by Lee Stephen
“Yeh didn’t want to be at the bug-hunt,” Becan said. “An’ wha’ are yeh talkin’ abou’? Yeh saved Remmy’s life. Saved Svetlana’s, too. Yeh think they could’ve lived through tha’ without yeh?”
“I did that on my own. They still never picked me to go on the team that got to do stuff.”
“Righ’,” Becan said as he rubbed his face. Though it was late, none of the operatives slept. Aside from Becan and Jayden, the only others present were Galina and Varvara, both of whom exchanged quiet conversation on the other side of the room. Curfew seemed not to matter, as none of the other non-injured operatives were there.
“Scott’s the only reason I got to do somethin’,” Jayden said. “I feel useless.”
“You’re not useless,” Becan answered. “If yeh were useless, yeh wouldn’t be here at all.”
Jayden stretched back his neck. “I just want to be a part of the action, that’s all. I want to be called out to fight, I want to be given responsibility, like everyone else is.”
Becan hummed as he pursed his lips. “Righ’, well yeh need to talk more.”
“What?”
“Yeh need to talk more. Remmy talks to everyone. It’s not tha’ he sucks up, he doesn’t, but he just…well, he talks. The more yeh talk, the more people get to know yeh, the more they get to know yeh, the more they trust yeh.”
“So you’re sayin’ I don’t talk?”
“Yeh don’t. All yeh do is say ‘yessir’ an’ snore.”
The bunks fell quiet. Jayden slid his cowboy hat to cover his stomach. “I don’t snore.”
At that point, the door to Room 14 opened and Commander Baranov stepped inside. Becan and Jayden observed as he offered a subtle nod to Galina and Varvara, then closed the door behind him. The two women replied with somber smiles, and Baranov lumbered toward his bunk. As he sat, the frame of his bed sunk several inches.
“Start talkin’,” Becan urged Jayden under his breath.
Jayden cleared his throat. “Hello, commander,” he said nervously.
“Gentlemen,” Baranov said as he leaned forward to untie his boots. He released a long breath as he stretched his neck to the side, where it popped out loud. Jayden cleared his throat again.
“How are you doing, sir?”
Baranov scrutinized the Texan suspiciously, then unzipped the top half of his jersey. “As good as one could be on a terrible day.”
“Are they letting anyone into the med bay yet, sir?”
“Yes. I am just coming from there now.” Baranov sighed.
“How is everyone? Sir.”
“They are all resting now. Max is lucky to be alive, but he will pull through. Kostya is also full of luck.”
Jayden hesitated. “How’s Svetlana?”
Baranov shifted on his bunk until he sat sideways across it, at which point he leaned back and propped his hands behind his head. His eyes slid shut. “She is not hurt bad…her armor saved her from that, but…I do not know. I think her heart has died already.”
Silence overtook them until Becan addressed Baranov for the first time. “Why did tha’ happen this mornin’?”
Baranov sighed. “I cannot give you an answer for that. There are things that happen…that do not seem as if they are right.” Becan listened intently. “There are many things that the general does that many people do not agree with, such as what you have seen today. I know I do not like it, I do not think I could ever order such a thing as he ordered. But…General Thoor is one of the greatest military leaders to ever live, in any time. If you look at his history, and look at the history of other EDEN generals, you will see that nobody else even compares. He does good work…he just does not do it in a…good way, if I may say that.”
He sighed. “Tolya had no choice today. I cannot tell you why this is true…but Tolya did what needed to be done. We may not like it, but…we are not required to like everything. The general knew that there was no way the base was going to be captured, and so knew that it had to be destroyed. He had to make sure that it was destroyed the first time, and the only way to do that was to leave someone behind. If Tolya would have disobeyed…” His words trailed off. “He did what he had to do.”
Jayden spoke up. “What would have happened?”
Baranov hesitated before he answered. “If the base would have needed a second attack, there would have been more loss of life. The general knew this. He did what had to be done for the situation to work the first time…and that is why he is such a great leader.”
“A great leader?” Becan said skeptically. “Tha’ ‘great leader’ killed one o’ his own for no bloody reason. Doesn’t tha’ upset yeh at all?”
“It does, but what can I do? I have cried my tears already. Tolya was my friend. I had known him for very long time, but what can I do now? Nothing I can do will bring him back, what has been done has been done.” He sighed. “I have lost comrades before, and it is not something I enjoy at all, but it is inevitable. There comes a point where death does not surprise one anymore—one comes to expect it. I will probably die here, the two of you will probably die here. It is something that has to be accepted.”
Becan scoffed. “Accepted, yeah, but not in the way the lieutenant died today. He should be here, now. The bomb went off, there were no problems…he died a needless death.” He paused, then added, “An’ wha’ abou’ Svetlana? Wha’ is she supposed to do, eh? Do yeh think everythin’ you’re sayin’ now is goin’ to make her feel better? She’s still goin’ to be alone, an’ tomorrow she’ll still be alone. She can’t even fall back on the mindset tha’ the lieutenant died a hero, ‘cos he didn’t. He died ‘cos some bucket o’ snots told him to die.”
