couldn’t wait another second and decided to prompt Katherine to continue.
“What happened next?”
“Ralph goes to work. Evie is so happy. Grace tells her that they need to start saving money to get away. Evie hugs her mama so tight and tells her how glad she is they are finally going to leave him. I think Grace feels a little guilty for keeping Evie in that situation for so long.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She has tears running down her face, and she just looks so sad even though Evie is so happy. Grace tells her it will have to be a well-kept secret. They both know if Ralph finds out it will be real bad. They look through the whole house and find $12.62. Grace says it’s a beginning, and they find the best hiding place. They put the money in a glass jar and place it in the bottom of an old flowerpot behind the shed in the backyard. Then Grace put some old fruit jars and rags on top of it to make it look like trash. Ralph isn’t big on yard work or keeping things nice around the house, so he will never notice it. Grace says when she goes out to hang clothes to dry she will put any money we save up in the jar until we can afford two bus tickets to Oklahoma. If she holds the baby in her lap they won’t make her buy a ticket for Stephen. We save and save for weeks. Ms. Carla next door has been paying Mama to help her around the house when Ralph isn’t home. Ms. Carla doesn’t want Ralph to know about our plans any more than we do. She pays Evie to do some things too. They save up $200.00 dollars in three months’ time.
Ms. Carla would have just given Grace the money for the tickets, but Grace insisted that she had to work for it. Grace has been hiding a few of their clothes in a paper bag under the baby’s crib. It is where clothes are kept in boxes if they are too big or wrong for the season, so even if Ralph finds them, he won’t be suspicious.”
“Sounds like a good plan. Are you getting excited about your trip?” Dr. Anna was working hard to pull out emotions.
“Evie can’t wait. Ralph has been hovering since Evie started having her period. He is being nice to her now, but she doesn’t like it. The attention is different. It is still scary but in a different way. It makes her uncomfortable like when he watches her take her bath.”
“What do you mean, Katherine? How is it different?”
“He is always backing her in a corner and getting really close to her. His smile makes her stomach feel sick. Grace is watching him all the time and will ask Evie to do something for her when she catches him bothering her. Ralph is starting to get mad about Grace interfering and has started yelling at her a lot, telling her she doesn’t need Evie to do her work for her.
They almost have enough money saved up. Her mama had to use some of the money to buy diapers and baby food because Ralph uses so much of his money for beer, but it won’t be long now till they can get their tickets and go see her grandparents. They will be so surprised when we show up. Grace says they will have to keep where they are going a secret. She says we can’t take any chances that he will find out.
Evie starts asking neighbors if she can sweep their porches or walk their dogs for money. She has to be very careful or Ralph will find out and ask questions. She only asks people she knows Ralph never talks to. The older women on the street don’t like him, so she knows they will never tell.
Evie has twenty whole dollars to add to the jar. She is so proud that she has earned so much all by herself. Ms. Carla told Grace that the next time Ralph paid her the rent money she would give it back to Grace. Grace wanted to refuse her and to earn her way out, but she seemed to know it was getting more and more dangerous for Evie, so she just hugged Carla and thanked her for all she was doing to help them. Carla had to laugh at the idea that Ralph would be giving money to the cause.”
Suddenly I became very agitated and made moaning sounds. I was afraid. Tears were escaping from the corner of my eyes.
“Relax. Remember you are safe here. This is only a memory, and it is not happening to you, so you can remember this without fear,” Dr. Anna said. She laid her hand on me again as she had done in every session of hypnosis, and I began to settle down. “What do you see now? Where is Evie?”
“Evie is going to put the money in the jar. Ralph isn’t home yet, and she is rushing to the flowerpot to hide it before he comes home and sees her. Oh hurry Evie, please hurry.”
“Katherine, remember it is just a memory. Relax and tell me what you see,” Dr. Anna coaxed as she attempted to keep her voice calm. This was more than I had ever remembered before.
“Katherine, I want you to take a deep breath and focus on the memory. Listen to my voice and let your body relax. You are only watching the memory; you are not in any danger. Breathe in slowly.”
I obeyed.
“Now, let it out. You’re just there to watch, and you don’t need to be afraid. Can you tell me what Evie is doing now?”
“Evie is afraid. She dropped the jar and it broke. She is trying to pick it
up and she cuts her hand on the glass. Mama will be upset if she loses any of the money, but the wind is blowing it around and she has to chase it and gather it back up. Evie is crying and so afraid she will lose the money. Oh Evie hurry, he will be home soon! She gathers it all up and is trying to put it in one of the other jars.”
Dr. Anna notices when my body tenses and my hands clinch as if I’m angry or scared.
“It’s Ralph!” I say.
Dr. Anna decided not to calm me this time, instead she allowed me to feel what was happening. She couldn’t take a chance on stopping the memory at such a crucial moment. Instead she tried to keep herself calm as she helplessly listened to the horror unfold. Later Dr. Anna told me that she couldn’t remember another case where she had become so emotionally attached to her patient.
“He just pulled up in front of the house, and he will be coming around to the side door. Her heart is pounding in her chest, and she is so afraid he will notice her before she can finish hiding the jar.”