Baranov sighed. “Today a Bakma facility was destroyed. That is what was supposed to happen, and that is what happened. The general did what he felt needed to be done to guarantee victory.”
“Yeh never answered me question. Wha’s Svetlana supposed to do? How is she supposed to take all this?”
“She will grieve,” Baranov answered. “That is her right, it is what is to be expected. She will hurt, as we all hurt when we lose someone we love. But she will move on. It will be hard for her, and it will take some time, but she will move on. She is a strong-hearted woman.”
“If she had a right mind on her she’d take a gun an’ blow tha’ plonker’s head off,” Becan said.
“That is enough.”
“Enough until when? Someone else is told to die?”
“I said that is enough.” Baranov’s tone became firm. “You are not expected to like everything that goes on here. But you will accept it. That is how things are done. Now, that is the end of this discussion.”
“Yessir,” Jayden quickly answered. He turned and glared at Becan.
“Wha’?”
“You’re gonna get us fired!” Jayden whispered.
“Aw, you gackawacka. Nobody’s goin’ to get fired.”
“Well you’d better watch how you talk to the commander.”
“Blarney. I could take tha’ overgrown ape anny day.”
“I can hear you, you know,” Baranov said. “I am like, two meters away.”
Becan and Jayden shifted their attention to the commander. His eyes were still closed, and his hands still rested behind his head. The rest of the room was silent.
Jayden flopped down on his pillow and turned away from Becan. “You need to talk less.”
“Aw, dry up.”
* * *
The infirmary sat in quiet desolation. Two full rows of beds were occupied by those injured in the outpost assault. With the initial bustle of stabilization over, the aides exchanged whispered conversation as they prepared to clock out. The evening had set in.
There was a disinfected stench to the air. Wounds of various degrees—full burns, clean incisions, open holes—poured their peculiar odors into the atmosphere. Despite attempts by the medical staff to dampen them, the smells lingered—a reminder of the mortality that loomed over Novosibirsk.
&nb
sp; It was past eleven when the last lights were turned off, and the last nurse made her designated nighttime round. For Scott, it couldn’t have been more welcomed.
The room had been silent all day, and aside from the occasional cough or grunt, it remained that way. It was fitting that when it came time for Scott and David—who had been comrades from day one—to engage in conversation, their first words were not words at all.
Scott’s lips parted, and he released a solitary sigh into the silence. The noise disturbed little, but it did garner David’s attention. Silence prevailed, and then David finally spoke.
“What are you thinking?”
Scott remained fixated on the ceiling. What was he thinking? It was a question he was used to hearing all the time. Just not in this context. He feigned a smile. “That you just sounded like my fiancee.” David made no response, and the smile faded from Scott’s lips. “I’m thinking things were a lot better about a month ago.”
David’s head straightened, and his gaze too fell upon the emptiness of the ceiling. “I keep thinking about Sharon.”
Scott’s stomach twisted into a knot. David continued.
“I keep thinking…about the look on her face. When that EDEN officer comes knocking on the door and tells her that her husband is dead. I see Stevie and Timmy running to the door to see why their mom is crying…and she asks the man why…” Scott closed his eyes as he listened. “And he can’t give her a reason.”
Scott slid his arm across his stomach. That was every soldier with a family’s greatest fear. The fear of death, not for themselves, but for those they would leave behind. For those who would suffer from it. “That’s not going to happen,” Scott said.
“I have two sons,” David said. “They haven’t seen me in two months. I want them to see me again.”
“They will.”
“You keep saying that, but how do you know? What if Thoor asks me to do what he asked Anatoly to? And I have no choice?”
“He’s not going to say that.”
David offered no response. Across the room, a soldier’s cough disturbed the air. Scott’s gaze remained on David, until the older man said, “I shouldn’t be here.”
Scott started. This from David? From Henry back at Richmond, yes, he would have expected that, but…David? He was everyone’s pillar of strength. If he was having doubts…Scott could only stare with bewilderment. “What?”
“…I should be home,” David said, “being a father. I should be doing something safe. Selling real estate, giving financial advice. Something else. Something that gives them something other than a knock on the door and a total stranger.”
Scott frowned. He had never thought about it until then, but when he first met David, David told him that his family was moving to Richmond—to be closer to him. David never brought it up again. The transfer to Russia must have been killing them. And Scott never thought to ask him about it. For a moment, he hated himself. “Dave…back at Richmond you were helping me through this same thing with Nicole…”
David made eye contact with Scott. “This is different now. Now, we’re being told to die. Tell me you haven’t been thinking about this, too. Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been thinking the same thing. After what just happened.”
“Dave…I haven’t stopped thinking about it since Chicago, but…”
David said nothing. His stare returned to the ceiling, and he slid his hands behind his head. Scott’s eyes remained on him as he lay there, even as David’s contact broke away. The infirmary was quiet.
He was supposed to say something. What was he supposed to say? Wisdom, realistic expectations…that was David’s department. What did Scott have to offer? It didn’t take long for him to find it.
It was the only thing he knew.
“None of us are promised tomorrow,” Scott whispered. “Not me, not you…not Sharon or Nicole. We live in a world where things happen all of a sudden. But I know things happen for a reason. I know everything happens for a reason. I’d like to think they happen for an overall good that’s just a little too far ahead for us to see.” Why was it so effortless to say? Was it all that programmed in his head? “I know…that God has a plan for me. I know He has a plan for you. I know He’ll never put me, or you, or any of us through something we can’t handle.”
David was listening intently.
“You know I think about it,” Scott said. “I think about it all the time. That same scene you replay in your head…I see it too, with Nicole. I love her, Dave. I can’t not be terrified at the thought that I may never see her again. I know it must be ten times as bad for you. I can’t even imagine what runs through your head at night when you think about it. But I know that every night I pray and ask God to watch over us, me and Nicole, and you and Sharon. And your kids. Every night I pray for as many people as I can remember their names. Everyone in the unit here, everyone in Charlie back home, everyone. I don’t do this to feel self-righteous or to feel good about myself. I do it because sometimes prayer’s all we’ve got. I believe God listens.”
David’s gaze remained on Scott, but his eyes fell distant. Several seconds passed before he replied. “I wish I had your faith.”
“No you don’t,” Scott said. “I don’t have enough.” It was true. All of his talk about spirituality, his reading of Scripture…and when night came, his fears were the same as the most faithless around him, like he was some spiritual hypocrite. His faith was there. It just wasn’t as strong as it needed to be.
David cleared his throat and looked up. “You hear anything about Svetlana?”
Scott leaned back his head. He didn’t want to think about Svetlana. It hurt too much. “No. I don’t think she was injured too bad, just…”
“…yeah, I know,” David answered. “I don’t think I could take it. I don’t know how she’s taking it now.”
“What makes you think she’s taking it? She’s across the room, but I still haven’t heard her say a thing all day. I know she hasn’t been sleeping this whole time.”
“Poor thing.”
“She wanted to die with him,” Scott said. “Just run down the hill and get mowed down by the Bakma…she was ready to do it. If she’d have made it to him there’s nothing she could have done. Just died with him.”
David’s head tilted to the side. “Would you have done it for Nicole?”
“In a heartbeat.”
David nodded. “Me too.” He adjusted his hands behind his head. “You saved her life, you know.”
Scott frowned. He had saved her life. He and Jayden. He knew that. But it didn’t make him feel any better.
“Why did you do it?” David asked. “You didn’t have to, the transport would have been there in another minute, and she might have been fine.”
Scott shook his head. “Might is too big of a risk, I couldn’t accept that. She could have been killed.”
“You could’ve, too.”
Scott stared at the ceiling. “It just felt like the right thing to do.”
David chuckled. “You’ll always do the right thing even if it kills you, huh?”
Scott furrowed his brow. Even if it killed him? It had almost killed him. It had almost killed both of them, he and her. But who else would have done it? Nobody else had tried to save her. They just watched her run. They watched her almost die. Would they have left her body to be picked up later, too?
“I hope so,” Scott answered. She was worth it. She was worth the jump, she was worth the risk. She was worth it to him. He looked narrowly at David. “You’d better not have just jinxed me with that.”
David smirked. “What are you going to do if I did? You’ll be dead.”
“I’ll haunt you.” The two men chuckled. “What do you think Becan and Jay are doing?” Scott asked.
“I don’t know. Whatever Jayden’s doing, I’m sure he’s doing it very quietly.”
Scott stifled a laugh. “Poor guy.”
“Jayden’s great.”
“Yeah,” Sc
ott said. “Awesome shot, too. That whole Chicago thing would have been ugly if he hadn’t been there. Guy’s brilliant with the S-27.”
“That’s his job.”
Scott smiled. “I think the fact that he’s a sniper makes him seem cool.”
“Yeah. Want to hear my Jayden impression?”
“Sure.”
David drew a breath. The room fell silent. “Well howdy pilgrim, reckon I’d better pull out my trusty ole’ sniper rifle and rustle me up some extra-t’restrials.” As soon as he finished, he broke into snickers.
Scott laughed. “That was the worst impression ever.”
“Shut up.”
“You actually did a really good job of not being him.”
“Man, shut up!”
A voice from several cots down interrupted the conversation. “Do you two ever stop talking?”
“Yeah, you two quiet it down over there!” David called out.
Scott fought off a laugh. David was forty, but there was still some kid in him.
“Idiots,” the man from several cots down murmured.
“We better be quiet,” Scott said. “Some people need to sleep.”
“All right,” David answered. “We can be respectful just this once.” Scott relaxed as they laid in silence, and the natural sounds of the night resumed. After a time, David whispered, “I’m going to try and get some sleep, but…I have to say this.”
“Come on, man…we gotta be quiet.”
“No. I really mean what I’m going to say.” Scott furrowed his brow and turned to face him. “You’re a good guy,” David said solemnly.
Scott turned his head. It wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. “What?”
“I mean that. You do a great job as a soldier, I mean, you won a Golden Lion on your first mission, but…what you did out there for Svetlana…that was something different. Nobody else was willing to do that. I respect you a lot for it.” Scott began to speak, but David cut him off. “I know what you’re going to say.” He smiled. “It’s okay. Just accept it.”